I don't want to live right now.
I might even want to die.

Alarmed?

Well normally I'd say you shouldn't be but with how severe it is that might be justified to have now.

I just.

Haven't had a good week.
At all.

Every time I try to do a good thing it ends up being a bad thing.

It started with a game, where I was genuinely doing something that I thought would be good/useful for others. It was dealing with my frustration, isolation, desperation, etc., but it was primarily something I did genuinely believing it was an altruistic thing to do.

Then I got called a liar, greedy, scumbag, etc. for it. And am still dealing with the consequences there. I was dumb, stupid, idiot, a moron, but I was not a liar. I thought there were others like me that were having the issues I was having, and that talking about them would do good.

Apparently it was just me but people attributed malice to it and have now displayed malice to me, bullying me in that game. It's exhausting having to try and defend myself and it's tiring to just exist. I have every intention, reason, and incentive to continue playing the game and in a weird way it actually became more fun in a way due to an unintended game of cat-and-mouse developing from the fallout, of how much can I get done in the small windows I am able to. (Ironically giving me practice at a skill I lacked last week and got attacked for not having utilized. I'm literally being taught painfully how to do the thing that I wanted help learning.)

​It's a rough situation, but one that I can still get through. Because I know what I intended to do and it was not to make money; it was to try and better others by learning from my story. They might not believe me, but my character will show through eventually. They don't believe someone they don't know but given time they will get to know me and get to know how I'm too stupid to know how to lie.

After all, I do have autism. Not that I'd explain that to them because I have effectively self-traumatized myself thanks to the jerks on the internet who used "sorry I have autism" to get away with being jerks. Autism is a genuine disability. It is genuinely debilitating and crippling. There genuinely are things that can't be done due to it, and things made difficult with it.

So a person with autism should be able to explain that, yeah, they have issues with it. After all, other neurodivergencies can do that. Such as ADHD. ADHD is also a crippling disability that is debilitating, and while "sorry, ADHD" is sometimes stigmatized, it's far more normalized and accepted. Someone with ADHD is usually obvious in having ADHD and apologizing for it is self-evidently done because they broke a chain of thought and need a push to get the connection.

But with autism. There is a trauma with saying "sorry, autism". So it can't be said, even when it's true. I can't say I don't understand due to autism. I can't say I was literal-minded due to autism. I can't say I didn't get it due to autism. I can't say my autism means I don't understand why someone would lie. I can't say my autism means I could never have the character to lie because my autism makes me speak the truth.

I can't say my autism makes me rambley. I can't share that I have autism with the autism being a negative thing, because if I do, it is seen as using autism as a shield for the jerk behavior. If I do, it is seen as making up autism as an excuse to justify being a jerk. So I can't share that I have autism to strangers, because there is a stigma surrounding autism.

I have a mental disability that I can't freely reveal without internalized and external issues manifesting about that apology, no matter how genuine it may be. I can try workarounds. Things that to those in the know give away that I have them but don't show to those that aren't. But I can't be direct, blunt, and fully transparent/obvious that the reason I have done something that is debilitating is that I have a mental condition that is genuinely crippling.

​Still, while I might not tell them about my autism, that I have it will become abundantly clear with time so with time it'll be shown that, actually, everything I said was true and happened as I said it did. (It did. The experiences which I thought might be applicable to others apparently were only applicable to me, but that doesn't mean the experiences were invalid. They were still true and real.)

That is half of why the week has been the worst. It genuinely has strained a friendship I consider more important than my life. A friendship more important than anything in the world to me, endangered because an act I thought was a good thing turned out to be a very very very not good thing that has caused my friend an endless amount of hurt.
That transfers into being an endless amount of hurt for me.

I am a tough person myself. I can handle being put through a lot. I can handle being bullied. I can handle people not believing me. I can handle people calling me a liar. I can handle experiences that others say would ruin the game. I can handle that all. But it's still exhausting, and on top of all that: I can't handle hurting my friend. That's unacceptable. Inexcusable. Painful. Hurtful.

They only stated some emotions and some hurt, and had some of their pain expressed further by another in the know. But I know that the hurt expressed was only a fraction of the hurt in total. It shows. They're my friend and I wounded them, and am exhausting them, and am leaving them feeling bad, and am leaving them feeling in pain, so what that means is...I am not in a good state of mind.

Because knowing how much pain I've caused. I just. I don't want to cause any more. I don't want to hurt them anymore. I don't want any harm to happen because of my actions. I have good intentions. But good intentions mean nothing if the result of those good intentions is bad things that hurt instead of helping. And seeing the hurt, hurts. I am an empath. I can feel the feelings of others, and they become my own.

Yeah their rage becomes my rage, their stubbornness becomes mine, and that can be both a good thing and a bad thing in that it can give me strength to continue, strength to stand up for myself, and strength to keep going in situations most would quit. But it also means I know their feelings are real and true, and that my feeling them makes communicating harder since both sides are in that emotionally compromised state.

The real issue is the pain. I can feel it. I know it is real because it is felt by me. The pain I feel is the pain of others hurt by me, but also added onto that is my own pain. I have a double dose of pain that hurts. It's not just my own, it's not just theirs, it's theirs plus my own. I'm suffering because I know what they are feeling and how bad it is, and how bad I am feeling, and feeling worse because of their feelings and knowing I caused them which makes my feelings worse and worse with time.

It's exhausting.
It's overwhelming.

The cruel irony is that I might be able to end it fairly soon if I were to actually voice half of what I am in this blog to them, but it's so...I don't have the strength. My life would be easier if I did. If I could muster up the energy to do the thing that will help me, and them, heal sooner. But I can't.

So every day I have been getting worse.

I spent all my energy on Thursday, expecting to have recovered it and been better on Friday.
And then Saturday.
And then Sunday.
And now Monday.

Each day I told myself "today is the day that I go hard on this and can actually get the talks going that need to be done", and engage in the way necessary to help ease the pain of others.

Each day I have proven unable to muster up the strength for it.

I suck.

Ironically, I still have the strength to play the game. The punishment they are inflicting on me is meant to make the game unplayable, but ironically it actually makes the game more fun for me. So I have the ability to check in and play daily, and have done so, finding creative uses of my time while there. That's not something they'll really grasp, that's not something they'll comprehend.

After all, why would I continue to play frustration-free a game where they are inflicting a punishment meant to break people, meant to make people be frustrated, meant to basically ruin the experience of others? Why would I be able to go through that with a sense of calm and tranquility, yet not be able to use that same peace of mind to try and get, well...peace?

​I don't know, honestly. Like, not even I know why, and I'm the one who is living it. I don't know why the punishment they are using on me which is meant to break a person, is doing the opposite for me. I don't know why the peace talks that are meant to be easy, are not.

It's just.
I can't muster up the strength to talk.

I get that's ironic given this blog. This blog is showing talking to an extreme. Heck, today I even talked for an hour to a ghost at work. (No, literally, my workplace is definitely 100% haunted, and there was certainly activity today so I talked.) I can talk in a blog, I can talk to a ghost, so like...

...Why is talking to others directly so...draining???

I don't get it.

But it's true and it makes me feel awful.

I know I've caused a lot of hurt.

Every day I learn more about the fallout of what I did I learn of more hurt that I did.

Every time I see more, I see more hurt and pain.
All from something I genuinely thought was a good thing, that wasn't a good thing and was a very bad thing. Because I made a mistake. And I hate myself for it.
I don't want to stop playing because of bullying or shame but I do want to stop existing because with so much pain I don't want to exist.

And it got worse today.

Much much much worse.

I don't know how to describe how bad it is, worse.

Because the next screwup was not in a game. (Admittedly a game that screwing up in hurt a friend which is where the pain mostly comes from, butstill.)

The next screwup was for my job.

I am a lead lifeguard.
I sometimes don't feel like it. I have an aura that feels more like a normal lifeguard most of the time, but I still am a lead lifeguard. I take pride in that position and have always strived to live up to it. I still do lead things, even if it is less often than I should.

I have kept up at it though because I can try and make myself the best lead lifeguard possible. I know I can succeed. With difficulty and hard work, but it's possible. I could be what I should be. I just need to push, right? Well so I thought. And I did something that I thought was the most lead-like thing ever.

Reporting what I genuinely believe to be a hazard and trying to convince my boss that it needed to be dealt with, that we needed to have it fixed in spite of the cost to the budget because it'd be endangering human lives to not do so.

I don't know what I did to screw that up, but I did. Badly. Very badly, badly.
​I don't know how I managed to mess that up so colossally. But somehow, I managed to.
In doing something that I thought was genuinely a good thing, perhaps the best thing I've done as a lead lifeguard, I somehow managed the impressive feat of being told I had crossed a line a lead lifeguard should never cross.

And my heart sank when I saw that.

And I want to cry.

​I don't even know what I did wrong in the message, which makes it even worse. It's again my autism at work. I don't want to say something like "Obviously I wouldn't have done whatever I did wrong, if I knew it was wrong", in order to get an idea of what I did wrong. I don't know yet. I don't have any idea. I've tried, but even with hindsight I can't figure it out. It was somehow wrong.

But I don't want to use autism as an excuse.

Yet I do know it was severe.
It was bad.

Very bad.

My boss is a very benevolent-chill-benign-casual-laid-back boss, the best boss I could hope for, who is very understanding and compassionate and forgiving. I couldn't ask for a better boss. They give every opportunity, they are very kind, they give a lot, they understand, they listen, they explain calmly, they give good feedback, they give critiques that are calm but still impactful, useful, and just. Good.

Except.

Somehow, that boss that is all of those? Is royally ticked off. Which means I did something VERY wrong. I did something VERY bad. I did something very very very very very very wrong. And I don't know what. I don't have any clue. I am hurting. I am in pain. Like hurting my friend, hurting my boss hurts me because it is doing something I thought I could never do in a very negative way.

I just. It's not good. I hurt them. I don't know how. I don't know. But it was bad. Whatever it was. It had to have been for this reaction. What did I do??? I can't figure it out. But there will be consequences. Bad ones. I'm in for something very bad on Wednesday. Some kind of hell. The best outcome would be some sort of reprimand. The BEST outcome would be a dressing down of me where I get into trouble.

But I could be losing my position as a lead lifeguard.

Or even my job.

And that is the issue.

I want to die if I lose my job.
And even if I keep it.
​I might want to if I lose my position as a lead lifeguard.

I know that sounds alarming.
I normally would say it's not.

But maybe it is.

​I have pride in my job. I feel like I am competent in my job. I feel like I am good at my job. I feel like I am worthy of my job. I feel like I know I am at the level needed for that job. It is one I genuinely enjoy and feel like it is a calling of mine. It might not be the highest paying. It might be exhausting. It might be hard. But. It is who I am. It is an extensive part of my identity.

So what do I do if I lose what has become a piece of my soul.

What do I do.

It's genuinely soul-crushing.

I've tried to distract myself constantly.

But every time, it's temporary.

And the dread comes back. The weight of impending doom.

I can do NOTHING about it.
I can do NOTHING to change it.

Wednesday, and the reckoning coming with it, will happen.
I can't stop it.
I can't delay it.
I can't prevent it.
I can't influence it.
I can't do anything but just...show up and await my fate.

Which could be something that leaves me effectively dead.

So.

​I'm having...a bad time.

I need a break from existence but there's none to be had. Sleep only brings me closer to the day I dread. I can't do this. It's so bad. Why am I so bad at being good. Why is every attempt I make to be better, only making things worse? Why can't I just...be good at being good at something that is good.

I just suck.

​And it's...crushing.

I didn't do a proper start of day with workout routine (I managed to eke by the bare minimum eventually), my shower wasn't as good as it should have been, I missed a dentist's appointment (because I thought it was tomorrow), work was pretty miserable today where I barely stayed afloat, I have continued to lose LP in TFT (and not collecting my daily win quest in league)...all I've done, it's been...not great.

I just haven't had a good time.

I did get a lot of note work done on my story, but I didn't actually complete any of the notes I was writing, leaving them all incomplete.

There was something I was going to do tomorrow early, but I don't remember it so because I didn't remember it, I won't be doing it especially since I stayed up late tonight, two hours past the early-bedtime time.

All-in-all, nothing has really gone well at all.

​That said, I did end today with giving advice to someone, and I feel like sharing what I said as a blog, because it's important.

In a sense, this blog is my legacy; as long as weebly lets it exists, and as long as weebly exists, it will exist. (And the wayback machine means there's a chance, however small, it lives even past that.)

So it's fitting that I left a message about a legacy. So as part of my own, have my advice:

​​
I was asked if I had ever thought what would happen to me when I wasn't alive anymore. (I've made many twitter and blog posts on the subject, so suffice to say...)

The answer: Yes. I concluded that while it'd be unlikely that those who knew the real me would find out, if they did, they'd be devastated if they learned I had died. The knowledge would be hard to come by, but if they did, it would be hard on them.

But I had more than that. Even lacking that, I got myself in a better state by realizing, all the future things I could do would never happen if I wasn't alive for them. Every friend who I would help in the future, wouldn't have me there to help them if I died in the past. Every contribution to society would be gone. Every time I would do something of significance that would help, it'd not happen.

I can never know what those interactions will be until I have had them happen, but the chance of them happening is reason enough to prevent not being alive. Especially since interactions that meant something to others, I may never realize I made. Something I said/did I may forget but leave a lifelong positive impression on another. I will have no clue what kind of good I will do, and that gives me strength to push forward and keep living life.

Still, I do wish I had more connections to the people I care about, since my only friends are online. That is a goal and aspiration of mine, to bridge the online gap. Which is another thing to give me strength in life, ironically. I want to keep living, so that if I do die, they will know about it, weird as that may be.

On that note, it was also brought up about hiding and not feeling anything for a while. I didn't bring up how my plurality in a sense allows for that, but I do need to mention more there. It'd be so great to skip ahead in life to automatically go to when I achieve those goals. But SOMEONE has to get us there, it won't magically happen. Wanting to retreat into a state where you effectively don't exist is perfectly natural. It's not something uncommon. Life is, inherently, overwhelming, especially in our capitalistic-driven world. It's not, inherently, unhealthy, however, to have that desire. To temporarily vanish and effectively time travel into the future is a normal desire.

I get that feeling all the time, in fact. And I got to push forward in my life, because if I don't, then my future-self can't enjoy the rewards of my labor. I, personally, won't be able to magically skip there, but the future-me will feel like she did. But only if I actually push through.

So I have to keep moving forward.

Near the end of the day, it feels like there was never enough time to get everything done. I'm almost two hours past my ideal bed time, and have done practically nothing in the last few hours, unless you count TFTilt where I lost half a rank in LP tonight, getting out of promotion range.

However, while the later half of the day was not productive yet felt like it flied by, the earlier half of the day was incredibly productive and felt like it was more than enough time. I ended up streaming for six hours (it might've been almost 7?) today, and it was all writing! I worked extensively on my novel, managing to progress it leaps and bounds.

I'm still on the, notoriously long and slow, first chapter, but I knew going into it that this chapter would be the most difficult to write, as it is deliberately done in a particular meticulous thorough style as to accentuate the nature of the protagonist's life on earth.

​Butstill, progress is progress!

Apparently, this is the amount I allegedly wrote, which is...well, not amazing for six hours of work, but like: still pretty good as a haul!

​Mind you, were I to partake in NaNoWriMo this year (it's coming up), I would need to write about double that amount in a day, minimum. (Pragmatically speaking, more due to not working on it every day.) But with this being the hardest chapter to write, I think that it's a good haul for today.

​Still got a lot of work to do tho.

This time, with Teamfight Tactics.

Which is somewhere they've basically been really good at avoiding doing this for, but like.

Apparently they did it again.

They made a quest that is a ridiculous grind that drains my soul.

​In theory, basically every quest they release is capable of being done in one game. Unless the quest specifies it must be done over different games (which most don't because why would they), the quests can theoretically all be done in one game.

Not this one.

The Monolith/Terra quest requires an insane grind that is grueling and drains my energy so ridiculously quickly.

To explain: Terra is an 8-cost unit, a gold-unit, a unit you need to be a minimum of level 7 to obtain. This means that in order to get her quest furthered, you need to actually get to that level at minimum, where she has a 1% chance to spawn.

To actually reliably get her, you need at least level 8 if not level 9.

That means that you need to get her, and live long enough to field her, and have her be able to be placed into your comp. (Just because you get her doesn't mean you can automatically field her.)

And then, the quest specifies that you need a unit within one of the three hexes to survive combat.

So not only do you need to survive long enough to field her,
Not only do you then need to field her,
But then you need to actually win when fielding her...
...With one of those units alive.

That's four failure conditions. Elimination before being able to get her. Inability to field her. Needing to win while fielding her. And having at least one unit from the three hexes be among the survivors.

...Which you'd think would, with that many requirements, mean that each win where you accomplish it would contribute.

...Nope! It's once per game.

​Once per game in of itself may be an okay thing. I mean, how many games would you expect to be fair? One is the standard, but two or three is still fair. You can see four or five as stretch amounts to make it deliberately harder to achieve.

...But.

It's fifteen games.

Fifteen. Games. Needing. That. Requirement.

Fifteen games of forcing a comp that can field Terra, that require a grueling grind to get so much of a chance at pulling it off, and high rng that means you don't even have a guarantee to pull it off when you put that much effort into it.

You can perhaps understand why I am suddenly burnt out on playing TFT.

I've been grinding TFT all day, just for that quest. Even going to hyper-roll.

I thought that all I needed to do was one game where I fulfilled the requirements.
Then I thought maybe it was a bug, a glitch of one game.
But I had back to back games where my comp popped off and managed to get all three units within survive numerous combats.

And my reward for those two games where I smashed the requirements?

...2/15 progressed, bringing my total from 4 to 6. (Or was it 5 to 7? Maybe 6 to 8? I forget, I rage-closed the league client after I confirmed it wasn't a one-game glitch.)

Out of fifteen.

I'm only half way there after a full day's work. I've spent eight hours on this quest.

Eight. Hours.

To get the quest half finished.

Suffice to say.

​I'm not feeling like playing TFT for...quite a while.

I had plenty of free time, but I genuinely didn't feel like doing anything with it. I didn't feel like writing, I didn't feel like working on my article, I didn't feel like streaming, so instead, I just did some gaming.

To be fair: it did some much-needed work on the latest quest. I managed to get half-way done with a ton of time left to go. (Turns out that when the quests actually properly progress and you enable bot games to count, quests go from a grind to something actually doable!)

But it's still disappointing.

I could've done something...well. Notable.

But we didn't.

​Ah well.

...It's 7 am, actually 7:17 am and counting, we kinda need to go to bed. xD

We can't really blog that much, we still gotta take our nightly meds (I knew we shoulda done that before we started stream, not waiting until after. Oh, well.), and record things for our stream, and such, so we don't really have the time to blog on top of all that. It was a good day, lots of good happened including a weight off our shoulders at Riot having fixed the issue with Star Guardians that made my mental state tank (well, contributed at least).

But, I can't talk about more.

​We really gotta sleep.

We did make good story progress tho!
​Farn is on its way to becoming real.

When it comes to activities I am pouring countless hours into playing league/tft trying to complete the quest before it ends, in spite of knowing that I can't because Riot Games made their quest basically impossible to finish. I've had to have spent hundreds of hours on literally hundreds of games and I've not gotten the epilogue completed and am not even close to rank 3 on the characters. I did the math and to just get from tier 2 to tier 3 could potentially take 1000 games in a worst case scenario, so like.

I can't complete it.

It's literally impossible.

But I am still sacrificing so much in a futile attempt to do so. Because I hold onto false hope that if I don't give up hope, if I keep pushing, that it's possible.

And when I inevitably fail, that'll mean the worst of both worlds: I'll hate myself for having not pushed further; I'll hate myself for having tried, wasting time on a game that I should be playing for fun but which I am now very very very heavily burnt out on.

I'm also quite miffed that, yeah, bot games don't count. They used to for prior events. Now they don't. Bot games took less time and less stress, so I could grind them out without burnout. But with every game being PvP, that means every game requires me to actually be pouring too much time into how to win, and then not actually manage it half the time.

Beyond that, I hate myself for what I am doing tonight which will bleed into tomorrow.

I knew when tonight was an anime night among friends that I would need to give up on something.

I can make it to work on time (top priority); I can do my proper workout tomorrow; I can take a shower tomorrow; I can get a good full proper night's sleep; I could be a part of the hangout start to finish.

But I can't do all five. I can definitely manage 3, and if I'm lucky, 4, but something has to give and I really don't like it.

I hate it.

I want to keep up my health momentum, which losing one of those is going to really hurt.

Not that I have much momentum from today as I sacrificed a proper workout for the futile league work. Which also caused me to sacrifice streaming, and/or working on my novel.

So like.

I am making decisions and most of them are not the right ones.

Hanging out tonight? A right one.
But not a decision without consequence, and I have no clue what the right decisions for tomorrow will be.

Every time we become a fan of a team and build up hopes for them, we end up having our hopes dashed.

It first happened in 2019.

We began watching League of Legends professional games during MSI of that year.

So what happened?

We became a believer in G2.

We well and truly believed that G2 could actually do it. That they could actually make the golden run.

Then they didn't.

We became fans of various LPL teams, only to have it be literally a different team sent to each event with none of the teams we were fans of prior to that year being among them. Repeatedly. Happens every year in fact.

​We've been fans of many iterations of Fnatic--only to end up disappointed in the end in most of them.

We were fans of Splyce during their miracle run into worlds. Then Splyce dissolved.
We were fans of Clutch Gaming in their final year. We knew they had something special, and we truly believed that if they stayed together, they would be one of the best teams the LCS would ever know.
Then when they became Dignitas, the team dissolved. (Partial vindication: Vulcan is considered one of the best supports the LCS has to offer, consistently among their top 3. What team was Vulcan on? That's right, the dream team of Clutch Gaming. He was always that good, and I'd argue so too were his teammates. He wasn't dragged down by them; they just didn't stick around long enough for him to be elevated to his highest level.)

We have been fans of every single team the OPL sent--then the OPL dissolved.
We have become fans of every single team the LCO has sent--but we all know how that'll inevitably turn out (where getting so much as a single victory is considered a win).

We were fans of DWK for basically every single year, but especially 2021-era, Khan's last year. I well and truly believed that Damwon could do it.

Then they didn't.

We were fans of T-1 during their perfect run during Spring of this year. We sincerely believed that they were the best team in the world.

Then they lost in MSI.

And today, once more, the inevitable heartbreak.

We have been fans of BRO since, what, 2019?
Every time, we cheer for them.
Every time, we believe in them.
Time after time, we get disappointed.

But we still believe in them.

We know they can do it.

They almost have!

If their Spring and Summer performances were flipped since Spring allows only one team to be sent whereas Summer allows for four? They'd have a very good chance of having been the fourth, with how well they did during Spring! (Granted, bad luck would have them face DWK round 1 regardless and be eliminated for good, butstill.)

But no. During the time that doing well didn't matter, they did well; during the time that doing well does matter, they...

...Are heartbreakingly doing what they have done every year:
Broken my heart.

I know they're good enough to pull it off.

They've proven it multiple times before.

They can beat the best teams in the league, and in fact can do so better than basically any other team except the other best teams in the league.

They can beat the other teams in the league, albeit far less consistently.

But today was basically their last chance to stand a chance this year, and once again...after a promising start, they just couldn't pull it off.

I don't know why I believe in teams.

My belief has never led to them achieving success. If anything, the opposite. The less I believe in a team, the better they seem to do. I set myself up to get hyped, then inevitably disappointed, consistently time after time again.

And every year, I say the same thing.
"They might not have done it this year, but if this team sticks together, then next year they should be able to pull it off."

What happens in the interim between the years?
They inevitably don't actually stick together.

And when they do, it's to disappointing results.

I might be a bad luck charm.

It's not even favoring the underdogs consistently.
It's favoring the teams that I see something special in. Something magical in. Something that is truly remarkable and makes me continue to want to watch League. Some sort of special wow-factor that is like "they actually can do this!!!", when 'this' is something that will never be as remarkable as when that team did it, even if that team ends up not having the wins to show how remarkable them having done that was. (Things like Clutch Gaming basically inventing a meta a full year before it became the meta, for instance! Basically every team ended up swapping their botlane to top for 8-minute herald fights...the year after Clutch Gaming disbanded as we knew them. Because while CG didn't have the wins to back up their strategy, their strategy was still genius, so genius that every team copied it later and it still miffs us to this very day that CG is not credited for inventing that strategy even though they did. Because they invented it but didn't get the awe-inspiring wins to make their invention memorable.)

​Things that shouldn't have worked, but somehow do.
Things that the theory is there to work, even if it doesn't.
Things where you can see the magic of the team and their genius. Bonds they have, or synergies they have, or strategies they have, or metas they invent, or champions they master (remember when Pyosik brought Udyr into the meta? I certainly do, I was a big fan of his team that year only to end up immensely disappointed as yet another letdown), and so on and so forth.

Not every team has that wow-factor, and in fact many teams explicitly lack it for me. (In the LCS, there's never been an iteration of Team Liquid which has ever made me think "this is special"; every iteration of TL since I have watched has been "this is boring" and made me actively want TL to lose. As just one example.)

But no matter how good or how special or how unique or how magical or how sound or how admirable or how whatever the team may be that gets my belief...

...My faith is, consistently, never rewarded.

​...And yet I still hold it anyway. For whatever reason.

Still need to do that medical bill and IRS stuff and health things like shower and hygiene.

But we managed to get Stardew Valley stuff mostly done (we still have some goals--the Qi fishing quest and getting to 100,000,000 so we can view the final cutscene with the bonus content, not to mention, farm stuff), and start on the new League missions, and stream some TFT.

So, productive, but not maximum productive.

​We'll take it!

We're free.

The League of Legends quest is done.

It was thirty games that we had to do.

In two weeks.

Given we can only play 2-4 days per week.

That meant 2-10 games per day.

We're burnt out.

We're exhausted.

We're an hour, arguably two, past our bedtime and we're still not quite yet finished with stuff to do before bed.

But it's done.

We're free.

​We did it.

It's possible some of the games involved in the grind got left out.

But it was still a lot.

Yes, we did play a bot game, to try and test if the quest would work there, desperate for it to--nope!

All games had to be done on Summoner's Rift. (At least we think. Might've also included ARAM but we don't like to play ARAMs. Especially since doing so taints our OP GG, as shown above.)

It's exhausting.
It has left us absolutely burnt out, in need of rest. Desperately, we need time to recover.

But we did it.

​We actually pulled it off!!!