It's a bit of a "no thoughts head empty" kind of situation, where I sure do have things worth blogging about but when sitting down to blog, I can't think of what to say.

I'd rather make a nothingness blog than skip out on blogging though, so I guess I'll do my best.

I've fallen behind on working on my discord, but I did do a good amount of work. 

I have a need to clean tomorrow, desperately.

I need to cut back on spending.

But at the same time, I do look amazing in my new clothing.

My fiance is dyeing their hair black right now, and they look incredible for it.

It's left a mess they are a bit stressing out about, but it's okay, I am not concerned.

I need to get alerts set up for twitch, they're halfway there, just need to get them fully working.

I need to synchronize discord and twitch, so that my twitch emotes are available on my discord.

I have a lot to do.

But it's okay, I'm making progress.

Just need to finish the things, I guess.

I kinda feel like I'm probably taking on too many things since it feels like I'm always scrambling to get everything done in a day.

To be fair, I'm actually getting most of it done.

I'm playing mafia again.

I'm mostly on top of my games, like Torn and my addiction to Idling to rule the gods.

I'm upping my social media presence.

I'm attending and juggling multiple streams better. 

I'm keeping on top of work stuff.

​I have mostly been on top of daily discords, making sure I'm not falling behind.

Granted, there's stuff that I have fallen behind on. I neglected to write a poem to a family member I promised. I haven't dealt with important bills I very badly need to. I am falling further and further behind on my mirror blog.

And there's stuff I haven't done. I haven't worked on my discord today yet.
I haven't set up the twitch commands I wanted to or gotten the commands set up yet.
I haven't done writing yet.

I do need to stay busy. But I'm not on top of everything, despite my progress.

There's a finite amount of time in a day and I don't want to neglect anything.

I'm getting better about hygiene, but need to be better about meds--I'm taking them daily, but not at the time recommended and much later than I should.

​So like. Life stuff. I'm progressing. Got a lot on my mind, but gonna keep going.

So I didn't do nearly as much as I wanted to, but I've gotten strides towards better hygiene and upkeep, shopped, have been paying attention to my fiance more, and got a bunch of work done! My socials are mostly networked together with my content creation and my discord is nearly functional. I do still need to finish setting up the pinned messages for each channel, the permissions for each channel, and the bots, but I'm nearly finished.

I still have to work on my mirror blog, which I've continued to neglect, and while I didn't do art, I remembered I could share these masterpieces on here.

The first is an approved tier two emote, the second is a submitted (not yet approved) tier three emote, for my twitch channel.

And, yes, they are big memes and nothing more.

So like--I'm not really accomplishing MUCH, but...it's not nothing! I'm doing stuff. Not as much as I'd prefer, but not nothing at all!

​I'll take the wins where I can get them.

I am also home from my family night, having brought home a lot of stuff to sort through and organize.

Tomorrow is grocery shopping for essentials and organizing things.

Today the remainder is mostly nothing.

I want to talk about an old story idea I remembered, with the updates I've filled in since.

But for now I'll settle for saying Hunters/Slayers (the terms are used interchangeably) are a type of "human" (in the same sense that a witch would be) in that they aren't actually human but appear human without any supernatural qualities--except when they are near a supernatural quality, and they act as a form of "strong as they need to be"--they gain the strength, speed, endurance, and supernatural senses of the supernatural, proportional to how close they are.

Kinda like the Duke power in Haven, the closer they are to contacting, the stronger they get, so when in direct contact they are actually stronger than the creature they are touching. (Probably has a term.) This isn't something which need be used to slay the supernatural creature. In fact in modern times it's usually just used to have two effectively supernaturals for the price of one.

Anyway, busy resting and recovering so that's probably it for now.

​See you all next time, love you all.

...but it was exhausting.

It was good, to be sure. The food at the diner was the most delicious we've ever had, we went down to a local place in Portland.

And then went to Washington park.

And then got Portland Burgers.

But it was so, so draining.

Filled with love, awe, wonder, and beauty.

It wasn't quite what we had planned, but it was still special, memorable, and I had a ton of fun.

Just tired now. <3

So for earth 5172 there's three basic ways to affect things beyond the body/technology.

There's soul magic, originating from the user. It's the same regardless of god, demon, angel, spirit, human, witch, you name it. It requires training, but is innate and highly dependent on the user. Mostly physical.

There's external magic, originating from an outside source. Trinkets to transform, magical girls, artifacts, etc., all provide their own source of magic that is usually fairly consistent. It is usually customized by the user, but has base features remaining regardless. The majority of magical girls, most superheroes, and (generic name for) Power Rangers + (generic name for) Kamen Riders use this.

There's environmental magic, where instead of drawing on their own power or the power from some source, they draw from the surrounding area. Most elemental magic is of this type. It's easiest for mages to use this type of magic. It does require the most education and training to learn the system. Although there's some customization, it's mostly standard, and the training is largely knowledge-base.

Ghosts live partially out of phase with the earth, but can at will shift to varying degrees. Ghosts who are not tied down to a place can go to either the community spirit realm or the individual spirit realm, depending on which is stronger as a pull. Every form of awakened individual of any kind can perceive them fulltime, even if they are fully out of phase.

Demons and angels both have a realm adjacent to those two.

Earth in addition to this astral plane where ghosts can operate has warped spaces, where things which shouldn't fit in a space, do. This allows for entire kingdoms to remain hidden from those uninitiated in how to access them. However, again, there's nothing making them exclusive. A fae kingdom can be well-known and visited by spirits, demons, witches, etc. A wizard school could have demons, angels, fae, etc. all get in.

Superheroes and Supervillains, as well as (some generic term for) Power Rangers and (some generic term for) Kamen Riders, tend to use the "meh, doesn't affect me" filter the most, but other groups exploit it all the time, which can make these warped spaces be visible yet never visited by those uninitiated.

The filter can still apply to awakened individuals who don't shake it off. Everyone has to shake it off and everyone can. Humans, average humans, can.

Everyone has some amount of soul magic, although for most it's fairly low. Without fail. Even sapient AI can, because sapience gives a soul.
Anyone can be empowered by external magic, with nothing disqualifying them.
99% of people can channel external magic. Some may have an inability to, in exchange for also having immunity to it. However, because it requires training, most don't.

That's the limit to what I can give tonight though.

I'm going on a mini-vacation with my fiance tomorrow for Valentine's Day and need to rest.

I've mostly been just doing stuff. Nothing important or meaningful, really, but just getting through together.

My mindset has improved exponentially, I've not dropped below 6.5 today, and I don't think I will, no matter what. The affirmation worked. I am spending time on those who want me to spend time on them, rather than those who don't.

There is something that felt a bit disconcerting, perhaps alarming, because it felt akin to Michelle. I didn't enter safe mode, but what I did have was basically an alarming response in response to thoughts/feelings. It felt like a presence similar to Michelle, but...happier? Or maybe more apathetic? Or maybe more selfish? It was something I can't describe right now, other than really it was an instinctive immediate protection mechanism of some kind, similar to Michelle, but less disaster-mode. Not a safe mode. A conditioning of some kind.

I don't know what it was, but the result wasn't bad. When Michelle fronts, it feels like it's because bad things have happened, and her presence is alarming. But when this happened, it felt like it was not a bad thing, despite the alarming similarity to Michelle in feeling.

It basically was holding myself to a promise. It basically was making a pact with myself, I think. I think I might have accidentally made a form of pact with myself yesterday, one which has incredible power but which has set in motion me being held to it automatically. And, like...it's not a bad thing. But it feels like I tapped into something potentially dangerous yesterday. I dunno. I don't think it was harmful or innately malevolent or malicious or in any way bad. Just...volatile.

I feel changed somehow. I don't know how. It's scary, but that change feels like it's not a bad thing. I just let go. I'm not holding myself back anymore, I'm not dwelling, I'm not lingering. Every time I briefly have thoughts, and they do still happen, there's an immediate dismissal of them.

Perhaps the dismissal isn't a healthy healing mechanism. It feels potentially dangerous. But it also feels like, to some extent, it's not a bad thing, and not a harmful thing. The people who don't want me in their life, don't want me in their life. So I shouldn't try to be in their life. And I shouldn't think of them as a result. The only reason to think of them is to be mindful, to respect their boundaries, to respect their space, and I do that by not going into their spaces, not interacting with them, not talking to them, not looking how they're doing, not bothering them, not thinking of them, etc.

​And I have already put in the work on my end. I know they don't believe me. I know they don't give me the benefit of the doubt. I know they think I am terrible. I know they think I haven't displayed my change in actions beyond words. I know they believe I am not worth having in their spaces, in their lives. I know not to arrogantly think I am better than I am. I know not to think I am perfect. I know better to assume I'm not still making mistakes. (I know I still am, although what those mistakes are, I'll likely need to be told.) I know better than to think I am perfect. I know I still have a long way to go. I know they are still hurt. I know they are still healing. I know they are still protecting others. I know they are trying to do the right thing. I know my attempt to do the right thing isn't perfect.

I know, I know. I think you get the idea. I know. I have to always be mindful, of me, of my imperfections, of my work, of what I need to do, of everything.

But I also know I am not in the wrong for having self-worth. It's factual I messed up big time, but it's also factual I know I did, it's also factual me knowing I messed up has left me with lifelong regrets, and it's also factual I have learned from my mistakes. It's factual I have grown. It's factual I have improved. It's factual I am better than I was. It's factual I was in the wrong; it's factual I know I was in the wrong; it's factual I have worked to atone; it's factual I am working to be a wonderful human being; it's factual I have done a lot of good, especially since awakening my heightened empathy.

​And while they may not believe it. I know it's true. So I know thinking myself terrible does nobody any good. I am a flawed person, to be sure. I am not a bad person. I am not a terrible person. I am a good person, and I will do a lot of good--to any who will have me in their life for me to do that good. And they are plenty.

I need to always continue the work to better myself, and make sure I don't regress. Part of that is monitoring this mindset and making sure it doesn't become toxic. But, I know I already am better, and if anyone can't see I am better, then I should not need to prove it to them, especially when they don't want me to try. I don't need to prove my worth. I don't need to give my time to those who want none of it.

I realize this mindset is very volatile. It's very easy to go terribly wrong. Again. I need to be mindful. I need to be careful. I need to always watch myself. I need to always make sure I am not regressing. I need to make sure I am not causing harm. I need to always make sure I am trying to do the right thing. I need to make sure I am always showing respect. I need to make sure I am always displaying love and empathy. I need to make sure I am always helping, not hurting. I need to always pursue the path of greatest good.

I need to always be aware of my flaws, my shortcomings, of how I am perceived, of how my words are interpreted. I need to always be mindful of my impact, to ensure my ripples are positive rather than negative. I have all of that work to always do, for the rest of my life. It will never be easy.

But I don't need to make it harder by flooding my thoughts with those who don't want me to be in their life, who would rather me not be thinking of them. That does a disservice to them and it's a disservice to me.

I know I am putting in more work than ever before in helping others. Those who don't want my help are valid for not wanting it, and I will respect them, and honor their wishes. But those who want my help are always going to receive it, and I will help myself too.

I know I'm probably not explaining things well. But basically, there are those who see me as I am, all that I am, the bad and the good, and love me. They want to be in my life, they want to know me, and I will love them and embrace them and help them. There are those who don't see the good, and they are valid. They don't want to be in my life, and I will respect that; they don't want to know me, and while I will always have some love in my heart for them, I need to drop the level of love I have for them down to the bare minimum. They don't want my help, so I shouldn't try to give them it.

I'm rambling a bunch but what I'm getting at here is that everyone is valid, and everyone's perspectives about me are important. Yet that includes my view of myself, and I know what I want to focus on. I don't want to give my time to those who want none of mine, but to everyone else I will give my heart to them all.

I have a lot of love to give to this world.

And if you read this blog, rest assured; you do too.

You are probably better than I am.

And even if you think you're worse, you can take a cue from my example as a way to better yourself. You are better than you think you are, and you can help others more than you ever realize. You are filled with such incredible love, and give it to more than you know.

I have a lot I need to learn, a lot I need to improve, and I'm sure you feel you do too.

But just as I am doing my best to achieve that, so too are you. And you will do that work more than you realize and help those who need your help. <3

Mentally, it was a 3/10, because it was hard not to be.

And physically, been dealing with the hangover from the Sapphic Valentines Day dance party last night, which got us home at like 3 am.

It was an amazing time. Minimal stress, one of the best times I've ever had in my life.

However, today has gotten better and better with time.

My fiance has been helping me a lot.
We had an amazing trip to the mall to treat ourselves to a shop's closing, and had good talks there.

I've been having a lot of fun in various twitch chats and had caught up in most discords. (I briefly caught up in all, but some are getting heavy usage today.)

And I've got some humor from tarot cards.

I've gotten readings FIVE TIMES in ONE WEEK telling me 'Balance'. I need to find it, which I'm very bad at, and I don't really know how to, but the final time, the fifth reading, had another aspect to it.

It was a clear unambiguous answer from my guides to something I had actually asked them to give me a clear unambiguous answer to--I am very very very sad about it, but the message was as clear as can be. "No. Don't hold out hope of rekindling what has been lost."

And, as much pain as it brings me, I am going to do my best to follow through with that.

I'm sure I will consistently get times where I briefly revisit it. I know me. I can't just cut the thoughts out permanently and indefinitely. They will return. But I will be able to remind myself of what my guides just said as clear as day.

No. Do not go down the path of thinking about the past. Do not think about what has been lost. Do not think about what could have been. Drop focus on it. It's not doing any good. I'm still healing. I'm not fully healed yet. But I need to not think about the friends who have cut me out--especially not entirely, but also not partially.

They have been on my mind a lot. And I wish them all the happiness. And I will always call them friends, and be there for them as a friend if they ever need my help. That will always remain true. But all other thoughts about them? Trying to explain things, wondering if I should open up, wondering if I should share, wondering if I should give well-wishes, wondering if I should congratulate, thinking if I should apologize, thinking if I should try to rekindle things in any way shape or form?

​DROP IT.

I need to stop those thoughts.
​
In effect, they should not exist in my mind--at all. Unless they are contacting me? Stop thinking about them. Stop trying to figure out the right thing to do for them. Stop spending time and energy trying to explain myself, to make things better, to make things right, etc.

It sounds so harsh. It is also heartbreaking and hope-crushing, given my love for them. But it's as clear as can be.

In order to accomplish what I want--to become a beacon of joy and positivity, to become a content creator, to write music, to write my novels, you get it. I can't think of them. To move on in life I need to move on from those who don't want me in their life.

It feels horrible to say. Like, I'm empathetic, how could I not care, how can I move on, how can I stop loving, how can I not try to do the right thing, how can I say they're not worth my time when for years they were what I was devoting my time to, etc. But there's nothing I can do. I shouldn't hold out hope. They have made their decisions, and I will never sway them. I will never change them. I will never convince them I'm worth having in their life again. I am gone, for good, and nothing I can do will ever move the needle there.

No amount of trying to right the wrong will right it. No amount of knowing it was wrong will help. No amount of helping others will redeem me in their eyes. Nothing I can do or say will ever make things better for them, so I shouldn't try. On my end, there's nothing I can do. It is their call, their choice, their decision. And because it is entirely on them, they effectively don't exist in my life unless they reach out. Anything more than that, at least right now, just won't do any good.

​It hurts to hear--but it's true.

So this will probably be my last blog on the subject.

It's about time I move on. I have a wonderful fiance. I have close friends who cherish me and want to spend time with me. I have people who want to be in my life. I have people who value me. I have people who I bring joy and positivity to. I have people who enjoy interacting with me. I have people who want me to attend things with them. And while I will always extend that offer to those who want it--if they don't, then I shouldn't spend my time/effort wanting them to, trying to get them to, etc. No means no. They don't want me. So I'm going to have to accept that, live with it, and should focus on those who do.

I hope I'm making sense. I hope it's not sounding mean. I know my blogs can be poorly worded. Concepts which are harmless, I can botch explaining. The message I got, while a roast, was positive. It was tough love. It was blunt. It was strict and it was forceful. But it was right and it was guiding everyone in the right direction. And my right direction is to still do what I always have, to always do what I always have. Bring that joy, bring that positivity, connect people, help people, create things, build the healing energy.

​That's my path forward. So it's time I pursue it and don't hold myself back.

​I hope maybe my blog can inspire others to do similarly. I give advice similar to this blog all the time to others, and now I need to follow it. If you advise others, it could be a sign to take your own advice, too. <3

The only reason I have more time than I thought to make a blog at all is that the person we were going to go on a double-date with had to do a rain check due to work-related reasons at the last minute. We think/hope the double date will still happen on a later day, it just can't happen today, which gives me a tad bit more time I otherwise wouldn't have in order to post a blog.

Tonight is still the Sapphic Valentine's Day dance party, and we're still going. I'm in the process of getting ready.

In the meanwhile though, I should say.

I've begun to use bluesky, Mastodon, and Threads, and will soon tackle using ko-fi as well.

My discord has almost every bot added I wanted. There's one I can't add and one which may no longer exist, but otherwise I have them all added.

I have all the channels I can think of without referring to screenshots I kept on my desktop. (My desktop has screenshots of various discords I was in that I wanted for my own personal reference for when I wanted to make my own. And now I have!) There's a couple discords I lost access to which I was never expecting to, so I didn't get the bots there or the channel layouts there, but I am going to get as much as I can get.

I still need to set up pinned messages for every channel which needs them, and to set the bot permissions properly, and to go through the roles properly, and go through the channels to make sure each is set up correctly, but I'm like 95% of the way towards my discord being ready to be made available.

I've done some more art. Nothing special, all of these were MS Paint (well, one was MS Paint originally, I just remade it in krita quickly), but I've done some basic art.

Yeah, I know, nothing remarkable. I need to do better art later. But, it's at least a start!

I need to set up ko-fi, finish setting up discord, and I need to update my socials to cross-link to each other.
Twitch, with all the commands and ideally pannels, too.
Discord, with the social links.
YouTube, with the links.
My Blog, with the links in the sidebar.
Twitter, with both my accounts there.
TikTok, with my profile there.
Instagram, with my profile there.
Threads, with my profile there.
Mastodon, with my profile there.
Bluesky, with my profile there.

And to cross-post.

But I am getting work done. Maybe not the work I need to. I really want to do a celebratory stream. I have work trainings to get done.

But, I'm keeping myself productive, and things are progressing. Probably need to synchronize twitch to my discord, too.

Still. Things are going.

I'm not going as fast as I'd prefer.
I'm not doing as much as I ought to.
But, I'm starting to.

And eventually, the work I'm doing now will pay off in a big way.

I can feel it.

Today will get disappointingly little done, but I'll be busy enjoying myself with my fiance at a wonderful event.

So it's going to be a nothingness day, but hopefully can still get things done.

​I need to restart working on keeping my mirror blog up to date, too. But, for now, I'm doing very little.

And that's okay.

I am still doing a lot.

Not as much as I want.

​But a lot.

Today is so far hovering at a 5.5/10, and it's only that high because of my fiance, the good vibes, mental fortitude, and that depression from the same cause gets numbed the longer it drags on. It's hard not to think of what I have lost, and the feeling it was all so pointless to have lost it.

There's a thought of "what good could possibly come from having lost this", and the sadness at feeling it was just all so pointless.

I know from the advice my guides have given, repeatedly.
It needed to happen--in order for me to be the best version of myself, I had to go through this painful growth.
There's nothing I can do--behind the scenes, my guides are already doing the work on the issue, and doing everything they can.
I shouldn't dwell on the past--I can't change what happened.
I need to focus on balancing my life in the present, and pursuing my creative pursuits.

I know it all is accurate.

But it's often hard to reconcile a logical truth like the above with the emotional feelings in the moment.

And right now the feeling is of an intense sadness, getting visions of things happening and knowing those things would be happening for me if not for my mistakes. And it's hard not to think about myself in that moment and just think.
What was the point in me getting these consequences for my actions?

Is there something I have yet to learn still? I already put in the work to better myself, and continue to do so.

Was my suffering meant to teach others some lessons, where they need to learn something from it? I somehow doubt it, they're already great and mature and wonderful, what could their treatment of me teach them that they don't already know?

I try to keep toxic/bad/negative mindsets at bay. To avoid selfishness, to avoid narcissism, to avoid thinking I am more important than I am, to avoid thinking I am more entitled than I am. And it's a constant struggle when I am in a bad headspace. I have to be better than my worst, even when I am at my worst. I have to be as good as my normal self, even when I am significantly lower than my normal self.

It's not easy, but I have to. I can't let myself cause any pain or hurt again--so even when I am in pain and hurting, I need to make sure I don't cause pain or hurt. I have to be better than my pain, I have to stop the cycle rather than continue it. I need to stop the harm from spreading and renewing and recycling, to end the suffering.

I have to focus on the positive, on all of the good.

I have a wonderful fiance.

I am now a twitch affiliate, on the path towards the content creation dream.

I have an apartment.

I have the life I have always dreamed of.

So I need to enjoy it and not let it pass by.

I might have lost something I really wanted to have with two of the people I love the most.

But I have gained something I never thought I would ever have, with the person I love most of all.

It's hard to focus on all of the good, but I know I can be the better version of me.

I'm sorry for having shown off the bad I have, but I hope that the good I build can someday make up for it.