I genuinely didn't do anything of note today. I didn't even do much in the way of note-taking. (Speaking of which I have a few notes I should write--but obviously, haven't.)

I should mention though that while I was aware that medical trans stuff would be expensive, I had no clue that non-medical trans stuff would also be quite expensive and also fairly hard to find and then actually use.

I bought D-cup silicone breast (falsies) for use to help make it more obvious that I am a girl, mainly for work but also at home as a statement.

They work, giving incredible euphoria!
They look amazing.
They place weight on me making it slightly harder to breathe, pressing on my chest--which, well, not the greatest for health I imagine but increases the euphoria because actual breasts do that!

...But they also refuse to stay in place on me, and I'm struggling to get them to.

I should clarify, I am growing natural breasts. But while my natural breast growth is happening, I'll likely never get breasts to the size that I desire and even if I did, it'd be years from now. So having these silicone falsies is an amazing boost for appearance and happiness.

The problem is that I don't want anatomically accurate booba to slip out of my outfit while I am...well basically anywhere but especially in public and especially at work. And even if it doesn't outright slip out, if it just slips positions, it can get in the way of me doing tasks, by providing distractions that I shouldn't have. So I need to fix that.

On my first outing, I did a test-run using duct tape. It worked reasonably well, but it's duct tape on two surfaces not designed for it: the silicone insert, and human skin. (Ow.) So I am working on alternatives. Expensive alternatives. Extensive alternatives.

The quick google search answer suggests that the recommended thing is double-sided tape. Tried that. It worked for a day the first time, but it takes a ton of time to apply, and both today and yesterday when I tried it, it...didn't really work. At all yesterday (to be fair, different type that was weaker than the first), and half today (one worked well enough, the other...didn't).

So now I'm going to desperately be trying to make do until my next idea arrives (assuming my mother orders it), which is a form of temporary glue meant for prosthetics, the type designed to hold surfaces like silicone to the skin for extended periods of time.

It's quite expensive in most places though. The cheapest I could find was like $15.

I did also find something that I really hoped existed tho, and that's basically a false-vagina of sorts to cover the bottom. Also reasonably expensive too.

All this is to say that if I get them and if they work, it'll be great for me as it'll make passing as a girl to random strangers at work much much much easier. Between having a mask for my face, breasts for the chest, and something for the lower anatomy, in theory, I should just appear as a tall woman to them.

That's the hope.

I may order hip padding if this isn't enough.

All this work, just to get some extra work comfort of having it be easier to gender me correctly.

For a start, blog.
We missed Wednesday for understandable reasons: we picked up a Thursday shift because we wanted the money (and to be nice, but mostly, the money) but did so after having left home and needed to go straight to bed, so no blog on Wednesday.

But if I'm doing the math right, I think that means we didn't blog on Tuesday, either, and for that, I don't remember why we did, presumably, forgetting?

Oh yeah, it was just "whoops, we forgot".

Beyond that, we've procrastinated until the last day for a training. We need to get it done.

We also want to actually start writing the book we're working on.

And then there's League's quest which we need to not slack off on.

I think ideal priority is in that order, but also:

We want to start our new routine tomorrow. We developed the plan.

Instantly put the gender juice pill in mouth; do primary workout for the day (except on Saturdays, the rest day); stretches for that day; run; hard tae kwon do practice with strong precise technique; soft tae kwon do moves to get a pseudo-tai-chi thing going; breakfast; brush teeth; shower (once a week with shampoo/conditioner, twice without); on workdays, arrive at work; if possible, do secondary workout; eat lunch; brush teeth.

Now we need to execute it.

Tomorrow's gonna be a huge test, especially with us going to bed at 5 am.

If we do it tomorrow, we can keep doing it; if we don't do it tomorrow, we probably never will.

​So future me please listen to past us all wanting it, especially Miss Efficiency. (Speaking of which, we still need to blog about that. We're more and more favoring us/we over I/me except for specific facets or environments where it's not safe, and there's five of us as far as we know that are major facets. Heck if we know everything tho.)

Alright, so I asked/requested an order for a few items I've really wanted. (No guarantee that the items will actually be what I want so it might end up being a waste of money; no guarantee that they will actually be gotten. But, at least I took initiative in asking.)

I put in a refill for medication.

I haven't tackled financial stuff (which is a must-do), or stayed on top of teeth hygiene, but today was a full shower day.

Otherwise, though, no games once more. I've the urge to play minecraft, I need to keep playing League games for the blue essence and for the quest I've only a week left to complete. I've gotta finish my FFVII grind. I did none of that.

So like. Not much done today.

I mean, it's understandable.
American Holiday which my family celebrates, with my family all over.

I've multiple reasons for not really wanting to celebrate the day, but while I might not want to celebrate the day, I've no choice but to--not celebrating it is far more dangerous, given my family environment. I have to celebrate, for my own safety. At least pretend to be interested. I need to eat for sustenance, I need to be involved in activities, even if only halfheartedly.

Granted, I still appreciate the family traditions, it's just that there's multiple reasons I don't really want to celebrate, prominently among them being that only one member of my family actually names and genders me correctly consistently, and she's the one who is most a guest in the house and least a resident of it.

When my family is hostile towards me being me, I just don't have the same investment in a family-oriented holiday. It's just that me not being involved would lead to them being even more hostile to me, rather than less.

So yeah. Understandable I couldn't get much done.

Still a disappointment tho.

I wanted to do so much more.

Well, to explain: I actually had work today. Instantly, that means that the day is automatically more productive from an adulting perspective than a normal Saturday is (since those are normally my day off).

So, that being there is something that I spent productive time on.

​Of course, subjectively, not productive since it's not furthering any of my goals aside from "continued employment" (which, to be fair, is a good goal to have, it's just not really a goal as I think of goals being).

I had a streamer who normally doesn't stream today but who I try to catch every stream of, streaming today which ate up 80% of the day. This is not really productive, but since I watch them every Tuesday Thursday Friday and Sunday, catching (most of) their stream and doing what I normally do there, was worth it overall.

That streamer played Stardew Valley and it was mentioned about "have you 100%ed it yet", and I haven't, but I know the two things I need to do: fishing and mining. (Mostly, monster-slaying.)

I'm still working on Stardew Valley farm stuff. I want to reorganize my things so that every single item I'm stacking multiple of has their own chest (maybe multiple) in a logical location, and that things I'm not stacking but are related, are grouped as well. I also want more farm animals, to max out my barns.

Beyond that, I want to optimize the beach farm, to make it be as space-efficient as possible, matching the efficiency of the greenhouse.

But mostly?

Mostly, I've done everything I want to. Wife and kid maintenance needs to be done daily, but I've completed basically everything else, and achieved everything I set out to do, pretty much. (I might have a golden walnut or two not found, but I'll check that next time I do a save file check.)

So I figured, "yaknow what, why don't we start progressing the two things I haven't?", so...I did exactly that! I caught 2/5 of the base legendary fish. In one day.

It's not complete, obv, but it's progress at least!

So, like.

Productivity-wise, not much done, but it wasn't nothing!

Today was also the 1-year anniversary of my having come out as a girl in real life to my family.

It had some fanfare to the occasion, but was mostly, not noteworthy. That's kinda disappointing, I admit. It was something that to me, is a very big deal, but like...there's no festivities to it.

I was trying to celebrate it with an art piece, but...

...This was meant to be just the background.

It was meant to have a complete drawing of me in it, with text having my name in it, too.

I started at the beginning of the month.

I barely got this much done.

So like.

I didn't get the fanfare done myself, so the lack of fanfare is mostly my own fault.

Ah well, it is what it is.

It's a huge event to me, but there's more to celebrate than just today, there will be future celebrations as long as I live.

I know that today was huge for doing things but I genuinely have no memory of what they were.

I guess that a huge thing is that my breasts now have bounce to them! When I hop up and down, they actually jiggle, which is a very new thing and means that they are large enough to be under the effects of the law of physics, affected by gravity.

​But beyond that, while I know today was a huge day for things, I remember...nothing.

I shout as I get up from my chair to leave for bed and turn the monitor off. (In my head obv, plurality thing.)

Since I don't wanna be late, gonna keep it quick.

Done things:
Am now stretching back;
Am increasing cardio;
Am now singing;
Am returning to posture/walking/etc. more feminine, on the horizon: talking too.

I don't really know how to explain it.

There's some good going on. Lots of progress in my minecraft world, interactions with people I love and adore and love to prop up and try and make better, pictures taken of my cats.

But there's also a lot not good.

Medications would help a little there, but, uh.

On that note.

I am beginning to hate my psychiatrist.

I knew going in, "this is either going to be an awesome one or a total whackjob/nutjob with literally no in-between those two extremes".

Continued deadnaming of me in spite of having seen them for multiple months, changing my last appointment to a telemedicine one without telling me, and then when I tried to contact them about their telemedicine today not working receiving nothing but radio silence means I have no refills for my medication because they didn't communicate with me at all.

So guess which I am leaning towards?

I just.

I need something good to get me in a better headspace.

​I lack that entirely right now.

Well I definitely feel more-rested today and felt less tired with the change. Which is good!
Also good; I have obtained a perfect magnetic phone case for my new phone.

Today also saw me do a little bit of desk cleaning, not to mention, writing down the second of the two game ideas I have notes for. This means my notes are a lot more organized and my folders much better, but there's downsides; the folders are more bloated and the notes are a little more bulky now than they were before.

The "I think" here mostly comes from me genuinely having so much trouble remembering if I took my night medications.

I know I took my vitamins.

I'm like 95% sure I took my second estrogen pill.

I'm like 90% sure I took my T-blocker pill (spironolactone).

I'm like 90% sure I took my lamotrigine (bipolar disorder).

...But like.

None of those are the same 100% they should be--and all of them need to be.

I need to figure out a waste-free (paperless) way to reliably note what I've taken at this point. It needs to be digital, but not be something I'll easily forget about, but not be something I need to go out of my way to manage with it being a pain to actually do regularly, but also not hinder me in my daily activities, but also be around.

Haven't figured that out yet.

And, there's more that I didn't do.

I didn't get to note some things I want to do for stream in my to-do list for instance. (CT, FFVII, Majesty, Zeus/Poseidon all come to mind.)

​So I'm not sure if this was a good day or not, but it was at least definitely not a failure.

Turns out one of my medications I've been taking during the day can cause drowsiness.

Now granted, with me taking it at the night now my nights will be extra tired, but in theory​ my days should be better!

Today had an increased dosage in my estrogen but was otherwise a waste since I did none of the things I ought to have done, whooooops.

On the bright side, am now a higher LP in tft than I was before, and I progressed to quest 6/10 with three weeks left. (I need to make sure I finish the quest since I am a completionist.) I also managed to get all the weekly tft missions done, too, which will help me in my attempt to claim Zac III the way I got Mundo III.

Butstill, I did basically nothing.

Ah well.

It happens.