Too much work to do, can't talk, busy compensating for downtime caused by awkward things that are largely my fault but also were partially because of my circumstances, basically need to stay up for...a while, in order to do something, and that something's gonna take all my time and focus.
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So we made the trip home today. I'm basically waiting for my computer to warm up (well, it's plenty warm from the trip, but I mean get ready), and during that time, I'll be talking.
In spite of it being a nearly ten-hour trip (from about 9:30 to almost 7:30), with the four siblings meaning the most banter to talk about...I actually don't have that much to talk about. We took the route we traditionally took down as kids, 97, all the way up (including past the park on the Washington side which we used to make a dam in the river at), but ultimately, veered onto I-90 rather than going onto Highway 2. (This, because of a decision to not let the sun get in our eyes.) We did have to stop twice for gas, plus one more stop for lunch, at Dairy Queen, which my brother was a bit bitter about because he picked up the bill, which there was an unpleasant surprise on: at other fast food restaurants, if you order a meal and then replace the drink with a special drink, you get the cost of the meal, and then only the extra cost of that drink. At Dairy Queen, you pay the full price of the meal, PLUS the full price of the new drink...meaning, as he bitterly put it, "pay $3 for small fries". Other than that, the only thing I really can think of to comment on is that we encountered the remnants of a fire on our way up. As in, still smoking, on the side of the road, fire trucks there, with a sign saying, "Fire on side of road, use caution" or something to that effect, fire. It was freshly put out, and I do mean, FRESHLY put out. Was a bit neat. Since we drove in the AC car, I actually ended up getting cold, too, in spite of being on the eastern side of the states for the majority of the trip. Anyway, it's about time that I got my blog back up and running, so getting ready to post. Uh, before you go, though, a note: timestamps SHOULD have meant that the entry I posted for August 13th made after I arrived would show up on the blog after the "ambiguous entry" entry. It did not. So, if you were up to date on the blog, go back to the blog post BEFORE that. I apologize for the slight anachronism, but there's nothing I can do to fix it. The "August 13th" entry comes after the "ambiguously dated" entry. That, you could figure out by context probably, but it needs to be officially said anyway. Apologies. Well, the funeral was today. I'm...not really sure what I have to say. Back when I was at the funeral for the round dance teacher I knew, it was a special experience. This...well, it was largely awkward, and filled with a type of visible grief and pain (even worry) that's hard to describe.
So, I...don't really have much to talk about, unfortunately. It's mostly some personal stuff, things personal even beyond the level of a personal blog like this. Like...unlike yesterday, today I do want to blog about this. I do want to talk about it. I think something like this is important. It's just that...I don't think that I can. What I can do, though, is mention that tomorrow, us four kids (plus an old, frightened kitty) will be traveling on the road tomorrow, potentially in the smaller car. Mixed bag: air conditioning with none of the worrying problems...but much smaller. Fortunately, at least half of us packed light, but there's still a fair amount of my stuff at the least. It'll fit, though. Pretty sure of that. It's just a matter of how close of a fit it'll be. That does mean packing tonight as well, which means I probably won't get the opportunity to blog again tonight. It DOES, fortunately, mean I might be able to get this entry up tomorrow, and have time to blog then before the end of the day. In some ways, I'm largely disappointed: I got virtually nothing done. I DID get a little bit of work here and there finished, but nothing significant. Ah, well. It is what it is. And given the whole purpose of this trip...the thought of me getting much productive done was probably a pipe dream anyway. Looking forward to getting home, though admittedly not looking forward to all the catching up required given my absence for so long. I'll keep you posted on that. Know how I normally have a bunch to say on vacation days? Usually, there's a ton. My entries are long, and cover a lot.
Yeah, not today. Today, the closest thing you'll see to a long entry is me going into elaborate detail for why I don't want to make a long entry. I thought I could handle this, and I'd be fine. But today just...well, nothing went well today. And I feel like a black sheep in my family. And while they're busy for preparations, tomorrow maybe being the funeral, I'm just really frustrated, really angry, having extreme irritation, basically, an episode, a fit, of emotionality, of those negative emotions in intense bursts: hatred, distaste, dislike, you get the idea. All those anger, all those rage, emotions, running through me right now. And I've had this for...most of the day. I've tried venting them out, but many of the things meant to help me have only made it worse, and this is NOT a mindset I want to stay in and yet here I am in this mindstate that I really don't like. I may be human. I may be autistic at that. I may not be a full adult yet. But I still expect BETTER of myself than...than...THIS. This frustration, this childish ire...it's not me. Bitterness is something I let myself experience every once and a while, but nothing like this. And for good reason. I'm just...very much in a state where I'd not talk about what's going through my head. It's not pleasant stuff. I'm sorry I can't give you something for today. But today was not a day I want recorded on my blog. It's one of those days where I want a hug, but can't get one. But, of course, by the time anyone could read this, the moment will have long-since passed. I'm going to try and sleep now, so probably nothing productive today, but even if there was, yeah, my current state is not one where I should be blogging. So while I was busy doing my stuff, my siblings, without my knowledge, were playing card games: crazy 8s, go fish, a bastardized version of idiot, maybe others. When I came in, we had enough players for Hearts, so we did that again. On the second round, I shot the moon, giving me a good lead, though I lost a lot of it on the third round from a failed repeat. (I didn't exactly have much choice.) On a later round, my older sister was dealt by me the queen of spades, and then revealed she literally had ONLY Hearts left. As in: Hearts had not been broken. And she played the highest Heart cards. All three of us tried our best, but there was nothing we could do to stop her from shooting the moon. Final score? Me, 54. Her, 50. My brother, in the 70s, and my younger sister as the game ender.
I had the queen of spades in almost every game, so I was quite aware of its usage, at times even deliberately holding onto it specifically so I would know how and when to use it. Worked out fairly well, but did have that backfire. I didn't exactly have much of a choice, though. There was no way I could have known my sister had only hearts. And we had been playing lots of black cards: a worrying number of black cards, since most of my black cards were high. I had no red cards, so the moment red was played, I got rid of it, which led to her shooting the moon. Close game. My older sister left to shoot arrows, and she's the one who cannot tell a lie. So we used her absence to play BS. I was good at getting my lies through, except on card monopolies. My sister also got through. My brother...not so much. His lies were always called, and he also called people on things he thought were lies which weren't. The main reason I didn't win that game is that I got caught in a lie, while my sister was allowed to go free on her lie at a critical stage in the game. After that, it was just a matter of time. What also was a close game, initially, was 5-card stud poker, between us three. This back-and-forth went on a while, with every one of us gaining and losing coins in about equal amounts, which makes sense: that game is very largely random. When we switched to Texas Hold 'Em, on the other hand...well, let's just say I spent MANY hours PER DAY in my childhood watching poker events. On multiple channels. For different events. I mean, I don't quite remember the exact hand orders (for instance, two pair versus three of a kind), and I KNOW that there's no such thing as a tie, unless the five cards on the table are literally the five best possible cards. (Even then I'm not sure.) So I don't know THOSE. ...But what I DO have, is a good strategy. I'm decent at bluffing, and good at leading people on when I'm sure I have the winning hand. The main advantages I have, though, are twofold: one, I can generally read what my siblings have (so I know their rough strength compared to mine), and two, I know how to play the odds. This allows me to make strategic bets. I don't always win, of course. But through a combination of luck and skill, I bled my sister dry, eventually. We struggled, and at one point, I even had less chips than the other two, because I had hit a bad luck streak where even betting small, I was taking losses. (See, I never fold, so I had a 50% chance of winning most hands anyway, since one or both of them often did.) But I bounced back, and when my sister was eliminated, we called that game. Then, we did Golf. Everyone got terrible hands. By which, I mean: sure, the person winning might have gotten a score of like six points or so, but EVERY OTHER person had a double-digit score, usually closer to 20 than to 10 at that. Now, who this person was changed each time! So the game was a bit close the whole way, with us not knowing who was at the advantage overall. But ultimately, my brother won, with 110 points, my older sister beat me by 3 points, and my younger sister had 160-some points. So, that's taken us to this point, technically past midnight, but still part of the same entry day as far as I'm concerned. I still say I'm probably one of the better card players in the family, though we're all pretty close. I'll see if I have anything else to talk about tonight, but I sincerely doubt it. Well, the majority of today has been spent sleeping, but in spite of that, I did make significant headway on the new novel. That's not what I came here to talk about, though. I designed a new RPG today.
I'm still ironing out the details, but this is what I've got so far: There are six classes: Mages focus on magical attack, reigning destruction down on enemies. They have a secondary focus of confusing enemies, debuffing them, and whatnot. Clerics focus on magical defense, healing the party, while also protecting them, giving them buffs and generally making them more combat-effective. Knights are physical fighters with an emphasis on defense. Berserkers are physical fighters with an emphasis on attack. Rangers are a general survival class, versatile in many things, specializing in attacking from afar, delivering unpleasantries with precision. They are stealth experts (shared with Rogues), who also know how to survive in the wilderness. Rogues are the adventurer's best friend, as they serve to detect traps, pick locks, solve puzzles, and the like. They also are the stealth experts (shared with Rangers), as well as masters of disguise. They can pickpocket, steal, and such as needed. There are six levelable stats: Strength, Endurance, Intellect, Wisdom, Instinct, and Speed. Strength is attack power. It is also a requirement for equipment, so not something classes such as, say, a Cleric or Mage can simply discard. (For instance, carrying too much will induce a penalty on speed, which would not exist with an appropriately high strength level.) Endurance is defense. It has many passive benefits, most notably, the increase in HP it offers. Intellect is the primary stat for magic attack. It also controls MP growth. Wisdom is a versatile stat, used primarily for magic defense. It does add to MP. Instinct is THE most important stat overall, because of how much it controls. It is, first and foremost, the luck stat, which in an RPG is actually VERY useful. It boosts physical reaction slightly (that is, making things faster), and magical reaction a lot. Speed is the main source of boosting physical reaction time, though it also boosts magical reaction time. However, the main purpose of the speed stat is its control over dexterity and nimbleness. See, "weight lifting", "physical reaction", "magical reaction", "nimbleness", and "dexterity", as well as HP/MP growth, are all stats that exist, and influence the game, but are not separate stats. Each class has stats they benefit from, but all of them need some of each. Mages benefit most from Intellect, but also can use Wisdom. Behind that, Instinct. Speed/Strength/Endurance are about equal in need. Clerics benefit most from Wisdom, but also can use Instinct. Behind that, Intellect. Speed/Strength/Endurance are about equally important. Knights benefit most from Endurance, but also can use Strength. Behind that, Speed. Instinct/Intellect/Wisdom are about equal in need. Berserkers benefit most from Strength, but also require good Speed. Endurance is also of important. Instinct/Intellect/Wisdom are about equally important. Rangers benefit most from Instinct, then Speed. From there, they don't really need anything, though if they're doing their job right, Endurance is the stat they SHOULD least need (because they shouldn't be getting hit in the first place). Rogues benefit most from Speed, with Instinct as a second. From there, they need all four in about equal amounts. Now, obviously: all six classes would use some magical attacks, and all six classes would have some physical attacks, and all six classes would have some manner of indirect benefits to the battle. So that's another reason why they need those stats. Haven't quite worked out what those abilities are, but what I HAVE done is worked out what those stats are. Each PC would get 12 points per level. By default, six are assigned, one to each stat, and the other six kept in reserve until assigned. Assigned points cannot be reassigned, but unassigned points do not need to be assigned. Each stat has a minimum of 1, so on character creation, they only get six available. So: HP is base of 50. +10/level-up. MP is base of 10. +5/level-up. Strength provides a linear +1 to minimum physical attack damage (this linear amount may not seem like much, but it stacks with other stuff) per point. It also gives +2 to max physical damage per point. This is calculated PER ATTACK, so, say you have a weapon dealing 2d3-5 damage. 1 point of strength will turn EACH hit into 4-7 instead. (Thus, the value comes in stacking hits.) Endurance provides a linear +1 to physical damage reduction per point. (The inverse, countering attack.) It also gives a +.1% chance per point of nullifying physical attacks. (So, 10 points = 1% chance, and 100 points = 10% chance.) Furthermore, there's a +.05% block chance per point, and +.05% deflect chance per point. Its main notable bonus is +5 HP per point. Intellect provides a +1% to minimum magical damage per point. (This means that you need to be doing a minimum of 100 damage with an intellect of 1 for there to be any benefit at all, but understandably, this ability increases SIGNIFICANTLY with more points invested and with greater damage dealt. Imagine doubling the damage of a 200-damage spell.) Furthermore, it provides +2% maximum magical damage per point. It adds 2 MP per point. Wisdom provides a linear +1 to minimum magical damage reduction per point. Furthermore, it adds +.1% magical damage reduction per point. (So, at 100 points, 10% reduction.) These do stack. It also gives a +.1% chance to absorb a magic attack per point, and +1 MP per point. Instinct provides a bonus to most rolls, equal to the number of points, or sometimes allowing for an extra roll of the die. So, with 1 instinct point, +1 is probably not gonna make much of a difference on a roll...but with 10 points, +10 to a roll can make the difference between success and failure. It is used for trap detection and ambush detection, reducing the chances to both. It offers +1 physical reaction time per point, and +3 magical reaction time per point. It also gives +1% chance of dodging per point. Speed provides +3 physical reaction time per point, and +1 magical reaction time per point. It offers a +2% chance to dodge per point. It gives +5 dexterity and +5 nimbleness per point. Now, nimbleness is needed for stealth. If you want to avoid alerting, say, a guard, or maybe want to sneak past by that group of monsters, this is what you use. It ALSO is included in the believability of disguises, so it helps in things such as bluffing enemies, in talking your way through things, etc. Dexterity is needed for precision. Many attacks require certain amounts of dexterity, or will have a bonus based on dexterity. It allows for picking locks, and also for pickpocketing. Furthermore, it is the skill needed for stealing things without being noticed, and contributing to the chances of grabbing an item when you HAVE been noticed. (For instance, already in the middle of battle? Dexterity is what you use to steal from your enemy some extra cash.) Physical reaction time is used for determining who moves first in battles, AND in determining cooldown between attacks AND in determining attack cooldown. Some attacks take longer than others to prepare, some take longer than others once used to use again, and physical reaction time helps reduce these values, allowing for usage of the attack sooner. Magical reaction time is used primarily for the magical version of attacks, determining their cooldown and charge times, but serves as a secondary determining factor in who attacks when: if equal in physical reaction time, the higher magical reaction time will go first. The weight restriction, haven't fully mapped that out yet. But what I HAVE done is mapped out 35 item slots. Eight ring slots. A glove slot on each hand. A bracelet slot on each arm. (Wrist jewelry.) A forearm slot on each arm. A shoulder slot on each side. Stockings. (You know, socks.) Footwear. (Shoes, Boots, etc.) Underwear. Leggings. (Pants.) Underarmor. (Shirt, tunic, etc.) Armor. Cape. Neck. (Amulets, necklaces, etc.) Mouth. (Masks.) Eyes. (Glasses.) Forehead. (Headbands.) Each ear. (Earrings.) Ear covering. (Headphones, ear pieces, etc.) Helms. Back. (Backpack, Quiver, etc.) Right Hand. Left Hand. Hip/Waist. (Belts.) Now, this would seem like a lot, but many items take up multiple slots, e.g. two-handed weapons, a plate helmet. I think it would be quite simple to manage, and would keep players aware of their inventory (which weighs them down) and storage: they have to hold their adventuring stuff SOMEWHERE, after all. Default characters come with no rings. Rangers and Rogues come with some basic gloves on each hand. Knights start with two basic shoulders. Berserkers start with one. All start with basic socks, and basic shoes. They all start with basic underwear, simple pants, some form of underarmor, and some form of armor on top, differing depending on which class. Rangers and Rogues get a cape. Rogues get a mouth wrapping. Rangers get aviator sunglasses. Knights and Berserkers get a headband. All of them start with backpacks and basic belts. Mages and Clerics get their choice of four items between Rings/Bracelets/Neck/Ear/Shoulder. They all, of course, start with a one-handed weapon, save the Ranger who uses a two-handed bow. The rest would be filled as they adventure, with miscellaneous items. But I haven't put the time and effort into thinking out what these items would be. Just like I haven't put the time and effort into thinking out the rest of these details. Because as awesome as the idea may be, I think I've reached my capacity. I don't think I can expand it out into a full setting. Though, that does give me an idea: the new-novel I'm working on could also viably be an RPG of its own, I'd just need to make some adjustments as to allow for the benefits/drawbacks of races. Food for thought, I'll tackle it later. (Speaking of food, I suspect supper's in 20 minutes. I'm certainly hungry enough for it!) So today, I decided that I would work on my new novel a bit, when it occurred to me...most of my notes for it are online. As in, not available until night. In other words, I'll have to wait to do the majority of my work, since all I can do now is gather scattered bits and pieces here and there to work from.
Oops. Ah, well. I'll do what I can, then move on to some other task, I guess. Haven't decided between old-novel or webcomic, but I'm determined to not waste time on a video game, and it's not like there's exactly much else for me to waste time on. Everyone else in the family seems to be making use of their time doing stuff like reading. So I figure, I'll be doing the opposite, in making something TO read. So it's official, as of 30 minutes ago. (This is a message made at 3:30 AM, on the border between Friday and Saturday.) My grandmother's fully gone. I was told to come immediately, so yes, I will be leaving tomorrow, probably relatively early. I do have my stuff packed and ready to go, it'll take me literally five minutes to get ready.
Not including eating time, which would delay things slightly, but not significantly. I mean that, socks on, second clothing layer on, shoes on, and I could drag my stuff out to the car one item at a time. So, I'm ready for them, and they'll be here some time soon. I'm...honestly not sure what emotions I'm feeling right now. It doesn't have a name, none that I know of. It's not sadness. It's not "sad that I'm not feeling sadness". It's...just, something else, something strange, and I don't think I've ever felt in that state before. It's like...it kind-of feels like I'm in a calm, cool, collected, emotionless state...yet feeling every emotion at once. There's just a lot on my mind, and I'm not sure of anything right now, so...I guess, for the time being, I'll just get prepared for bed. Well, we arrived. The journey was long, and mostly, hot. It started out simple enough. My sister drove to my brother's place, where he promptly tricked her into leaving the vehicle...so that he could get in the driver seat.
We hit heavy traffic, and discovered a few unique perks of our chosen method of transport: an old, 90s Astrovan. Namely, it has the check engine light on when it shouldn't, the transmission has an issue, and on this really hot day...we had no AC. ...Plus, we had only an eighth of a tank of gas, so it didn't take us long before we had to make our first stop, once we got to a clearing in the traffic. It was during a detour, between 405 and I-5 (the off-ramp between the two was closed, so we had to use an alternate route: exit 2A, whichever highway that is. We use it for square dancing, I still don't know its name) that we finally stopped. At this stop, while filling up, my sister and I went into the store to buy a drink. She got some brand name, famous for something or another and tied to a state, but I didn't remember or really care. (Uhh, as I was typing this blog post, I overheard them. Arizona somethingoranother, mango flavored.) What I DID get was the bottled Starbucks coffee, mocha: my first coffee in two days. And given that I got up today at 10 (the time my sister walked in the front door, and we left like five minutes later), this was something I highly appreciated...especially given our weather! ...Did I mention it was hot? Because, yeah. Here we were. Driving in 91-degree weather. No AC. The vents blowing in air warmer than outside air. Dead stop traffic. It didn't take long for my brother to wish that he had gotten a drink, too. Eventually, at about 2:30 I believe it was, we ended up stopping for our lunch: Burger King. Where my brother decided to douse himself in water slightly, using the bathroom sink. (This may have happened on our next stop, I know it happened twice at least.) About an hour later, we were still hot. In traffic. Because most of Washington was traffic, and some of Oregon was, too. Actually, by the point we were considering stopping, in Eugine or Springfield (they're right next to each other), we went to a Starbuck's. For more coffee, this time for all three of us. Which hit the spot, really, really well. Three stops made, only one strictly needed. When we were off of I-5, we passed a Dairy Queen, which my brother lamented: he passed it, because at the Starbuck's, I said I was too full to eat. But I said, at the time, I was. With travel, and the hot temperatures, I said I could go for a small blizzard. So, in the hot weather, we continued to Oakridge, where we got gas. Next to the gas, there was a Dairy Queen, so...we entered, and got some blizzards. My brother did his second wash-up, which he said helps a lot, and we were on the way. The shade also was beginning to contribute, and it didn't take long before the temperatures dropped into the 80s. By the time it was like 8, we had even gotten into the 70s, though the cold mountain air was the best part of the trip. We started taking some bets on arrivial time, and I won (like I normally do when not given interference like, saaaaaaaaay, missing your turn!), because I correctly estimated the distance we'd have, and off the speed we were likely to be going, gave an arrival time of 9:05. (I actually thought it'd be closer to 9, but I wanted my siblings to bet on 9:10 or higher.) Since they both bet higher, and we arrived at 9:02 by my watch, there was little doubt who had made the right call. I'm usually quite good at those things, after all. I'm not sure why, might be how my brain is wired. (It's a bit stereotypical of me to say, but people with autism are good at making connections, which would explain why given good data, I can make good predictions.) So now I'm here. I wrapped up my mafia duties fairly quickly. (More on that below.) There's not much for me to do at the moment (I made sure of that), though this will be a strenuous time for me. After checking in for the night for mafia, I went out to the living room, which is almost about when I started typing this blog. (It's taking me a while to write, and I've moved four locations since the intention started: once into my room to retrieve my laptop, a second time to go back out and listen to the conversation, a third time into the dining room where my siblings were getting ready for bed, and once they were in bed, a final time back to my room. Though, as of the time of this sentence...all three of them are still awake and conversing. I left the room because I was afraid my typing was loud and could keep them up. Apparently, I was wrong, but oh well.) The conversation was...well, grim, as to be expected. Nobody in the family brought much with them, except me, because nobody in the family is treating this in any way like a vacation, except me. They didn't bring games, computers, guns (well, they did, but no ammo to shoot at our gun range we have here), nothing except the essentials; they packed light. I packed less clothes than normal, but otherwise, packed the same as usual. So, the mood was a bit bleak as we discussed many things. We had been discussing them for a while, though earlier, when the TV was on, I was listening mainly to the TV. (It started with a show mixing science with history with a bit of religion/myth/lore thrown in for good measure about the possibility of, and workings of, ancient cities, and then transitioned into a program about the multiverse, but that was apparently a repeat and it was turned off, even though I was INTENSELY interested in it given my own beliefs.) I don't remember the details, and even if I did, I probably wouldn't share them, given their immensely personal nature. There's the usual banter on occasion with remarks here and there (especially on the trip, which was hot), but even on the trip, the mood was a little uneasy. So that more or less takes us to right now. There's a fair amount I could talk about. A fair amount I could do. I'm considering working on the new novel project while I'm here, and this would be the perfect time to. Or, because I'm gonna be using my laptop a lot, I could work on my old novel. Or, because I brought everything I'd need in order to do so (except an internet connection from which to gather reference images), I could work on my webcomic at long last. These things I could do, but most likely? What I'll be doing is going to bed. All the same...before I do, there's something I wanted to talk about. This, in regards to the division of my identity in the first place. In the past, the difference between Ranger and mastina could be masked effectively, since the only time that I was V/LA, EVERYONE would be V/LA. (That is, the holidays.) My activity as mastina had decreased enough to not be notable, even, and the few times I did need to declare something as mastina, circumstances left me not needing to as Ranger. ...This, however...is different. It puts me to the test, because our V/LAs start, and end, at the same time, and it's at a time that there is no excuse for. No holiday. Just me, attending to some HIGHLY personal matters. But while this puts to test whether I can keep the divide up...what I've really been wanting someone to ask me, even though I know they won't, is this. ...Basically. I want someone in the know, who knows that I am both of them, yet neither of them, that they are separate people, yet intimately linked, to ask me on the appropriate channel. "Hey...are you doing okay?" Now, obviously! People have said that to mastina, since I told them about my grandmother. But nobody's asked the same to Ranger, in part because it's less public, in part because anyone in the know will usually default to asking mastina, and for a bunch of other reasons. There, the answer is: "I'm doing alright, thanks." Usually with a <3 attached. That's not really a lie, though if they were paying close enough attention to my blog to know my FULL feelings, they would know that the reason I'm doing alright is because of...well, because of my unique perspective on all this, where I don't really have the same sadness, the same grief, the same need to plan things and to mourn, as my family does. But as Ranger? With a masquerade, the answer is similar, but different: "Not really, but I'll manage. I'm doing alright given circumstances." A non-answer, but accurate all the same. If you take away the mask though, if you look at the Bree behind it all, the super-mind that is both Ranger and mastina, the entity aware of everything, the nexus of my mind, my multiple personas, the me that is all of my mes... ...If someone like that were to ask me how I was doing, the answer would be altogether different: Not well, not well at all. I just have lost all my sense of focus, of purpose, of division, between my mes. They are still different people. I can feel that. I can't really explain it, but they still feel like they are different people than before. But WHO they are has shifted, and the vision I once had of both has been clouded, and now I'm not sure. One has taken some traits from the other, and vice-versa. Some good, some bad. So you'd think that'd be them becoming the same, right? No. Maybe switching places? Well, I've feared that, but looking at it, I don't think so, either. Since about June I'd say, though...there's been a marked difference, where the people I have been are falling apart. Some of this is from the stress of the game I've been running the last month or so. People who are "in the know" might assume that when Ranger says that she is having physical issues, it is a lie. It is a cover-up, for mastina. This isn't necessarily wrong, since on a VERY bad day where I was borderline suicidal, I couldn't play mafia and I needed to say something. But it's not accurate, because in actuality... ...I've felt the stress of my dual identity. I've felt the stress of everything mastina is, and is expected to be, and then that compared to everything Ranger is, and is expected to be. Both by others, and more importantly, by MYSELF. So given that...there's been a lot of wear and tear. Keeping up the division, which I no longer even fully understand, has taxed me. Has placed me in a spot where mastina can be physically and mentally fine, but Ranger is suffering. THIS part is a reversal, since when Ranger as she currently is was new, mastina was suffering a lot and Ranger felt like a relief. ...But again. They are not interchangeable. They are not one and the same. They are basically two different people. SIMILAR, yes. Both who have a lot in common. But not identical. One can have a hard time while the other does not, and vice-versa too. Both can be doing absolutely fine, or both can be having troubles. These troubles can both be mental, both be physical, or be one of each. I think at this point, I'm not maintaining the dual identity because it's something I find amusing, something that I did just for a change of pace. At this point. I think that I maintain the dual identity because I NEED it, to have my life be what I want it to be. I'm rambling here. I know, I probably don't make much sense. Most people already know that Ranger and mastina share the same body. A fair number of those people even know the intricate details, of how in spite of the shared body they are NOT one and the same, of how I actually FORGET details I know as mastina when being Ranger, and actually FORGET details I learned as Ranger when being mastina. (Though, sometimes, I DO have some awkward interactions as both where I KNOW, remember, interacting with a player, but I DON'T remember how off the top of my head, and need to check to see which identity it was as, and which identity I am currently in. Fortunately, this is a very rare occurrence.) But even I don't fully know what the deal is. We're not all the same person, and yet...we are. Sometimes as I'm blogging, I'm Ranger, other times, I'm mastina, other times, I'm neither, some times, I'm both, yet other times, I am all at once. The details of Ranger change. The details of mastina change. They change as I do, and then some. They, we, are in a constant state of flux. And ultimately? I think this is an okay thing. It's become a part of me. This identity thing is ridiculously complex, I know. I'm sure if someone were to psychoanalyze it, they may be able to come up with some fancy word explanation that would say what all this is. But I honestly don't care. I have these identities, and I think they are important to let be, to let both exist. I have this plan to take a short break from both, as to refocus my energy, though I'm no longer sure of how viable that plan is. But I intend to keep both up and running, Ranger and mastina in tandem. There's turbulent waters currently, what with my whole situation. I'll survive though, I'll manage to find a way to make this time be worth something. But I'll be doing this...not now. I know it's a bit early for me to be going to bed (as I finish typing this blog, it's not yet 1:00 AM), but all the same... Long day. Lots to think about. So I'll spend my time asleep now. Looking forward to tomorrow's challenges (whatever they may be), and also looking forward to posting this blog (whenever I get back). Thanks for listening! (Or, more likely, skimming. I'm wordy. Sorry!) Advantage to being alone?
I can do literally anything that I want to. I know that, whatever time my ride is coming (that is, my siblings), it's some time tomorrow. And the other half of my family certainly isn't coming back so soon. So, that means I can get up when I want, eat what and when I want, basically, do whatever I want to do. Not even "...within reason", so much as "within physical possibility". Of course, that doesn't mean I actually would. I'm not the type of person to, say, invite friends over for a surprise party at my house, secret, to not be heard of at all. For many, many reasons. But that gives you the kind of idea for what I could do. ...Disadvantage to being alone? There's only so many ways I can dodge an attention-depraved kitty who was left behind, and now has no fellow cat to pester, no dog to terrify, no human lady to annoy, and no feet other than my own to rub. So while I've gotten rather good at speedy, stealthy moves around the house as to minimize interaction, he still traps me from time to time. I've also got some skill in creating distractions: putting food in his bowl, even though he has food elsewhere. Laying out boxes for him to rest in, even though he rests everywhere. That sort of thing. It's still something that I do have to tolerate when I move away from the computer though! |
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