I'll start by stating this is the Eve of the five-month anniversary with my fiance. I consider the eve to be just as important as the actual day, because the eve of the day we became officially an item was filled with both of us heavily dropping hints to the other and being on the verge of telling. The only reason we didn't is because it was late and we needed sleep and confessing just before bed would be bad timing, so I confessed the next morning, beating my love to the confession they were planning that day as well.
So, to me, the fifteenth and the sixteenth both are worthy, with the fifteenth the Eve, a prelude, and the sixteenth the celebration proper. I am with the love of my life, and nothing will ever separate me from them. Including apparently plans to go to a different continent, as my reason to go without them was removed. (I should blog about that, yet shouldn't blog about that. Ah, it's...complicated. Like most things in the last month are.)
Today started off as a 2/10 mental day. I was bad. Not quite suicidal bad (hopefully, those days are behind me), but bad all the same. I was bad enough that I knew I needed to talk to my fiance about it. I aired my thoughts out, why I was so depressed, why I am in so much pain today, why I'm hurting (short answer is because I know others will be hurt, too), and lamenting an extreme loss and the overwhelming sadness and hurt and pain and isolation and loneliness to have come from the ordeal.
They helped reassure me by reinforcing a thought I had previously had. Basically, "the mistakes of others are theirs to make--you might know they're going to make a painful mistake they regret for their lives, but it's theirs to make and you can do nothing about it". Which was also reinforced by a friend, too. I shouldn't really elaborate on a blog about the thought but will happily do so in private to almost anyone, although I promise this is a thought very unlikely to cause harm, it's just not something I want to blog publicly about.
My blogs do redact personal info when I feel it's TMI. My definition might differ, but I do respect the boundaries of people as much as I can--namely that I shouldn't be sharing too much about their lives, particularly when I am or was their friend (depending on the people). You probably get the idea. I won't share too much, but what I have shared, I feel is safe to share as it's generic and not too specific. It touches into the main focus of me right now, but that's it.
Speaking of my blog though; I've been going through the wix mirror and trying to get it up to date. I'm through December, but still have to get through January, too. (And for my wix audience, this is where you're likely to find entries when I'm slacking on keeping the mirror up to date.)
I have a lot of tags on the wix mirror which I don't have on the main blog. Some of them, I might not have up to date because I only thought of them today. For instance, I probably was suicidal prior to the 26th, between the 6th and 26th, but because I wasn't willing to tag it with the tag suicidal, I only started then. A few tags might not be seeing as much use as they should've, like the sorry tag, and many others. But tags like the apology tag should be mostly accurate, if perhaps liberally used.
As it turns out, I have a great need to apologize, so I have a mighty need to talk about it extensively and constantly.
I probably should go through all of the tags listed and all of them to make sure that those who would wish to navigate my blog would know where I've been for the last month.
But like...I do have only a finite amount of energy for the task and other things to do.
I also don't have the mental capacity for too much.
A lot of reading my past blogs does renew my feelings from the time, reminding me of what went on and why I was in so much pain...and that's not a good thing.
I do need to apologize, I am a mess. I'm too scatterbrained to do any good right now. But like...I dunno. There's a lot going on. I'm sorry, I don't have much to say.
I just...well. I feel like I'm behind in life, and I'm trying to pick myself up.
I'm trying to not be garbage, but I'm probably just making new mistakes.
I'm probably still going to be hurtful, even though I am trying to do the exact opposite.
I dunno.
Life's just going right now.
I have a lot of love to give the world.
A lot to my fiance, to be sure. But my heart is big enough to give my love to the world too.
I just want to give it all.
I know that I can do a lot of good--today I made someone's day by helping them with their grief. But I know I can also do a lot of harm, and I dunno.
I'm trying I guess.
I just hope people can forgive me and see that someday I guess.
I'm sorry. I'm rambling. I lost my plot. I lost my thoughts. I just...have no focus. I'm trying to do good. I just hope it shows. And yeah. I've been low, very low, because I justifiably feel like shit. Who wouldn't, after messing up so royally? I will carry my regrets for life and have that remorse with me for life and probably carry a permanent sense of loss and maybe even loneliness. Especially since the pain caused seems to get worse and worse with time, rather than better and better, in part because I still fuck up.
I am nothing but a messup.
I just hope I can mess up in ways productive rather than destructive I guess.