Mentally, it was a 3/10, because it was hard not to be.
And physically, been dealing with the hangover from the Sapphic Valentines Day dance party last night, which got us home at like 3 am.
It was an amazing time. Minimal stress, one of the best times I've ever had in my life.
However, today has gotten better and better with time.
My fiance has been helping me a lot.
We had an amazing trip to the mall to treat ourselves to a shop's closing, and had good talks there.
I've been having a lot of fun in various twitch chats and had caught up in most discords. (I briefly caught up in all, but some are getting heavy usage today.)
And I've got some humor from tarot cards.
I've gotten readings FIVE TIMES in ONE WEEK telling me 'Balance'. I need to find it, which I'm very bad at, and I don't really know how to, but the final time, the fifth reading, had another aspect to it.
It was a clear unambiguous answer from my guides to something I had actually asked them to give me a clear unambiguous answer to--I am very very very sad about it, but the message was as clear as can be. "No. Don't hold out hope of rekindling what has been lost."
And, as much pain as it brings me, I am going to do my best to follow through with that.
I'm sure I will consistently get times where I briefly revisit it. I know me. I can't just cut the thoughts out permanently and indefinitely. They will return. But I will be able to remind myself of what my guides just said as clear as day.
No. Do not go down the path of thinking about the past. Do not think about what has been lost. Do not think about what could have been. Drop focus on it. It's not doing any good. I'm still healing. I'm not fully healed yet. But I need to not think about the friends who have cut me out--especially not entirely, but also not partially.
They have been on my mind a lot. And I wish them all the happiness. And I will always call them friends, and be there for them as a friend if they ever need my help. That will always remain true. But all other thoughts about them? Trying to explain things, wondering if I should open up, wondering if I should share, wondering if I should give well-wishes, wondering if I should congratulate, thinking if I should apologize, thinking if I should try to rekindle things in any way shape or form?
DROP IT.
I need to stop those thoughts.
In effect, they should not exist in my mind--at all. Unless they are contacting me? Stop thinking about them. Stop trying to figure out the right thing to do for them. Stop spending time and energy trying to explain myself, to make things better, to make things right, etc.
It sounds so harsh. It is also heartbreaking and hope-crushing, given my love for them. But it's as clear as can be.
In order to accomplish what I want--to become a beacon of joy and positivity, to become a content creator, to write music, to write my novels, you get it. I can't think of them. To move on in life I need to move on from those who don't want me in their life.
It feels horrible to say. Like, I'm empathetic, how could I not care, how can I move on, how can I stop loving, how can I not try to do the right thing, how can I say they're not worth my time when for years they were what I was devoting my time to, etc. But there's nothing I can do. I shouldn't hold out hope. They have made their decisions, and I will never sway them. I will never change them. I will never convince them I'm worth having in their life again. I am gone, for good, and nothing I can do will ever move the needle there.
No amount of trying to right the wrong will right it. No amount of knowing it was wrong will help. No amount of helping others will redeem me in their eyes. Nothing I can do or say will ever make things better for them, so I shouldn't try. On my end, there's nothing I can do. It is their call, their choice, their decision. And because it is entirely on them, they effectively don't exist in my life unless they reach out. Anything more than that, at least right now, just won't do any good.
It hurts to hear--but it's true.
So this will probably be my last blog on the subject.
It's about time I move on. I have a wonderful fiance. I have close friends who cherish me and want to spend time with me. I have people who want to be in my life. I have people who value me. I have people who I bring joy and positivity to. I have people who enjoy interacting with me. I have people who want me to attend things with them. And while I will always extend that offer to those who want it--if they don't, then I shouldn't spend my time/effort wanting them to, trying to get them to, etc. No means no. They don't want me. So I'm going to have to accept that, live with it, and should focus on those who do.
I hope I'm making sense. I hope it's not sounding mean. I know my blogs can be poorly worded. Concepts which are harmless, I can botch explaining. The message I got, while a roast, was positive. It was tough love. It was blunt. It was strict and it was forceful. But it was right and it was guiding everyone in the right direction. And my right direction is to still do what I always have, to always do what I always have. Bring that joy, bring that positivity, connect people, help people, create things, build the healing energy.
That's my path forward. So it's time I pursue it and don't hold myself back.
I hope maybe my blog can inspire others to do similarly. I give advice similar to this blog all the time to others, and now I need to follow it. If you advise others, it could be a sign to take your own advice, too. <3
And physically, been dealing with the hangover from the Sapphic Valentines Day dance party last night, which got us home at like 3 am.
It was an amazing time. Minimal stress, one of the best times I've ever had in my life.
However, today has gotten better and better with time.
My fiance has been helping me a lot.
We had an amazing trip to the mall to treat ourselves to a shop's closing, and had good talks there.
I've been having a lot of fun in various twitch chats and had caught up in most discords. (I briefly caught up in all, but some are getting heavy usage today.)
And I've got some humor from tarot cards.
I've gotten readings FIVE TIMES in ONE WEEK telling me 'Balance'. I need to find it, which I'm very bad at, and I don't really know how to, but the final time, the fifth reading, had another aspect to it.
It was a clear unambiguous answer from my guides to something I had actually asked them to give me a clear unambiguous answer to--I am very very very sad about it, but the message was as clear as can be. "No. Don't hold out hope of rekindling what has been lost."
And, as much pain as it brings me, I am going to do my best to follow through with that.
I'm sure I will consistently get times where I briefly revisit it. I know me. I can't just cut the thoughts out permanently and indefinitely. They will return. But I will be able to remind myself of what my guides just said as clear as day.
No. Do not go down the path of thinking about the past. Do not think about what has been lost. Do not think about what could have been. Drop focus on it. It's not doing any good. I'm still healing. I'm not fully healed yet. But I need to not think about the friends who have cut me out--especially not entirely, but also not partially.
They have been on my mind a lot. And I wish them all the happiness. And I will always call them friends, and be there for them as a friend if they ever need my help. That will always remain true. But all other thoughts about them? Trying to explain things, wondering if I should open up, wondering if I should share, wondering if I should give well-wishes, wondering if I should congratulate, thinking if I should apologize, thinking if I should try to rekindle things in any way shape or form?
DROP IT.
I need to stop those thoughts.
In effect, they should not exist in my mind--at all. Unless they are contacting me? Stop thinking about them. Stop trying to figure out the right thing to do for them. Stop spending time and energy trying to explain myself, to make things better, to make things right, etc.
It sounds so harsh. It is also heartbreaking and hope-crushing, given my love for them. But it's as clear as can be.
In order to accomplish what I want--to become a beacon of joy and positivity, to become a content creator, to write music, to write my novels, you get it. I can't think of them. To move on in life I need to move on from those who don't want me in their life.
It feels horrible to say. Like, I'm empathetic, how could I not care, how can I move on, how can I stop loving, how can I not try to do the right thing, how can I say they're not worth my time when for years they were what I was devoting my time to, etc. But there's nothing I can do. I shouldn't hold out hope. They have made their decisions, and I will never sway them. I will never change them. I will never convince them I'm worth having in their life again. I am gone, for good, and nothing I can do will ever move the needle there.
No amount of trying to right the wrong will right it. No amount of knowing it was wrong will help. No amount of helping others will redeem me in their eyes. Nothing I can do or say will ever make things better for them, so I shouldn't try. On my end, there's nothing I can do. It is their call, their choice, their decision. And because it is entirely on them, they effectively don't exist in my life unless they reach out. Anything more than that, at least right now, just won't do any good.
It hurts to hear--but it's true.
So this will probably be my last blog on the subject.
It's about time I move on. I have a wonderful fiance. I have close friends who cherish me and want to spend time with me. I have people who want to be in my life. I have people who value me. I have people who I bring joy and positivity to. I have people who enjoy interacting with me. I have people who want me to attend things with them. And while I will always extend that offer to those who want it--if they don't, then I shouldn't spend my time/effort wanting them to, trying to get them to, etc. No means no. They don't want me. So I'm going to have to accept that, live with it, and should focus on those who do.
I hope I'm making sense. I hope it's not sounding mean. I know my blogs can be poorly worded. Concepts which are harmless, I can botch explaining. The message I got, while a roast, was positive. It was tough love. It was blunt. It was strict and it was forceful. But it was right and it was guiding everyone in the right direction. And my right direction is to still do what I always have, to always do what I always have. Bring that joy, bring that positivity, connect people, help people, create things, build the healing energy.
That's my path forward. So it's time I pursue it and don't hold myself back.
I hope maybe my blog can inspire others to do similarly. I give advice similar to this blog all the time to others, and now I need to follow it. If you advise others, it could be a sign to take your own advice, too. <3
RSS Feed
