Then I looked at the clock.
"I have to stay up for another hour and a half???" (It's since been reduced to one hour or so.)
Granted, I could go to bed earlier. But I just, well, last night, I got allllll the sleep I wanted. And today, I did have a decent amount of coffee. Plus, this week is a bit abnormal.
Normally, I work at 7:45 am on Sundays, but this week I start at 11 am, meaning that instead of a like 9-11 pm bedtime it's gonna be a 12-3 am bedtime.
I could go to bed earlier and get a little extra sleep.
It's just that I don't feel like it, I don't need it, going to sleep early would genuinely be purely because I had nothing better to do.
Going to bed basically feels like a waste of time, I guess.
Actually, that makes a lot of sense.
The very same part of my brain that is doing the scheduling for me is the part telling me not to waste my time with going to bed prematurely.
See, the thing is, for the longest time, I've had multiple mes. The two most dominant, I identify as 'Ranger' and 'mastina', but there's always been more than just the two even if there are two main-mes. (As a reminder, I have a minor form of plurality called a median system.)
But ever since I have started work, I've become aware that there is a third main me, a third very prominent one that is dominant at work but present at other times, too. This is the me that my drive to do better comes from. Every time I say "I have to do better", it's her speaking. She deals with staying on top of scheduling, she is very focused, work-efficient, etc.
And she's the one who basically said that going to bed before 3 is a waste of time. And I trust her, because she's the most reliable one, she almost never makes mistakes, she's very very good at just scheduling things and knowing what needs to be done.
When that me dictates that I need to be awake for almost another full hour as of me writing this blog.
I don't want to go against her recommendation and go to bed too soon. It could, in spite of being more sleep technically, actually throw me off worse tomorrow. At least possibly. So like, I trust the 3 am bed time scheduled for me.
The thing is.
Staying up until then is hard.
Because I am badly depressed.
I wrapped up on TFT, not feeling like playing another game there.
And then, I found myself in a situation.
"...I have nothing to do."
Which is obviously not true. A blog's something to do as an example, but like.
I literally have a list of activities which details things that I can do, which I am doing none of.
It's just that I feel like doing nothing.
One of the reasons I want to go to sleep is basically boredom.
I don't feel like building things in minecraft.
I don't feel like playing Stardew Valley.
I'm not feeling Chrono Trigger or FFVII or Epic Battle Fantasy 5 tonight.
I closed the League client so am disinclined to play any of the games within there.
I don't feel like writing or doing art.
I might might might do Civ 3 work, but even there, I'm largely apathetic.
I genuinely just don't feel like anything but sleep.
Depression it is!