I came to the realization about five minutes ago that it could be simply said of me.
I need help. I desperately need help. What I need help for, not sure exactly, best answer I can really think of is "everything", I need help on everything.
But I don't want help. Help would, objectively, be good for me. But I refuse it, I reject it, I resist it at every turn. I turn it down, I lie and say I don't need it, I decline offers, I make excuses, I just. I make every reason to say I don't. When given ways I could be helped I make justifications for not doing them, I procrastinate on the few things I could do.
I just refuse to let myself be helped.
I need help.
I really think I do.
But how can I get help.
When I actively refuse the help.
How can someone help me, when I am actively refusing their help, their offers?
They can't help me because I don't want to be helped.
No matter how much I need the help.
And that realization just makes me feel a whole lot worse about myself because a huge part of the problem is me. All it'd take to have a chance at a better life is to want it, so that when someone offered it to me I'd take the offer.
Yet I refuse.
Adamantly, vehemently refuse.
So what does that make me?
It makes me trash.
Trash that actively seeks out this pit of rot to fester in. Forever, probably, because I don't even want to help myself.
Well, I do.
But not enough to take it into my grasp.
Instead.
I am spending time.
Playing Minecraft.
Building a hopefully-simple Civ 3 mod that would allow me to play Civ 3 as an addiction.
Playing League and Teamfight Tactics which as of today got an update (I should blog about that, too--short version, dark stars and star guardians got nerfed...which I am happy about because I love star guardian sorcerers as a comp and even nerfs to it won't keep me from running it but the nerfs will hopefully dissuade others from trying to steal the comps from me and thus I should have an easier time establishing a monopoly on the comp).
And as of yesterday.
Playing Epic Battle Fantasy 5.
Which, mind you, is a good addiction to have.
Right now I am trying to grind the money to buy the equipment from the first shop (the...only shop I've progressed to, that screen is as far as I've gone), and to upgrade it all to the maximum level available with the crafting-items available from the repeatable enemies plus any needed from the first crafting-items shop (the steel plates are a bit painful to farm for, given their pricey 1.4k gold tag, but I think I've upgraded all the equipment that uses them).
I am so absurdly overleveled and overpowered that Matt's aoe attack that hits all foes one-shots literally everything.
There is a slight downside to this though.
While I caught almost every enemy in the repeating zone (gotta catch them all, apparently!), for the life of me I cannot capture the water slime because it'll always escape and literally none of my attacks are weak enough to not instakill it. OH WELL.
That might seem like a grind; it is, but it's also still fun, especially when I can do other things concurrently to it. Multitasking rather than tasking to it exclusively is big.
Butyeah.
That's my life now.
Not terrible, I'll admit, it's just.
It's not great.
I need help. I desperately need help. What I need help for, not sure exactly, best answer I can really think of is "everything", I need help on everything.
But I don't want help. Help would, objectively, be good for me. But I refuse it, I reject it, I resist it at every turn. I turn it down, I lie and say I don't need it, I decline offers, I make excuses, I just. I make every reason to say I don't. When given ways I could be helped I make justifications for not doing them, I procrastinate on the few things I could do.
I just refuse to let myself be helped.
I need help.
I really think I do.
But how can I get help.
When I actively refuse the help.
How can someone help me, when I am actively refusing their help, their offers?
They can't help me because I don't want to be helped.
No matter how much I need the help.
And that realization just makes me feel a whole lot worse about myself because a huge part of the problem is me. All it'd take to have a chance at a better life is to want it, so that when someone offered it to me I'd take the offer.
Yet I refuse.
Adamantly, vehemently refuse.
So what does that make me?
It makes me trash.
Trash that actively seeks out this pit of rot to fester in. Forever, probably, because I don't even want to help myself.
Well, I do.
But not enough to take it into my grasp.
Instead.
I am spending time.
Playing Minecraft.
Building a hopefully-simple Civ 3 mod that would allow me to play Civ 3 as an addiction.
Playing League and Teamfight Tactics which as of today got an update (I should blog about that, too--short version, dark stars and star guardians got nerfed...which I am happy about because I love star guardian sorcerers as a comp and even nerfs to it won't keep me from running it but the nerfs will hopefully dissuade others from trying to steal the comps from me and thus I should have an easier time establishing a monopoly on the comp).
And as of yesterday.
Playing Epic Battle Fantasy 5.
Which, mind you, is a good addiction to have.
Right now I am trying to grind the money to buy the equipment from the first shop (the...only shop I've progressed to, that screen is as far as I've gone), and to upgrade it all to the maximum level available with the crafting-items available from the repeatable enemies plus any needed from the first crafting-items shop (the steel plates are a bit painful to farm for, given their pricey 1.4k gold tag, but I think I've upgraded all the equipment that uses them).
I am so absurdly overleveled and overpowered that Matt's aoe attack that hits all foes one-shots literally everything.
There is a slight downside to this though.
While I caught almost every enemy in the repeating zone (gotta catch them all, apparently!), for the life of me I cannot capture the water slime because it'll always escape and literally none of my attacks are weak enough to not instakill it. OH WELL.
That might seem like a grind; it is, but it's also still fun, especially when I can do other things concurrently to it. Multitasking rather than tasking to it exclusively is big.
Butyeah.
That's my life now.
Not terrible, I'll admit, it's just.
It's not great.
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