Ever have one of those days? I'm not sure if it's typical for people, but I think it is. You know the type of day. Where you have a dozen tasks you could do, and yet, you don't feel like doing any of them? Yeah, that one? I've been slammed by it hard. There's so many productive things I could be doing. Heck, there's a bunch of things I could waste my time on. Games. Reading TVTropes. (Speaking of which, some time I want to talk about my addiction there, and how I want to make an account for a couple of Fridge Brilliance moments for things.) Whether you consider it productive or a waste, my novel.
Know what I feel like doing?
None of them. And yet, all of them. It's as if I simultaneously have a drive to do everything and an entire lack of drive inspiring me to do absolutely nothing at all. And it's been happening since at least yesterday. Because I haven't been sleeping well in spite of my medication and taking it for the last couple of days, I do suspect that it's possible my mental health is involved, with it being so poor and all (and I hope that I get sleep soon, since this will be a big problem if it continues), but it's still annoying.
I'm relatively smart. I should be using my time intelligently. Or even leisurely. Yet here I am...without this blog post, I'd be doing absolutely nothing at all. Not even sleeping. Just laying down, staring at the ceiling, thinking, idling, lost in thought.
...Now, don't get me wrong. Every once and a while, that's a healthy thing to do. It can be quite relaxing, even. It soothes the soul. It gives focus, replenishing me, and can often serve as massive inspiration for me. Buuuuuuuuuuuuut, it's like I said: it's been happening since at least yesterday, maybe even Monday. Which...means that it's not going away. :s
It's basically as if I have too many choices available, and as a result, am freezing up on which to actually do. Obviously, we love the idea of freedom. I think everyone deserves the opportunity to have a choice in their lives, even if that choice is just on whether to have a choice. So obviously, I do appreciate we have the chance to be free, not being oppressed constantly, always having ways out. (Weeeeeeell...debatable. Some would argue otherwise, and even those who argue for it have to acknowledge it's not universal. But let's be a little optimistic and idealistic and assume that most of us have it.)
We have that right to choose our life. But while it's good to have the choice...and I know that at some point in my life I will desire it...remember my blog post about obligations? Bringing that in, another reason I don't make that many decisions, that I appear indecisive, is by choice to not make choices. Making decisions sucks. I don't particularly like doing it. Sometimes, it feels nice to just go with the flow, and do what others suggest me to do.
So while I definitely like to reserve my right to make a decision, to choose my life, to have freedom to do anything (within reason)...well, the simple fact of the matter is, I like having those in theory and currently not in practice. They don't mean much to me right now, even though I know I'd fight to the death to protect my right to them.
Funny how the human mind works. Fighting to protect something we don't need, just because we feel like we should have access to it if we decide we want to use it.