When I make a follow-through entry on something like this, you KNOW it's gonna be bad. In this particular case...the crushing feeling of despair is sickeningly tangible; I can feel it in my chest. I've had it this bad before, sure...but not often.
Which is where my frustration begins to come in. This isn't some self-fulfilling prophecy...except...it actually is. (See below.) There is no known cause for depression. It simply is. It exists, it's real, it strikes at random without warning, and because there's no cure, literally nothing can be done about it. You just have to tough it out.
Worse is what the depression does. The very things which bring me joy normally are making me feel even worse. I can't look into people's eyes out of shame. The result from it is that I'm left wanting to cry, but being physically unable to thanks to my autism. Yet the absolute WORST part? The thoughts trapping me in there.
As in, I had an attempt to escape. My mind had a potential way out. It probably wouldn't have worked, but it might have made things at least a bit better...yet I closed the door on my window out. I was pushed back in by a despicable thought that I deserved or maybe even worse wanted to be depressed. That's the scariest, most infuriating thing of all.
Right now...I could really use a hug.
Which is where my frustration begins to come in. This isn't some self-fulfilling prophecy...except...it actually is. (See below.) There is no known cause for depression. It simply is. It exists, it's real, it strikes at random without warning, and because there's no cure, literally nothing can be done about it. You just have to tough it out.
Worse is what the depression does. The very things which bring me joy normally are making me feel even worse. I can't look into people's eyes out of shame. The result from it is that I'm left wanting to cry, but being physically unable to thanks to my autism. Yet the absolute WORST part? The thoughts trapping me in there.
As in, I had an attempt to escape. My mind had a potential way out. It probably wouldn't have worked, but it might have made things at least a bit better...yet I closed the door on my window out. I was pushed back in by a despicable thought that I deserved or maybe even worse wanted to be depressed. That's the scariest, most infuriating thing of all.
Right now...I could really use a hug.
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