Missed blogs.

Two days ago it was ADHD'd into oops-not-done, where I was legit staying up JUST to make a blog...and then I forgot.

Yesterday it was pure exhaustion.

I'll admit though that I don't really want to blog today because my mental health is at an all time low.

To explain.

I had what was essentially a core part of my identity have the rose-tinted glasses ripped off violently.
It was already going to be a slow peel of the bandaid since I had realized my mistake naturally without being pushed.
But realizing just how bad it was has sent me into an incredibly terrible downward spiral.

I was holding onto that thing to give me strength to live.

I can't cry but my eyes are tearing up with the desire to because I don't know what I am living for anymore.

I was shaken that badly by this realization of the unintentional harm I've been causing.

In the very thing I was holding onto to justify my life's existence because I thought it good, not being good.

I don't know what to live for anymore.
I was living for the thing that I've realized is not a good thing.

I don't know what to do.

I am responsible for hurt.

I don't know why I am going on with life anymore.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to act.

I feel.
Lost.
Like I don't exist.
Like I've no reason to.
That I can do nothing.

I know what I've done to now be wrong.
And it is crushing.
When what you thought was good made up your reason for being and then you realize it was not actually good and that for the sake of others you must stop.

What does that leave left.

Shambles. Which I don't know how to pick back up.

Nothing.

I just.

Why am I living.

I have done so much wrong.

It's been in an attempt to do good--but intention doesn't matter. Results do. And the results are harm, not good. Just. Harm.

And so I just.

​I don't want to exist right now.