And...I'm feeling really really confident in my chances to get affiliate now.

For the longest time, the obstacle to me getting affiliate was average viewers per stream.

Now, I have that. I've twice exceeded the goal, with room to spare.

So now, I just need to keep streaming. And streaming. And streaming. It might risk burning me out, but I have the momentum to begin. I just need to keep going and then I might have it.

I talked a lot about my perspective and goals in life onstream. I don't have it up until youtube, that will happen on Sunday at 3 pm, because I schedule my vods to be uploaded to youtube about 48 hours after I streamed (give or take), but when it's there, you'll see me do a lot of talking about what I basically do on my blog.

And, yes. I know. I'm not doing my blog justice. I'm not doing enough on it. I'm not transferring blogs from here to my mirror. I'm not catching the mirror up. I'm not applying all the proper tags. I'm not doing a lot on the blog I need to be doing--including the explanation blog about my deleted blogs, which I'm approaching being two months late on.

Of course, there's also other stuff. I've gotten back into playing mafia games (although that's not a good thing, given mafia games also are a significant reason I am so messed up as a person; the root of my transformation online from good to less so can be traced to my having played mafia games and the damage they did to my psyche), but I still have judge work and title work to do.

I still need to cancel my flight. I'm out hundreds of dollars for the hotel which can't be cancelled no matter what, but I can still get the refunds from my flights which will still be at least a thousand dollars I save if I can get it back.

I probably have a lot of other life stuff I've neglected which I can't remember, too.

But back to the stream talk.

I just wanted to say.

I often forget this, but the 30s are the NG+ of the 20s, and at thirty years old, I have gained a lifetime of experience which has given me a great deal of perspective on things. My perspective isn't perfect. I still have a long ways to go in improving in a lot of ways. But I've lived through several lifetimes it feels of events that have given me the ability to reflect on events and come away from it having learned to see things in a way I feel can be beneficial to others.

I will always need to balance helping others with helping myself. I can't lose sight of helping others to focus only on myself, nor can I help others if I don't help myself so attempting to devote all of my life to others will burn me out and leave me wasted, a shell unable to do anything good at all.

I am still learning the balance of the two, and don't have it perfect, but I know better than to think myself a monster. Every reading I've gotten for myself, literally every reading, has been something along the lines of, "forgive yourself. Advocate for yourself." And that means I can't keep thinking too negatively of myself. I know I need to prevent myself from repeating my mistakes. I don't want to become arrogant, entitled, self-centered, egotistical, or anything of the sort. I need to care for others and avoid going down a route where I don't.

But I also need to accept I am a good person--it's not being selfish, egotistical, arrogant, or presumptuous to say that. I may not be a good person to some people, sure! And their perspective is valid. Their viewpoint I'm not is valid, and should be respected. But I know that, when all is done and said, I'm not a bad person, no matter what. At least not the current me. I believe my past self was, and thus I will happily join in on any who view my past self as having been a bad person. And that person left me with the lifelong baggage of having to live with their mistakes.

But live I shall, and learn I have. I know those were mistakes, and while I have lifelong regrets and will have remorse, I can use that pain to turn it into something which leaves a positive impact on the world. I have enough life experience to know what pitfalls to avoid. For instance, the situation I was in last year between March and July taught me about the damage of a negative feedback spiral/loop, and how much harm can come from entering that pattern of destruction...as well as how to identify it and offer potential ways to avoid it in the future.

A painful lesson to learn to be sure, because it carried consequences literally months later. But, I did learn it. I know I need to blog about the subject of mindfulness, I have meant to yet haven't. The long and short of it is I spent every day reflecting on events and have learned that empathy to see the other 'sides' and have gained a great deal of it I previously lacked.

I have made mistakes, bad ones, which carry lifelong consequences. Friends I would happily call friends probably want nothing to do with me. The number two and three most important people in my life will never reciprocate that level of relationship with me, with me never being their number two or three or even remotely close. I'll never be their ride-or-die friend again. I would do anything for them and I always will do anything for them, but right now I know the only thing they need from me is space, silence, and time, and because I will give anything to them, if what they want from me is literally nothing then I have to respect that and honor it and give them nothing even when I really want to give them something more. (I'll tell them that when I feel it's appropriate to, but I dunno when it would be. Of course they could learn if they read my blog, but, yaknow, nobody does, so...can put it up here and my telling them even if it's months from now will be the first they hear of it. Whenever it feels right, I will share, but I haven't found a time which does yet.)

I'm rambling and going off-topic, but what I mean by this is, I know my actions have caused great harm, and that pain is valid. People can feel it for as long as they want and are valid to have it. Days, weeks, months, years, a lifetime. We all experience emotions differently, and their feelings, negative ones from me, about me, about my mistakes, are valid, and any actions taken from those emotions are similarly so.

And everyone should do what they believe to be the right thing, always, at all times--if they believe the right thing involves condemning me, cutting me out, whatever. That is a valid decision to make. Maybe it's a decision others thing is wrong, maybe it's a decision they themselves will look back on and thing was wrong in hindsight. I'd know, that was me with my actions last year. I thought it was right at the time and have since realized we weren't. But people should still be trying their best to do the right thing. And if that right thing involves spreading the information about my crimes, that is the right thing for them to do.

And while everyone makes mistakes, they still they their best. And I know it.

So I am in a fairly unique experience. Both as the person who has wronged others, and in the position of being the person who has been "wronged". (I used quotes around it because, no, I have not been wronged. But some people would say otherwise, including potentially future versions of those to have done the 'wronging', and I used 'wronged' because I can't think of a better succinct description.)

I know basically the full run of the mill on perspectives and views. I've had a conservative upbringing. I've had a liberal awakening. I've cancelled people. I've been cancelled. I have seen the harm I have caused. I have seen how much pain I've been in. I have seen the cynicism, the pessimism, the pain, the loathing, the negativity, in others, as well as felt them myself. I know intimately my depression, my anxieties, and all the troubles they bring.

And I am thus well-equipped to give perspective and potentially help combat against them.

So I will used my experiences to basically help others, better than ever before. Bringing them joy and positivity.
Both the laughter of stupid jokes in joy, and the happiness of love and a feeling of belonging in joy, with the positivity of shifting perspective to seeing the better parts of life and knowing the love and adoration they have. Their talents, their skills, and how much of a difference they make.

I need to balance doing that with still preventing burnout. Give myself some me-time, and have some time to myself. But I can provide that service to others. I can give them that level of awe and wonder I myself have gained, that love of life and drive and passion to pursue living life and making the ripples left behind by our presences just that much bigger, more positive, and longer-lasting in impact.

It's a lesson I am still refining. I have a long ways to go on this journey. But I truly feel I am ready to be that reassuring voice of compassion and love, that arbiter, that reminder, that the world is a wonderful place to live in filled with wonderful people. Most people are good, and while all people are flawed, most people are trying their best to be good. Everyone fails at least a little at least once in their lives, often failing continuously because of their imperfections, but most people are good, including the people I am setting out to help.

Some good people have their flaws mean they are not good for each other, and that's okay! It's part of the boundaries of self-care to acknowledge that no matter the potential good in another person, with how they are and how we are it's best to not be together. I know that all too well because I'm sure it applies to me with others and a lot of them likely think the same of me if they think I'm good. And that's okay.

But most people are better than they think they are, and better than people think they are, and while there's always exceptions who are terrible people who make the world worst, most people make the world better by being part of it, and reminding people of that is something I think I can do.

I know I have a lot of work to do--but I do think I'm ready to do it.

I hope this is okay.

I know not everyone will approve. I know plenty will disagree with me in some or even most areas.

But, I have a lot of experience doing the wrong things and I think it's about time I start doing the right things and helping others do it, too.

It seems that I have two moods in life:
Happy, but tired/exhausted/busy,
And depressed, but with plenty of time/energy to waste doing nothing.

Throughout the week, I was the former.

Today, I am the latter.

I did end up telling my fiance everything and being fully transparent about everything.

​I still need to make the blog post I've been wanting to for the last month--I literally did the deletion of the five blogs over a month ago, on 12/11/2023, and it's now 1/12/2024 and I've still yet to do the blog post about it.

I know exactly what to say, I just haven't put in the time to write it out and say it. It would be yet another apology, because I need a lot of those it seems, but also doing my best to affirm people.

I don't really know what I want to talk about today though.

I've come out of my "safe mode" of Michelle fronting, and things are largely good.

My fiance and I have an actual mattress now, on an inclined base, and have two weighted blankets to help us sleep. The sleep is great, and paired with my CPAP machine, I feel I am getting a wonderful night's sleep, the best I've ever gotten. I managed to take my measurements, loosely, with measuring tape which I randomly found at work.

But, I do have a lot on my mind. I'm a bit worried about Danielle, the toxic Persecutor in my mind. She's basically the exact opposite of everything I want to be, and I'm terrified she's going to come out and cause more harm. I want to become basically empathy personified, and she is the exact opposite of that.

Danielle is selfish, self-centered, brutal, callous, blunt, and entirely uncaring to others. Her perspective is close to that of what got me in trouble in the first place. She has bitterness and resentment aplenty, as well as cruelty and an appreciation for the consequences to others. She is entitled and believes in the bad happening not being bad, has a kinda "so what?" attitude towards what we have done, and is basically the voice of all the vile things we want to leave behind.

It should be noted. Danielle is not evil. She's not a sociopath. She's no psychopath. She's not even a monster, or even really monstrous. A bit narcissistic, a bit arrogant, a big jerk, but far from evil. She's a vicious self-defense mechanism, and she often makes scarily good points. She has us as her best interest, and in her own way, wants to do the right thing for us...but her idea of the right thing is in opposition to the entire rest of the system, and her idea of the right thing is too harmful to allow.

She's trying to do good for us by saying. "We have rights.", basically. We are not evil, and don't deserve to be treated that way. We are not monsters, so don't deserve to be treated like one. We are 'not the problem', so don't deserve to be treated as problematic. We have a lot good to us, and to not see it is to be foolish. Basically, she is an advocate for our self-worth, and that's not inherently a bad thing!

We have a very very very very low level of self-worth, so someone has got to try to tackle the task of boosting ours.

...But it can't be her.

Danielle's method of doing so is self-destructive and is part of how we got into this mess in the first place. Her idea of showing our worth involved displaying our importance in a very harmful way that only caused pain and suffering which caught up to us later.

And yeah, that was all of us. Not just her. We were all involved. She also advocates for herself personally and says not to pin all of our wrongdoings on her. Which is fair and valid. But like...we know her way and what it does. It causes harm. It hurts people. So to have her hovering around in our consciousness is alarming.

We don't want to hurt people, and what she would say, would. Now, could the hurt from her comments potentially lead to greater good? Yeah! Maybe self-advocacy at the cost of potential harm would lead to a greater good where the people we hurt realize Danielle's right and what she said has merit; cutting us off does nobody any favors and does no good to anyone and only prevents healing, or something to that effect.

But, at least in our opinion, that's too large a risk. It's too large a risk it's the other way around--that the harm caused from self-advocacy is harmful, showing a lack of empathy, showing a lack of understanding, showing a lack of having accepted and learned, demonstrating I am everything they didn't want to believe I could be, that the harmful content they saw from me is my truer self.

So, we aren't really entertaining her, and she's taunting us about it.

Basically she keeps saying things along the lines of,
"Everyone will regret their actions if you don't speak up about your thoughts."

Because, yeah.

I have had a lot of thoughts.

As selfish and self-centered and arrogant and narcissistic as it sounds. I've seen a lot of messages from the universe directed to those I've hurt which have basically said, "You're demonizing someone you shouldn't have. Learn to love them, and you will have a much healthier life." But, I don't want to assume. I don't want to intervene. It doesn't seem like it's my choice, my decision, to make. That I should have no part in their discovery, their journey, and that they need to realize it on their own.

And Danielle disagrees.

I've felt the people who cut me out of their lives are going to have regrets down the line for having done so--and Danielle is basically saying "that mistake is theirs to make, sucks to be them but you did what you could". Which, well, I could do more by trying Danielle's way, but I don't want to. Trying it my way, the way of understanding, of empathy, of healing, I am doing as much as I can to atone. I am trying my hardest to embody joy and positivity to uplift others and bring ripples of optimism into the world.

I'm trying to do the right thing always, including reducing harm and increasing healing. I removed the harmful blogs. I have changed my mindset. I have changed what I do with my actions. I've done as much as I can think of to do with my actions to embody being what I want to be, that force of good in the world.

​Danielle is basically a voice telling me I should be blunt about this and be upfront about it. Say, "Hey. You will regret missing out on having me around when I have already changed. I have already undergone the growth you would want me to have. You will eventually see I've been this wonderful for this long and regret having cut me out and not having talked to me, not having approached me, and have remorse for having not seen the good in front of your eyes. I messed up, but you are in the process of messing up, and afterwards, you will face the same regrets I have, regretting what you did as I regretted what I did."

But...I can't accept that as an acceptable take, or viewpoint. Because that viewpoint would ignore their pain and ignore their suffering and the hurt they feel. That outlook would ignore their viewpoint, and discard their concerns, their worries, their caution. That viewpoint would discard their perspective. It would renew concerns about my character. It would affirm all viewpoints about my continued disregard of their lives, it would renew their fears I am a terrible person by showing them how selfish and entitled I am.

And they deserve their own agency, and deserve their time to heal, and deserve their time to decide things on their own. If they end up regretting what they did--well, then, I can console them by saying I'm an ~expert~ at regretting my past decisions. So, I can help them then and only then live with their decisions. Everyone is trying to do the right thing, and they are included in that. They have no ill will behind their actions. They did what they thought was right.

They acted the best they could, off of what information they have available, and I have no right to deem their actions wrong. I have no right to say they made a mistake. I have no right to judge them. I have no right to any negative perception of them because they are all wonderful people who are trying their best to do the right thing. They genuinely believed cutting me out was the right thing, and only time can judge if that was the right thing to do.

It's their life to live, not mine, so I have no say whatsoever. All I can really do is live my life the best I can. I know I messed up in the past. I know I made mistakes. I know those actions carry consequences to them, and people trying to do the right thing judged my actions had consequences and decided what those consequences were. That I am a better person now doesn't mean I should get a free pass for what I did before, and everyone gets a say in what's important to them.

If who I am now isn't enough to warrant me remaining in their lives given the extent of my past mistakes, then it isn't enough and that's valid and I need to respect that boundary.

I don't know what's the right thing to do, but I always have to try to do the right thing. And I want to be the one who can take the path of least harm and greatest good. I know I won't do perfectly, but I also have to trust myself in listening to what would be a mistake and what isn't a mistake.

Ignoring "this doesn't seem right..." is what got me in trouble in the first place. The whole drama kickstarting things involved a negative feedback loop/negative feedback spiral (it probably has an official term but I'm uneducated so I invented my own for this concept), where I ignored the voice saying it didn't seem right, and the result was longlasting widespread harm I could've stopped if I had listened to the voice back then.

I don't know how to do the right thing, often I'm unsure of what is a mistake and what's not, but I do know many wrong things to do. Listening to Danielle feels like it's the wrong thing to do, even if she makes valid points. No matter the validity of what she says, anything which violates the agency and independence and understanding and perspective of others, is only going to cause further harm with no good to come from it.

​So, I gotta respect boundaries, I have to keep going and trying to pursue the right thing.

I think that I do need to leave behind at least some of my mentality from the last month, but that my mentality for the last month has been mostly in the right direction. I've been blogging rather continuously (mostly) since December 7th. In that time, my thoughts have been well-documented. If someone randomly stumbles into this blog but hasn't read those blogs, all I can really do is ask them:
Please read those.
Please don't judge me by any one individual blog, or strategically selected blogs.
Read a month's worth of blogs, in their whole, and see if something in any individual blog is an indicator of the whole.

I know, that's effort, and work. Especially given I'm verbose. When I designed this blog, I designed it to be about anything. Whatever I had on mind. And I also designed it knowing I am a writer. I exaggerate or downplay things. I also imperfectly express ideas. I can have a perfectly fine concept that works in one sentence and cause harm by having multiple paragraphs about it. (For instance, saying I have friends who are ride-or-die? Harmless! Explaining this concept in multiple paragraphs in a way devaluing non-ride-or-dies? Harmful!)

I can express things imperfectly, I can express things in ways that don't make sense without context, I can express things in exaggerated form, I can express thoughts I know aren't true from imposter syndrome, I can express alarm at intrusive thoughts, I can express frustration at dealing with internalized bigotry, etc. My blogs are often flawed, because I'm flawed.

But the whole is important and tells a different story than any individual blog would. In the last month, my perspective has been laid out bare fully exposed on this blog, albeit with redactions of my darkest most-suicidal impulses.

For full disclosure, I was in fact suicidal last month. I felt I could only cause harm. I felt everything I did only made things worse. That I was a terrible human only good for hurting people and increasing their pain. I felt nothing would ever make things better, and I just wanted out. I was in pain. I was hurting, but I felt I had no right to be in pain.

I was the one who hurt others, and their pain was the only thing important. I was the one who caused harm, so my feelings were irrelevant and pretending I mattered would be toxic and only cause further harm. I was the one who was in the wrong, who had done the hurtful things, so I had no place to be anything but remorseful and regretful. Actions have consequences, my actions carried consequences, and I had to accept those consequences.

The pain of others was the most important thing. The hurt I caused was the only thing important. Respecting others was a top priority. Their pain was the most important part. Their hurt was valid. Their perspective was valid. As far as they knew, I was a terrible person who confessed to being involved in something terrible and was remorseless and demonstrated no awareness or mindfulness of how horrific the ordeal was. Even if the truth was I was mortified by what I did, they had no way of knowing how horrified I am by my actions and thus they acted in the way appropriate.

They did the right thing, they are good people doing good things and they are in the right and they are protecting people from me. And that's valid. Everything they did was just, and their feelings are valid and real and important. Their decisions are to be respected, and they are right to have expressed what they have and to act as they did.

All of that and so much more.

My remorse is there. My regret is there. My acknowledgement I did wrong. What I did will haunt me for life. I will carry my wrongdoing with me for the rest of my existence, and it will eternally be there, a reminder of the harm I caused. And I need to atone for it. I need to do the right thing. I need to always be better than I was before.

Almost all of that, in the last month, still stands.

But, as much as Danielle scares me, I don't think demonizing me leads to any good. Those who would are valid for having done so. They're not wrong to do so. Their perspective matters, and is important, and if their perspective is I'm an irredeemable monster, it should be accepted and respected. But, while their viewpoint should be acknowledged and respected, it's okay to disagree with their viewpoint while still accepting its validity.

It's okay to acknowledge them and what they think, while disagreeing. My disagreement doesn't mean I will disrespect them. I can still see their perspective, know where they are coming from, acknowledge their validity, respect them and their actions from their perspective. I have to believe I am a demon/monster/whathaveyou to them...but I don't have to believe I am a monster myself.

I know, it's dangerous to believe I'm less flawed than I am. That's what got me into this mess in the first place. A belief I was in the right, when I was in the wrong, is what caused the harm in the first place. I know, it's a bad idea to have the arrogance to believe I am infallible. I know, it's best to take caution to avoid past mistakes, and that caution means acknowledging I have done wrong and the wrong I did was wrong enough to warrant consequences.

But, being overly critical of myself interferes with my ability to make a difference in the world and to atone and to redeem myself. 

I need to believe there's more good in me than bad, and the good is the more important of the two, to generate the light I am looking to. I know there's those who would think I don't deserve that, or that I'm not. And they're valid. But while that viewpoint is good for them and productive for them, it's not productive for me.

There's a lot I can never change.

I can never change the past.

I can never change others.

But, I can change myself, as well as the future.

I will do more good in the world by being aware of my failings but not letting those failures define who I am.

And I hope that's acceptable to those who read this.

I'm not sure I can do good. But I'll certainly be trying. I hope that one day, that will be good enough. 

...I've gotten back into the groove of blogging with the time-tested true tradition on this blog:
Writer's block!
Or lack of time.
Or lack of motivation.

Or...

...you get the idea.

BUT.

I do want to at least acknowledge things.

I wanted to make a blog detailing the deleted blogs. Given the importance of it, I might do that actually, despite how traditionally, "I'll blog this later" means I never will.

I wanted to make a blog about my similarity to a character in the song "Don't Speak", which I might or might not get back to.

I want to make various uplifting, but also philosophical, statements.

I'm, ah, not really up to anything tbh.

But, I'll let you know, I did go through with the problematic blog deletion. I know, too little too late. The hurt was already done. The harm was already caused. The pain already inflicted. And people already know about my mistakes, they know about what I did wrong, and know how badly I messed up. I'm sure despite me having already explained my reasons, the more cynical towards my character will think it some form of last-ditch effort to hide my blunders, to cover it up, to stop fallout, to save my own skin.

I know all that, but whether they will believe me or not, I did state my reasons. Despite me having already hurt the most important people in the world to me, despite the harm I caused them, I knew those blogs in particular would be extra harmful to everyone if left up indefinitely.

I normally wouldn't delete a mistake from public record, but for this mistake, it felt needed.

Now, I should say. I don't feel like mistakes should be deleted in general, despite me having removed this one. People deserve to see what people were. But I live by the principle of doing the least amount of harm and greatest amount of good. I don't want to pretend I was better than I was. I don't want to pretend I'm good, to rewrite history, to make myself look good when I wasn't. But, I felt that no good would come from people observing the harmful blogs, whereas I've living proof that leaving them up can cause harm months later.

If someone can be harmed by them at any time and no good could come from leaving the mistake public...then the best thing to do would be to remove it. So I did.

I'll also say. I wanted to add more philosophy to this blog. By pointing out how everyone is human, and everyone makes mistakes. And these days, we have an awful tendency to live in the past--judging people by their past mistakes, rather than judging them by who they are in the present. And to go into the details of all that wishful thinking, about how it's bad to focus on the negatives and ignore the positives just like it's bad to do the inverse.

I wanted to point out how it's best to live the life of choosing the path of fewest regrets. And how people could solve a lot by just asking,
"Am I happy with X around" /
"I am happy with X gone" / 
"I am sad with X gone" / 
"I am sad with X around".

But don't have the nuances to explain it.

And most of all, despite how good and valid the advice may be.

The truth of the matter is, right now, despite me having made the thoughts earnestly and without an agenda.

In this moment, were I to blog about it, it'd be selfish, because it'd be wishful thinking.

I want people to have me around. I want people to forgive me. I want to do things with people. I want to be their friend. I want to help people.

I deserve none of those. I'm worthy of none. And I know it. And the people hurt by me know it, too. Actions have consequences. And my actions carry the consequences where I won't ever be worthy of having what I want. There's nothing I can do to heal hurt. There's nothing I can do to make people feel better. All I can do is my best to say and do what people need, and with luck, it will help them at some point.

I know, I know. I've no right to talk about my pain. My pain means nothing. I'm not the one who has the right to be hurt right now. I'm the one who hurt people. I'm the one who caused the pain of others. I've seen the numbers on the blog, something like 69 different people viewed my blog and presumably all of its worst parts. How could I ever claim to be hurt when there's that many people who have viewed what I did, what I said, and came away in various degrees of pain, up to and including heartbreak? I've no right to say I'm hurting, because I am the one who hurt people.

The person who did the damage to others has no right to say how much pain they are in. All they can do is...well. I don't really know, really. What does the person who causes harm do after having caused the harm? Try to reduce the harm in any way, try to promote healing, learn from the mistake, try to do better, regret it, apologize for it, accept the consequences of their actions...can they do anything more than that? 'Cause that's...all I can really think to do myself. I'm guilty. I'm guilty of the worst sins I can think of, and that is hurting the ones I love, my friends, my closest of people. What can I really do after having done that?

I don't know. But I know what not to do. I know not to make it about me. I don't matter. Only the people I hurt matter. I'm not important. Only they are important. The extent of my role in their healing process is to promote it by acknowledging and accepting their perspective, their viewpoint, and how valid and right they are. How I was in the wrong. How I hurt them. How I caused them pain. How I made a bad mistake. How I regret it. How I recognize my actions have consequences, and whatever they do, whatever they feel, is valid, no matter what.

That's the only thing relevant to me. I don't get a say in their lives, in their process, beyond that. The path of empathy requires putting myself in their shoes, understanding them, accepting them, and doing whatever is best for them. It has nothing to do with me, so making things about me is the exact opposite of what I should do.

But, just as their lives will go on, regardless of whether I am in their lives or not, Mine does, too. And part of my life is that I am not a robot, and I do continue to make decisions, have feelings, and do actions, regardless of whether they are good ones or not. And that part of me just...needs to continue blogging, and in this case airing out a debate within me.

I generally don't believe in deleting evidence of my wrongdoing. For a start, it makes it look like I'm trying to cover things up. Like I'm trying to rewrite history. Like I'm trying to ignore my flaws. Like I'm trying to pretend I'm perfect. Like I'm trying to erase the mistake and pretend it never happened. Like I am guilty of everything people think I am, and then some, that I am worse than I actually was. Deleting the proof deletes it from being widely available, but leaves it in the minds of those who already saw it, and to them they will likely think even worse of me for having removed it after they already saw it.

I don't like to pretend I was better than I was. I don't like trying to pretend my past was better. I made a mistake. I screwed up. And the proof is currently immortalized. By showing everyone I made a huge mistake, I can also show how I've grown from that mistake, how I'm better than I was when I messed up royally. By leaving it there, people can see I was in the wrong, and how I now know I was in the wrong. Leaving it there gives everyone a record of what I did, what people should not do, and gives people the learning experience of knowing what to avoid doing and how to do better than I did.

All of that is why I don't delete my past, no matter how cringe-worthy it is, no matter how horrifying it is, no matter how mortified I am, no matter how much I squint when looking at it, no matter how much my heart sinks reading my past words and feeling the absolute gut-punch of knowing I once wrote that horribly wrong thing that was badly hurtful.

...and yet...

...never before have I been more tempted to do exactly that.

I don't want to delete the evidence when people have already viewed it and thus know of my guilt already...

...but I don't want people who haven't already seen it, to then see it and end up hurt by it.

Part of me has always thought, "people reading my words should see all of me, even the bad, even the hurtful stuff, even if it causes them pain, so that they can accept me as the flawed imperfect human I am". Which supports not deleting my wrongdoing.

...But another part of me is screaming that in this case, I should.
I don't know why.

But part of me is just looking at what I did and going, "your words have hurt enough already"--that they should hurt no more, and that I should delete the hurtful things so that only those who have learned of it thusfar will be hurt, and nobody new can be.

That part of me is, for whatever reason growing, but is facing resistance.

I have an entire lifetime of not deleting my wrongdoing because everyone should know how I did wrong, how I suck, how I'm terrible.

But I have a growing part of me that wants to at least remove this wrongdoing from the public eye. It'll remain in private. I'm sure people have screenshots of it, to prevent it from being erased by me doing exactly this. If they didn't already have them, then this blog post will prompt them to TAKE said screenshots, to make absolutely sure the proof remains at least in private. (Although to be honest, if anyone wanted me to give them the proof in private, they could just ask. I would give it to them but warn that it would be harmful.)

Which is smart! You can't let a criminal get away with their wrongdoing by them deleting the evidence of it. You can't rely on word of mouth to prove the wrongdoing. You need the tangible proof of it, so they will immortalize it privately, in whatever ways they deem necessary. And I am a criminal, who deserves to be punished.

Yet. I don't know why. But part of me does want to just...remove it, say what transpired was TOO harmful to leave to the public eye, and that the frail of heart should not learn what transpired, that only those who know already should know.

I kinda just want to be told what to do.

Have someone who has read the damaging blog posts give me a suggestion, or even an order, or a demand. Tell me what to do. I even kinda want it to be that just-delete-it option. And I'm a coward, because that would mean I don't have the strength to do it on my own, despite a large part of me wishing I would have already done so.

But I'll give it some thought. I have the rest of my life to decide, yet the sooner I make a decision, the sooner my actions will have consequences, for better or worse.

Once again, for everything, I am sorry.

I'm trying my best to do the right thing.

Even when I messed up badly, I was trying to do the right thing, but with the benefit of hindsight I know I was badly wrong. I should've never done what I did. Even back then I should've known better, and that I didn't speaks volumes of my character and how tremendously terrible I was--and might still be. I should've been better, but I wasn't. So now I need to keep trying to do the right thing, moving forward.

I just don't know what the right thing to do is.

Like, is leaving it up the right thing?
Taking it down the right thing?
Is neither the right thing, or are both the right thing, with it depending from person to person?

I don't know.

I'll try giving it more thought.

As always though, I just want to remind all of my readers that I do truly love you.
I am sorry for every failure of mine. I am sorry for every shortcoming of mine, as well as all the consequences to flow from my actions.

And...thank you. For reading this. I know this is not something you were likely to have been linked by another. For you to have read this, you likely pursued it on your own, without anyone being told to. You gave me a chance, and listened to what I had to say. You may or may not have judged me, and whatever your judgement is, it's valid. But you still read through it all, and that means everything to me, because it means that despite everything, I am still at least to some extent a human to you.

It's more than I deserve, to be sure.

​But it's welcomed, all the same.

I feel like I should try my best to explain what I mean when I say I've set out on the path of empathy, because words are hard and most probably won't understand.

I'm bad with words in general. Even during kat's lovely message this morning, she couldn't convey herself fully, because translating concepts that are beautiful and wonderful in the brain to words for others isn't an easy process. But, I feel like I need to explain what I mean there.

I can't hate anyone, other than myself. I can barely feel negative emotions towards them, and largely, not strong ones.
I can certainly pity scumbags, people who are worse humans than I am. The likes of Republican extremists. But I can't actually hate them, despite the evil they propagate.

In fact, to some extent, I have love for them all, because I understand most humans are good. They can lose sight of their altruistic side. They can head down bad paths. They can become monsters propagating harm and become selfish. But I can't hate them, because they are humans who could do good and just...don't. I can hate their circumstances, and I can pity them, but I can't hate them.

This takes me to an extreme that I know I probably can get hatred for me for. So, it takes a lot of explaining, and I might not be able to convey the concept. I know what I'm going to say runs against the grain of most people, so I know my true conviction behind it is taking the hardest path I can opt for. But it is a path I genuinely believe that, if followed, would lead to the world being a better place for everyone.

I believe this is a path which would promote healing, love, recovering, reduction of harm, and overall, lead to a better, happier, uplifted world. I'm sure people reading this will think otherwise. Maybe they'll think me disgusting. Or insane. Or monstrous. Or an enabler of monsters. Or naive. Or whatever. I'm not an idiot, I know this doesn't universally work, despite the theoretical draw of it. But, I believe in it and want to devote the rest of my life to following it, my path of empathy.

And it starts with this.

I can't condemn a person for their actions, no matter how horrible those actions were. No matter how harmful the actions were, no matter how monstrous they were, I can't condemn the person for what they have done.

I do condemn their actions though.

To explain the difference between condemning the actions and condemning the person, that's where I need to put a lot of work, because I know what people will think by default. I know you already don't have a high opinion of me and what I've written might have turned you off already and made you think even less of me. All I can really ask is, please keep an open mind. I don't word things well, I'm verbose, I still haven't mastered the art of being short and to the point with my concepts (which is why apologies are walls), but this is something worth explaining.

Condemning actions doesn't mean giving the person a free pass. I know that most of the people I've befriended in the last three or four years have had a lifetime of trauma from people particularly in the religious/right-wing sphere preach about condemning actions and then letting the person get away with it. The toxic side of Christianity, where people are allowed to get away with it all, because they are thought to be good people.

No, actions have consequences. So, condemned actions carry the consequences appropriate to the action. To put this into perspective, it doesn't matter if you're the most amazing person in the world; if you run a red light accidentally, you're still getting a ticket. It sucks, but it's the consequence to the action, no matter how accidental it may have been. Maybe your good nature means you can get the fine reduced, or maybe commuted to some other form of punishment, but you still have to face consequences for the infraction.

That's a fairly smallscale example, but it scales up for all kinds of offenses. For instance, to swing towards the other extreme, a murderer may be sympathetic and even remorseful for their action, but it will still carry the consequence of jail time, reparations, etc. Good behavior can get the jail time reduced, but you're still going to serve time of some kind for having committed the grave crime of taking a life. That action carries a widespread consequence.

So when I say I condemn the action, I also mean that condemned action carries appropriate consequences.

So, what do I then mean by saying I don't condemn the person, if they still face consequences to their condemned actions? The two would seem to be diametrically opposed, opposites that are unable to be reconciled. And, to be fully transparent. Yes, in the real world, they kind-of are. The real world is very very complicated. You need to use judgement calls, and those calls can and often are wrong. It's a personal journey and case by case basis on where you draw the line. There's no perfect solution. There's just imperfect ones.

And it mostly boils down to what I am willing to forgive. My empathy means that's almost anything. If I see the good in a person and I see they are trying to be good. If I see the love and wondrous parts of the individual, then I can forgive almost anything. They still should face the consequences of that action--but whatever consequences entail, I don't believe in cutting them off completely. Maybe restricting them. Maybe distancing from them. But if they are a good person who just made a mistake and is otherwise a wonderful individual, then I believe in giving them a second chance, in allowing their better side to shine through, and I will help them do exactly that.

Especially since what is "wrong" is often largely subjective and based on perception. What is a mistake is largely subjective and based on perception. How many media feature both sides thinking the other side is in the wrong and making the mistake, while genuinely believing that they are in the right? And pursuing what they believe to be right, even if in the eyes of others it is wrong, carries consequences. I can look at an individual I believe or even know has done wrong, and see they genuinely believe they are in the right, and understand them. They are not a bad person, they are not a villain. They just are causing harm from having a flawed perspective and a flawed perception of the situation. So I don't condemn the person. I pity them, and take the appropriate action for their actions, but can never condemn them.

And I need to also specify. This is not a path of being a doormat. This is not the path of being an extremely unhealthy people pleaser. It's possible to have empathy for all while still setting personal boundaries. It's possible to not condemn a person while still restraining that individual because of their actions being too much to handle. Personal health comes first and foremost. Personal self-respect is important, just as being humble and showing humility is.

It's a fine line between personal self-respect and entitlement. But everyone is entitled to live, everyone is entitled to exist, everyone is entitled to set boundaries, everyone is entitled to respect, everyone is entitled to be a little selfish when need be, everyone is entitled to not being able to be empathetic all the time. And that includes me, that includes you.

I'm sure there's more I'm not explaining for this path. Developing it was a huge part of the 500+ pages of notes to myself in my personal discord diary. But the basics are the above.
Self-love.
Love everyone, even those who make mistakes.
Actions carry consequences.
These three are nearly impossible to balance, but if everyone tries their best to, then the world would be a better place.

You don't need to tolerate toxic behavior from someone. It's okay to cut them out of your life while still loving them.
You don't need to accept anything from anyone. It's okay to set the boundary of having closed off parts of your life to them.
You don't need to, so to speak, "take shit".
But you should still be seeking the path of least harm, and the path of most good.

That's the standard I've adapted and am trying to live by.

And it is also what I encourage others to do as well--even if by following it, the result is them cutting ME out of their life.
It's painful, but warranted. I've developed a good philosophy, but my philosophy only developed because I hurt people badly and want to be a good person and be accepted and loved and to accept and love others, despite my screwups.
So because I've done that damage, because my actions carry consequences, the logical extension of it is...

...I suffer whatever consequences I may face.

And that's okay.

I am telling anyone who reads this.

It's okay.

I am sorry for what I have done.
I understand what I did was wrong.
I know I caused great harm and pain.
So I know I face justified consequences to my actions. I have no say in what those consequences are. Only you do. Because you matter. You are important. And I accept whatever you deem appropriate. You are worthy of my respect.

Everyone deserves my respect. And I am so sorry if my path is one which hurts you even more now that I've tried explaining it. I'm so sorry if you feel I am very badly in the wrong. But on some level, I just feel that for me, this is the right path to pursue. I may never be worthy of forgiveness, but I want to forgive others. To uplift rather than degrade them. To focus on the positives, rather than the negatives. Not ignoring or downplaying the negatives, acknowledging they exist is important. But to remember the core truth that most humans are good, and therefore, there's more positives than we realize.

I hope you can understand me the way I understand others.

And if not, I'm sorry. Whatever path you take, you have my blessing, and I wish you luck in your life.

Love,
​Bree.

If that or anything similar is a thought you have, I'll let you in on a secret:
We don't know what to think about ourselves, either.
Are we a monster?
Are we a good person?
Were we a monster that is now a good person?
Are we both?
Are we neither?
We don't know.

In general, it's hard to get a lock on us because we have no lock on ourselves. People tend to see only small parts of us, but even when they see almost everything, we're baffling. Source, we see everything about us and are still clueless. Our mind is constantly changing. Nothing stays the same about us. Our values, our principles, our philosophies, our feelings, our interests, we're constantly someone different, and yet, still feel like the same to an external view.

We don't seem like a different person, yet we do seem like a different person, all at the same time. So, what's real?

We don't know. Is it all real? Is none of it real? Both? Mixture? We've tried to figure it out our whole lives.

But, maybe this brief rundown will help people.

We are plural, a median system. What that means is that we are all Bree, but also have individuality beyond being Bree.
Bree is a collective of all of us, and that collective shifts over time. Some on its own, mostly with the input of us. So, Bree as you know her has changed constantly as we change. It genuinely can take a single daydream of hers to cause a lifetime shift in philosophy, for instance, because if that daydream spawned a facet whose ideas are influential, it spreads.

We have ADHD, so we constantly shift areas of focus and expertise.

Specific facets were designed for specific tasks. Blog writing, for instance, is different from mafia, is different from other-mafia, is different from twitch, is different from discord, is different from other-discord, is different from life, etc. You get the idea. So a facet interacting can be entirely different from a different facet interacting.

We have bipolar disorder, and numerous anxieties, including imposter syndrome.

We are also autistic. We have an extreme sense of empathy, naturally attuned to the emotions of others, but also weirdly blind to them at the same time.

There's more, but these are the relevant ones for the rundown.

We have been a troubled person since the age of 14. We were monstrous, even sociopathic, from about the age of 14-17.
We were narcissistic from the age of about 16-19.

Between the two, I was very bad. I knew there was something wrong with me, or wrong with the world (spoiler alert, we're trans!), but I lashed out. And I thought I owned the world. I thought I was entitled. I thought I was able to get away with almost anything, and I was not going to face consequences.

I deliberately keep the details of my wrongdoings vague on my blog, but vivid in my dreams. I don't want this space to be a space of harm, a space which hurts, a space which causes damage and ruins lives. But I was bad. Very bad.

And then I got better. I grew a conscience. Or rather, my 13 year old conscience resurfaced. I've been kind and empathetic my whole life, but it first got twisted into something monstrous at the age of 14-19.

Which launched an endless cycle.

I learned from the mistake. I was horrified by it. Mortified by it. I swore to never again be that person. I worked to atone. From my own dark history, I became a better person in helping others. I knew I had caused harm, and my way of making up for it was to heal others, help others.

And then, something causes the dark side of me to resurface. So I hurt them, the very people who were endeared to me, the very people I swore to help, and the hurt was deeper than the earlier hurt because when you have been good to people and suddenly aren't, the pain, the hurt, is much worse than if you were a relative stranger, as it was the first time.

So I learn from the mistake. I'm horrified. I'm mortified. I want to do better. And I do. I learn. The past mistakes build off of each other and make me an even better person, meaning I am better at helping people. I work extra hard to atone for my sins, and try to redeem myself. And then I do the same thing. I'm even better at helping people than before, so when I end up screwing up and hurting them, the hurt is deeper than the last time.

That's been going on for at least ten years. maybe 15.

I am always a screwup. I always mess up. My dark side never truly goes away. It's always there, always a threat, always something which terrifies me. My past is continuously mortifying, horrifying me with how monstrous I am, increasing my fear. My imposter syndrome combined with my depression tells me I am just manipulating people, just using them, that I am a monster and always will be. But at the same time, I fight against the destructive harmful urges and try to be the beacon of positivity and niceness I know I am at my best.

A few months ago, I had my latest bout with darkness. I was stupid. I was not okay. I was in a bad mental state. I was emotionally compromised. And in this state of darkness, I made a horrible mistake. I did terrible things, said horrific things. I was a monster. And I became even more scared of my past self, from having seen the damage I could cause. Perhaps it's arrogance combined with imposter syndrome, but I genuinely think I at my worst am capable of ruining lifelong relationships. I know what strings I can pull. And that horrifies me. That is not a good thing. It's a terrible, horrific, mortifying thing.

So...I need to not do it.

I thought I was on the path to doing better, perhaps forever. I've 30 years of experience to learn from my mistakes, to hopefully never make a harmful one again. But it still follows me. It will never go away. Any and all of my past sins are still there. They're in me as a risk to resurface, as well as in my past and there for any who dare venture there to discover and be horrified by.

I can do so much bad,

But I want to do only good. I'm tired of doing harm. I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired of causing pain. But I can never promise I won't, because every past time I thought was the last and spoiler alert, it wasn't. I don't want to be a bad person though. I want to be a good person. I want to help people. I want to uplift them.

In the last few months, we've gotten very good at this, in part because of our failure a few months ago. I've learned to accept their perspective, even if it's different than mine. I've learned to be more accepting of their choices and decisions, even if I am saddened by them. I've learned to understand where they are coming from. I've learned to view things from their perspective. I've learned to see their emotions and understand their pain, their suffering. And I've learned how to approach them better.

The pathetic sad dark side of me calls that manipulation training. I've been manipulating people since I was 13, due to playing mafia. (It's a necessity for the informed minority, and still useful for the uninformed majority.) But the more hopeful idealistic side of me points out that you can view things in more than one light. At its worst it would be--at its best? It's the exact place to be to promote healing and growth. Those are the skills needed to help uplift people.

And I've a good track record of having done so. I know how to target my humor to an individual and make it land. I know how to support them. I remember info about them to help give them advice. I know how to make them feel more optimistic. I know how to steer them in a more positive direction. I know how to avoid toxic positivity--sometimes, people don't want or need advice, but rather, just need a vent. I know how to recognize it, and to differentiate between the two.

And I just want to perfect that art, Of helping, not hurting.

Still.

I know what I want doesn't necessarily reflect reality. Intention matters not in the face of what others perceive.

Some people perceive only my worst side, and think me a monster. They're valid.
Some people perceive only my best side, and think me an angel. They're valid, even if my perspective is that's naive and foolish of them to not know I'm far too flawed for that title.
Some people see almost all of me, and still think I'm a good person. I thank them, and this is what I will always strive for.
But some people see almost all of me, and are mortified, terrified, horrified, and badly hurt by it. And they are valid, too. They are right, and this is how I mostly see myself. There's more good than bad to me, but the bad is made worse by the good being so prominent.

I've tried to figure out what's me by looking at myself through the eyes of others, and looking at their perception of me. If I'm to be the empathetic person I strive to be, then seeing what they see, understanding it, and accepting it is important. But, there's no clear answer because I'm not clearly anything.

Except a mess.
A hot mess.

So...I guess, when you walk away, you can see me however you want to. Don't be afraid to let me know, even if it's not a flattering take. I hate myself often. I hate what I've done. I live with my regrets. I will be haunted by what I've done my whole life. I've done monstrous things, made worse by how I've done good things, but I still want to do good. I want to atone for all the bad. I will regret it my whole life, but nothing I've done can be undone.

My actions have consequences. I know that. So whatever consequences you think are worthy of my actions can and should be done.

I only hope that when all is said and done, I still have a path to make a positive difference in the world.

​Because I do truly love it, and all the people within.

Hi! I just wanted u all to know ur amazing and incredible and wonderful and, yes, beautiful. u are loved and appreciated and adored, more than u know. ur talented and skilled and have more going for u than u know. ur life is worth living, and u make a difference. u are better than u think u are. ur great.

I know in this world, it's easy to focus on all the bad. The negative takes the forefront. It's bad to ignore the bad, but it's also bad to focus only on the bad and lose sight of the good. Most people are great. They are trying their best, just like u are. And, yes, ur trying ur best. even when it feels like u could do more. ur doing the best u can in that moment, and it is enough.

i just wanted people to know, there's a lot of good in this world. More good than bad. Most people are good, so most of the world is good. I know it doesn't seem that way, but the future is a brighter place to live, and u help us all get to there just by being ur wonderful self. It's hard to let go of the negative, and we all go at our own pace. The stronger the pain, the greater the hurt, the easier it is to lash out and stay hurt.

But it's possible to heal. It's possible to get better. It doesn't need to be an instant fix. U need not be a perfect person. Ur good enough as-is. Ur enough as u are. Healing isn't necessarily being better than u are now. Healing can also just be accepting ur great as u are now. u should always be urself, and those who are ur true friends/family will accept u, imperfections and all.

u are doing ur best to do the right thing, every day. ur judgement isn't perfect, but nobody is. u can and will make mistakes, but u did the best u could at the time. And ur not alone. Everyone around u is making their best efforts to do the right thing every day. Their judgement call may differ from yours, but they are still trying their best, just like u are. They make mistakes, too. They did the best they could at the time, too. So, just know, even if the decisions differ, ur not obligated to feel negative emotions towards differing decisions/paths...but if u do feel them, then that's okay. That's natural.

It's okay if u end up hurting people, even if it haunts you for life. It's okay if u mess up. It's okay if you screw up royally. u could never have screwed up as royally as we did, so if ur better than us, ur doing amazingly! And even if u feel ur as bad or worse than us, it isn't the end of the world. There are people who will accept u even after u mess up. Who believe in second chances, who will accept you are still a good person, despite having screwed up.

Ur failures don't make u a bad person. Everyone fails. Everyone can cause hurt to others. What we do is learn from the mistake, try to atone from it, move forward as a better person, and try to promote healing. So it's okay.

I promise ur great, no matter what u do.

And I am sorry if you are hurting or in pain. Time will heal a lot, and a shift in perspective can help too.

Ur loved and appreciated, and just know: I am always here for you, no matter what. For as long as I live.

It doesn't matter if I am a stranger to u or if u know me or if u hurt me or if I hurt you--I will always be available, for you, to help in any way I can. Because it's the least you deserve. You deserve support and love. <3

Three months of a hiatus has been longer than I've ever been gone before--I legit thought I might never blog again, just due to the lack of momentum. But, I am here now, to say what's new.

That's right, I'm engaged!!! My partner popped the question December 3rd, exactly one month after they moved from Michigan to start living with me.

Since November 5th or so, we've been living on our own. Our plan was to use my parents' basement, but it had unhealthy levels of mold, forcing us to pivot to staying in a hotel for a month. We wanted to try and buy a place, but that process took too much time, so we pivoted to renting, and have landed an apartment as of two days ago!

We're still unpacking things, as well as buying things, as well as getting the quirks worked out, as well as getting things set up. I'm blogging from my phone's hotspot, but using my laptop to type this blog out.

The other major update is mostly to my plurality and our outlook on life from it.

Our main fronter nowadays is kat. For those who have had the pleasure of meeting kat, kat is an incredibly childlike beacon of innocence, youthful energy, and joy. She's not naive. She knows the world is complicated, but she has a neat way of simplifying it in ways which are reassuring and helpful. She is a beacon of positivity, always saying how it's fine, how we'll survive, make things work, etc. She is still kat, literally a cat. And sees things much as a cat does. Cuddlish, affectionate, loving, adoring, but also simple.

​She's also largely assisted by another main fronter, Vee, who is spending most of her time around us, imparting her ways of empathy and pacifism upon us. Which has led to both a lot of changes in us, as well as a lot of reflecting on the past and filled with regret about who we were in the past--even a few months ago.

I am an entirely different person than I was back then. I've continued to change, to learn.

Between kat and Vee, and reflecting on my past mistakes, I slowly but gradually have been taken over by a philosophy of taking the path of true empathy and love. Of taking the path of understanding and of least harm. To try and do the most good with the least amount of damage done.

It started with finally developing a way to overcome a monstrous trait of mine I've had since 13. "You are not playing a game. You are dealing with real life."

It sounds stupidly simple, but it helped remind me of how actions have consequences--especially mine. By shifting my mindset from "I need to win this argument no matter what" to "there is a real life person on the other side, and they are really affected by your actions", I was able to start setting myself on a better path.

That evolved into a gradual understanding. Most people are good. Most humans are good. All humans are flawed and imperfect, me more than any other. But almost all humans are good, trying to do the right thing, and doing their best.

And that was what I needed to develop my standard of empathy and understanding above all else.

With the baseline assumption that everyone I am dealing with is a good person, came the knowledge that I had screwed up worse than I knew.

Four months ago, I said some terrible things. Hurtful things. I had some horribly wrong takes. I was causing pain to others, in a way deeper than I had done before, because the people hurt were friends I was alienating with my lack of humanity and empathy.

I was wrong.
I condemn the actions of myself in the past.
I condone the actions others took--including against me, both then and more recently.

They were justified.

I was in the wrong.

I messed up, badly.

I hurt people, badly.

I deserve any and all punishment I am going to receive and have already received.

And I am truly sorry.

Being sorry doesn't undo the damage. Actions have consequences, and the consequences of my actions will haunt me for life.

I truly wish I could undo what I did--but I can't. And because I can't undo what I did, I have to live forever with the knowledge I did terrible things.

I can promise I will not defend myself. I can promise I will accept accountability. I will accept the damage I caused. I will accept all the actions taken against me as valid, and justified, and fair.

I've spent every day writing pages upon pages reflecting on what I have done--and every day, filled with more regret than the last. (When I say pages upon pages, I mean legit over 500 pages written.)

I don't have the words to say, but I do have the remorse.

All I can really do is say I well and truly am sorry.

I've been meaning to say that for a long time. Those who have seen my twitter and discord interactions have seen me over the course of months undergo this change. Where I say I messed up in the past. Where I say I am a monster, who is trying not to be one. Where I say I know I've hurt people, am tired of hurting people, and just want to help.

I want to uplift people. In the last few months, I've gotten better at doing so. I've gotten better at encouraging people. I've gotten better at getting people out of negative mindsets. I've gotten better at telling stupid jokes. I've become a much, much better human than I was a few months ago--I well and truly believe that I am an entirely different person. Given plurality, not far off the mark, either.

The facet who was most dominant when I did the hurt, isn't around anymore. So I am quite literally not who I was back then.

...Still...

...I am responsible for the actions of my past self. That was a version of me, even if she horrifies the current me. I am mortified at what I did. I am horrified at what I said. I've gained a new perspective, and part of that is a renewed faith in communities being found family. I hate what I have done. But I did it then, so I can't just magically wave a wand away and pretend I didn't. God, I wish I could. But all I can really do is to try my best to atone, as I have.

I will admit to every wrongdoing people bring to me. I will confess to every crime to any who want to hear it. I will do whatever I can to promote healing. I don't want anyone to be hurt.

Months ago, when I first wrote the hurtful blog posts, I expected there to be severe consequences. Back then, there were precious few. Yet I have spent every day preparing for the inevitable. Dreading it. Regretting what I did. Remorseful, and hoping that it would be okay. Still, the past mistakes I made will never go away.

I believe in recording past mistakes, even if they are harmful, to let people know I'm not erasing the past and also that I have changed for the better since having made it--but ngl, given the scope of the hurt my past mistake made, I have genuinely considered doing exactly that, to delete it, as to reduce future harm.

We've spent a ton of time on the 500+ pages of writing facing internal conflicts within our system. One of the conflicts is that issue. Do we delete the harmful things? Or leave them for all to see, despite the harm? We've thusfar chosen the latter, especially since it's too late now.

But, I digress.

My point is, my hurt is forever. The pain I inflicted is real, and true, and can never be undone.

I regret it all.

I am sorry.

I was in the wrong. I badly hurt people.

Personally, I don't think I am worthy of forgiveness. But God, do I wish I were. The amount of pain I caused is unforgivable. I am irredeemable. Yet, despite being unworthy, I still want to do whatever I can to atone.

Everyone deserves better than the me of a few months ago. Especially those that I hurt the most. Whatever actions people take regarding me in the future, I will accept. It's their decisions, from their perspective, off of their feelings, and doing what they think is best. I may end up losing a lot I had before, but the fault is entirely my own. So everyone, once again.

I'm sorry for everything.

You all deserve better than what I have done to you.

This blog has been deleted as of 12/11/2023.

Normally, I would never delete anything, least of all a whole blog entry. But given the level of harm from THIS blog in particular, I felt I had to.

For more on why I took this extreme measure, check these blog posts:
http://alltoohuman.weebly.com/blog/the-pain-is-getting-to-me-tonight
http://alltoohuman.weebly.com/blog/i-thought-about-it-overnight

Mostly "no thoughts head empty" but also, family is over for family night, massively distracting, and my head is just...

...I've had thoughts but I don't know any of them right now, not really.

I had a thought right now that I might get around to, but let's review today accomplishment-wise. We did a fair amount of progress on art. We did a youtube upload of a vod and scheduled some extra ones. (Not the amount we wanted to tho. We wanted to schedule a full week.)

So like, given that this is a short day for us, that's pretty good, to be honest. It's not as much as we want, we didn't get to watch the latest paranormal detour video outside the premiere (we watched the entirety of the premiere live, but because it was live, we missed a few details here and there that we need to watch the video to catch), we didn't finish the collar on our drawing, 

But we're happy with the day overall.

It's a good day. Not great. But good.

I did have a thought earlier tho, that I feel I should express.

"You will be alone, you will be by yourself, you will not have another, you will not obtain fame, you will not obtain fortune, none of those things are in your future--and you need to be okay with that."

Not exactly the wording used, but it was not a negative. The message was more like. A prevention of the negative. A need for acceptance. A need for acknowledging the bad in us, but also, that the dreams we have are just dreams, that realistically speaking, we won't obtain them and we need to be okay with not having obtained them.

​I got the vibe it wasn't a doomsaying of "don't try". That it wasn't saying to give up altogether. But more like, that I need to be okay when trying doesn't amount to much. There's nothing wrong with the failure. I will never obtain those things, and need to be okay with that, but not trying to obtain them would still be a mistake, if that makes sense?

I suppose my go-to way to describe it would be the ending of Socrates Jones: Pro Philosopher. (Note: we received an on-the-nose tarot/oracle as typing this which was genuinely the "embrace the flow of life" card, so like: it was genuinely 100% on the nose reaffirming we're right here. But, I digress.)
Basically at the end of that game, it more or less says, "there is no definition of morality, but the search for one is still worth pursuing", essentially. (Need to replay the game to remember it more specifically.)

In this context, it's the same basic idea.
No, I'm not going to get any of the things that I want.
But I need to be okay with that.
And then still try for them anyway.
Because the attempt to do so is something worth living for.

I'm not sure if I'm wording that well. I have the concept in my head and I know the concept in my head is right, but finding the words for it isn't easy. It's a message of acceptance and being okay, of being realistic but also idealistic. (Just got another tarot/oracle card reading confirming that I am on the right track, dealing with effectively: "do it anyway".)

Basically: I need to not expect to succeed. I need to not think I will. I need to know that I likely will fail, and be okay with it. To have peace with the failure, acceptance of it. The realism part of that. But that I should remain idealistic. Not get delusions of success, but rather, my idealism is more in keeping to try in spite of knowing there will be a high chance of failure.

If I don't try at all, success is a guaranteed 0%. But I need to be okay with knowing that my dreams of success aren't going to magically manifest. They need work and even with that work they almost definitely won't work out. It's a reading that is telling me that I need to keep going, but with an acceptance of myself.

​I am flawed. I am going to not succeed. I have issues. I won't manage to amount to much of anything. And this is okay. This is acceptable. I know what I am doing is right. I know that my mindset is headed in the right direction. I need to remember this, moving forward. What I wrote today. Because it's so easy to cave in.
​It's easy to get lost in the delusions of the future, which makes actually manifesting the future nearly impossible, as well as increasing disappointment when it doesn't. It's easy to get lost in despair of having not accomplished things and feeling like you never will. It's so easy to become lost and get overwhelmed by the pain.

I need to remember what I had revealed to me tonight. It's a lesson I've taught myself before, but I couldn't hold onto it. I need to have it stick this time. A shift in mindset and approach that sticks. I am okay with living the life of mediocrity and loneliness.

Well, no. Not really. I'm not okay with it, but I am okay with it, and need to be okay with it.

Emotionally, I am not okay with it. How could I not feel the pain of isolation and loneliness? How could I not feel crushed by my own failures to manifest my dreams? The emotional sting of knowing I am the only one to blame for my shortcomings is one that I can't freely discard. Emotions are emotions, feelings are not things that you can rationally discard.

In that sense, I am not okay with it.

But rationally, I am, and I need to keep that mindstate. To calm my emotions. To reassure my emotions that it's okay. I'm okay. And I am. I am okay with being on my own. I am okay with my ideas dieing with me. I am okay with never having the company of others in a more direct way. I am okay with never achieving my dreams of being a teacher, a mother, an influencer, a writer, a content creator. Those are things I am unlikely to ever obtain, and I need to be okay with this.

And, largely, I am. I just need to remember that I am, and that I'm okay. I'm no great beacon. I need to be okay with being who I am. Now, I do need to take caution. I should not fall into apathy. I should not be careless. I should not be reckless. If I am too okay with who I am, I'll end up progressively becoming a worse and worse person. Some checks/balances are needed in order to ensure that I don't become despicable without having noticed.

It's easy to lose sight of important things, so I can't forget who I am. Which is why I need to strive to be better. I need to keep doing what I do, in the aim for being better. To keep doing what I do, in the hopes of achieving what I want to. Keep doing what I do, in order to strive for the dream. But to be able to accept I won't reach the ideal.

Betterment is a process where I may never get any better. I may end up exactly the way I am now, and I need to accept that, and be okay with that. That 20 years from now I may be precisely where I am right now. Alone and without having succeeded. But I should still try anyway, because the trying helps stop me from being worse.

I need to accept who I am, and accept who I become, and accept I won't be who I want to be. But still try to be who I want to be.

I hope that makes sense. It's not a bad thing. I'd say it's actually a good thing.
​I just need to hold onto it.