Bitter old lady, here I am.
I feel like a grumpy old lady right now. I saw an opportunity to maybe scan a few things so that I could blog about them today. By the time I compiled my notes, my mom was on the computer, and she won't leave it all day. (It...runs in the family?) And now, on my computer, GIMP is giving me trouble actually, y'know, getting running. (There are some preliminary things that I can get going even without the scans.) It's maybe beginning to work as I type this, butstill.
Bitter old lady, here I am.
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Freshly past midnight, I might add, at 12:05 AM. (I seem to be posting those alarmingly frequently...)
But while this could theoretically wait until tomorrow, my words for it I don't think can. And it needs to be said. I was thinking of saying something like this today, anyway. I initially decided against it thanks to the late time (Castle ends at 11 and that's the earliest I could have, thanks to my unfulfilling nap), but now, I'm going through with it, inspired by reading today's (well, technically, yesterday's, but it's still Monday as far as I'm concerned) Ran comic. I want to talk about my feelings a bit more. I'm struggling with college because my life is a mess, and struggling with work for much the same reasons. It is quite possible that I could lose both, in spite of how important both of them are to me to have. (They're my tickets out of here.) I'm going to fight to keep them. I really, really am. But if I do lose them, then what? What's my plan? I think that at that point? I might as well gamble. Having lost my ticket to freedom from my trapped existence, I'd gamble everything and reveal to my family what I am. If they rejected me, oh well. I had already lost everything anyway, so officially losing them when I have already mentally braced myself for losing them would be okay. I'd get thrown out, probably have a very hard time after that. Likely disappear from the eyes of the world, a hobo, until either I die or manage to stumble upon something that could change my life back to the better. ...But the other option? The other option is much of what was covered: they might not understand, but they don't need to. If they recognize that it'd make me happier, that I can have a better life as a woman than I do now, if they love and support me in spite of their lack of knowledge? That would give me that second shot, thus, why I feel I'd have to take it. It's certainly not Plan A. Too risky. But it's a plan. I will get it, or I will die trying. I'm never going to give up, never going to forget who I am. This is me. And if people can't accept that...then I just have to go on without said people. Even though, with luck, they can. It started with the rush to do a week's worth of work in only half an hour. Fortunately, the topic for my homework was a resume, which I have an old draft of a previous one for on my flashdrive.
...Unfortunately, this being a Monday, I left my flashdrive at home, taking only my computer with me. I luckily have a backup of the flashdrive (thus could pull the appropriate file), but that was a close call. ...I did manage to submit all my work for the week, but it was stressful, I was a bit over my scheduled time, and I haven't dared check my grades; I'm sure I got docked quite a number of points considering how much I was winging it. ...Then I took a nap for work, but work was incredibly, INCREDIBLY frustrating today for reasons that I can't safely go into, so while I would love to chat, I can't. It's just...not been a god day. So today was my "catch up on mafia" day. I was expecting it to not take too terribly long, and that I'd have some free time for games and for schoolwork. And comics, and a blog.
...Nope! Spent all day (minus a little Kong time once or twice--there's an event going on; I can't resist) doing mafia stuff and I still didn't get it all done. Worse, there were times where things were moving slow (but still notably moving) that I could have done stuff, but I actively chose not to instead. I suppose I also blew it because I took a 3 hour nap that could have been spent working. So technically not all mafia stuff. Mafia stuff, a little kong games (badges of the day plus Heroes of the Realm--I should update you all on that some time), and then basic human desires: food, drink, sleep. That's been my Sunday. I'm the largest idiot in the world. Because guess what that means? Specifically after saying I wouldn't fail to do my homework...I failed to do my homework. The day is lost...but there's always tomorrow! (...Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah, should tell you something that I'm borrowing a line from the game over screen, just modified to be a little bit more general.) I've been too busy to say anything today, okay? Consequence of being an idiot.
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