And this year.
There is ridiculously heavy snow.
Which is kinda annoying to be honest.
Our uninterruptable power supplies aren't actually working--right now, they're glorified outlets, serving as nothing other than precisely that, something to give multiple things needing power, power...so long as you have power. The second power goes out, even if it's for a split second...BAM. Everything dies. Computer, internet, everything. Not a single thing stays up.
And our generator isn't working (not that we have internet when we have no power anyway), so no generator, no UPS, means that when we have a power hit...everything goes down until we get power back. Meaning anything I am doing, better be automatically saved and not crucial because if it ain't automatically saved or if it is crucial...I be screwed.
Notably.
This does allow me to do stuff like watch people; this does allow me to play TFT. But it doesn't really allow me to play Minecraft; it doesn't really allow me to play League.
I can.
Can.
It's just incredibly risky, to the point where it's not something I really want to do unless I have teammates who know about it in advance and can cover for me if it does happen and I leave my team in a 4v5.
Now, admittedly.
Given that I play on Oceania's server.
Me having a sudden dc due to weather? I'll blend right in! Or so I imagine. Opposite extremes, quite literally, because I'm in a land of ice, Australia is a land of fire right now, but I imagine the effects would be similar when it comes to playing the game; high likelihood of getting sudden dcs.
Admittedly, I don't really know nearly as much about the fires in Australia as I should. My close friend is from Australia, their family lives in Australia, and I have multiple friends and associates who live in Australia. I know it is really, really bad, but...I don't know as much about it as I should, and I don't know what I'd realistically be able to do to help.
(I mean. I imagine there's donations to charity and the like. But I am notoriously stingy with my money; I know it makes no sense, but I usually just...I will give hundreds, even thousands, of dollars to a friend in need. They need not be a close friend. They need not have the expectation of paying me back. Anyone I call a friend, anyone, I would give hundreds, even thousands, of dollars to if they were in need of the money, with no expectation of them ever paying me back. Yet donating to a charity? Donating to a charity which would help the friend, which would have 100% of the money go to a good cause that I would love to support and I know is a good cause and I know the money will do good...for whatever reason, I just...am incredibly hesitant to do so. I guess it's more or less the difference between knowing the face of who I'm helping, versus helping an idea which has no true face, if I had to wager a reason.)
Like...should I better educate myself on it to know about it more? What would I actually do with that knowledge? Spread it to people who could have use of it, spread it to people who with it could help? The people who I know that could have use of the knowledge, are already more knowledgeable on the subject than I am; THEY could teach ME. So that'd leave the 'spread it to people who with the knowledge can help', but even there, I'm not sure what I could do.
I don't really feel comfortable asking people to, what, give money, for a cause especially when I myself am not contributing to it. So what would they be giving? Relief supplies, maybe? Similar story there; I'm not comfortable with asking them to give things I myself am not giving. So I just...don't know what I would do to help. Write to the government asking the government to help? As one of their constituents, contribute a well-thought-out plea for them to help?
Maybe, but I'm not sure how I could pull that off and I'm not sure who I could spread the word to that would want to do it and could, who hasn't already done it. (Basically, the people with the skills to do it and will to do it that I know, have already informed themselves better than I am.)
In that sense, I just don't really have any idea of what I could do to help and I feel really guilty about it but like.
I don't really know what I could do.
But I digress.
I'm also having the obvious heavy depression. There's not much to say about that though. It's fairly self-explanatory. I feel worthless. I feel like I am a piece of trash. A failure, fraud. Someone who makes promise after promise.
And delivers on none of them.
I am just.
Objectively.
Terrible.
And it's very negatively impacting me.
Where, yes.
I have the thoughts of, "it might just be better if I wasn't around", because then people wouldn't have those false hopes about me. Then people wouldn't expect me to be any good, when I am demonstrably not. You could always go. "But Bree. Can't you just...decide to not be in those positions of responsibility?" Resign, step down, be forcefully removed, and so on?
Why yes.
I could.
And then I would lose what little hope I am holding onto.
I would lose one of the only things keeping me alive.
I don't really have a reason to live right now, but having duties, obligations, that I am bound to, helps to at least keep me floating by--losing those duties, losing those obligations, means I lose the things I am floating by on.
I would be way, way worse off if I lost them.
And yet every day I feel like I am losing them, specifically because.
I am failing at them.
And because I am failing at them.
I am at constant risk of losing them.
And what makes it worse.
Every day.
I have visions of my jobs as they could be.
And I have visions of my jobs as they should be--not as optimal as they could be, but at least realistically humanly achievable. Things that I have no reason to not achieve and then...I don't achieve them. For. no. good. reason.
I think about the job as it is most optimal, every day--but that daydream I have no delusions of becoming real. It's fictional, unrealistic, not something that I could ever achieve. It's worth striving for anyway, but I have no disappointment if I fail because I know that it's not possible in the first place.
But I also think about the job as it is most practical, every day--the job as it could realistically be done easily. There is literally nothing stopping that from becoming real because it's not unrealistic. It's easily doable, and easily achieved. And yet I don't do them. For no good reason. No excuse, no real reason for it.
When I inevitably fail to achieve that, how could I not feel disappointed in myself? It's fully possible, and easily so, for me to do the things. So why on earth do I not get them done, when I can easily get them done? There's no excuses, no justifications. I have no alternative answer.
Other than "I suck".
I just fail.
No reason I shouldn't have done it, yet I didn't do it.
What can that be.
Other than a problem with me?
You might think.
"Maybe your thoughts of 'this is pragmatic' is off and your pragmatic is still 'too perfect'?"
Except no.
It isn't.
I know what is too ambitious for me.
I might still try the too-ambitious anyway, but I'll hold no illusions of when it fails, of it being unrealistic.
I have a very good sense of what is basic minimum, versus what is absolute maximum.
And I am constantly, consistently, below the basic minimum.
And if you asked others who have or had the same job, they would agree. They would look at what I did versus what I am expected to do, and agree with my self-assessment of it being below the acceptable standards. That I am not performing to the expectation of my jobs.
If they said otherwise to my face.
They would be lying to try and comfort me.
Or maybe they would be delusional in legitimately thinking I'm okay, due to bias from liking me and thinking surely I couldn't fail and maybe them being highly self-critical of themselves. (Basically, there's a higher chance that they'll think I'm fine, if they are self-critical enough to think that they weren't doing what they should.)
But if they were to honestly assess me, in private, not to my face, talking to others in the business.
They would be forced to confess, to admit, to face the truth.
That I am not performing to the levels I should be.
I know that I have low self-assessment most of the time.
Where due to my ego I have high expectations of myself and due to this am largely self-critical when I fail to live up to my own self-hype.
But I know that if someone were to objectively rather than subjectively measure me and assess what I've been doing.
I objectively would not be living up to expectations and nothing they can do or say will change that objective truth.
And if I am not living up to expectations.
The only conclusion to draw from this is that I am failing.
And if I am failing at everything.
I feel like a failure.
How can I not?
I'd argue that if I am failing at everything, I should feel like a failure because if I'm failing at everything...I feel like I should feel like a failure because what do you call someone who's failing at everything? The best word for it would be failure.