Freshly past midnight, I might add, at 12:05 AM. (I seem to be posting those alarmingly frequently...)
But while this could theoretically wait until tomorrow, my words for it I don't think can. And it needs to be said. I was thinking of saying something like this today, anyway. I initially decided against it thanks to the late time (Castle ends at 11 and that's the earliest I could have, thanks to my unfulfilling nap), but now, I'm going through with it, inspired by reading today's (well, technically, yesterday's, but it's still Monday as far as I'm concerned) Ran comic.
I want to talk about my feelings a bit more. I'm struggling with college because my life is a mess, and struggling with work for much the same reasons. It is quite possible that I could lose both, in spite of how important both of them are to me to have. (They're my tickets out of here.)
I'm going to fight to keep them. I really, really am. But if I do lose them, then what? What's my plan? I think that at that point? I might as well gamble. Having lost my ticket to freedom from my trapped existence, I'd gamble everything and reveal to my family what I am. If they rejected me, oh well. I had already lost everything anyway, so officially losing them when I have already mentally braced myself for losing them would be okay. I'd get thrown out, probably have a very hard time after that. Likely disappear from the eyes of the world, a hobo, until either I die or manage to stumble upon something that could change my life back to the better.
...But the other option? The other option is much of what was covered: they might not understand, but they don't need to. If they recognize that it'd make me happier, that I can have a better life as a woman than I do now, if they love and support me in spite of their lack of knowledge? That would give me that second shot, thus, why I feel I'd have to take it.
It's certainly not Plan A. Too risky. But it's a plan. I will get it, or I will die trying. I'm never going to give up, never going to forget who I am. This is me. And if people can't accept that...then I just have to go on without said people. Even though, with luck, they can.
But while this could theoretically wait until tomorrow, my words for it I don't think can. And it needs to be said. I was thinking of saying something like this today, anyway. I initially decided against it thanks to the late time (Castle ends at 11 and that's the earliest I could have, thanks to my unfulfilling nap), but now, I'm going through with it, inspired by reading today's (well, technically, yesterday's, but it's still Monday as far as I'm concerned) Ran comic.
I want to talk about my feelings a bit more. I'm struggling with college because my life is a mess, and struggling with work for much the same reasons. It is quite possible that I could lose both, in spite of how important both of them are to me to have. (They're my tickets out of here.)
I'm going to fight to keep them. I really, really am. But if I do lose them, then what? What's my plan? I think that at that point? I might as well gamble. Having lost my ticket to freedom from my trapped existence, I'd gamble everything and reveal to my family what I am. If they rejected me, oh well. I had already lost everything anyway, so officially losing them when I have already mentally braced myself for losing them would be okay. I'd get thrown out, probably have a very hard time after that. Likely disappear from the eyes of the world, a hobo, until either I die or manage to stumble upon something that could change my life back to the better.
...But the other option? The other option is much of what was covered: they might not understand, but they don't need to. If they recognize that it'd make me happier, that I can have a better life as a woman than I do now, if they love and support me in spite of their lack of knowledge? That would give me that second shot, thus, why I feel I'd have to take it.
It's certainly not Plan A. Too risky. But it's a plan. I will get it, or I will die trying. I'm never going to give up, never going to forget who I am. This is me. And if people can't accept that...then I just have to go on without said people. Even though, with luck, they can.
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