I kinda woke up the first time today before noon. And then went to bed. I was cold. Still tired. Didn't want to get up. At 2:30, I forced myself to do so because I knew that there was stuff needing to be done, especially given that tonight's a family night.
It was...not done happily. I still kinda...just. Want to be in bed. And not do anything, except sleep. Right now, my dreams are really vivid and creative and innovative for the most part. I'm dreaming of wondrous scenarios, full stories. Sometimes, okay, often, with a little bit of a grim twist, and some infinite loops, but nothing which I am really bothered by. The most bothersome thing is when the realization kicks in that I'm dreaming, and instead of entering a lucid dreaming state, my body is jolted awake jarringly.
That feeling is actually painful. Physically painful, to be in a dream and then ripped out of it suddenly. The dream world vanishes. It disappears suddenly. I was fully immersed in it, deep-dreaming, and being torn out of it forcefully and entirely accidentally is not a pleasant experience.
Normally, when I realize I am dreaming (basically, it only takes so many loops, so many repeats, before the realization settles in that the little variations aren't happening organically), I can turn it lucid. I can direct the flow. "Okay. I'm dreaming. I was going along with the flow, but you just got caught in an infinite loop. Time to break it." Force the dream to progress, like a youtube video with a bad buffering setting being manually overridden such that instead of repeating a scene I move on.
That not happening, and instead me being shocked away, is especially bad when I wanted to be in the dream. I wanted to be dreaming. I might not have been happy it was lucid, but I was happy with the dream. And wanted it to continue. Not...be lost forever. When I exit a dream, it's nearly impossible to reenter that same dream. I can enter different dreams. This happens naturally during the night, where I dream 2-3 different things on average per night. If my sleep is disturbed, I can resume it easily enough. Yet the dream world is fragile, and shatters its scenario, forcing my subconscious to build an entirely new realm for me to explore.
I'm just...generally not really happy being awake right now. I know I need to be. But those dreams are appealing. And having even them denied to me is disheartening. I'm being forced to be awake when I don't want to be. Not just consciously, but subconsciously. It sucks.