No confrontation, but honestly, I'm exhausted, both from it and from my activities following it. I'm having trouble typing, so even were I to have content for today (I didn't have anything in mind), I wouldn't be able to type it up, sorry.
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And I'm a bit nervous. My boss didn't have the talk we were supposed to have on Tuesday. It's fully possible they would reschedule it for tomorrow. I don't know. I also know that right now is a time where my life is balanced thinly on a thread. I'm definitely depressed, and even if I weren't, autistic inertia is getting in my way, in that my engines have grinded to a halt, and I'm having trouble regaining momentum.
There's so many things that I want to do. There's so many things that I should be doing. Yet I wouldn't know where to begin. These things are stupidly simple when said. Things which are as basic as "taking initiative", "talking", "doing what you said you would do", and the like. But I'm not really doing a good job at these things. Some things, I don't feel like doing even though I know I should. Obligations, responsibilities. Other things though...other things, things I actually want to do. I am having a similar aversion to. It's just a mess. I don't quite know how to pull the pieces of me together such that it's not. Because right now. I am unambiguously a mess. So the good news is, I didn't have the confrontation today even though I agreed to.
The bad news is, I didn't have the confrontation today even though I wanted to...and I have no clue why we didn't have it. I said we could. I didn't receive any request for a reschedule. So I don't know what's going on. Worse news, my car broke down. Again. There's more to the story than that but even if I were awake I don't think I would feel like telling it. I can't share too many of the details, but basically, for my work, I'm backed into a corner of sorts. I can't lie and even if I could...I wouldn't want to. Yet in spite of that. In spite of it actually being something I should want. I'm scared. Tomorrow, when I'm at work, I am going to be confronted with the topic I've most dreaded revealing, and yet most wanted to:
Coming out. It's scary enough already. As a prelude to this, in an attempt to make tomorrow go smoother, I already took a big step which was a big risk. I sent an email to my boss explaining that while my paperwork doesn't have it on record, I'm autistic. But in of itself, that terrifies the hell out of me. Even if there's no consequences to that. Tomorrow, I've got a daunting task ahead of me. I have to explain that, yes, I am in fact a girl even though I don't look like one. That I experience severe gender dysphoria and try to avoid the things which trigger it. I have to explain that the reason I haven't come out and told anyone this is because it absolutely needs to be kept under wraps. How thanks to my autism I am not an independent person yet (in spite of my efforts), how much I am dependent on my dad especially financially, and how bigoted he is. I have to explain that to them all, while hoping that they can listen and understand me. And it's terrifying. When I came out online, it was hard as hell. Yet I knew that there was always something I could fall back on if it went badly. If people didn't believe me, what was the worst that could happen? If people discriminated, what would change given the amount of hate I had anyway? If I was driven out, there's always elsewhere on the internet I could go. ...But work is. It's another thing altogether. What little income I get is from there. If things go badly, that goes away. If I get fired, then I have to explain why to my family, and that's the better-case scenario for me losing my job (the worse being them telling my family why for me). And I'm not sure how to stress heavily enough that the information can't escape. If things leak out from work, then my dad can catch a glimpse of something he's not meant to see. Not yet anyway. I just...don't really have much prep time for this. Well, I've had a long time prior. Thinking about it. But now that it's actually here I don't have any clue of where to begin, I don't know what to say, I don't know what will happen and I'm just scared of the change. Change if it goes well is very good. Change if it goes poorly is...not so good. Yet it's a change it's impossible to put off any longer even if I wanted to. (And I don't want to.) Doesn't make it any less terrifying. And I have only myself to blame. On Reus, a game I was given, I am very close to 100% completion. Today I exploited something to get me half-way there...but said exploit ate up hours of my time. What did I do after that? Did I go be responsible and do the stuff I needed to? Why of course not. Instead it was finishing my first runthrough of Danganronpa.
I'll beat my gaming addiction eventually. But I need to write something in the bloooooooooooooog.
So what you get is a blog-out! I mean mostly my fault for it being that way but I really don't have much in the way of productivity to show for my efforts today. I'll try to be something more tomorrow.
In spite of me getting adequate sleep of a high quality, I was dead tired. Though I did forget to drink my coffee at home, I more than made up for it with the coffee at work--yet for the life of me, I couldn't wake up. It was just a situation which was unpleasant to trudge through, since I was really struggling.
I did get better later in the day, but I knew I was going to be leaving for dance tonight, so I needed to take a nap. It wasn't as restful as I was hoping it'd be. Let's see...what else? I still haven't forgotten that I owe you like three weeks' worth of stuff blogging-wise. New material includes me wanting to finally talk about one of my stories I've alluded to, along with more in the Whirlwind story, including a quote, and also me having introduced a sometimes-ally, sometimes-foe opponent for him, who is a bit of a rival, Typhoon, whose weapon of choice is yo-yos. (It makes sense when you realize ki can be channeled through objects, thus, the yo-yos are basically weapons of mass destruction which allow him to tear through ranks of enemies.) Typhoon is described by Whirlwind as being, "Like me, if I didn't have a code against killing", in that he's a mercenary for hire, that will do the job and do it quite well, but is far more bloody and deadly when doing so. (The two have never directly fought, though they have sparred on many occasions. The closest they come to fighting is their victory-count in fights. Including duplicate individuals, Whirlwind has Typhoon beat, but Typhoon has Whirlwind beat excluding them.) There's a ton more I want to write, but I'm a bit tired right now so probably best not to. Oh, I did start a song but I didn't get very far with it, will see about sharing it some other time. It was a total bust. Aside from the caller, my sister, and I, a grand total of...one person...showed up. Since it's difficult for the caller to call while in a square, that effectively meant we had 3/8 needed. No lesson kids, obviously, either. We're going to keep trying, but I'm honestly not optimistic. I've basically already accepted that what we're doing will be a waste of time unless we can get some real retention, which would be a miracle. Yet I'm still going to do it, for the hope I'm wrong and that we can pull through, thanks to what the club has meant to me.
I'm going to work tomorrow, so I can't really do much tonight. After work comes dance, and because my parents are down in Oregon (remember the day I didn't blog? I meant to mention this back then) right now dealing with legal stuff, I will have to drive myself there. Given my experience today doing the same (the dance hall for square dancing and round dancing is the same), it's gonna be hell. Because today? Aside from rude awakenings from a missed phone call, from maybe a text or two, and other such similar things (weird lucid dreams distracting me and making me not really want to wake up), I got a full night's sleep. In spite of that, I was really tired when driving. Tomorrow, I'm going to be getting up early in order to take a shower (meaning, I'll get 5 or so hours of sleep when ideal is a minimum of six), have a six-hour long work day, and then only a short window before I leave for dance, meaning barely any nap time. Of course. I'll manage to squeeze it in anyway. But while I don't think I'll be driving dangerously, I certainly will be absolutely exhausted and in need of naps, plural, to take care of it all. It is what it is, so I'm gonna have a rough day. But I'll manage. It started with me being sluggish, borderline delusional--I had set an alarm to go off, but when it went off, I didn't understand what was going on. This was followed by me having forgotten how to make my coffee (I might be able to do it, I might not be), and then when I left for work, I almost forgot my jacket (which had my credit card inside of it). When I left, half-way to work, I realized...
...I had left my phone at home. I didn't get to check in on the things I was hoping to finish from last night, and I was going without my phone. Minor inconveniences, but nothing I couldn't recover from. Then I discovered there was a scheduling SNAFU at work; someone messed up and I paid the consequences for it, big time. It was all-around a pretty stressful start, though it was all uphill from there. I'm falling asleep as I type though, so further details can wait. |
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