But I am way way way too tired to make it and it is probably a blog entry that would take me a couple of hours to type up.

I really really really want to blog about this tho because it is something which is so darn good that it demands to be made even though it's something which I unfortunately lack the skills to make. Wouldn't be hard, just would require skills I lack.

Not that I actually get any good sleep mind you.
Last night for instance.
Where I had, repeatedly, what was either both audio and visual hallucinations while half-awake and half-asleep, or literally the most lucid dreams of all time where I was picture-perfectly recreating every single detail of my house at night save for the imagined details of family members walking about who weren't actually walking about.

One of them was hearing my mom get out of her bed (her bedroom is in the hallway and each bedroom has a distinctive sound to the door opening), going to the bathroom, yelling at an animal presumably our dog, and then going back to bed. Included in this was turning on the bathroom light, a sound I could hear.

...My mom is in Oregon right now. I legit had the thought, "maybe she arrived home overnight?" because it was that real to me.

And another involved my sister interacting out in the living room where I'm sleeping during the time my parents are away. I "woke up", saw her, tossed and turned, tried to ignore the noise, sounds, light, and so on and so forth she was generating with her presence and tried my hardest to go to sleep.

Sounds plausible enough as having been something which really happened, right?

...Except it didn't. My sister was in her bed at the time, fast asleep. So whatever that was I saw, it wasn't real.

You can imagine what effect this had on my sleep.
Because I was being woken up by nonexistent disturbances, which my thought was more or less "I need to ignore these disturbances and go back to sleep".

I didn't sleep well last night.

If similar happens again, tonight will be hell.

​Still, gotta try.

Unfortunately, making it would potentially run afoul of a site rule or two on the site which spurned me to want to make the blog entry, so right now I shouldn't make it just to be on the safe side.

However, for future reference, there's something incredibly obscure about me that I'm not sure anyone actually knows, which sounds like it'd be excellent blogging material once I can safely do so.

So as a self-reminder: when I'm able to, I need to blog about the six objects of power.

It'll be a really neat blog once I can make it, a fun piece of trivia about me which I legit think would be the best blog I've made in...well, probably two, three months or so. (My blogging as of late has been...shall we say...subpar.)

Wish I could make it right now (probably could, but to be absolutely safe I shouldn't), but oh well. It'll be worth the wait, assuming I can actually remember to make it once able to.

For that matter I feel like a failure as a person in general but that's a separate issue altogether.

​I just feel...utterly incompetent, worthless, useless, a waste of time and space on everything right now.

I'm coming up empty.
I suppose I can mention that I'm quite sore today, but that's to be expected--it's good that I am sore, but I should be more sore than I am. I'm sore, sore throughout most of my body, sore enough that it's constantly there as a feeling even when inactive and moving anything makes it all the more obvious.

But I'm not "so sore I can basically not move", which is the level of soreness desired after a belt test.

Oh well.

​Good, just...not as good as it should be.

While I performed well, while I performed decently, while my teacher though having finer points of critique was mostly noting praise of what I was doing well and thought that I was doing quite a lot good...I have to say that though I did well and truly earn it, I'm still disappointed in myself.

The reason I am disappointed in myself isn't some depression over feeling like a hack, feeling like I cheated myself, feeling like I didn't deserve it, or any pity story like that. The reason I am disappointed in myself is that during tests, you're supposed to give your 100%--to leave nothing left after all is said and done, to be exhausted because you spent everything during the test. At all stages, putting your all into everything you do.

I did not.

I'm surprised it didn't end up on my commentary/feedback form. My teacher did note that certain parts of my body could use extra conditioning, but what she didn't say is that what I was doing was weak, even though I could tell it was. Constantly, I was going, "Oh, that wasn't 100%. That was, at most, 80% (and it wouldn't surprise me if it was only 60%)".

Constantly, I picked up, in hindsight, after it was too late to fix, the realization that I was holding back.

I told myself I'd increase my output, that I would push to that 100%...but then I would fall straight back into the same thing soon after. The level I performed at would be fine for practice. It's perfect for practice, in fact. Because the level I performed at basically was practice level...yet at a test, you're not supposed to be at practice level; you're supposed to be at test level.

So by the end, while the person testing with me was on the verge of vomiting because they had spent everything...there I was, perfectly fine, unaffected, unfazed, undaunted, just steadfast and strong...but that's not a good thing. That's not a sign of me doing better than them. That's a sign that I did worse than them, and it's incredibly frustrating to know that in a test where you're meant to demonstrate what you can do at your full potential...

...With NO excuse, no reason, to have not done so...

...Without having thought, and when having corrected it via thought only to default back into it.

You're not performing at your peak potential.

It's just...disappointing, because I know I didn't show off the best I can do.

Still.

I did pass, and perform quite well.

Just...not as well as I felt I should​ have performed, especially given no excuse to perform less than that.

And boy am I nervous.
I want to talk more about it, but I need to sleep as well.
I'm ill-prepared for the day.

Literally, at least in half the phrase's sense--by the end of the run, I was beat red. This...might not be the healthiest thing to be when finishing a run, but I'm not worried about it. You know why I'm not worried about it? Because beat red, I guarantee you, is 100% definitively healthier and better than pale white...the color I am when I am in any actual bad physical state.

Like, on Tuesday, I was pale white when I finished. An example of something just...being terribly wrong with me; all the color drains out of my skin.

But today, instead of the color draining out of my skin, it was all pouring into it. I'm not quite sure if that's really a good thing, but let me tell you: it felt good. I did use the treadmill, which kinda sucks. I didn't have exactly an easy time because my mental battle kept constantly telling me to quit. Treadmills are monotonous, boring, and also deceptive in that they both seem much easier than they actually are, and yet also much harder than they actually are. The latter being the concern, where I thought I was worse off than I actually was.

But while mentally it was exertion to the extreme, physically...well I can't say I didn't break a sweat, because I did, but by the end I actually sped up beyond the mph necessary in part due to that mental battle (I felt that I needed to outpace my desire to give up) but also in part because I knew I could, if I wanted to, run that much faster.

Ended up with the 1.75 miles being done in exactly 15 minutes, a pace which is pretty dead on the money 7 mph. Somewhere in the range of like an 8.5 minute mile. Not the fastest run, but well below the 16:15 cutoff. I feel good. Not as good as I would have if I had been able to do the run outside (I feel like it's possible I could have, but I admit it wasn't assured and that's why I couldn't take the risk), but while outside poses more challenges and is the tradition, it also carries with it things which I don't really care to deal with on such short notice. (Namely: running by myself means pacing is nigh impossible; I was always abysmal at self-pacing and relied on others to have a gauge of my pace. And the one area which knocks the wind out of me is something that I'm not positive I could overcome in this timeframe.)

Given that I was physically fit enough to do the run (albeit indoors on a treadmill).
And given that I still had to earn it, I still had to fight for it even if the fight was mental rather than physical.
​I overall still feel good.

And like an idiot, I'm not letting myself get enough sleep. I do work that day so will be running after a day of work, but in this case I actually think that's a good thing. It'll have a delay, during which I can eat subway. It'll keep my hydrated (something I frequently forget to do when not working), and it'll give me a bit of a warmup in the form of me walking during work.

Obviously, exhaustion after work is never a good thing, but there's a delay to help remove the exhaustion.

Hopefully, all goes well.

The one I failed yesterday. Turns out there's one spot, an area, where even just walking...I have a lot of trouble breathing. The air is robbed from my lungs for whatever reason. We can speculate what it is all we'd like, but it's there, and it's a thing.

I told my teacher about it, saying that I could probably train myself to overcome it, maybe, hopefully, more or less. (I probably didn't sound too convincing. How could I? Knowing the area there's a problem, and knowing that there IS a problem, doesn't mean you know how to fix it, it just means you know there's a problem in an area.)

She offered the alternative of testing on a treadmill.

I feel like that's cheating--but I don't really have much choice other than to accept it, because with me as I am now...this is probably my only shot at it. Frankly. I don't think I will get any physically stronger. I'll be going the other way. Weaker and weaker with time.

I know that I can do it on the treadmill. The test is a nine minute mile pace, scaled up: 1.75 miles in 16:15. Now treadmills work in MPH, but if Google's translation metric works out as accurate (turns out I'm not the only one needing to convert "X minute mile" to MPH or for that matter KPH), then 7 MPH would be more than enough.

Six, while it is supposed to be "running" according to the treadmill, is basically a jog for me.
Seven is a slight run. Slight. But it can be done easily.

The most problematic parts of using a treadmill: the sheer boredom of 15 minutes of monotony, combined with the instability whenever I climb off of one. I can be walking at 2 MPH--WALKING--for FIVE MINUTES, and feel dizzy when stepping down from them.

But while these things are things that are annoying, they're manageable. They can be dealt with.
So I can do it.
I can pass.

Even if the method of passing feels like cheating.

And, yes.
I do know that I could've made the run on the normal course if not for that area taking all my breath out.
When I did the walk, I did it in 26:15. Ten minutes higher than the target time, but I was walking. Walking, at half the speed I'd be running. If you halved that time, you'd get the estimated time of what I should be capable of doing the run in. 

Using the treadmill, then, almost, almost feels unnecessary. Almost. But...I only have the one chance to pass now. One last shot at passing. And I refuse to fail it when I know that I am capable of passing it. Mental fatigue can make me think "I can't do this". But I felt my body.

My legs were fine. When I stopped because I couldn't breathe, they became like lead weights and today they are sore, but in no way shape or form was I unable to use them at the necessary level.
My arms were fine.
The only problem was my lungs, and it was only in the one area.
So I know I can do it especially if bypassing that area via using a treadmill.

I do need to constantly reinforce the facts. Tell myself the math. Tell myself all the pieces of the equation which I know are there. Tell myself "You can do this Bree". Point out all the reasons why I should be able to do it. And then quash the "who am I kidding, I can't do this" doubt which comes up. Push through it, say, "Yes, I absolutely can do it", realize I can make it, that I can pass. That's all I need to do.

And while i admit. That mental state isn't easy to achieve.
I know I can do it.
I will do it.
​I have to.