I still kinda sorta made some anyway. Like. Not anything overly ambitious. Just...small things. Actually get my board game running as a game. (I actually refined that war game which was inspired by chess such that it might actually be playable by others! Now I just have to summon up the courage to post it, which...is kinda difficult.) Actually continue Red Hood Rider. (Well, first step, actually find my mouse, which wouldn't be too terribly difficult a task since there's only two bags it could be in.)
Get up to date on ComicFury stuff. (I'm a month behind.) As much as is possible, at least. (There's an official unofficial official two-week-or-so limit on threads, except those that are relevant regardless of time.) Get into better hygeinic habits. Get back on track for job searching. Nothing which, in of itself, is too terribly ambitious.
These are things I want to do.
But inertia is a harsh mistress. I'm struggling to find the willpower to actually do these things. Right now, I can tell you that basically, I feel like I've been depressed for two whole months, and then some. Like...the last time I thought I wasn't depressed was midway through October. Everything since then has, in some way or another, felt like it was influenced by my depression, and not in a good way.
I just feel kinda stuck, with no way out. Rather...more accurately. I feel stuck, and there are ways out. But in spite of me having every reason to seek those ways out. Some sort of fear. Some sort of urge. Is keeping me back. It's as if those ways out represent the rest of my life, and a huge part of me doesn't actually want to pursue that. And there's nothing behind there. No rational reason why I can't go forward. In fact, every rational reason tells me I SHOULD. And yet, I'm...not.
It's like there's a grand call saying, "Hey. You need to get your life together. You can't live this way. You can't. It's not good, in any way shape or form. It's going to destroy you." And I'm like...yeah, I get that. I see it. I understand it. And acknowledge it. I know about it. Yet in spite of knowing and understanding exactly what's there...I still lack the strength to actually move, because there's some invisible self-imposed barrier, some sort of mixture of fear and some other primal force I can't rationally identify because it is made of irrationality, which holds me back, keeps me down here, because it's, I dunno...just satisfied with me staying down here to rot.
It's...I suppose. Well, remember how I just talked about concepts? How I think in them? There's some concept which is keeping me where I am, and I don't have the ability to translate it into words. It is some formless entity which says, more or less, "Don't bother trying. You can't do this by yourself. And don't bother reaching out to others who could help. It's a false hope, because while they have every intention of helping you, you lack the conviction necessary to let them help you."
That might sound worse than it really is, but like I said I can't properly convey the concept in words. I of course do have the counter-concept, which I rationally understand, which I can translate fully. "I need to try, because if I don't, then things will only get worse. I might not be able to do this by myself, but if nobody else helps me, I need to help myself. And there is this effort by others to help me, all I need to do is accept it."
But for some reason, the former is stronger than the latter. Basically, it's like I not only feel like I need help, but also that I need that help thrust upon me. Not just offered. Forced. And yet even then I'm not sure--just because an offer of help is forced upon me doesn't mean I don't have the power to reject it. And I'm deathly afraid right now that I could maybe do exactly that, reject even a forced help.
Because right now. Well, a "forced help" is basically a "last resort of hope". I can hope things get better on their own. I can hope I have the strength to improve my life on my own. I can hope that even if I can't do it alone, that I am capable of using the help others offer to get on firmer footing. Yet if all of those fail. If things continue as they are and/or get worse. If I lack the willpower to get better by myself. If I am overcome and can't get myself to the zone where I accept offers of help. That would be my absolute last hope of last hopes: having help forced upon me. If I have help thrust upon me, then there would be the hope of improvement.
And right now I'm kind-of scared that I would resist that, that I'd push back, that I'd try to reject even the forced help, even though the result would be destroying what little semblance of a life I have left. Basically, it's a bit of a divide between myself and others, if that makes sense. I'm afraid the only possible way for my life to improve would be for the quality of others' lives to decrease. That they would encounter an unfair, undeserved amount of pain and suffering to fight for someone who couldn't possibly be able to return the debt in full.
I guess, in a sense. That would be the divide between my selfishness and my selflessness, manifested. I've talked about this recently in private, though I don't remember how much I've blogged about it. It's definitely present in some obscure corners of the blog, but probably not in full, not as in-depth as it could be.
Basically, there's the two sides of me, ever divided. The split in my personalities is even partially defined by it: how I compartmentalize my life is based at least partially upon the separation between being selfish and being selfless. That's the most succinct way of putting it.
And the issue at hand, here...is that my selfless side, the side that makes up the majority of me, wants to continue helping others. The selfless side of me is not self-sufficient. It is even destructive. It is what makes up the majority of me. It is strong. It has pull. But it is also unable to live when I am living an unbalanced life. When I have screwed things up, my selfless side suffers, because it cannot continue to help others as it so desires.
It is the side of me that is creative. It is the side of me which is empathetic. It is the side of me which is philosophical. It is the side of me which cares about everyone. And it is also the side of me which is the majority of my problems manifested. Because it wants to keep on giving...and giving...and giving. Time, effort, everything. That there's nothing left to sustain itself. That it collapses on itself, unable to maintain the lifestyle it has built, because she is not capable of being everywhere at once that she wishes to be. I dream of it plenty. I wish of it every day, that I could be in every place I desire. Yet while those thoughts are born of selflessness, they weigh me down.
And this side of me is the side of me which wants to reject help, because in spite of recognizing she needs her selfishness in order to survive, she also knows that there is an increase in the pain and suffering of others when she becomes selfish. And she doesn't want to see that pain and suffering in others, so she takes the pain and suffering into herself. She hurts. She cries. She weakens herself deliberately, because she would rather feel the pain than know others are feeling the pain.
She hurts, because she cannot help others as she used to be able to, thanks to this destructive power. Yet because of the fear of hurting others through action rather than the far less overall harmful hurting others through inaction (basically, it hurts others a little when she is unable to offer them help, but it hurts others a LOT when through her actions she causes them harm), she does nothing to help herself.
And then there's the far smaller, selfish side of me. This is the side of me that I'm seeing more and more in my active thoughts. My selfless side is still there, subconsciously. And I think she might be the concept blocking progress, the thought I cannot give form. She's in a lot of pain, so she isn't actively talking, actively thinking, so much as she is remaining in the back of my brain, always active and influencing me.
My selfless side, basically, is what I feel is controlling my life, even without actively being the one thinking consciously. Because I can tell you right here and now. The me that is talking? The me that is writing this blog post? It's the selfish side of me which is conscious. It is the selfish side of me doing the thoughts, being rational, who wants to control her life. The selfish side of me, the me that you see before you?
Yeah, I kind-of hate that I need this side of me (which of course means that I do in fact have a lot of self-loathing going on since the selfish side of me is the active thinking one right now), but all the same, I know that it's an absolute necessity.
The selfless side of me is not self-sufficient. It is not stable. It cannot keep a balanced life. For that, I need the restraint, the selfishness, of my side. The rational thinker, who is detached from others. The selfless side of me will detach from others, sure, but only out of a desire to protect them. The selfish side of me only seeks to detach from others when I see it as a sign that said others might be negatively influencing my life rather than positively. (Which is...almost never, by the way. If you see me seemingly distant from you, 99% of the time, it's because my selfless side is trying to protect you.)
The selfish side of me is incredibly self-conscious, of every aspect of my life. Because my selfish side is seeing what needs to be done in order to improve said life. My selfish side may not necessarily be objective, but is far moreso than my subjective feely selfless side. My selfish side is pragmatic. Practical. Logical, even.
My selfish side will exploit others for all their worth. My selfless side feels incredibly guilty about this, and will try to sabotage said efforts every step of the way. But my selfish side will put those feelings and lock them away, out of a need to keep myself alive. My selfish side recognizes that sometimes I need time to myself, but also is the side of me which forces me to maintain contact with others, because my selfish side doesn't care that this contact with others might hurt them; it is a necessity with me because I know I can't live without that contact. I know just how destructive withdrawing inside of myself can be. (Which my selfless side loves to do.)
My selfish side will know that I can't live in the moment like my selfless side so loves to do. My selfish side knows I need to plan things out, and stick to the schedule I have set, no matter the inconvenience, because my selfish side knows that if I let myself, I will let go and lose what little progress I have made. I'm not even quite sure selfish/selfless is the best words for these sides, because selfishness is often associated with shortsightedness in that a selfish person is usually seen as the type who would eat a marshmallow immediately even knowing that if they wait they'd get two instead of just the one. Yet for me, I choose those words because my selfish side is the side of me which is thinking purely in terms of "the action which is most beneficial to myself", whereas my selfless side is "the action which I most desire even knowing it isn't beneficial to me".
So with that, know that my selfish side is...not very strong.
She's strong enough to be talking to you, to the point of being the dominant speaking personality.
Yet behind the scenes, she's the weaker of the two.
Of course, people who interact with me may not think this to be true, even calling BS. They've seen me be incredibly selfish before, even self-centered. And it's true that there have, in fact, been times where I was so selfish that my selfishness, rather than my selflessness, was what was destructive. When I was in my teens, arrogant, there was a 1-2 year period where I only thought of myself, and using the traditional definition of selfish, this me who wasn't thinking of others did some serious harm.
Yet my selfless side emerged soon after, and the current dynamic formed. It instantly overpowered me, and was horrified, mortified, at the damage I had done. She vowed never again to let that happen to her. She resolved that she'd rather die than become that being again.
And ironically enough, she's succeeding at exactly that. Because while those who have interacted with me a little might see the selfishness in my actions...those who interact with me a lot (for instance...literally every single one of my blog readers is someone I'd call a close friend) know just exactly how darn unselfish I am. And they flat-out encourage me to be more selfish, even, because they care about me and on some level, know what I'm talking about here is true.
I know that to someone just casually looking, they'd assume arrogance in what I say. "You, so selfless that you can't help yourself? Pfft, pathetic bs." I am, after all. Extremely self-conscious about my own image. I know what people think about me, and why they would think what they do. But...it's true. The problem I'm having right now is that I lack the selfishness that would help be balance my life. Set boundaries.
I'm simply lacking in the strength I need. I don't deny that it's a little bit pathetic. But it is, in fact, the truth. When I started this blog post, I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what sort of thing I would think about. I certainly didn't think it would go down this tangent and reveal this aspect of me to the world.
But...now that it has. All I can do is stare at it and go. "Huh. Yeah. That's...that's actually true. That's really me. That's really the issue, or at least a large part of the issue. I hadn't thought of it in these terms before, but now that I have...I feel like I actually hold a much higher understanding of the thing." And, yeah. That's what is there. I swear I really do think that's the problem, or at least a huge part of the problem.
On a rational level, I know that "before you can help others, first you must help yourself". Time and time again, I've seen variants of this repeated over and over again. I know that to be true. My selfish side knows that it is needed, that it is a necessity to first take care of the self before others. But in spite of that. My selfless side is panicking. My selfless side is terrified that in helping myself, that by starving myself from what I want to do in order to do what I need to do, that I'll have lost things I don't want to, and maybe even hurt others even if it is through inaction.
I hope that makes sense. To some extent, I still feel like I'm trying to convey concepts which don't exist in the material world. I'd say, "don't worry about me", but for blog readers, I know that's a futile effort and that saying it would ironically be a fine way for them to start worrying more than they were before. But I will say this much: me saying all of this isn't a bad thing.
That, both sides of me--selfish and selfless--can agree on. Me talking about this, regardless of side, is nothing but a good thing. It's positive, it's honest, it's insightful, and it's something which not only can help me, but which also felt good to have said.