I do think I need to express it, I just hate that no matter how hard I try I probably won't be able to express it in a way that's fair and contains no biased language, in a way that is objective and in that objectivity contains unambiguous language not open to interpretation. To put it another way, I'm terrified that in writing this, I could come off as being a bitch, or portray the other person I am going to be talking about as one, and I don't want either of those outcomes.
I'm not really sure where to start with this, but I guess I can get to the point.
My girlfriend and I were dating for two years, six months, and fourteen days. (Basically half the length of this blog--my blog celebrated five years in October.)
Were.
But as of last night, we've broken up.
This is not something easy to explain, to voice to others, but I will try my best.
My former-girlfriend (I won't use the term ex-girlfriend because ex-girlfriend seems to imply a level of resentment which is absent) does love me, and I deeply, deeply love them. We both know this. But the talk leading to the eventual breakup is a result of my former-girlfriend coming to the realization that there is someone else that they love much much much much more than they could ever love me.
In some regards, this wasn't new news. I knew from very early on that they loved this person and that the love for that person was deeper than their love for me would ever be--but they realized yesterday just how...overwhelmingly, overpoweringly, the difference between the loves is, basically.
They didn't think that was fair to me, and much as I would love to have argued otherwise, because I love them deeply, as deeply as they love that other person, they're probably right, that it wouldn't be fair to me. It sucks. It really. fucking. sucks. It hurts. I've never had this bad of a heartache, a pain in my chest, from just pure sheer heartbreak. It's made me absolutely miserable.
But basically--they're right. It's not fair for me to be someone they settle for. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. We both deserve better than that, for them to have me because of giving up on the stronger love. That would be disingenuous, in the mindset of, more or less, "I can learn to change me feelings!".
Except, no. Feelings can't change, no matter how much we wish they could, and we both know that. They have this overwhelmingly strong love for this other person--a person who is not me. Those feelings won't go away, won't change with time, won't fade. They might love me, but their love for this other person is just on a whole different level where staying with me rather than them would...well, not be honest with themselves.
We both are a bit selfish though--we want to keep each other in each other's lives, even if we aren't girlfriends anymore. Obviously, such hopes and desires are somewhat fleeting; these are promises that traditionally usually aren't kept. But I'll try, dammit. I don't want to lose them. If they did want to break contact with me, or if they naturally drifted away from me...it would hurt me even more, but I would let it happen because above all else I want them to be happy. I couldn't in good faith say I love someone if I didn't inherently want them to above all else be happy.
And if me being in their life, even if not their girlfriend, makes them happier, then that's good. If them pursuing this other person is the thing which can give them the greatest happiness, even better. If they eventually need to distance themselves from me...it would really really suck, but for the sake of their happiness, I would oblige.
So instead of girlfriends dating we'll be friends hanging out, unless they tell me otherwise. And as needed, establish boundaries for what is and isn't okay. A different type of relationship, but one which still works on the same fundamental principles of any given relationship; requiring trust on both ends and boundaries and rules and a contract of sorts for what is and isn't okay.
To some extent, I've been prepared for this, with the outcome of keeping them in my life being the best possible one of the scenarios I prepared for this situation if it arose.
I should preface that.
Because I know someone would be curious with a question along the lines of "Why would you be prepared for this instance specifically?" And have all sorts of thoughts about how it must imply something of the relationship or somethingoranother like that.
You're barking up the wronnnnnng tree there, mate.
I prepare for every scenario. I prepare for impossible scenarios. What if I were bitten by a zombie? What if I woke up one day and had magical powers? What if I were suddenly introduced into the supernatural world of e.g. vampires, werewolves? I prepare for improbable scenarios. What if we had an eternal winter? What if I suddenly went blind one day? What if I suddenly went deaf one day? What if I suddenly became paraplegic?
What if I suddenly developed anterograde amnesia? (The amnesia where you can't develop new memories.) Fun fact about that one--this blog started as a direct result of that prepared scenario, where my thought was, "If I can't develop new memories, I would record them for them to not be lost by the next day". And from that thought, I spawned the idea of "why not get a head start and do that anyway?". That's the whole reason this is meant to be a DAILY blog. It was always meant to be for every single day, specifically to address that incredibly improbable happenstance.
I prepare for possible, but degree unknown, scenarios. What if I was kicked out of my house by my dad?
I prepare for inevitable, but date uncertain, scenarios. What if one of my pets died? What if one of my family members died?
So when I say I prepared for "my girlfriend doesn't love me as much as they love someone else", the type of preparation I am talking about is the type I mentioned above. Hypotheticals, not based on any reality, but based on me just randomly thinking about every single possible occurrence in the future, most of them negative, just to see how I would act, how I would prepare, how I would respond to them, so that if they did happen I could be more steeled to handle them responsibly, maturely, and so on and so forth.
And among those hypotheticals was this. Not exactly this, but something close enough to draw from the hypothetical I had thought of before. It is probably why I was able to actually form words yesterday to my former-girlfriend instead of just being silent the entire time. Like, I legit think that if I had never had the hypothetical scenario to draw upon, then my response yesterday rather than being what it was, would've just been...nothingness.
That or something worse than nothingness, using language that would've hurt them. I was emotionally compromised yesterday. I am still emotionally compromised. I am reeling in pain. When you are emotionally compromised, in such strong emotional pain, it is ridiculously easy to lash out instinctively. I've done it before, so I know I could do it again, and that could have happened yesterday. Fortunately for us both, it didn't.
So I'd say that the preparation helped me cope...
...A little.
But I am still very much Not Okay right now. How could I be okay? I know that my former-girlfriend loves me and I deeply love my former-girlfriend, and now we won't be together in that intimate way. Every future I had ever envisioned with them in it has fallen apart--which is 97.5% or so of all the futures I've envisioned for the last few years. The future may still have them in it, but even if I am fortunate enough for that to be so, said future wouldn't be any of the futures that I was dreaming of, that I was hoping for, that I wanted, desperately, more than anything, to see come true.
And I'm not going to lie.
I don't know what I'm living for anymore.
That's not to say I'm suicidal. And so far I've managed to survive. I went to work today. I've been doing my duties okay. I just...can't think of a reason for why I am alive. Even on the darkest of days, before, I had the knowledge that if for no other reason, I was alive because there was someone special in my life that I had every reason to live for. But while that isn't gone altogether and will remain not gone as long as we keep up the intention of remaining in contact, of continuing to hang out, of continuing to talk...
...There's a big difference between having the giddiness, the thrill, of living with the hope of maybe one day living with the love of your life.
And the knowledge of living knowing that the love of your life will never have you as the love of their life. The knowledge that you're lucky to even still have them in your life at all, and the massive uncertainty to what that entails. Before there was the hope of, among other things, eventually meeting. The question wasn't if we would meet; it was when. Now that hope is gone, replaced with the uncertainty of the 'if' we can meet, and if we can, if we should.
It really.
really.
sucks.
But again. Nothing I can do or say will change the way they really feel. Nothing I feel will change the way they really feel. Nothing they could do or say would change the way they really feel. They feel the way they feel. And no matter how much I wish those feelings were different--they aren't.
I'll live.
I honestly don't know how I will.
But somehow, I will live.
I just...am in a period of, I suppose...grieving.
There's ways to soften the blow.
Writing half a song today (which I probably will never post).
The hope of continuing to spend time together with them.
Airing the thoughts out in some format, even if the format I am doing it in isn't optimal.
That doesn't mean it isn't any less of a blow.
For the last two days, I have wanted nothing more than to cry my heart out. But for whatever quirk in my genetics. Maybe it's autism. Maybe it's something else. Who the heck knows. It's not nurture, it's not cultural resistance to it, it is actual. physical. incapability to muster it. I can't cry.
But I am tearing up inside. Both definitions of 'tear'. I wish I could cry on the outside as much as I am inside. That I don't have a stone face that maybe has a frown but otherwise has no real visible signs of my emotions. Because I need to cry now. I need to cry. Crying would help me so much. Crying is a time-tested proven coping mechanism. One to help the heart like nothing else.
And yet it is the one thing which for the vast majority of my life has been denied to me.
Even though I really need it now.
There is no greater pain than this.