All Too Human
All Too Human
  • Blog
  • Red Hood Rider

Rambles, Rants, and Musings

And like the film, it aint pretty.

7/2/2016

0 Comments

 
Decided to log into weebly on my desktop to give a status update.

Right now, I'm desperately looking for something to restore...

...Well. It wouldn't be accurate to say, "faith in humanity".

I'd say...more like. I'm trying to find something that will restore my faith in myself.

Or if not, at least restore some part of me I feel I've lost.

I haven't done it yet, but I'm going to tell a half-lie in the mafia games I'm in: "I needed to take yesterday off, and will be taking the rest of today off, because I'm feeling under the weather".

It's explicitly not a lie, because I am. Just, not physically. Mentally. That's not a detail I want to present in my "strong" personality. That's not a detail I want to let people see of my better half. But among friends who read my blog, sure, yeah. You can know the truth. I'm just...in a state where I've given up on everything.

And...that's not a healthy state to be in, but it's where I am. Mentally, I'm under the weather. Mentally, I'm at a low point. Mentally, I'm in the gutter. Trashbin. I'm in no condition to do much of anything right now, except...talk. Which is why I'm making a second blog post right now. I feel like I need to talk. I don't have any better ideas. I wish I did. I wish I had some sort of magical answer, some way of getting back my mojo, or whatever term you'd use.

But I don't. All I can do is vent my thoughts. Continue talking. Hope, pray, it helps. That I get my energy, my passion, my drive, my love back. Not of others. I still have that. In spite of how cynical my mind is, I'm still hopelessly idealistic. Bitter! Pessimistic! But still idealistic, because I see all the awesome things in the world. I love people, I like seeing them, interacting with them, it makes me smile just so much as watching them. Seeing them happy makes me happy.

I don't need to regain love for them, because that love is still very much alive within me, and frankly, is probably one of the only things keeping me stooping down to the final level which I am hovering just above.

I need love of myself. And that is something significantly harder to find.
On a good day, it's easy.
I can tell myself all the awesome things about me. All these brilliant ideas I have. All the unique insights into the world I have, that nobody else does. How much of a special individual I am, with a gift, with a passion, for things that are of interest to others.

Even when I can't, often-times, I can lean on others. In moments of weakness, when I can't tell myself those things, there's always other people to do it for me. They say, "WOW", and mean it. They give their love, their support, to me, and likely will be giving it to me today, after time has passed enough for them to have gotten the message(s) I have, and am, posting.

Right now, I keep trying to tell myself about them. But I've got tears in my eyes. Water that refuses to run, because I can't let it out. I try, but my emotions can't express themselves. They well up within me. Become strong. Wave after wave hits me, builds up one after another. But in spite of that, I can't actually cry. It's not just sadness. Not just anger. Not just happiness.

All my emotions. I can't express them. Not because I'm in a situation where it's impossible. I'm at home. If needed, I could just lock myself in my room and let it all out. Nobody would be the wiser. The problem is...I physically can't. It's not even not knowing how. I just can't. Whatever capability I once had to let out all my feelings, is gone. And I've increasingly lost confidence in my ability to interact well with others.

I feel like I'm regressing. I feel like all the good things I can do are slowly being locked away. Like my ability to use them, to reach them, is slowly fading away. That I'm progressively, more and more, losing touch with reality. With myself. With...everything.

And...that's scary.

It's really, really scary. To feel that all of what makes me be me...is not actually something I can do anymore, and that what's left is...nothing. Not a "new me". If there were a new me in place of the old me, my fears would fall away eventually. That would be a change, yes. And change is always scary. Turning from one thing into another is always going to be hard, but I'd be able to do it. It's what I've worked towards every day.

...This isn't that. Because there's no new me to take the place of the old me that's fading away. I just have nothing there. At all. An empty shell. I don't even know what I need. I know I can't really get any tangible support from others. There's nothing they can do that will actually be of any real help. This is something that I really do think is on me to figure out, to fix, because it's a problem within me, deep and very personal.

...Yet I can't figure out what it is I need to do. It's not exactly a crisis of faith, so much as it is, a crisis of existence. I feel lost. I said yesterday that the manga IS was hitting a bit close to home. I said it in passing yesterday, but now I realize that when I said it hit close to home...it really hit close to home. It swelled up all these already-existing feelings within me, and brought them to my attention.

I keep telling myself it'll pass.
But when?
And at what cost?

How long I take to fix this really does influence how much my life changes.

And...I just don't know right now, about anything.

I don't even know how to end this blog.
I usually try to find some uplifting note to give, or some vague reference to something to do at a future time. Maybe instead, a synopsis of the blog, since I ramble on a lot of things. If you're a regular reader, you generally get the idea of what I mean. Some blogs of mine just suddenly stop, but most try to wrap up in some way or another.

And I can't think of anything to say, no tangible thoughts. I'm just...at my keyboard right now. Doing nothing. Except talking, because...I feel nothing else can be done.
0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    rBree2

    AKA:
    RangerBree2
    ​rangerbreenew

    Just your average blogger. A transwoman lesbian, with autism, adhd, anxiety, and bipolar disorder, who is plural (a polyfrag median system).

    Twitter
    Twitch
    ​​YouTube
    ​TikTok
    Alt-Blog
    ​Fanhouse​
    Facebook
    Steam

    Archives

    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    August 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014

    Categories

    All
    Adhd
    Anxiety
    Art
    Autism
    Consumed Entertainment
    Content Creation
    Dancing
    Depression
    Dream
    Family Night
    Farn
    Food
    Games
    Gender Dysphoria
    Health
    Love
    Mafia
    Misophonia
    Past Midnight
    Pets
    Philosophy
    Phyrra And Cyrus
    Plural
    Ramble
    Red Hood Rider
    Religion
    Rider
    Rubyverse
    Saturdays
    School
    Sleep
    Song
    Story
    Sundays
    Tae Kwon Do
    Technical Difficulties
    The Descended
    Trans
    Work

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.