I think it's a neat song. Wish I could make something of it.
I realize that most people come into my archive and see these things and wish that vocaroo hadn't deleted them. But all the same, for those who check frequently enough to read...you get the pleasure of hearing an approximation of what Villain Song has the potential to be.
...Of course. I botched some parts. I also am, as I said, basically tone-deaf, with a limited vocal range. I cannot carry the song. I cannot place the emphasis quite in the appropriate spots, and I cannot give you the accompanying music. So there's really not much of anything in there that is the full thing. But it at least gives you at least some vague idea of where I was going.
I think it's a neat song. Wish I could make something of it.
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At least, the song that I wrote today said as much.
On a whim, when the mood struck me, I wrote a song. Even have a tune in mind, probably plagiarizing from existing Disney songs, but this is a song meant to be in their style, with flashy visuals and a building narrative as things go on (in this case, a villain bringing goons out of hiding to serve him), and it was a BLAST to write. Working name, "Villain Song", since I think it appropriate. I really want to sing this myself (though I imagine I'll butcher it), but until such a time as I can do so, the text version will have to suffice. It goes like this: I've had ENOUGH of playing nice. I am a creature FULL of vice. It's time for change, I'll tell you now! Don't you doubt, I'll tell you how! Compassion. Ignorance! Those fools! They think those things are their tools! It's let us thrive in the dark. Come out and fight, we'll go far! This is my great villain song Come on in and sing along! Vile! Evil! Mighty! Strong. I won't stop 'til heroes are gone! Worship me, as your GOD! This is my great villain song! I am DONE with laying low. I tell you all it's time to go! Follow me, witness my vision! I will teach you all ambition! Charisma. Smartness! I have will! There's no reason to doubt me still! We're on the verge of our day. Heroes will learn they overdid their stay! This is my great villain song Come on in and sing along! Vile! Evil! Mighty! Strong. I won't stop 'til heroes are gone! Worship me, as your GOD! This is my great villain song! This is my great villain song Come on in and sing along! Vile! Evil! Mighty! Strong. I won't stop 'til heroes are gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooone~! If I did my job right as a songwriter, you can TOTALLY see that as a Disneyesque song, filled with hamtastic gesturing on the part of the singer. Bonus points: I avoid using words like 'kill', 'die', or even 'hell' in here, which kid songs tend to try and not use. I really think it fits as an appropriate song. Well...making the aforementioned follow-through. Am I well? No. Not well. I don't see how, short of actually living my life without the lie, short of me being openly a girl rather than behind a closet, I could ever be well. But am I at least okay...well, maybe.
After work today, I went to a writing event. Everyone was focusing on writing, thus the name, writing event. This being after work, mind you, I didn't have a laptop with the flashdrive I'm writing my novel on. They had wifi though, so I got to practice for the very first time in my life...the art of phoneposting! Believe it or not, I got a full day's worth of writing done in a couple of hours, albeit at a slightly different point in my novel than I was working on. ...Oh. And when I say "a day's worth of writing done". What I'm saying is my daily average done. That being...400 words. Given that I've been averaging less than 400 words a day on my computer, and given I got over 400 words done in a couple of hours using my phone (it's actually not as hard as people make it out to be, dunno why people complain about phoneposting so much), that's actually stellar progress. (It might actually be 500, when you include some post-production edits. Which I know, are frowned upon, but eh.) I probably could have done more, but I was afraid if I stayed too long, I wouldn't be able to drive home safely, as I was feeling a little bit tired by 3. Still, though! I socialized with others, for what little talking we did. And I think that environment (it was a book store) is VERY conductive to writing! It helped I could also use my internet name there, though only awkwardly. (This is my profile.) It helped me a lot, and I do feel much better because of it. Still...uneasy, unsettled, though. I'll live. Through the worst of it. Now it's back to the minor levels of dysphoria I experience every day, rather than the major panic attack that was earlier. Soyeah. As promised...no need to worry about me. Still not great, but enough to get by. At least, not so far as of this writing. I'm writing at work, y'see. Now, I can't go into details--GOD I wish I could--but there are multiple reasons for this. However, only one of the things which happened is something I can discuss freely, and even then only by omitting stuff.
And basically...my hands are still trembling from a panic attack I had. This was the strongest feeling of dysphoria I've ever felt, ever. I'm having trouble breathing properly. The trigger was innocent enough a situation. Normal for work...but not for a transwoman like me, who has intense feelings of being unsafe. I'm almost crying. I'm not okay. I'm really not okay. It's to the point where I couldn't even write my legal name, even though there was a document I needed to do so on. (I got around that by, in supper-small, extra-light lettering, writing the 'na' extra, so it's invisible on the document but satisfies my need--absolute NEED--to hear, to write, my true name.) I'll probably need to make a follow-through blog post after this one if I recover, to let you know you don't have to worry. But that's a rather large 'if'. I'm rattled right now. Upset. This...is just something ready to explode out of me. I am Bree. I need to hear that. A LOT. More than ever before. The ideal truth is not things as they were, or even things as they are. The ideal truth is things as we want them to be.
Ideal truths are different from absolute truths, in that ideal truths are truths we recognize as not being entirely true...yet. But we want to work towards making them true. Progress will never come from assuming you are right and/or assuming someone else is wrong. Progress comes from assuming you might be wrong, and figuring out how you can fix that. Because the only actions we can truly control are our own. We cannot dictate those of everyone else. We cannot make them do anything, even if we think them doing something would be good. So what we can do, is personally make sure our actions are the best they can be, in pursuit of our ideal truth. Because we all hold ideal truths. Most of us, more or less, hold the same ideal truths, even! If we actually were to focus on the part which mattered, the pursuit of that ideal truth as individuals, then we might actually make progress. But by trying to shift responsibility onto someone else, by trying to make it "not my problem", by trying to make it "your fault", we lose sight of that. And everyone is guilty of that, to at least some extent. I know I am, especially the "not my problem" part. Anyone who claims they aren't guilty of it is, by the way, inherently proving they are, because by saying, "I swear there's no possible way I'm guilty!", you are by definition saying, "I swear that it's the fault of someone else!". Shifting responsibility. Shifting blame. And it's true, that in me writing this. I am in fact guilty of the same exact sin. Because by saying, "everyone, including you, is guilty", I am placing fault on people outside of myself, shifting at least some blame onto them. I'm not going to make an excuse for that, though. I'm going to own up to it. I'm selfish enough to not be selfless enough to try and fix everything I could. The ideal truth of the world is something I would love to see, but I am actively guilty of not pursuing it the vast majority of my day. But beyond that, I leave conclusions up to you, since I think it only fair to. If my philosophy holds any ground in reality, then just as it is my job to assess me, it is your place (not mine) to assess you. The only person who should be allowed to judge a person is that person themselves, and all that. Personally, while I kinda like this philosophy, inherent in it I gotta admit is a bit of smugness bordering on hypocrisy, but I like to think it at least has a good goal in mind: try to be the best person you can be, because the best world we all want is one where more people act that way, more or less. Was sick, then wasn't.
Then was, and now am not. Gets a little tiring after a while, but oh well. There was something I was going to talk about, a bit of a follow-through on yesterday, but ultimately, I felt like it was too much of a rehash. Most of the newer material I forgot, while remembering the older material which was already there thanks to yesterday. What I did do, though, is make a blog on my professional blog which was, essentially, a professional, non-crazy version of what I said yesterday, and that was something which I had wanted to do since Wednesday, meaning it predated my blog post on here, even. Other than that, not much, though in a recent blog post, I did mention something offhandedly that I feel could be worth more attention. For all of October, it completely slipped my mind (hey, to be fair, I had a lot on my plate), but...October 23rd or so, 2014 was when I started my blog. Meaning, that same day on 2016 represented my two-year anniversary of (almost) daily blogging. Between the days I accidentally miss, and the days where I double or even triple posted (if not more), that puts things at...well, at least 730 entries, probably closer to 800 posts by me. I'd count, but as far as I know there's no way to do that except for manually. Who'da thought? me, the poster child for starting ambitious projects and then abandoning them midway through, managing to keep a blog running for a full two years! That's no small victory on my end. That's a huge milestone of commitment on my part. I said I wanted to do a daily blog, but I was expecting it to fail like so many of my efforts before. All Too Human, my current blog, what you are reading now was certainly not my first attempt at thought recording. It wasn't even my first attempt at daily recording, either! Some time, I should track down my various notebooks I've held throughout the years which would have entries on a daily basis, giving an insight into my life at critical times. I had one in my earlier college days, pre-blog here. I had one in my high school days. Maybe two. Maybe even three! I may have had one in my middle school days as well. The point I'm making is...when I started this blog, I wasn't expecting it to be anything better than what I had done before: maintained for a short while, before inevitably, failing some point down the line. And, hey. Who knows. I could always cease blogging at some indeterminable point in the future. This blog has no set end date. Rather the opposite, it's meant to keep going as long as humanly possible. But the fact remains, while keeping this going for this long was my objective...I never thought I'd actually make it there! So I'm ever hopeful for what the future has in store for me. I am capable of doing much. I spoke too soon about yesterday.
Today I woke up with the second- or even actual-worse coughing fit yet. It's lessened, now, but when I do cough, it's a worse cough than my original cough. Blast. Oh well. I'll continue to try some unconventional therapy. I mainly came here to blog about something I was inspired to write about. I read an article (well, skimmed, really), and I couldn't help but think that the main thing that article was about is...the subject of truth. And if you're feeling as philosophical as I am, have this for a quote. There is no such thing as an absolute truth. Only the truth as we perceive it to be. The only true truth is that truth is relative. This might seem a bit cynical. But it's true. Throughout history, time and time again, this has been shown to be the case. It is practically hardwired into the human condition. Have you heard the expression, "History is written by the victors."? Yeah, guess why that expression exists. It is because the victors get to record their version of the "truth". It was the absolute truth to people at a time that the world must be made up of four elements. It was the absolute truth to people at a time that we had an earth-centric universe. It was an absolute truth to, say, the Roman people that those outside of their civilization were savages. It was an absolute truth to history that the fall of the Roman Empire was the "fall of civilization". It was an absolute truth to Christians that their holy wars were to reclaim the sacred lands from the savages. It was an absolute truth to their opposing side that their peaceful, prosperous, philosophical selves were forced to fight back against barbarian looters, more or less. It was an absolute truth that the New World was ripe for the taking. It was an absolute truth that the denizens of the land were less than human. It was an absolute truth that slaves were less than human. We hold as an absolute truth that people believed the world was flat. We hold as an absolute truth things such as "primitive" cultures seeing "advanced" cultures as being gods. We hold as an absolute truth that civilizations which held religion believed every single word of said religion. We hold, as an extent of these beliefs, the absolute truth of an idea that those who came before us fundamentally thought of things differently than we do. So we hold the absolute truth that "we are better than they were". (I'm mostly getting at things like, humans are fundamentally storytellers. We like to tell fictional stories and embellish the truth about real ones. We also like to create explanations for phenomena, so we combine those two. That doesn't mean literally everyone believed them, or even believed most of them. It just means that enough people told the stories that we got them recorded, and yet, to us, we foolishly believe everyone took those to be true. It'd be like a person from 3,000 AD looking at OUR society and thinking "everyone in that age believed in a single God and took the Bible literally", and them laughing at the foolishness of us primitives.) Some people hold as an absolute truth the literal words of religious texts, thinking they are meant to be followed to the actual letter. Some people hold as an absolute truth that these religious texts are actually literally the Word from God Himself. Some people hold as an absolute truth that God absolutely demands they do certain actions. Some people hold as an absolute truth that science is perfect and that we know basically everything and it should be followed instead. I could go on all day about these absolute truths that people believe in. Some people believe in the absolute truth of their facts. Some people believe in the absolute truth of the other side's facts. Some people believe in the absolute truth that facts are easily manipulated. You get the idea. The point I make should be evident enough from this all. None of those are actual, true, absolute truths. What they are, are relative truths. They are truth, as perceived by an individual. To that individual, it is the truth. To that individual, that is how the world was, and how the world is. To that individual, they cannot fathom how someone can cling to the falsehood which is the stance in opposition to their own, because they have all this evidence, all this proof, which backs up, which verifies, which vilifies their truth, so how could any sane, any rational, person see things in a different way? And what they fail to grasp is that the other side holds those same exact views on their own personal, perceived, relative truth. So the truth is subjective. The truth is in the eye of the beholder. Nothing in this world, absolutely nothing, can be called a truly absolute truth. Because things happen in our world. Yet how those things are seen is different to each of us. This actually ties into my meism, believe it or not. It's been a while since I've talked about my personal religion (it's weird--new readers of my blog, I'm afraid I can't sum it up so you'd just have to search through my archives manually since there are bits and pieces spanning the two years I've been running this blog), but the last time I did, I think I briefly covered this. The reason I call it my meism is because it is a belief system centric to me. It is my personal belief, my personal outlook on all aspects of the world, taking from religion, science, history, even fictional stories, to paint a picture of our world as I perceive it to be. In other words: my personal truth. More or less, my belief there is that perception is power, in that how we perceive the world is how we shape it to be. In a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, to some extent we can warp reality, be it in our favor or to our detriment. The multiverse is an infinitely-expanding tree, with new branches forming every minuscule millisecond. We get to shape, to influence, which paths our tree grows on, and it is through that system of seeing the world through our differing beliefs which makes this possible. I really wish I could fully put together everything about my highly-complex, ever-evolving, seemingly-contradictory meism in one place, and also to fully explain the concepts in my head which are largely not given in-depth (especially since I don't actually know what I have, and haven't explained more often than not), but oh well. I suppose this was a sufficiently crazy ramble for today. Basically, the definition of truth is "what actually happened/is happening". But while events happen every millisecond of every day, these events exist both outside of human perception, and yet are defined by human perception. And because humanity has no way of universally seeing the outside of human perception, and human perception differs from individual to individual, we can never have anything which is truly an absolute truth. Simply...truths which we usually accept as being the truth. It actually worked!
I'm feeling much better today. I mean, the eight hours of sleep at an earlier time probably helped, too, but I'm basically sickness-free right now! See, something I used to do back when I got sick a lot is sing, because singing made me feel less sick. This was to tunes on the radio.
Today, I read that my medicine? Actually scientifically sound. I thought it was just a crazy thing I did, a superstition. But it's actually scientifically shown: singing, and trying to synchronize my singing to someone else more specifically, can actually make me sick for a shorter time period. So I'm gonna listen to music and sing whenever at all possible until the sickness goes away. I think it's doable. That statement could be applied to any myriad of different things right now, but for the moment, I think it applies to me being sick. I think I might actually be sick. Pseudosickness goes away after a day or two. Real sickness stays, and this sickness has stayed.
The annoying thing about it is...it hasn't gotten better or worse. It remains, exactly as it has been. I wake up. I feel something is in my respiratory system, everywhere from my lungs to my nose, so I know I'm still ill. And the periodic small, harmless cough comes about once every two minutes or so--if that often. It hasn't gotten worse. The cough isn't a bad one. The cough frequency hasn't increased. There's no runny nose beyond the normal family curse (as in, runny nose after eating that soon vanishes). No sore throat, though I can feel a clump in the throat where the gunk is at, stronger slightly than normal. (Because there's always gunk there. Always.) There's good reason I've been calling it the pseudosickness, and that's because if it were an actual sickness, I'd expect to feel...well, sick. And I don't. I feel healthy, just with the slight inconvenience of an occasional periodic cough. But it's not going away, and that's annoying me. Not much I can do about it, though. It was stupid of me to get into this condition. (As I said, pseudosickness leads to real sickness, and I get pseudosickness only after having stayed up ridiculously late, especially consecutively.) But I'm in it, and I can't exactly fix it. What I CAN do, though, is...write, maybe draw, but mostly write. So I'm going to be doing that soon enough. |
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