I can't go into full details, but as it is public that it was me I can at least mention this much; today made at least one consequence of a screwup I did yesterday official. (It is possible there may be further repercussions down the line. Given it was an accident and it was unintentional, I am obviously hoping there won't be, but given the nature of the offense and how I was already on thin ice before, it's definitely possible that I could face further punishment down the line for the messup. It'd suck, but I cannot say it'd be unwarranted, because I did genuinely screw up, so the punishment I received is the absolute minimum. I do mean it when I say I will count myself lucky if it is the only punishment I get because I mean it when I say it was worthy of being punished, accident/unintended or not.)

Basically, while I still cannot share the full story, I can go into the basics. On the site I play mafia on, I was in a mafia game. I believed myself to be within the rules with my posting--a first clarification in the rules, there was extenuating circumstances which led me to believe that I was still within them thanks to a case of unfortunate events. (In short, a private communication was similar, but much shorter, to the public communication. I believed, erroneously, that the private communication was just a shorter summary of the public communication. It was not.)

This led to the rule needing to be clarified a second time, and I received a minor punishment for the first with it being expected that future violations of the rule would give no such leniency because after both rule clarifications, the policy was as unambiguous as possible.

So how did I screw up?

Well, I was typing a post made that I believed to be within the rules between the first clarification and the second. I was unable to post it before the second clarification, and the initial draft of said post, while it'd have been fine if posted prior to the second rule clarification, was not okay to post after the second rule clarification.

I knew this.

So I revised the post, to make it fit within the clarified rule.

I double-checked it; I triple-checked it; I was absolutely sure that I had fixed it, fixed the post typed before the rule clarification to fit within the guidelines set after--and to be fair, true to the Spiderman Homecoming 90% meme, the post did in fact mostly fix the original issues! I caught most of them!

...Most, but not all;

I missed...one.

I missed one spot, that violated the rule that was clarified a second time.

It was, obviously, accidental! It was, obviously, unintentional! I did revise the original post and tried to remove the rule violating aspects of it...but missing one spot? Completely and totally my fault. And I had already been warned and punished for the rule violation.

Again, to reiterate--this is completely and entirely my fault. It wasn't deliberate, but not being deliberate does not mean it didn't happen. It did. Accidental or not, it still transpired; unintentional or intentional, it still occurred. And once it did, once I failed to spot it, once I had broken the rule that I was immediately told not to break again, I needed to face the consequences, face the punishment for it.

It sucks, but when you screw up, it does carry consequences. I literally have nobody to blame but myself. The punishment I have received is the least amount of punishment I could possibly receive. (So if I receive more, while that'll suck, it'll still be warranted. I cannot argue against punishment. I can explain the circumstances behind it and I can explain my viewpoint but my viewpoint is that whatever punishment I get will be justified, not be too harsh, and be absolutely what I deserve because of my mistake because again, mistakes carry consequences and I made one. Knowing I made a mistake and regretting that I made it cannot undo it so all I can do is live with the consequences of my error.)

I obviously can't explain more than that (this much should be acceptable), but that was one thing which happened today; action punishing me for the mistake I made yesterday night. I knew it was coming, obviously; there was no way to possibly justify not punishing the action because it's a cut and dry clear unambiguous situation with no other possible resolution, with no other possible punishment to give.

Knowing it was coming, knowing it was justified, didn't mean it doesn't sting tho. It absolutely does. And it was one of the first things I woke up to see today. Not the way I really wanted to start my day, but I had to face the music sooner or later because again. I messed up, so there were going to be consequences to having screwed up. Unfortunate as the accident may have been, regrettable as the unintentional breach was, punishment was unavoidable because there was no possible leniency to be given and it was warranted and justified and if the punishment I got is all I get then I am in fact to be considered lucky.

Still sucks tho and again. Starting my day that way? Not exactly pleasant.

There was some good to counterbalance that, tho.
Today for the 4th of July I got to wear another dress! I took a shower, which I desperately needed, and changed into the dress. My family, who were all there, were by and large (being who they were)...less than impressed. Nobody said anything but when all of them realized I wasn't wearing my favorite (because it's long enough to basically act like a dress) T-shirt and was in fact wearing a dress that gave me notable curves, I managed to catch them having some rather...unfortunate expressions on their face.

Suffice to say, most of them did not approve of my apparel of choice.

And, yes. There was in fact tension to be had, there. Conversations were mostly natural but there were still occasional pauses--this is normal enough, but in this case the pauses seemed "different" to me somehow, in a way that felt directly resultant from me.

​Then there's again the fact that the entirety of my family aside from my younger sister deadnames me and misgenders me actively...and also the self-loathing every time I respond to the deadname rather than telling them "that's not my name".

Again, nothing really specific to the date in question, but something that there's a disconnect between what I tell myself and what goes on in reality. I tell myself, "every time they deadname me, I will tell them 'that's not my name'". Every time they actually deadname me (well, almost; I do occasionally have the smarts to not respond at all), I respond out of habit.

After all, I've used my deadname for 27 years in real life. It's literally instinct to me, especially from voices I know, in tones I know, asking questions that are normal from them. As someone with autism, inertia is unfortunately, working against me here; I've built up 27 years of inertia ingrained within me to instinctively respond to them on demand when they use my deadname.

So far, good to bad is two to two if you count 'good dress' and 'shower' as two separate goods.

​More in the bad; I had only one meal tonight and it was two hot dogs. Admittedly, hot dogs with chili and bacon, but my normal hot dogs in a night? Four. I didn't have breakfast; I didn't have S'mores (I couldn't stomach them), I didn't have hamburgers, and I had half my normal amount of hot dogs. (I also didn't have corn on the cob but I never have corn on the cob unless there's melted butter with the butter-spread-stick and the hold-corn-without-mess-prongs, which we had neither of.)

I did have a plate full of barbeque chips, which by my estimate is somewhere in the .75 give or take .25 range for meals (as in, could be as small as half a meal's worth, could be as much as a meal's worth; it was a lot of chips but individual chips aren't that filling), but given 2 hot dogs is half of my normal meal, that meant tonight the maximum amount you could say I had was 1.25 meals' worth of food.

You're meant to have three.

And while I admit, I was more thirsty than hungry.

So a lot of the time, I wasn't hungry at all.

A fair amount of the issue was digestion. I wasn't feeling 'full', I was feeling like I couldn't stomach more food.

Normally, this is easily solved by, ahhhh...so to speak, emptying the system. Using the bathroom productively and flushing from the system something more than fluids. But I couldn't do that all of tonight, which meant, to my body, I had too much within me in spite of often wanting more.

I suspect the issue was circadian rhythm based.

My circadian rhythm is all out of whack, due to my rather not-the-best sleep schedule, but as of late, I've had a sleep schedule that is at least somewhat consistent if unorthodox; going to bed in the 5-7 am range, and then waking up in the 1-4 pm range. Today I was woken up a full 40 minutes earlier than I was planning, which I suspect may have contributed.

Unusual sleep schedule that's maybe not the best for digestion anyway + disruption to that sleep schedule via being woken up early + me not having food immediately (it took 1-3 hours or so for me to get the food) = suspected culprit for me having had less room. Also, maybe being thirsty all day may have contributed, with my only fluids being coffee (which isn't zero-calorie so does have some fill value even being liquid in nature).

Basically, lots of things could've caused it, hard to say the exact culprit, maybe multiple adding up, but it happened so that means I had less than optimal.

​Later in the night though, I decided to stream...
...And I got my first-ever raid! It was amazing! It was mostly lurkers aside from the broadcaster, but the broadcaster who raided me remained active for the vast majority of the stream and they and I had a fair number of similarities so I really enjoyed chatting with them and bonding with them.

Which means my night has ended on a bit of a high note. So, so​ glad I decided to stream on what amounts to a whim!

Anyway, bed now.

We'll have to see what tomorrow brings.

I sent in my job application to every single YMCA in my county.

I'm not sure if doing so is redundant, but rather than assuming one application specifying my ideal location would apply for them all, I was rather safe than sorry and sent in an application to all of them.

I'm...probably going to miss a lot of phone calls in the near future which mayyyyy screw me over, since my phone is currently in an entirely different room than the one I sleep in, but hopefully with luck I can respond to any interview requests and such.

I'm not quite on top of everything, but hey. Much much closer, and huge progress is progress!

Still not the best at home though given the continued misgendering and deadnaming but that was to be expected and it's not the worst case scenario I had feared so...better than what it could be.

All in all, I may not have taken control of my life yet but I'm on my way​ to having done so.

Let's see.

I promised my family to try and help them understand me within 72 hours after coming out.

We're long past that mark and I've not even started there.

I promised myself that I would start job applications Sunday or maybe Monday.

Tuesday is finished and I've yet to do so.

I haven't blogged in four days.

I've not done my tiktok.

I've only done one stream.

I've done no art.

I've done...nothing.

I'm pretty much failing.

I've no excuse, no justification.

Just. Am not doing well mentally.

I've told people who have asked me how I am doing after having come out that I am good. Because they are asking about my family and their treatment of me, if I've run into trouble, if I am in need of help thanks to them being harsh, etc.

My family is definitely more awkward. They're not talking to me by name at all. Which is an improvement over calling me my deadname but none of them are calling me a name at all because they can't bring themselves to actually say 'Bree' out loud but don't want to drive me away with the deadname. All things considered, that's not bad!

So when asked, I truthfully say that I am not bad because I am not bad in the way they are asking about me.

...But if they were to ask me about how I am doing and specify that they are asking about my mental health beyond my family, regardless of my family, disregarding my family, about me without taking into factor my environment?

Hoo boy am I badly depressed. I am at a very very bad lowpoint and struggling hard to capitalize on my momentum. I need to be strong, I need to be staying on top of my game.

But I'm not.

I'm slipping into...complacency. And that is very very VERY bad.

So. Downward spiral activate.

​Yaaaaaaaaaay.

I have a lot to say on the subject.
It did not go well with my family, to say the least.
​It went really poorly.

I am scared of the half hour my brother and father were talking outside and what it may mean.

I am scared that even my older sister and mother may not support me because they are trying to preserve the family and are not happy at me for instantly forming a rift in the family.

I am scared now that I have lost my safety net, cast it aside, and that my family is no longer safe.

But it is the first step towards truly taking control of my life and living my life as me.

It is not done and dusted.

I have taken the first step, but it is only the first step.

I need some downtime to rest/recover, but I also need to springboard into actually taking moving forward. The next step; a wave of lifeguard applications, and then looking further into an area I was given a tip to potentially being good for me.

The stars could not be more perfectly aligning in telling me to be working on the prep stuff for coming out.

I have done all my mafia stuff for the day, so I don't need to go there.

I have finished the important tft quests, so I don't need to do that.

I have played as much League of Legends as I can bear to play in a day (am burned out there), so I don't need to do that.

I don't feel like playing Stardew Valley or working on Minecraft right now.

I've done the maximum possible amount on Chrono Trigger offline, so all that's left is advancing the plot (requiring a stream).

I've reached a point in my artwork piece that the next steps are all incredibly long and grueling things to start, so I don't feel like beginning that work.

I've done everything I can on twitter and reddit and looked at everything I can League-related that's available.

I've intense boredom so I've an intense desire to do something.

So literally.

I've nothing to do...except the work that I am supposed to do.

I wanted to have everything on my checklist 'located' before going to bed.

And yet.

Instead of working on it.

I'm.

Doing nothing, in spite of the intense boredom, and in spite of literally every activity to procrastinate not being viable.

What the hell's wrong with me.

​I am an idiot.

I am literally coming out in...four/three days (depends on your cutoff I suppose).

I should be doing stuff.

Instead, I am working on League and TFT quests.

To be fair. If things go well and I can continue to use the internet after.

League and TFT quests have a time limit. I've less than a week to play like 50 League games for the final PROJECT quest to get me to the 300 tokens (which I actually have something to buy during) and I want to get the tft quests done. (I'm playing Normals because it's a bad idea to force quests in ranked or hyperroll if you care about your LP which I do. Also I'm kinda burnt out in regards to tft in general.)

So if things go well.

Not a waste of time.

...But.

If things don't go well.

Which is a better use of my time right now?

Planning for things not going well as to have things all in order when they don't...

...Or playing a game that you won't even get to play after said things not going well?

I am...not a smart person.

And no daily activities for the last day at least, maybe two.

Which also means no planning for the coming out day which is...literally 6/5 (depends on your cutoff) days away.

Welp.

I need to prepare more.

I've not been wasting my time, I'd say. I have streamed a couple of times, and streaming Chrono Trigger is very fun and I've gotten to very close to the endgame. (Speaking of which, note to self: I've three streams to download now.)

But I'm entering the crunch zone.

I'm not nearly prepared enough.

There's so much I've yet to do.

I need to make sure that I can use the car. (Which, ironically enough, requires talking to my father, the one most likely to strongly negatively react.)

I need to work out what to say when I do come out.

I need to write out my checklist of things for the day which I can then check off one by one.

​I need to do so much, and I've a lot less time to do it now.

I got back into streaming. It was, unfortunately, a bit of a short stream. My mother gets up at 5 am, my sister goes to bed at like 3:30 am, so that gives me a narrow ~1.5 hour window in which I can stream interference-free.

I also know the streamer lifestyle now of getting immensely tired. I've been staying up until ~6:30 am to watch League games, but in spite of that, one hour of streaming made me feel like it was bed time. I was struggling to word, I was struggling to think of things to say, I was struggling to focus, I was feeling like "dead streamer energy", as in, streamer feeling dead near the end of their stream where you can visually tell that they are tired and need to end the stream...I felt that.

So I couldn't go on much further even without the 5 am deadline of my mother.

This is a deadline that won't exist on Friday Nights going into Saturday and Saturday Nights going into Sunday but right now I expect to be bingewatching the LEC during those times and will need to choose between watching the LEC or streaming and I actually favor watching the LEC. (There's certain LCK teams I want to watch; I always want to watch the LEC. Besides that, League is mostly "I'll watch it if it's on, but I don't go out of my way to catch it." Meaning I'd prioritize streaming over watching it. But with LCK matches I want to see and/or LEC matches I want to see, they take priority over streaming to me.)

I'll hopefully be getting into streaming more tho, but it does depend a lot on how my coming out goes.

As a reminder...that's a thing. Which is coming up. Rapidly. We're in the 8 day mark, almost one week mark. I have done plenty of work, but I've got a lot more work to do yet and I need to get to a point of being prepared/ready that I've not yet reached.

​We'll see if I can continue that tomorrow at the one week mark.

The bad:
I've lost the momentum I had on Monday. I did so, so, SO much prep work for the big coming out day on Monday and I've done zero since then, including not keeping my younger sister up to date on the things I did Monday.

Also, I've not done my daily rounds on the internet.

The good:
I brushed my teeth today for the first time in a while, keeping up hygiene, and I actually did art today which unlike my previous attempt which I scrapped, I have so far kept and it's on track to being something actually worth trying to make better!

I'm also at a really really good farming spot in Chrono Trigger to get me to where I was level-wise, which will also get me to where I was story-wise fairly quickly. (I'm grinding in the Fiendlord Keep in the first battle hall, fighting the six group repeatedly, because they always drop mid-ethers, and mid-ethers give 30 MP, and group heals top up my HP and take far less than that MP-wise and I'm getting level ups like crazy. I want to get Chrono to 99 MP and Nadia and Lucca to ** MR so that I can re-fight the post-40 pre-99 Spekkio and reclaim the rewards from my first file.)

Granted.

Both of these are things I may not finish before the coming out day--so they're worthless except in the best case scenarios.

But I don't want to not do them just because in the worst case scenarios I won't finish them. I needed them to release the pressure.

Mixed bag overall but a decent, acceptable day overall in my opinion. Could be better, could also be worse, I'll take whatever wins I can get.

​For the record, this is the art at where it is now.

I used ~5 reference photos (a google search of lady abs combined with a notable lady-abs image from Spinnerette which I binge-read the entirety of over the weekend, a naked lady photo for anatomy, a QAVimator pose, and a Rinmaru Anime face to get a more animesque proportioned head), including some trace work. (Which I am not the happiest about, I hate relying on traces for digital art.)

But it is already on-track to be much much better.

I need to keep in mind, "this is just the initial outline", too; I'll probably need to refine things like the exact outlines, the face, the exact anatomy, and even if it's correct, needing to make it not all solid black. But for a base to build off of, this is a fine start. 

For the record, this is still Elemental Ruby. It'll become more obvious when I add in better bangs, refine the waist area (her torso is a bit too wide right now, I needed it to be this way at its base to get enough room for the lady-abs while giving good proportions to be anatomically proportionate, but now that I have the base I can work on thinning the torso area), add a better nose definition, add in the eyes, and start to add things like her clothes and such.

It's a good start, but there's a LOT of work left to do.

Whooooops!
Legit thought I was blogging, aside from the one day that my computer needed an emergency "go into sleep for the whole night". That one I knew I missed, unavoidably so. But I thought I was blogging other days.

Ah well.
It happens.

Anyway, today's been incredibly productive.
It may not seem so productive to have done a lot of work in minecraft (tho I did so!), but the real productivity has been in my art.

In that I am actually doing it.

For the last two days, yesterday Sunday and today Monday, I have been working on an art drawing. It's fully digital, and given the nature of the drawing, I did cheat a little. It's meant to be a self-portrait...but modified to include some clothing that I am considering buying/wearing once I get a chance to go out into the world. (Ideally, I get vaccinated first. And because clothes often cost 20-60 dollars each and I need 2-3 each ideally, I also have a job first. I currently am neither.)

The items: knee-high athletic socks (technically I already own a pair but I want more than one and for it to be normal wear rather than wear specific to specific shoes like it is right now), an aesthetic knee brace, and a thigh band.

Considering potentially adding in earrings, too, not sure on that.

The drawing is coming along relatively well, including me having a breakthrough (actually multiple breakthroughs in rapid succession) in drawing my hazel eyes. My eyes are notoriously hard to draw because how do you capture the color of an eye that is a different color in different lighting and can be blue, green, yellow, brown, gray, and more? Well I managed to figure it out!

​So it's pretty good.

Granted, art like this isn't the most productive for long-term goals. I'm no closer to making Phyrra and Cyrus from it, for instance.

But it feels nice to make given the personal nature of it and it is very much not a waste of time. It's not a personal video game; it's art, and art is always worth it.

My main regret: instead of streaming these breakthroughs and my art process, I was doing this art while watching streams. (Well, listening. Hard to watch while also drawing.) You might wonder why I mention streaming.

Because that's a thing that I have done now.

It was only one hour.
It was messy, spontaneous.
But it felt so good to do, and dipping my toes in has gotten me a thirst for more.
I won't be doing it immediately, but soon, very soon, I will be streaming more because I did it once and I know I can do it now.