Right now, I'm desperately looking for something to restore...
...Well. It wouldn't be accurate to say, "faith in humanity".
I'd say...more like. I'm trying to find something that will restore my faith in myself.
Or if not, at least restore some part of me I feel I've lost.
I haven't done it yet, but I'm going to tell a half-lie in the mafia games I'm in: "I needed to take yesterday off, and will be taking the rest of today off, because I'm feeling under the weather".
It's explicitly not a lie, because I am. Just, not physically. Mentally. That's not a detail I want to present in my "strong" personality. That's not a detail I want to let people see of my better half. But among friends who read my blog, sure, yeah. You can know the truth. I'm just...in a state where I've given up on everything.
And...that's not a healthy state to be in, but it's where I am. Mentally, I'm under the weather. Mentally, I'm at a low point. Mentally, I'm in the gutter. Trashbin. I'm in no condition to do much of anything right now, except...talk. Which is why I'm making a second blog post right now. I feel like I need to talk. I don't have any better ideas. I wish I did. I wish I had some sort of magical answer, some way of getting back my mojo, or whatever term you'd use.
But I don't. All I can do is vent my thoughts. Continue talking. Hope, pray, it helps. That I get my energy, my passion, my drive, my love back. Not of others. I still have that. In spite of how cynical my mind is, I'm still hopelessly idealistic. Bitter! Pessimistic! But still idealistic, because I see all the awesome things in the world. I love people, I like seeing them, interacting with them, it makes me smile just so much as watching them. Seeing them happy makes me happy.
I don't need to regain love for them, because that love is still very much alive within me, and frankly, is probably one of the only things keeping me stooping down to the final level which I am hovering just above.
I need love of myself. And that is something significantly harder to find.
On a good day, it's easy.
I can tell myself all the awesome things about me. All these brilliant ideas I have. All the unique insights into the world I have, that nobody else does. How much of a special individual I am, with a gift, with a passion, for things that are of interest to others.
Even when I can't, often-times, I can lean on others. In moments of weakness, when I can't tell myself those things, there's always other people to do it for me. They say, "WOW", and mean it. They give their love, their support, to me, and likely will be giving it to me today, after time has passed enough for them to have gotten the message(s) I have, and am, posting.
Right now, I keep trying to tell myself about them. But I've got tears in my eyes. Water that refuses to run, because I can't let it out. I try, but my emotions can't express themselves. They well up within me. Become strong. Wave after wave hits me, builds up one after another. But in spite of that, I can't actually cry. It's not just sadness. Not just anger. Not just happiness.
All my emotions. I can't express them. Not because I'm in a situation where it's impossible. I'm at home. If needed, I could just lock myself in my room and let it all out. Nobody would be the wiser. The problem is...I physically can't. It's not even not knowing how. I just can't. Whatever capability I once had to let out all my feelings, is gone. And I've increasingly lost confidence in my ability to interact well with others.
I feel like I'm regressing. I feel like all the good things I can do are slowly being locked away. Like my ability to use them, to reach them, is slowly fading away. That I'm progressively, more and more, losing touch with reality. With myself. With...everything.
It's really, really scary. To feel that all of what makes me be me...is not actually something I can do anymore, and that what's left is...nothing. Not a "new me". If there were a new me in place of the old me, my fears would fall away eventually. That would be a change, yes. And change is always scary. Turning from one thing into another is always going to be hard, but I'd be able to do it. It's what I've worked towards every day.
...This isn't that. Because there's no new me to take the place of the old me that's fading away. I just have nothing there. At all. An empty shell. I don't even know what I need. I know I can't really get any tangible support from others. There's nothing they can do that will actually be of any real help. This is something that I really do think is on me to figure out, to fix, because it's a problem within me, deep and very personal.
...Yet I can't figure out what it is I need to do. It's not exactly a crisis of faith, so much as it is, a crisis of existence. I feel lost. I said yesterday that the manga IS was hitting a bit close to home. I said it in passing yesterday, but now I realize that when I said it hit close to home...it really hit close to home. It swelled up all these already-existing feelings within me, and brought them to my attention.
I keep telling myself it'll pass.
And at what cost?
How long I take to fix this really does influence how much my life changes.
And...I just don't know right now, about anything.
I don't even know how to end this blog.
I usually try to find some uplifting note to give, or some vague reference to something to do at a future time. Maybe instead, a synopsis of the blog, since I ramble on a lot of things. If you're a regular reader, you generally get the idea of what I mean. Some blogs of mine just suddenly stop, but most try to wrap up in some way or another.
And I can't think of anything to say, no tangible thoughts. I'm just...at my keyboard right now. Doing nothing. Except talking, because...I feel nothing else can be done.