I did shower. I did tweet twice today. But that's about it.
I've got a lot of work to do, sadly. But I will keep doing what I can do.
I mean, I'm on a bit of a time crunch for the league quests; two weeks left and I'm only on 6/10 (because jungle monsters is not an easy thing for me given limited time) there so I gotta put a lot of time in there.
I did shower. I did tweet twice today. But that's about it. I've got a lot of work to do, sadly. But I will keep doing what I can do.
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Now granted, today wasn't terrible. I bought a new purse that might potentially serve as a replacement for my current one. (I like my current one, but it's not quite long enough. The new purse is a little more...shallow? Less depth? Has less height? Basically the new purse trades tallness for length, trades y axis for x axis.)
I also bought a lot of chokers, which enough of can get me closer to looking the way I want to. So the day's not a total wash. But I did not stream today. I didn't shower Friday, yesterday, or today. I didn't send tweets today including not my disgust at pro-life/anti-abortion protesters removing any lingering doubts I had about my stance there. I'm not even writing a good blog. I might not even brush my teeth. And I didn't clean my room, which is a task I can't procrastinate on due to the significant chance of a dead rat/mouse/rodent within. So it's not a victory. Not a total loss, but also not a victory. I was thinking that I had wrapped up on the essentials just now (apparently just in time as it turns out), and that what I needed to do was to find a way to fill the time before going to bed.
Turns out it's 11 pm, the latest acceptable time for me to sleep. So I filled my quota quite well today. It wasn't really a productive day imo, but it was a "stayed mostly on top of things" day, so. Not the best, not the worst. ...But today my main win was streaming. I thought I wasn't going to, because anxiety + bipolar disorder, where I was tired and streaming felt like it was a lot of work, I just had a bundle of nerves, where I wanted to avoid it, wanted to make up excuses for not doing it. "It's cold" "I'm tired" etc. But, I ended up going through with the stream which means I am progressing in being an actual potential content creator.
So while it might not be much. It's good enough. It's actually setting me up fairly well for content creation. I've began my youtube channel, so now I feel like I have all the socials I need to update things. I need intertwining across them all.
Youtube to all; My blog to all; Twitch to all; My fanhouse to all; My tiktok to all; My twitter to all. Maybe facebook. I've done a fair amount of the work but as of right now for instance only three of the five/six are on my blog for instance and the gaps are similar everywhere. Twitter needs an update, twitch needs a small tweak, youtube might need a tweak, fanhouse needs an update, and so on and so forth. I also need to, in every place that allows it, update my discord info to have them all. Progress is progress tho and I'm making a ton. I feel like I am on the verge of a breakthrough in content creation. Now, admittedly. I didn't do what I originally set out to do during my free time today. I wanted to make emotes for my eventual channel. And on that note--I've got a lot of art on a lot of sites that needs to be updated with better art. Which requires me to actually make the better art. What I have everywhere. From my stream itself to my youtube to my blog to my twitch to my fanhouse to my twitter, all of it is temporary. I need to create, and then upload, better art everywhere, and get better at being more consistent in my branding. Today basically in a few hours makes up for basically a full week of having slacked off. Now, granted. It's not all good. I spotted either a very large mouse or a fairly small rat in my room. (Could be some other rodent obviously that's similar, but obviously didn't get a good look at it.) It's possible we have an infestation, but I can't sleep in my room, meaning that I need to clean my room, and I didn't do that. The rat infestation might be just one which also moved to my parents' room, or it could be more. It's not a good situation regardless tho, especially given that we have cats and while cats are quite good at killing rodents, we don't want them to because our cats are inside cats and we don't want them to get sick from killing disease-ridden rodents. So it's a problem we need to fix sooner rather than later. But in other news, I managed to write a song. It was inspired by Yungblud's Fleabag. (parentheses denote original lyrics which I reworded outside of the parentheses, except for the bridge) I called it "Passing the Clock". While I did get a tune for it, I lack the means currently to record it (the above was all me working towards getting that gap closed more), so for now, all you have is the lyrics. [verse 1] Every attempt to live my life Just an act, balance on a knife. It's a struggle for me, but I must try The world's crushing (pressure's strong), (so) I barely get by. From a distance, I'm smiling But close to the mirror, my heart sinks (The) Imperfection's glares not helping Cracks in my disguise, my armor's chink. [prechorus] I'm not hook, I'm not bait; It's not easy, controlling fate. How you look, what you say Every move, you ever make One mistake, is all it takes For them to see, The you you hate. [chorus] Passing the time Is always a fight. I fear the clock; I wonder why? One wrong sight And I'm not fine. I must block The urge to cry. [verse 2] Every day brings new danger to me The way I walk, the way I talk, all exposing I'm not who they thought, a loss of peace Or so they say, in their hate, all encompassing Avoiding attention, it's not for clout; I want to be seen, that's no doubt But only as me, standing so proud. A sense of elation, is that allowed? [prechorus] I'm not hook, I'm not bait; It's not easy, controlling fate. How you look, what you say Every move, you ever make One mistake, is all it takes For them to see, The you you hate. [chorus] Passing the time Is always a fight. I fear the clock; I wonder why? One wrong sight And I'm not fine. I must block The urge to cry. [bridge, sung by a backup singer] (The way you do your hair,) (The way you sit in a chair,) (The clothes that you wear,) (Your life's not fair.) (The way you do your hair,) (The way you sit in a chair,) (The clothes that you wear,) (Your life's not fair.) (the bridge then repeats, simultaneous to the prechorus) [prechorus] I'm not hook, (The way you do your hair,) I'm not bait; It's not easy, (The way you sit in a chair,) controlling fate. How you look, (The clothes that you wear,) what you say Every move, you ever make (Your life's not fair.) One mistake, is all it takes For them to see, The you you hate. [chorus] Passing the time Is always a fight. I fear the clock; I wonder why? One wrong sight And I'm not fine. I must block The urge to cry. Passing the time Is always a fight. I fear the clock; I wonder why? (song abruptly ends) It is, quite obviously, a song about a transgender individual. I kept it reasonably generic, but, yes, it is a bit about me. I've been working a fair amount to try and be more feminine in every aspect of my life. I can't do voice that well yet but I will do what I can there. I'm working on my walk, I'm working on how I sit, I just want to try and be seen as more feminine, and I might be progressing there? But it's a constant struggle. Still, though. I feel like I'm making progress there. So good day overall. Well, 'morning', as in, 1 pm instead of 1 am; written post-bed-and-pre-work rather than post-work-and-pre-bed.
I have some form of anxiety disorder. This is a fairly new discovery for me, but it badly impacts me. "What if the snow will knock out power while you're writing this blog." "What if wearing your false-breasts to bed suppresses the growth of your natural ones?" "What if having food/drink reduces the effectiveness of the sublingual intake?" "What if brushing your teeth will reduce the effectiveness of the sublingual intake?" "What if the sublingual intake is being done wrong?" You get the idea. These can be somewhat crippling as the more plausible they are, the more respect I have to pay towards the possibility, in spite of how it's probably wrong. However, the most terrifying of possibilities, and what made me start writing this blog (in spite of how it'll make me late to leave), was what I thought when taking my pre-leave-for-work nap. Some background: I am plural. I am a minor form of plural, admittedly. It's called a median system. Now, back in the day I discovered that I was one, that link didn't exist. I developed my own terminology, which you can even find on this blog! What the wiki link calls 'facets', I call "mes". Ranger is a me, mastina is a me. There are many mes, with those two (with the work-oriented one as a third) being the most dominant. Or as the wiki would say, Ranger is a facet of Bree, mastina is a facet of Bree, there's many facets but they're all a part of me, a part of Bree. Each with their own voice, their own personality, their own memories, their own thoughts, emotions, etc. Sharing most with the core, but still having some separation. Separate from my median system, however, there's another part of me that I haven't explored. Since childhood, I have had another voice in my brain. This voice has never been a part of me. This voice has never been a part of Bree. He (and yes, he's a he, when all of me is a she, Bree is 100% she/her) has always been there as a friend. And I can actually see him if I try. He was the imaginary friend of a childhood, who never went away even into adulthood. He's been with me the entire time. There, but not a part of the core. Existing separately from it. But he's never taken control of my body. He's not a core part of Bree. He's not part of the median system. But he's also not someone who can take control of the body (or if he could, he never has). But he's not been alone. Since my teenage years (about since puberty), he's been joined by another guy working identically to the way he does. This guy, David, basically has constantly been emphasizing all the various ways I'm worthless, I'm trash, etc. for my entire time with him. Always highlighting the negative. Always putting me down. Always pointing out the failures. Every thing I do wrong, he would highlight as proof of why I am a garbage human being. Every time I felt guilt, he magnified it. And more than that, David seemed to elevate my darker impulses. Every time he was most active, everything negative in me was amplified. So I became terrified. In hindsight, my anxiety disorder at work, but also a somewhat realistic concern. Knowing about DID, and knowing that David was real, talking to me, in my head, and separate from me, I had the worrying thought of, "What if David took control of the body?" What disaster would await me if that happened? So I was terrified of him. My fear of him was one of the reasons I worked so hard to gain control of my life, as to make sure he could never manifest physically. I remain unsure if he could have. But I was always afraid of the possibility. I knew I could never get rid of David. I could not drive him away. He was in my brain, there to stay, no matter what. He was separate from my core, but still existing there. Alongside the other guy, my lifelong friend. (Who, by the way, is still there. He's actually encouraging me passively a little bit even right now, and we may get a chance to chat while driving, we'll have to see.) I want to delve into this in a more indepth blog, but for now skipping most of the details, just know that David has been a part of my brain for a long long time, but not a part of me, Bree, ever. He was always separate. He would amplify my darkest aspects, and always put me down. But recently, he's been absent. I had various theories. "Maybe I didn't need him anymore." "Maybe I got my life into a place where he had nothing to say." "Maybe the reason I don't hear David putting me down anymore is that I do it myself!" That last one's important. Because, yes. There is a part of me. My core. A female me, or as the plural wiki would put it, a female facet of me, of Bree. Who constantly does exactly what David did. Putting me down, highlighting every single failure. Unlike David, who I could tell was separate and male, this is part of me, part of the core, and is female. And then, today, I had a fairly sociopathic/psychopathic thought. The thought deeply disturbed me, because it meant that some facet of me had that level of sociopathy/psychopathy in them, and with them as part of my core, that meant that somewhere in me was that darker deeper impulse that I was always terrified would come to light when David was at his strongest, the fear of him manifesting. That sociopathic thought is important. Because enter my anxiety. Linking important thought A, with important thought B: "What if David isn't around anymore because he merged with the core and became the facet that you heard think that thought?" And that is the most terrifying thing of all, because it is frighteningly plausible and there's literally nothing that I can do about it. Thus, my morning blog. |
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