The stars are aligning for me to have creativity.
So with everything going my way in terms of scheduling, I should be able to make something of it, right?
...As it turns out, no.
I couldn't figure out what I wanted to stream today, so I didn't stream, in spite of promising that I would stream. I've gathered a lot more attention to myself in the last couple of months, so if I got back into streaming, there's a fairly high chance I'd have people actually show up, which would get me to my goals.
But to get to those goals I'd need to actually stream, and I didn't.
I even opened XSplit to stream.
I didn't stream tho.
I have wanted to write a twitter thread or blog post about why my handle on twitter is, in contrast to where it is everywhere else (rBree2), why my handle there is The_Descended. And how I have had the inspiration to work a lot on that. (Speaking of which, mental reminder to myself to not forget about the rules of ghost procreation and Aria's brother's true middle/last name and Aria's true middle/last name and how I did the math wrong on Aria's age.)
I have the idea to work on the characters page and the art there, and I know I can do it.
I just need to actually do it.
I've wanted to work more on the Civ 3 mod, but never have made the time for it.
I've wanted to beat the Time Devourer in Chrono Trigger, and even told myself I'd do that today. I didn't.
I've wanted to continue the grind in FFVII. I didn't.
I have a bunch of blogs that I want to make, and my notes keep on piling up.
From yesterday, we've got an RPG game that combines from at least nine different sources. (Dungeons & Dragons all, Adventure Quest + Dragon Fable classes/monsters, MARDEK RPG all parts, Epic Battle Fantasy all 5, Majesty 1/2 Heroes/Items/Monsters, Gauntlet Dark Legacy characters/items, SaGa 1/2/3 all, Chrono Trigger all, Final Fantasy all.)
I've got notes for The Descended, and a lot on Davos specifically.
Today I had something to do with plurality that I want to vent about.
I've got a mafia article to finish writing.
I've got a mafia game to finish designing.
I've got a Team Fortress 2esque Wild West game idea to talk about.
I've got a Demonic Possession J-RPG game idea to talk about.
I've got to record/make twitter posts that I have had for months.
I've got an ambitious story idea ideally told in manga form about a Sci-Fi/Fantasy setting where it's basically a Fantasy setting set in the far future where it's effectively Star Wars, but more fantasy, with magic instead of the force and Paladins instead of Jedi and Death Knights instead of Sith and Light Blades instead of Lightsabers.
I've got an ambitious world idea which combines aspects of Marvel, DC, and other comics, and yet puts my own unique spin/twist on them.
I've still got that Power Rangers ramble to make.
I've got stream stuff to do.
I've got a song to finish writing, then perform.
I have a bunch of art stuff that I want to do, notably, an art piece of me to complete by the 25th, which will be the one-year anniversary of my having come out.
I need to ask someone who made a gift piece of art of me if it's okay to use/share elsewhere.
I have all of that to do, and so, so, so much more.
And yet I did none of that.
I did do a couple things. I checked medical stuff, which I needed to do.
I made progress in Castle 4-0 in minecraft.
But most of my day was spent wasting time on League of Legends.
Granted, I'm progressing Challenges quite nicely, and it's actually fun!
It's just that.
I'm literally at 4:15 am and counting, and have done...nothing.
I'm not living.
I'm not making good use of my time.
I'm not doing tangible work of any time, or progressing any of my goals.
I've done nothing.
The stars literally aligned to give me the free time to have a chance to accomplish something.
I'm never going to get a better chance than this.
And yet I squandered it.
I haven't even done hygiene!
It's a miracle I've not forgotten my medication, at this rate.
I have so so so much that I have the potential to accomplish.
I have done none of it.
Not even the very-important-thing of the IRS mail I received that's a big scary thing I need to talk to work HR about.
And don't get me wrong.
I get it.
But the things I did today were largely me running away from my problems.
It's not that I did them to have fun.
I did them to escape from the responsibilities I have.
I knew it was for that purpose when I started them.
And I knew it after I finished them.
That I was in a bad slump, and needed to do something in that time because it's impossible to do truly nothing.
But my reaction to being in the slump was to do the things that are as close as I can get to doing nothing.
I knew that going in, and I know it after.
I knew I would regret it going in, and sure enough I regret it after.
Yes, I am genuinely having fun playing League.
But I know that it is the worst possible usage of my time.
I genuinely can't think of a worse usage of my time. I can't sleep to waste the amount of time that game wasted. I can't listen to streams, just streams, for the amount of time that game wasted. So like.
What could I do which would possibly be even less productive?
I chose the least productive thing to do, effectively just to kill my mind and just...well, I've ceased to function already due to the depression, but I gamed the worst waste of time just because I didn't want to do anything to counter the depression and did the activity which most feeds into the depression.
The depression is bad.
And I am doing nothing about it.
I've felt bored out of my mind in the last two days, but the truth of the matter is, I've rejected literally every opportunity I was given to do anything satisfying.
So I am left here to rot.
Because I am wasting my life.
Why can't I just.
What makes it so hard for me to exist?
I haven't investigated the game I've been playing recently either.
I'm doing nothing.
This blog is the most productive I've been all week, and it's just a rant about how I've not been productive all week.
So that really says something about how pathetic I am, doesn't it?
I can't even read comics/novels/TVTropes/etc. to satisfy my urges.
Nothing I am doing is working.
I just want to be something resembling anything right now.
But I'm not.
And I never will be.