There's something I expect to take me 2 - 6 hours to type out to my fiance. I want to share with them in both text and speech, so that will take a lot of my time tonight and tomorrow to actually do.
Basically, I've been closed off from sharing my burden, what's going on, my pain, my situation, what I'm going through. Being that closed off is part of what got me into this situation in the first place--had I not been, then a friend who got badly hurt would not have gotten as badly hurt. I've never liked to share my pain with others. I don't want to hurt people. The more important the people are, the harder it is to open up to them. The more I don't want them to be hurt, the more I work to keep them from being hurt...including not sharing what I ought to have, to try and protect them. The more I love someone, the more I want to stop them from getting hurt by anything relating to me.
That has been a lifelong attitude. I've avoided sharing my pain with others to try and protect them...but at the end of last year, I got told in no uncertain terms that my desire to prevent them from getting hurt, actually just hurt them worse than if I had shared, if I had been open.
They were right.
And because they were right, I know I need to change that lifelong trait--I need to start opening up more. And it should begin with my fiance. So, despite the pain, despite the risk, I am going to try. Words are hard. I don't know what to say, exactly. But...I need to tell them.
I've been moving it forward more and more. End of the month. Next week. Now maybe tomorrow. I've told them part of it. I've promised to open up already. I think it's about time I deliver on that and describe the issue I'm going through.
It'll just take a whole lot of time to do.
So, no real blog.