Always with too little to show for the day.

Today I didn't do everything I intended for Disney Dreamlight Valley, did absolutely no League, and did absolutely no TFT.
I didn't write, nor did I do minecraft in spite of receiving four hours' worth of inspiration from watching someone incredibly talented and entertaining who had genius ideas.

I have a need to do League and Disney Dreamlight Valley off-stream, but a need to do Teamfight Tactics, Minecraft, and Writing onstream.

With my new shift, I need to do day streams on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays, as well as night streams on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, as well as continuing my Sunday streams.

Right now, having Worlds going on interferes with that--either I watch worlds or I stream; I can't do both because that would get me banned. So I have to pick and choose, and Worlds gives loot drops; streaming...doesn't. (Not unless it's TFT I guess.)

Butstill. I need to get into that.

I have more ideas for emotes, and I know I can make them. I know they would be good.
I have ideas for channel points rewards and icons and such.
I have ideas for stream stuff.

I just need to push through and get it.

Yet, I also have done a lot of wasting time.

And I also need to take care of my hygiene. I'm still not brushing my teeth in spite of having seen the consequences of that. (I'm due for five fillings--which puts me out nearly $750. An expense I very much did not want to pay.) I reek, from having not showered in weeks, maybe even a month, maybe longer. (I've attempted showers, but they were botched. None were properly done.)

There's so much I need to do.

And yet so little time for it.

I need to keep up my workouts, too.

All in all.

I'm busy.

And that doesn't even cover going over my blogs and porting them over to the wix mirror/backup blog.
I'm doing a good job of posting each entry twice, once on weebly and once on wix, but the old entries I've only done the one day worth of work, nothing more.

So I've got all these things in need of being done.

And not actually having done them.

Heck, I need to work on getting past streams up on Youtube.

And making a pinned Socials tab is something I wanted to do on twitter ever since Monday (well, much before that, but on Monday I told myself I'd actually do it--haha yeah right adhd brain, like you could really pull that off).

​All of the things I need to do, just aren't getting done.

As a reminder, weebly is my primary blog, for any who would view this blog entry on wix.
And I am creating a mirror/backup blog on wix, for those who view my blog on weebly.

Today, weebly had me logged in. I attempted to log in with a square account and that wasn't working, so I went back to the log-in-with-google option which seems to consistently be the only one which works--which is a concern, because if it stops working...well, bye bye weebly blog.

With my repeated links to the wix blog, it'd be fairly easy for blog viewers here paying attention to what would inevitably be my last entries on weebly to figure out what happened: that I had lost access to weebly and swapped over to wix. But still, I'd prefer not to lose my weebly blog if I can avoid it, especially since I've not ported over the eight years worth of blog entries yet.

I need to tho, just in case the weebly blog does become inaccessible to me at any point for any reason. After all, losing access to making entries isn't the only concern; losing the content of the entries is also a biggie.

So yeah, I definitely need to do that.

The problem is, there's so much extra I need to do, too.

I should be checking Disney Dreamlight Valley daily to see what outfits are there that I want to buy. Furniture, meh, don't care about it. But clothing, quite a bit, I do. Not everything, but enough.

And there are both quests for League of Legends, and for Teamfight Tactics. I need to keep going on those areas as well.

In addition to that, I've got a doctor appointment tomorrow, and a training on Saturday.

All in all, an incredibly busy week, so finding the time to continue porting over is...quite difficult. Especially since I do have mafia duties to attend to as well as other games that I want to keep playing. It's just...it's a lot. And I don't have time for it all.

​Still gotta try my best tho.

It seems to always end up being that way.

I've got a dentist's appointment tomorrow (there's gonna be cavities--lots of them).

Then a doctor's appointment on Friday.

Then, a virtual staff meeting of sorts on Saturday.

That, after having worked four morning shifts in a row.

Suffice to say: busy life.

And most of my free time has been eaten up by a release of a bunch of, quite valuable, tft quests--they're giving away something that is normally a paid currency, but going through them is a grinddddd.

I did manage to promote to Gold II tho! (As a reminder, I'm a platinum player, it's mostly just a combination of being heavily contested in spite of choosing different comps each game and just so happening to have five players run the same comp I am in spite of the game before having zero players run it; my contest rating is usually over 100% because I have a negative luck stat that way. I digress tho. It's not just being heavily contested; it's also bad luck in getting the right champions/items/augments to compliment the comp I've started, mostly in the mid to lategame. And then, the final and biggest restriction: time. I don't have the time to climb. But, I know I am a plat level player, I just have to grind to get there.)

Granted, took three losses after that, but managed to end on a win which gives a buffer from demoting!

The quest is quite the grind tho. You gotta complete each part to unlock the next set, and there's a lot. I think we knocked out like two, three, maybe even four sets of quests tonight? Lemme see if I can find them.

...Nope nothing from a quick google search, might be able to find them if I pulled the client up to look at the mission names but I'm tired and want to sleep so I'm going to just go without. Anyway. We did a lot. But it left us both drained, exhausted, and out of time. We should go to sleep now to be honest.

So we'll probably finish this blog and be going to bed.

Early blog today or late blog of last night, is all the same.

We just learned that we missed the crystal ball picks for worlds 2022.

And this is disheartening and devastating.

We really like to participate.
We really like to predict.
And we really really really like free League rewards.

And now we've lost them all.

It's.

​It's not a great feeling.

Lots of it depression. Seems to be a common thing that happens to us to be honest. (By the way there is a small disconnect between what I'm writing and the person thinking since 'to be honest' was tbh and 'by the way' was 'btw'. This is a blog, we're meant to be more formal here.) (On that note we need to avoid cussing as much as some of us do.)

ANYWAY.

We have a lot to say.

Mostly depressing. A lot of our days seem to start as one level on our bipolar disorder and then swing to the other. Start depressed, end up manic. But in this case, it was starting manic, ending depressed.

It's been basically a day since our mind exploded. (Well it has been a day, just a little less than that for detailing it. We started writing about 10 pm.)

And yet.

Nobody on any platform has said a word to us.

It was a huge thing. It was something very big. Life-altering. And we got...nobody saying anything.

Like, we get it. It can be something hard to engage in. What do you really say? What can you really say? But that's one of the reasons we only mentioned it in spaces we knew that people would understand. And yet. So far. Nothing. No engagement. We're needy. We're greedy. We're attention-deprived. So we're expecting too much.

I know that.

But even if we know it's unrealistic to expect engagement.

Even if we know that there's not much people can say.

Even if we know that not much commentary can be given.

Like.

We're kinda lost, yaknow???
Having some help would...help.
Having people reassure us, having people talk to us, having people basically acknowledge it was real.

We need validation.

​Yes, that's greedy. We expect too much from others. We're being incessant. Annoying. Overbearing. Overwhelming. Having our presence be too...strong. We're not being reasonable in what amounts to demands for attention. But...we still crave it.

The body is intensely sad. We're being entitled pricks, expecting more than anyone ought to. So rationally, we know we shouldn't expect people to have talked to us. It's still...saddening. The disconnect between our rational selves telling us that basically, other people are people and thus it's understandable they aren't,
Versus...we could use it.

We are...different. Lost. Without guide.

It's chaos. To be expected. But, we are sad. And want something. I'm not even sure we know what we want. But something. Oh right yeah we need to talk about some extra stuff too. Like, it's not just the lack of engagement. There's also how we have to choose between so many things, such as streaming vs. watching Worlds.

Also there's sadness that we won't be able to bet on Worlds in torn due to a fresh set of bounties. There's anger that people are lying about us lying and saying we did something we didn't do, but also regret and intense pain for continuing to put off apologizing for what we genuinely DID do there which was still not a great thing.

"If you want to hate me, hate me for the right thing, dammit!" someone told us right now.
Which is a fairly common sense in us. We did wrong. We deserve to be punished for having done wrong, especially since we're idiots who can't muster up the courage to actually write an apology that's, what? Two weeks overdue? Three? It should've happened a long time ago.

We don't deserve to be punished for something we didn't do and have proven we didn't do. Like, they probably think that we still have an item that we literally showed we gave away--our net worth skyrocketed after having given it away because we lucked out and got 30 of an item when searching (a really expensive item) and spent hundreds of job points on an item that is worth a lot. But we got those on our own. Not with any form of payout. We did nothing but get lucky to get that.

Still. Back to the point. We're sad because we've put off an apology that was due two weeks ago.

We're sad because we're not working on porting over all of our blog to Wix. (We're copying new entries over to Wix, but not older ones.)

We haven't even finished setting up Wix to the max (tho we got close I think?).

There's so much we have yet to do.

​And we've done effectively none of it.

I suck so much.

I literally did nothing but play Disney's Dreamlight Valley all night long. Nothing else. That was it.

To be fair: I managed to get both Mickey and Merlin to 10*, and to get every item on the current pass that I wanted, and to get my inventory fully expanded to the maximum amount. So it was a lot done. Not to mention most of the quests that can be done without expanding, have been done.

Butstill.

I have much much much better things to be doing--like backing up this blog.

​And I did none of them.

Well, not completely, but everything was done only half way at best.

I did only half of my workout.
I took only half of a shower.
I did my job only half as well as I should have.
I didn't do mafia at all.
I didn't do TFT at all.
I didn't play League at all.
I didn't stream today. (Afternoon was understandable, but I could​ have done evening--and didn't.)
I didn't brush my teeth today.
I accidentally had food/drinks worse for my health (more sugary/fatty than ideal).

I have, once more, gone an entire day without an apology for something I am over a week overdue for in a different game. When it was a time-sensitive manner, no less. I need to get that done. I really really do. Basically, it was one of the things that I thought was a good thing that turned out to be a bad thing. Where good intentions ended up infuriating a lot of people who were hurt.

And I did hurt them. That, in of itself, warrants an apology.
I know that apologies are time-sensitive. An apology given a month later is a lot less sincere than an apology given within a couple of days.

I know that they probably won't suddenly accept me as a good person, which I don't really deserve to be. I'm not good enough to be a good person. I try, but I am so bad at being a good person.
I still should try tho--I hurt people. The people I hurt were, mostly, innocent. Hating me is justified for that and every day that I don't apologize makes that hatred more justified. ('Cause, again: time-sensitive thing and what does my stupid dumb ass do??? Procrastinate! Put it off! Something that is very important to those people that I hurt! Something meaning a lot to them! Something that they have reason to be injured by--and I'm putting off apologizing for the damage I did. I am an idiot. And I really hate myself for how incompetent I am.)

​I'm not so self-centered as to believe that intentions justify having hurt people. It was unintended harm, it was accidental harm. In fact, it was actually done out of a naive belief that I would be helping people and preventing future harm. I thought it would help others. When I vented I thought it was something which could help prevent people from going through what I went through.

But I made so many wrong assumptions and the vent being public--my attempt to help--ended up making it one of the most harmful things possible.

I don't even know how to say sorry for that but it's not something I can just let fade. I need to say sorry for what I did wrong. I need to make sure they know I understand the harm I did. I need to make sure they know I am aware of how hurtful it was. Because I do know it now.

But I also need to make sure they know I didn't do what I did out of malice. I need to make sure they know my apology is genuine and sincere, not something done to just get them off my back. I need to make sure they know that my intentions were good, but that I recognize my intentions being good doesn't mean I didn't do harm. I need to make sure they know that my causing harm was not deliberate, that it was an accident, but that I know it being an accident does not mean the harm wasn't still harmful. That after the fact, it caused damage and being unintended does not excuse the damage done.

Obviously, I wouldn't have done it if I thought it would be harmful. Obviously, I wouldn't have done it if I thought it would hurt others. I did it specifically because I thought it'd do the opposite, in preventing harm and preventing hurt to others. But after I did it, I learned I was wrong, that what I did was not helping others, that what I did was not the good thing that I thought it was, that what I did was exactly the opposite of what I intended. And that it did notable damage.

And I need to find a way to convey this.

I don't really know how.

How do I explain how my heart sank when I had the situation explained to me in full?
How do I explain how much I felt pain when realizing that I had caused pain?
How do I explain that I thought I was doing the right thing, but now know it was the wrong thing, and having done the wrong thing was, well...wrong?

I need to figure that out.

Every day I tell myself, "today is the day I do this. I know I didn't do it yesterday when I wanted to, but yesterday had extenuating circumstances. Today has none of those, so I can do it."

And then every day I end up not doing it.

It's hard.

It needs to be done.
It's important to be done.

The sooner I do it, the less time the people hurt will feel hurt because I will have worked to make amends.

Yet in spite of knowing the above.

I kinda suck.

No, I really suck.

If I didn't, it'd have gotten done by now.

I know it wasn't a complete waste but I sure don't remember much, aside from spending way too much energy playing mafia. (Can't comment too much there tho obv, since rules prevent it and I know my blog IS being watched and I don't wanna get banned for ooc stuff. It should be fairly safe to say I spent a lot of energy playing mafia today and it was too much tho.)

I think that ate up like 70% of the day and could maybe have eaten up more had I not deliberately stepped away. (I may have issues.)

I also spent a little more time trying out Disney's Dreamlight Valley. Its windowed mode is a joke and highly buggy, but I managed to find a workaround for the majority of my issues there so I might spend some time there. I don't think I want to stream it because I want to listen to the music as it was intended, and also because when streaming I have other better things to do.

Speaking of which, probably won't stream tomorrow, there's an earlyish stream that I want to catch.

I promised my mom I'd take a shower tomorrow, too, but it might have to wait until Monday, since the early stream announcement came in after I gave that promise.

We'll have to see.

It's an hour past my bedtime tho so I gotta leave now.

I'm doing terribly on hygiene obviously so need to get that.
Most of my health also not great. I'm barely working out at all.
But I think I can pull things together.

​Slowly.

Half-productive is better than no productive!

I didn't sort some shopping stuff, but I did get it half-done.

I didn't stream for long, but I did stream.

I didn't complete the writing that I wanted to, but I did get a lot of much-needed work done.

I haven't kept my online games stuff done (I still need to deliver an apology to some very ticked off players and am a solid week late in doing so), but I did at least keep up with mafia games.

Overall, a day filled with partial productivity but never full.

I'll take what I could get tho!

I was given a choice between playing tft, or having the time to write the blog I wanted to write.

Guess which I chose?

...In my defense. I knocked out every quest except for a bugged one that I fulfilled the terms for (but it didn't give due to, yaknow, being bugged), including the Monolith/Terra quest I struggled so hard on. I did need to do that, too, since the quest reset by tomorrow, meaning it was do-it-or-lose-it.

Butstill, I was meant to have a blog today.

I mean, I could technically still write the full thing but I can only do 2/3 of game, sleep, and blog; if I game and blog, I ain't getting enough sleep. (Well, I might, but then I don't have enough time tomorrow for shopping and working out. Would have a 2/3 there, too. Sleep, work, shop, not all 3 but 2/3.)

​So I won't be able to do a full blog.

The short version:
I might be okay at work. Might. The looming doom due tomorrow? Happened today instead. And it might be okay.

I'm not sure yet, but I'm at least hopeful.

​The main thing to come from today though is that I did some really good posing for photos as a villain. I realized that my aesthetic is highly villainesque: black with red accents in civilian wear (the red is in my jacket), and red with black accents in my work wear. So I leaned into it and made dozens upon dozens of photos. (Admittedly, less than half are good. The poses for many photos suck, and the eyes killed some photos that would've been good otherwise. And some are more Renata Glasc esque in appearance/aesthetic. But hey, I did them!)

This did give me an inspiration for a new character. I'm not sure what story she fits in, but she's not the protagonist of a new story. Quite the opposite, she is, explicitly, an antagonist. Not the main antagonist, but antagonistic at the very least.

​She's a supervillain in a superhero setting, but I'm not sure what story she fits in. It's not Heroes 4 Hire. I kinda want it to be a setting where supers tend to only have one power tho (albeit able to be flexible). And I want the protagonist to be a hero, not a villain.

It doesn't fit the dual-world supes story, since being a villain in one world would give the protagonist there insight I don't want the protagonist to get.

Process of Elimination, the only story I can figure out might be Vetra, where the protagonist was someone that intended to be a villain but ended up accidentally being enlisted as a hero (sort of an inverse-Worm scenario). It still kinda sorta has the "one power" theme, but Vetra himself is mostly not following it. The setting I didn't really think of as being "one power per person", although looking at my limited notes, it's mostly one power per person that is just incredibly versatile and broad/generic. (Vetra having multiple powers can be somewhat hand-waved as being an Elemental Master, since he's got "Earth"(Body), Fire, Water, Air, Energy as his five.)

​I'm not positive that it works/fits, but she's a cool character all the same.
She basically has one of the strongest forms of "Empathy" as a power, where she can sense things on the physical/mental/emotional/spiritual level (the last gives her clairvoyance of being able to detect harm in advance, think like Jack Slash from Worm), but also able to control/manipulate those things in others (think like Jasper, which apparently is called Pathokinesis to the twilight fanbase).

Which does allow for theoretically being a power amplifier, dampener (anti-magic), or even power-adjuster, but she doesn't really use this aspect of the power (because for all of her faults, she doesn't dare dabble in an area of such danger--she'll passively nullify anything that would be able to take her out before her active defenses kick in, but otherwise this is set to inert).

​She is a transwoman living a quadruple life. One, as LifeCard, the (appearing male) leader of the evil corporation LifeCorp (which actually does a lot of good, mind you, being a legitimate business that just so happens to be a front for the illicit activities, it's just that to do all the good it does requires more money than they can get legitimately and there's a need to launder the money from the illegal stuff that makes it an evil corporation).
A second, as Phantom Pain, a solo villain involved in crime that occasionally works as a mercenary. (Also appears male.) This persona uses a wave of pain that attacks on mental/emotional/spiritual levels (technically all 4, but physical isn't triggered for ~reasons~), in a completely unblockable attack that can't be countered or dodged, instantly overwhelming everyone affected with crippling debilitating pain.
A third, at home where she isn't out.
And a fourth, at work (she got herself to be legitimately hired in LifeCorp without suspicion), where she works as a (female) receptionist.

​A big secret about her is that her Phantom Pain power works the way it does by--instead of actively trying to select an action to be done--passively transmitting her own feelings onto everyone in the area. Which, yes, carries the implication that she is in constant neverending strong, strong, overwhelming pain on the mental/emotional/spiritual level and that she is suffering hardcore. (And she is a villain basically due to this.)

Her Empathy power can't be turned off, and it has no range limit. If she has an active connection, it works no matter what. If she has engage with someone online, she can sense them and manipulate them. If she is in physical proximity to someone, she can sense them and manipulate them. If she sees someone on a live monitor in an area she has been to recently, she can sense them and manipulate them. If she sees a recording of someone, she can't sense/manipulate them in of itself, but if she has come into recent contact with them she can.

Basically, she might not see the person she is manipulating. Or hear them. But her power works on everyone, across any and all distances. It has no range. It is always on. It has both passive powers and active ones. She can't turn it off. And it causes a great deal of pain for her, on top of her life's conditions.

She's watched people die in front of her that she failed to save, with her power letting her feel their final moments.
She got fired from a job she loved because of conditions that her power couldn't keep her employed with.
She lost friends she had held since before her power activated.
​She even had someone she love end up betraying her and abandoning her, leaving her alone and isolated, with a family that she despises and who would loathe her.

So she's got issues.

I wanted to go into her powers in more detail, her costumes in more detail, some events that happen to her in more detail, but I don't have the time for that full blog tonight.

Maybe tomorrow? We'll have to see.