Today is the seven-month anniversary of me dating my fiance. And yet, today, I am opening up the day by writing what, if I actually cover everything, will be a really lengthy blog. But, it's a blog I've been wanting to write to air out some thoughts for the last three, four days or so.

The heart of the selfishness I want to cover is basically this.

I don't want to be forgiven. I don't want forgiveness for what I have done. I don't want people to forget my mistakes, either. Nor do I want things to go back to the way they were before. Even if these things were possible, selfishly, I want something more, something far bigger than that, and perhaps more impossible, but that's why this is a selfish desire.

Who I am now is not defined by the mistakes I made in the past.

I want to be seen as I am now, not as who I was when I made the mistakes I did.

I want to be seen as good enough as I am, rather than seen as someone who has a lot to make up for.

As selfish as it is, I don't want to spend the rest of my life needing to atone for my past mistakes. I want to be seen as doing the good I do, just because that's who I am, that's the natural thing to do. I don't want there to be a need for me to have my actions being penance. I don't want there to be a need for me to have my good deeds being making up for past misdeeds. As selfish as it is,

I want the good I do to be seen just as the good I do. Nothing more, nothing less.

I want to be seen as I am, not perceived through the filter of mistakes I've since learned from.

People change. People learn. And people are complex. Me moreso than most. And I'm sure I'll continue to make more mistakes--particularly since I only have my own feedback to tell if I am making a mistake. I have to keep guessing to try and avoid mistakes, and I probably guess wrong. But I am not who I was when I made the mistakes I made. It doesn't matter if those mistakes are ten years old, eight months old, or even last week. I am not who I was when I made those mistakes. I am better.

To be sure, if there's a continuous mistake I keep making over and over--and I bet there's plenty of those--yeah, I'm not going to be better than I was when making it, because I keep making it every day. But in that case, I need someone to point out the mistake I am continuously making, and once I can identify it as a mistake, I can immediately start working on bettering it until I am not making that mistake, or at least not making it as often.

I improve every day, and selfishly, I want this to be enough. I want to have my growth be acknowledged. I want that change to be recognized, as selfish as it may be to say, to insist upon.

Selfishly, I want people to not assume the worst of me. I want people to see the good I do, and to see it as good done without any bias, without any thoughts of how it must be a mask, it must be penance, it must be for an agenda, or whatever. I want people to see the good I do and see it as me having done good, not out of malice, not out of selfishness (ironic, given how selfish this is), but just because that's who I am, the good I do is my natural state.

Selfishly, I want people to not think I am selfish.

Selfishly, I want to be proud of all of my accomplishments, including the natural good I do just by existing in the places I do.

And there is a lot of good!

In the spaces I choose to inhabit, the natural inclination for the vast majority of people is positive perspective of me, and good vibes to be had. They enjoy hanging out with me. They like to be around me. They enjoy time spent together. I am naturally liked, even when I have thought I had no reason to be.

Without trying, without effort on my part, just by me being me, people in the spaces I frequent are overall very fond of me.

Negative outlooks of me are, by and large, a learned behavior. People got taught to have their positive views overridden by the negative ones. They got taught to drop their positive perspective. They got taught to have their good vibes killed. They got taught to think of me as bringing toxicity or whatever bad things they now think of me. They got taught to avoid me. They got taught to regret spending as much time around me as they did, they got taught to have their hopes crushed because a person encouraging said hopes was terrible in a way they were educated on. That hate (and it is selfish for me to call it hate) is something they were given, not something they found naturally on their own.

And it was nearly nonexistent before December 5th, 2023. And entirely nonexistent before August 2023. It's a learned behavior, learned from others, because the natural inclination, the natural instinct, is to vibe with me. People naturally vibe with me because it's natural for us to vibe together, to click together.

People's instincts about a person are normally correct, and their instincts about me overwhelmingly were positive. I formed years-long friendships with people who have very good instincts, who have a great intuition, who instantly connected with me. They intuitively felt the good from me and connected with the good in me. Even at a time when I myself thought myself to be not great, they saw the great in me without even trying, because that is who I am.

Overwhelmingly, people's instincts towards me are positive. They only see otherwise when taught it by another. And they have great resistance to the idea I am terrible, they have great resistance to negative thoughts about me, because their instincts were that I am a good person.

And selfishly, I want them to acknowledge this. As selfish as it is, I want it to be acknowledged that even years ago when I thought myself trash, others on a deep fundamental level recognized me as a beautiful soul before even I could. 

So, selfishly, now that I am finally beginning to realize how beautiful my soul is, I want them to admit they saw it in me then, and that it's still there on some level now. That the good within me didn't disappear because of the bad within me, that the good within me isn't being corrupted by me finally being able to see it.

I want it to be okay for me to know that I am great.

I want it to be okay for me to be good, even when thinking I am good.

Selfishly, I want it to be alright that I am aware I am a good person who does good.

People saw the good on me on a deep fundamental instinctual level back in a time period where I thought I was a piece of trash. I want that to be them seeing the truth before I could, rather than them having been mistaken and me only now believing their mistaken impression.

As selfish as it is, I want my good qualities to be acknowledged, and seen as what they are:
Good qualities from a good person whose natural goodness is a gift she offers freely to the world, perhaps too freely.

Selfishly, I want it to be okay for me to say this and for others to know it is true:

I am quite the catch.

There's nothing I wouldn't do for a friend. I would do literally anything for any who I call a friend, and I call most people friend so there is almost anything I will do for them. I have limits in what I can do, but I will go to those limits and help them in any way I can.

I am ridiculously enthusiastic. I see the achievements of others, and they fill me with joy, I am passionate in expressing my great love for what they have done.

I am passionate. I am good at inspiring others.

I am invested in those I spend time around. I learn their names, their pronouns, their approximate age, their birthday, their approximate location, what they are learning, what they are passionate about, who they are friends with, their relationships, how their family life is, life events, etc. I remember stuff about them. I know what they are most nerdy about, I know what they are dreaming to do, I see their talents and skills and remember what they are.

I remember a lot about my friends, despite me having literally hundreds of them. I often doubt my capacity to remember so much about so many people, but time and time again I prove that I remember more than people expected me to. I remember things they often forgot they ever told me.

I am good at making people laugh. My opinion of my jokes has always been low, since I'm naturally inclined to describe them as "stupid jokes", but I've been realizing I need to redefine my perspective and call them silly jokes because those who receive them don't think they're stupid. My fiance fell in love with me because of these ""stupid"" jokes, so clearly there is some merit behind my silliness.

I am good at entertaining others. I give them something which makes their day better.

I am good at engaging people. People who otherwise wouldn't have been active, see me talking to them, see me engaging them, see me giving them talking material, and they get into it with me, in a way which draws them in and makes it so they are more inclined to hang around. I draw people in and get them invested.

I am good at providing support. I often doubt my ability to give meaningful advice, yet to those who have received my advice, it has made a world of difference and done them a world of good. They got told exactly what they needed to hear, in order to gain the strength to go on and do things they otherwise wouldn't have done.

I am there for people who need me. I'm not often called upon, but whenever someone reaches out to me, I am there, and I know when I need to be the one reaching out to them. I will drop everything to attend to a friend's needs.

I give great love and support.

I cheer on the accomplishments of others. I am ridiculously proud of them and encourage them to keep going, they just did something they should be proud of and their amazing accomplishment is something to be seen as the wondrous thing it is.

I celebrate all of the good in life. I will be there for others to celebrate their good, and I will be there to help them see the good in a situation where they otherwise wouldn't be able to.

I help get through the bad periods in life. All of the bad people deal with, I help them deal with, cope with, move on from, live through, get through, and see the brighter side of, to see through the dark times and to shine that brilliant light.

I am a Breeacon of joy and positivity.

I have so many lived experiences, I can weigh in on nearly any experience, but I also have a fairly good sense of when it's unwanted, and can stay back and just give that love.

I have an amazing capacity for love.

I have nothing but love to give to the world.

I see the beauty in so many who otherwise wouldn't see it.

I see so much good in so many things.

I see the world for the beautiful, wonderful place it is, and all the beautiful amazing people within, who I love to uplift.

I love everyone so much. And while I am human, while I am limited in my capacity to provide love to a finite amount, and as a consequence some receive more love than others, that does not diminish that I have the love for all, I just have the limitation of not being able to express it to everyone to the capacity they so truly deserve from me.

​I stretch those capacities to the limits, finding ways to love those who I by all rights shouldn't have the time/energy to love, and yet I pull it off at least adequately.

​Every day, I have people who appreciate my humor. Often numbering in the dozens, if not hundreds. People find me funny. Selfishly, I want that to be acknowledged.

Every day, people thank me for the support I give them. Often numbering in the dozens. People appreciate me. People think I make their lives be better. Selfishly, I want that to be seen and accepted as true.

Every day, I have people who thank me for weighing in with my advice, my perspective, my support. An average of three to twelve people per day go through a trying experience, see my input, and come out of that feeling better, feeling more direction, feeling like they have more positive outlooks on their future than what they had before.

Every day, the love I give others makes a difference in their life.

I am a healer.

Time and time again, I have been told I heal people.

I get better and better with time at healing others.

The more experiences I go through, the more I help others, the better I get at helping others.

Selfishly, I want that to be seen as true, and known as a quality I should be known for.

I do have to give the obvious caveat. I suck at healing those who I have hurt, and the number of people I have hurt is plenty. A lot of the people who I hurt got badly hurt, in part because of how much I helped them before, in part because I was a healer for them. Having their positive outlook on me shattered hurt deeply and made bad wounds which only got worse by every time I botched the healing process.

But selfishly, I want my growth in recognizing these limitations recognized.

Selfishly, I want the betterment of my approach to be recognized--that I am working on it, that I am improving, that I am working to be better at not making things worse.

In a very direct, very blunt, very thorough reading I got done, I got the clearest possible reading that was as unambiguous as it could be in telling me what to do:

I need to come from a place of love, not from a place of trying to fix things.

I have not mastered this skill. The best I can really think of is to focus on listening to them. To go, basically, "okay. <3", where I listen and show I am listening. Where I am not saying too much, where I am not trying to fix things, but where I show I am listening, that I have learned, and I am here to hear them. I shouldn't explain unless explicitly asked to give my perspective, and I shouldn't say nothing at all. In the past I made the mistake of not conveying that I am hearing them, and in the past I made the mistake of trying to fix things by explaining to them. I need to do neither, and convey just that I am listening, I am absorbing, I am there, I am taking it all in.

And I know. That's probably not the best way to "come from a place of love". It is still a skill I am learning. I know I need to come from a place of love and a lot of my focus has been on getting better and better at coming from that place of love.

Selfishly, I want people to acknowledge I have made that growth, I am putting in that effort, I have gotten better and better at empathizing, I am better at seeing the perspective of others, I am validating them, I am acknowledging them, I am respecting them, and I am working on helping the healing process.

Selfishly, I want to be seen as having made a great deal of growth in being a healer and healing even those that I have hurt.

I am listening.

I am giving love.

I hear them.

I have nothing but love for them. And selfishly, I want them to see that, too. That I do have that overwhelming love for them. Perhaps too much, and that's fair. It's fair if my love is too much, if it's overwhelming. I learned that lesson years ago actually, and since then have tapered off on being smothering with love, to a level far more appropriate. Selfishly, I want them to see that I love them, in a pure way, that I give to them freely as much as their boundaries allow me to.

And, selfishly, I want it to be acknowledged I do respect those boundaries, to the best of my knowledge, to the best of my ability. I clearly have crossed some, no matter how accidentally, no matter how unintentionally, but I corrected the behavior, I learned from it, and got better and better at following it.

Selfishly, I want that I have grown and am still be growing to be seen and acknowledged.

​It's also very hard for me to write this blog, even labeling it as selfish, because of my natural fears and inclinations.

I am terrified that the good I have done will be destroyed by acknowledging it is good I have done.

I am always worried that by admitting I have done good, the good I have done will be corrupted, tainted by a "clearly, I did this for an ulterior motive", that by having seen it as good it will stop having been good.

Selfishly, I want to take that risk.

It's very hard for me to say all these good things about myself.

I always worry about being a braggart.

I am terrified I will cave to narcissistic behavior from having acknowledged all these positives.

I am always worried about somehow deluding myself into somehow thinking I am better than I actually am.

After all, how could I be good when I know all the harm I've caused and am here, just writing about all of these alleged positivities? How can I talk myself into thinking I do good despite knowing all the harm I cause? It's difficult to put this out, because it always feels like I am making it all up, that I am twisting reality and ignoring things how they are.

...And yet...

...the true twist of reality is that mindset.

Every reading I have gotten has told me the exact same thing.

​Every time, I keep being told, I need to do self-love.

Every reading, I am getting told to acknowledge I have a lot of good traits.

Every time, I am being told not to bad-mouth myself.

Every reading, I am being told to reframe things and see the good in me.

Every time, I am told, I need to acknowledge, I am good, I deserve good, and that I do good.

I keep being told over and over again, to be proud. Be proud of myself, be proud of what I have done, be proud of what I do.

That I have skills, I have talents, I have merits, things that I am good at doing without even realizing I am doing it and doing it well.

Every time, I get a reading telling me to hold my head high, and accept my accomplishments.

To accept all the good, and how much I have grown. I have grown so much. I am doing great.

I get told to keep going with what I am doing, to keep growing as I have been.

I struggle to accept these things, because my anxieties and my imposter syndrome keep telling me I am delusional to think I am great, that I am living a life worth living.

I focus on the negatives, I focus on the bad, I focus on the flaws, on everything which has gone wrong, on all the pain, and I see it, amplify it, and make it worse, because that's all I can see in myself, I see myself as the darkness I fear within me. My depression makes me see all of the bad and think maybe those who see me negatively are in the right and that the world would be better without me.

...And yet...the true delusion is those anxieties.

My imposter syndrome clouds my ability to see what I should be acknowledging.

So as selfish as it is...please. Let me acknowledge it.

I am growing.
I am learning.
I impart my wisdom onto others.

I have grown from being nothing but a student, into the role where I am equal parts both.

Or even to the point where I am more teacher than student.

People come to me seeking advice on plurality, despite my mental perception of me not being an expert.

People come to me about LGBTQIA+ matters, despite my mental perception of having much to learn.

People come to me to help overcome loss, to overcome grief, to overcome negativity, despite my hurdles with overcoming them.

I am seen as a leader, as an important member of the community, as a teacher, as a healer, who can help them.

​So let me be selfish, by embracing that I am those roles, and that my life is a beautiful one with much to offer.

I have a lot of thoughts I want to write about, but when it comes time to write them, I don't really know what to write. I have half-written affirmations, self-love preaching, but don't have the spoons rn to compile them into something coherent and useful.

There's a big blog I want to make later in the month, but until then, I kinda feel like I should go into life but also my philosophy a bit and the love within.

I do occasionally slip to my shadow self and feel my shadow self's negative emotions/feelings, but I know those shadow self negativities are driven by a deep pain, a deep hurt I felt. I got very very badly heartbroken, and the pain came from both blaming myself and hating myself whenever I wouldn't blame myself especially if I directed that blame elsewhere.

There's the occasional temptation to blame others, to wish ill on others, but I know it comes from a shadow self that is lashing out from a place of pain and being hurt--and by recognizing this, the feelings very quickly pass, and I remember all that pain was born from a deeper love. The love that I feel is stronger than the negative intrusive thoughts, is stronger than the impulsive thoughts that pass the moment I let them go.

All I have to offer the world is love.

The love I have for all may seem impossible to accept is real. And to be sure, I've made mistakes in expressing it. I didn't have love for all eight months ago, back in July and August. It took a breakthrough in empathy from realizing a truth and what that truth meant for the motivations of someone else and me seeing their perspective to awaken me to that love, and once I did, I came to a place of greater understanding.

Greater, but not perfect. I certainly try my best, but I continue to make small mistakes. It took until recently to realize that I shouldn't try to fix things, that while my love meant I wanted to, that trying to fix things wouldn't help the people I love, not like that. Love is important to give, but some problems aren't mine to fix. To be sure there's some I can help with, but the problems I tried constantly to fix for months weren't mine to fix.

I have given up on hatred, and for the second time in my life, am working on removing it even towards myself. Any negative emotions I would be tempted to direct towards others, I stop, hold, breathe, and redirect. I remember the love, I wish them the best, I respect them, I accept all of the things that have happened including their path, I accept both that I am not bad but that I am not in their life, so I don't get to dictate anything.

I'm probably badly explaining this. But basically, I know not everyone wants my love to be expressed to them. I have the love for them, and it will never go away, but I can accept they won't want it from me while still being able to not wish ill of them. I can wish them well, or at least not wish ill on them.

I can forgive myself, I can love myself, I can love others, and I can help the world.

I have no ill will to give anyone. Within the accepted boundaries, I have only well-wishes and love to give to everyone. I know there's only so much I can give. I have limits. I have too little time in the day and too little energy. So there will always be an inability to help literally everyone. I'm still going to help as many as I can.

I'm going to take that action though. I am going to help others while also helping myself. I'm going to stream. I'm going to write. I'm going to succeed. I'm manifesting my goals, and I am not going to cave in or give up.

I have to share my love with the world, and it's beautiful. I know it's not going to go perfectly. I know I still have room to grow. I know I've done imperfectly, and will continue to make mistakes. But, I am going to do my best, as I have been. And my best now is better than my best eight months ago. And my best in the future is going to be even better.

I am always pursuing the path of fewest regrets, the path where I am most happy with my decisions, where I can be okay with it even when I mess up. I am pursuing the path where I don't hold onto arbitrary morals or rules. Rules and morals are good to have...but none of them are so perfect as to work for literally 100% of all situations. There are always exceptions, and when holding onto those rules causes harm...let go of the strictness and follow the heart.

I am listening to my heart over my head. My brain lies to my, my instincts are good. Logic can lead me astray, but listening to my instincts usually tells the truth. I am embracing the love I have for all, and embracing I am good at helping people, and embracing I am funny, and embracing I bring joy and positivity, and embracing that I am in my element.

I know my life isn't balanced, but I'm getting it closer to. I'm streaming more, I'm writing more. I'm embracing that 2024 is my year, is the year of those I love, is the year of healing. I am embracing the love, and going forward with the energy of a healer, who heals, who brings peace, who brings goodness to those I can have the energy to help.

And I do it not by trying to fix things. I do it by being there for them, and giving what I can give, to those who choose to have me there.

I'm rambling, and I lost what I was going for. But basically, I know most people are good. Not perfect, all humans are flawed. But those flaws don't mean they cannot be lived. They deserve to live life and as long as they are working on improving themselves and regret their past mistakes, then I will willingly embrace them and call them friend, because they are good even if they don't think they are.

I want to follow my heart, and help others to.

It's a lot of work, and I won't be able to do it all, but I'll do my best and do as much as I can. <3

...I just wanted to write something here.

I don't want to go into details and should keep things vague but something very good happened today with friends of mine.

And it lined up with card readings I've been getting for a while.

Basically, "let go of the friends you have lost and embrace the good with the friends you still have".

Good things happened with my friends, and I am happy. It comes with some sadness of having let go of the friends lost, but I am not going to miss out on my current friendships and the happiness abounding because of thinking about the lost ones.

We've found some good things, and I intend to cherish them.

These are people who give just as much as I do, and accept me despite my faults, and I the same for them. Good people, vibing together.

That's all I really can say rn, gotta go to bed with my fiance, because I don't want to miss out on time with my fiance for the sake of recording this for others.

Life is going well. And while I don't have the words to say why, I am truly happy. In a way I didn't think I ever would be.

I want to make a real blog in the 20th - 23rd range (you'll see why), so you can look forward to that, but largely, I'm too busy/tired to do much of much.

I got roles working on discord, and twitch stream went well. I can't do much rn, but I'm planning on potentially doing a blog update stream where I idly work on getting my wix blog up to date.  It'll need trigger warnings and a recognition I was in a bad mindstate and have grown and progressed and past me isn't current me. But, I still want to do it. (EDIT BEFORE POSTING: ...well maybe next time, cards demanded novelwriting. Very strongly.)
​
I got some really good tarot readings today, basically saying I deserve to be forgiven. I deserve self-love. I deserve to love myself, and be loved by others. I need to be careful not to overextend myself and burn out by taking on too many things at once, and I will only be able to love so many at once, but I am beautiful. I have grown, and those who are or have entered my life see me and love me as I am. I am doing good work and going on a good journey.

I wish I could retain specifics from readings better, particularly ones that are as loving and detailed and long and thorough as this one was. But basically, it paired well with the prior thorough reading I got. I need to approach from love, and let go of trying to fix things. I may not know how to speak from a place of love, but I will learn. I will keep trying, and eventually my guides believe I'll succeed, in approaching from love and expressing things through it.

I am trying my best.

And I am trying to spread self-love.

On that note, I had a mantra to help get me get through the morning.

My negative emotions are born from pain, and I can wash it away by embracing the love underneath.

To explain that, 
My conscious self has nothing but endless love to give, but my shadow self has negative intrusive feelings and thoughts which despite my best efforts have plagued me.

These negative emotions are born from deep pain in me.

By recognizing that the negativity originates from pain, I gain some power.

And by recognizing that the pain is born from the same love my conscious self has, that underneath the pain is more love, I can master my pain by embracing that love.

It seems to be working now for me, so if any here need it, I’m giving it to everyone. 

Love may cause a great many wounds, but it can heal those very same wounds. 💖

You can do it. I Breelieve in you.

And while they are difficult, they give a sense of things.

To keep a long story short:

This morning, I was in a friend's tarot stream. I had to go on an errand.
When I came back, that friend had just raided into another tarot streamer, who offered free readings. I had no idea how good they would be but I decided to see.

I've had variants on this question on my mind for months, and most readers give good answers, but not an answer that I can stick by.

This one, I might be able to.

The reading was both the most brutal yet also most loving reading I have ever gotten. It was the clearest, loudest I have ever gotten. It was exactly honed in. The reader was able to sense the situation perfectly, picking up details in the cards which aren't normally there, having an idea of how to see them. They were very very good at their reading, and it got through, and I can stick to the reading.

This reading took like five, ten minutes, and is way way way too long to clip, and I don't think I can really record it start to finish, but some of the loose highlights, loosely;
I missed the nuance.
I can't fix things, and shouldn't try.
I caused great harm.
I need to accept accountability.
I need to accept my part.
I need to give it a large amount of time.

I violated a boundary.
I crossed a line.
Self-love.
Self-healing.
Self-acceptance.
Release.
Don't come from a place of trying to fix what was broken; come from a place of pure love.

I may not know the nuances I missed (I won't unless I am told), but I can know I missed them. Just knowing I did is enough. (Although I can guess at least a few.)

I already knew I couldn't fix things, but when it was saying I shouldn't try what really came through was more a sense of, "don't overcompensate and try too hard to atone/redeem yourself", if that makes sense.

To explain that, I certainly have had a shift in my presence online. The me that I am now is far more empathetic, caring, and invested in others than before--and that's not a bad thing! But, I often force it. I often am forcing myself to be more present, because I have it in my mind "I need to atone, I need to make up for my failure, and to make up for it I need to force myself to always be this wonderful amazing engaged person who spreads that joy and positivity all the time". And that was what I got as being the shouldn't try.

I can still be that evolved empathetic self. I can still care, I can still give my love and support, but I shouldn't be forcing it as hard as I am. I should be taking a step back, and measuring it, giving it only as it's needed, and being there only when I need to be there, basically. I should try to sense when I should be somewhere, when I should engage, and only do so when it feels I should.

I know I caused great harm, and I have accepted accountability for it as much as I can--but I need to accept the accountability from the perspective of others. I'm not sure how to explain that concept, but I understood it for what it is. I knew what was being said, even if I can't explain it with words.

I need to accept my part in it all, this I definitely try to do but largely, it is also similar to the above. It's not accepting my part from my perspective, it's accepting my part from theirs, and that I try to do but I need to get better at it.

I need to surrender myself and not try to fight at all.
I need to not give the time needed to heal, and not try to improve the situation. 

I made a mistake and am accountable for it, I have at least a decent idea of what line I crossed, and need to accept I did, and the consequences.

I need to accept what I did, continue to work on myself, give up on my anxieties, my worries, my selfish desires, my unrealistic hopes, and forgive myself. To work on healing, to remove the negativity and bad from it, release control, accept things.

And just give that love.

This is modified from a message I sent to a community member who needed a little bit of love, and I feel it's needed to be sent to all.

I'm not spreading it directly across discords, I made it too long for one message and it doesn't fit neatly within.

But I feel like it needs to be said.

I wrote it and thought of those I have lost.

I somewhat felt like I was writing it to them, despite them likely never wanting to ever see anything me ever again including this message partially to them.

I also felt it was to me, because I need to adapt this as a mantra moving forward.

But it's mostly for others.
For community members.
For anyone and everyone to stumble upon my blog and read, or those who actually click on the link when I share this blog.

This goes out to you, those who need it. Feel free to keep spreading it, or if you want, keep it for yourself. You can read it as many times as you want. This goes out to those who have dealt with loss, and in this day and age, that's almost everyone.

So my message to you is this.

Everything is finite, so everything is temporary. Even the internet. When it comes to online spaces, most are going to be in your life only temporarily. Both the spaces and the people within. People can come and go, leaving for either just a while or permanently. Communities can slow down and stop, even shut down, and may or may not ever come back.

Whenever people leave, whenever you have to leave, whenever a community shuts down, it's okay to be sad. It's okay to lament the loss of continued times. To miss someone, to miss a community, to reminisce about all the good and wish there was more.

But, the loss doesn't invalidate the wonderful times had. They existed, no matter what. They did at least some good, and had some impact which felt positive, for some amount of time. They were real. They existed. They mattered. They were beautiful and wonderful while they lasted. The people were good friends, and maybe more. The communities were wonderful. Maybe the times weren't all good, maybe things weren't all good, maybe things didn't even end well. (Or maybe they did. Or with a whimper. Or any other way.)

It need not be all positive to still have had positive having existed, and that positivity MATTERED. And because it mattered, the loss also matters.

We can grieve that loss, and that loss is valid. It can induce sadness years down the line, and that's okay. Remorse when reminiscing knows no time limit. The loss of community, the loss of family, the loss of friends, all hurt and will never truly stop hurting. So to be hurt at any time is okay.

That pain is real. That pain is valid. That pain is OKAY.

What's important to remember above all else is the good times had. Those times were good, and they were real. They mattered. Maybe they ended badly, and it's tempting to view the past through the lens of the bad end, poison the memories, and see things in the worst light, but AT THE TIME, they brought good feelings. Maybe things ended abruptly, but they still were good. Maybe things just ended gradually and slowly from decay, but they were still good. The good times may not continue with that person, people, or community, but they weren't a lie, they weren't nonexistent, they weren't wrong, they weren't something to be ashamed of or to regret having had.

They mattered, they helped. They got you to where you are today, and you are mostly better for it.

And who you are now has a long ways to go yet, in terms of good experiences. You have the rest of your life to have those good experiences. You can find a new space for good times. You can find new people to have good times with. You have the rest of your life to form memories, positive ones, good ones, which will leave you with a lifetime of smiles to look back at. You will make good memories, in new, beautiful ways. You will form bonds, you will share spaces, and these things will be all the more precious. And this will always apply, until the day you die. You will always be able to find a place, and people, for you, to live fully and happily and with joy and positivity, and to remember down the line.

Plus, one of the best beauties of life is its myriad of surprises. Not all are good, with many giving trials to triumph over which strain and often break relationships or even communities. Yet most are, giving you wonderful twists you could never have planned for and wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

Among them is reconnecting. And rebuilding. As long as people live, friendships can be rekindled. As long as people live, communities can be rebuilt. As long as you live, things can be restarted. It's never guaranteed, some things are lost forever and can never be retrieved. You shouldn't hold onto what is likely false hope of some magical way to restore a lost link from your earlier life. Yet if you are open to the possibility, you can always leave the bridge open to the potential of it happening if it feels right.

Only time will tell what twists you face in life. Yet I truly believe it will be joyous. Life is wonderful, and beautiful, and incredible. Don't be afraid to live it because of pain from the past. You can't stop yourself from feeling that pain, but don't let it control you. Don't let it define you. Let your pain exist, as it's valid, acknowledge it, yet don't let it dictate your choices, your future. Because your future is going to be better than your past, as long as you let it be.

And you can do it, even if you don't think you are. Well-wishes.

...but not nearly enough time.
My fiance came with me to work today (they felt it was needed and tbh they probably were right) and was tired when we got home so cleaning didn't get done.

I had a lot of uplifting things happen and I feel a lot better.

I have a ton to be proud of, but a ton not getting done.

My bills are likely overdue and still not paid.

I'm probably still making the wrong choices--for instance, a couple hours ago I asked myself "do I send (a type of message) to (a person)", but I ultimately felt it'd have been a mistake even with the best wording so opted out, and I'll always wonder/ask myself if that was the correct call and I likely never will know. (In general, I am naturally reactive. I don't show proactivity and proactively reach out, but I always wonder if it's the right thing to do to wait for someone to reach out to me with the appropriate action on my end being doing nothing until they do, or if I should be doing more than I am. AS FAR AS I KNOW, waiting is the better option, but again...I dunno.)

Today I was largely more positive, so my exercise in getting a better mental yesterday partially worked--not fully, which is why having my fiance helped a lot, but today was mostly more in the positive realm. I did dwell an uncomfortably long time on hypothetical what-ifs I never want to visit yet instinctively keep around as intrusive thoughts, but instead of dominating for ALL of the day, it was only a small part of the day and I was able to shake them off and get more healthy thoughts going.

I did story stuff today, albeit just a bit of notekeeping. Still proud of doing it as it's been weeks maybe months since I last did and I've been wanting to do that for a long while.

I'm not going to get everything I want to do done today but that's okay. Any deadlines on things like getting a new streaming software or my discord bots to have reactions for roles to be auto-assigned are purely arbitrary and did not need to strictly be done today. And there's always tomorrow.

I wrote some lovely messages and spread them to maybe too many discords. Well, it was only two or three messages with one of them copypasted across almost all of them--I wrote that message for one server, but I ended up feeling it shouldn't be limited to just there. It just felt right to spread it around to share that love, kindness, and affection to others.

And maybe, I should also share it on here. I know (other than my fiance reading over my shoulder which to be clear is okay and I am okay with it and it's lovely and I love you so much my love and it's okay and I do mean it) that nobody really reads my blogs outside of maybe when I advertise them or random checkins (I don't have a consistent daily viewerbase despite the blogs themselves being daily--and that's okay, just stating I know it is the case), but in case anyone does do those random checkins and sees this, or in case this blog gets seen when I next advertise it, or in case the blog gets regular viewership, or in case the blog gets someone at some future point deciding to bingeread and they stumble into here or in case someone looks at the tags and spots this, basically in case anyone by any method sees this, it bears repeating for everyone.

This is the kind of message I aim to spread to everyone in my life this year, as long as they will let me. (And I know, there are those who won't, and that's okay. That's valid. I will wish them well regardless even if they wish nothing to do with me, but I will respect their boundaries. As long as I know what they are, I will never cross them.)

I resolved to spread joy and positivity, and it starts with messages like this.

​Don’t worry about any setbacks. You are still doing good regardless of them.

Don’t worry too much about what you’re not doing. It’s okay. There’s a finite amount of time in any given day. You can’t do everything you want to in any given day. You will always give something up, and you will probably be inclined to lament the loss of that thing, but you have your whole life ahead of you. 

It’s never too late. You can and should focus on what you believe is the most important thing in your life on the given day, and It’s okay if what that is, changes.

You can find a way to balance eventually, no matter how long it takes. 💖


And on top of that, I also wanted to add more. I will always be around to help, as long as I am able to, in any way I can.
I will always have my DMs open.
I will accept any request.
I will do anything for those who I would gladly call my friend.
And I call plenty of people friend gladly, including plenty who probably would prefer I not.
Regardless, I will be there for a friend, always, in any way they want me to be.

I will always show my love.

I know there are a bunch of people in pain. The pain is active, the pain is real, the hurt is there. The fallout of past actions had consequences which left longlasting hurt and damage and left so much harm which hasn't healed. And perhaps never will. But while I can't do anything for those who don't want me to do anything, if they do want me to do something I will do whatever I can to help them in any way shape or form.

A lot has changed, and things will never be the same. I'm the same I've always been, but I've also changed. (For the better I feel.) And that applies for all people, too. They change. Their perceptions change. Their lives change. They face turmoil. They face pain. But I will do whatever I can to spread words of positivity and affirmations and give them a bit of joy.

I will not be perfect, but I will offer the reassurance I can, as I can. I will strive to make everyone's lives be better, including giving them a fresh outlook on things, to build on what they have. And you, my lovely reader, are part of that.

I know my words are just words, they probably don't offer as much impact as I would want them to. So this message is temporary, perhaps lasting only seconds, or minutes, maybe if I'm lucky can last you a day. It won't stick, no matter how much I wish it would, but I offer it all the same because so much as a single second better is worth it in the end so take this message with you.

You are loved.
You have such amazing and wonderful love, compassion, and care to give to others and the world, which you do.
You are talented. You have a good sense of humor. You are nerdy. You are worth spending time around, and you are worth being invested in.
You are enough as you are. You are good enough. You deserve all the good things you have.
You are going to go far in life. You are going to accomplish great things.
You have made an impact in life, more than you know, and you make it just by existing.
You matter. You are seen. You are loved.
And yes, life is not perfect. Not everything will go right. There will be challenges. There will be setbacks. There will be hurdles. But you are remarkably adept at overcoming them, more than you know, and that is beautiful. And if you decide not to, then whatever you pivot to? Just as amazing and wonderful.
You are incredible.
You can do it.
You can get through the trials and tribulations.
You make a difference. And you are memorable.
I truly hope you can some day accept at least some of these things as true. I know it's hard to show that self-love, but just know I truly believe this of you, and if I believe it of you, then you can eventually too.

​Much love.

It's going to start mostly negative, but I'm hoping that it'll lead to positive. Basically, my hope is to air out my depression and reverse it into positive thoughts because I don't want to carry them into tomorrow--particularly since the plan is for me to go to work alone tomorrow.

My fiance and I have largely become inseparable. And while that can be a good thing in some ways, it can also be a bad thing when we actually have a need to separate for life stuff for a longer duration. And tomorrow is going to be one of those days. My fiance is going to clean tomorrow while I'm at work, and potentially get their test stream done (or at least conclude the troubleshooting).

And that means I won't be able to hug them, kiss them, talk to them in person, be reassured by them, grab their hand, etc. On a day where I'm busy enough to not have time to think, that's okay. On a day when I can think and I'm not inspired by a story, I instead think about my past mistakes.

And because I've had my mistakes on mind since Saturday and they're not going away despite me knowing how unhealthy they are (I'm trying to get rid of the thoughts, but everything I've tried hasn't kept them at bay), I want to try and air out some thoughts about the negative and hopefully reverse them into a positive I can carry through tomorrow and maybe the rest of the week.

I'll start by saying I have detractors. Maybe you think that word is too light, maybe you think that word is too harsh. Maybe you think that word is inaccurate, maybe you think I'm downplaying with that word or maybe you think that word is too aggressive, or maybe you think that word is too much, so substitute it for whatever term you would like to use. I have people who think of me negatively. I have people who carry negative feelings about me. I have people who have negative thoughts about me.

I don't know what their exact thoughts are, their exact feelings. For lack of a better term, I have no idea what their gripes with me are unless they tell me directly, and most of the people who have those negative feelings towards me want nothing to do with me including to let me know they have those negative views of me. (And, same thing for 'gripes' as 'detractors'. That word may not be what you think is apt to use. Substitute appropriately, with the adjustments you think are warranted.)

I may not know...but I can certainly make guesses. Because my biggest detractor is myself, and when I let my thoughts be fueled by my imposter syndrome, I start to think these negative things are true, that they are the reason I am such a sad pathetic human because they apply.

A not-complete, incomplete, partial list?
They might think I am a monster.
They might think I have done monstrous things.
They might think I am a sociopath.
They might think I am a psychopath.
They might think I am a narcissist.
They might think I am selfish.
They might think I am uncaring.
They might think I am incapable of true friendship.
They might think I lack mindfulness.
They might think I don't think of others.
They might think I'm apathetic.
They might think I'm incapable of caring.
They might think I'm unable to empathize.
They might think I'm unable to form deep meaningful bonds.
They might think I am a liar.
They might think I am dishonest with myself.
They might think I don't respect people.
They might think I don't respect boundaries.
They might think I can be a borderline stalker.
They might think I am obsessed with my image.
They might think everything good about me is an act.
They might think I am a Manipulator. (And to be fair, I am. I've played Mafia for nearly 18 years continuously, since I was 13 years old, and that deeply damaged me, because I can't not do it, even instinctively. All I can really do is harvest the Manipulation and try to do good with it, rather than selfishly using it for evil.)
They might think I am deranged.
They might think I am delusional.
They might think I make excuses for justifying bad behavior.
They might think I don't care.
They might think I am a pile of vitriol, filled with negative emotions.
They might think I don't understand. (And to be fair, I may not. If something isn't explained to me, I can only guess, and I probably guess wrong.)
They might think I'm incapable of doing good.
They might think I keep doing nothing but harm.
​They might think I shouldn't be around them or their spaces at all.
They might think I am needy.
They might think I am greedy.
They might think I am bitter.
They might think I am petty.
They might think I am meanspirited.
They might think I lovebomb people, out of a need to be loved.
They might think I condone terrible acts.
They might think I condone terrible people.
They might think I am remorseless.
They might think I have no regrets.
​They might think I'm all talk and have no actions to back it.
They might think I'm incapable of seeing my wrongdoing and knowing I was or am in the wrong.

For now, that's all I can really think of off the top of my head, but I'm sure if I focused on it, I could think of more. I'm sure none of my detractors think literally all of these, but all of my detractors think at least some of these, and probably more. (Like I said, it's guesswork.)

I want to reiterate they are valid for thinking so. They are right to believe that of me. Their thoughts and feelings towards me are not wrong. They are right, at least to them. They are valid. They are right to believe that. They have good reasons to, and regardless of whether those things are true, they are still not in the wrong for thinking and acting on those beliefs/feelings.

​Yet at the same time...

...I do not have to believe them of myself. I am not me at my worst. Maybe at my worst, my imposter syndrome is at least partially right that I am those things at least in part. Maybe. But I am not me at my worst.

I do care. Arguably too much. I can't stop caring. By God, it would be so much easier if I COULD stop caring, but I clearly can't.
I do know I have done wrong.
I constantly wonder/worry if I'm still doing wrong, but try my best to not. (Obviously, I could still be doing wrong, but I try my best on my own to not do wrong, and I really need others to help me there because I can only be so accurate in my judgements, I'm bound to have gotten things wrong without knowing despite trying.)
I do try my best to do the right thing.
I love people, perhaps too much. (God, if I didn't love the people I've hurt then it wouldn't hurt so much to know I hurt them.)

I'm not a monster.
I'm selfless to an unhealthy degree. I'm a people pleaser to the point where being selfish is something I almost am completely incapable of.

I befriend everyone I spend time about, and care about them. I learn about them, I try to help them.

I uplift people, or at least attempt to.

I remember things about them.

I try to follow boundaries and show everyone the care and respect they deserve.

I have people who are ride-or-die friends, who I would do anything for.

I am honest to a fault, sharing thoughts I maybe shouldn't.

My view of myself is so negative it is debilitating and crippling, not the inverse.

The good things about me aren't an act. They are my default self. They are who I am. They are the true me. I am who I am, and who I am is someone who has always cared, always loved, always tried her best, always aimed to help.

I am almost free of negative emotions. I have self-loathing and sadness, but direct no negative emotions to anyone else.

I am trying my best, always, to do the right thing. I am trying my best to pursue the path of greatest good, and to make the best possible difference in the world.

I know I have done wrong. I will carry the regrets from my wrongdoing for the rest of my life. I will spend the rest of my life trying to atone, and have learned from my mistakes. I try to avoid making new mistakes, and am applying things to try and make the most positive impact I can in the world. 

I am determined to let people know how wonderful and beautiful and talented they are, and to help uplift them and elevate them, even at the expense of myself.

I put others before myself, prioritizing their needs/wellbeing over my own.

Every day, I live to try and show it with every action I make.

​Maybe I am being too kind to myself in the rebuttal of those thoughts about myself. Maybe I am some of the things I try not to be. But maybe the imposter syndrome is being too harsh to myself. Maybe, just maybe, no matter how valid the complaints, no matter how valid the criticisms, I'm not defined by my worst self, I'm not defined by my mistakes, they aren't who I am, and I am instead defined by what I do and what I am most of the time.

Maybe, just maybe, I am a good person, who--despite my flaws, despite being imperfect, despite my mistakes--does good and who makes a positive impact in the world.

​I need to remember that and believe it.
I am trying my best.
I am certainly continuing to make mistakes, no doubt about it. (Heck if I know what those mistakes are, if I did I wouldn't have made them, would I?)
But I am still trying my best, and doing good.

I know those who are my detractors will likely never truly forgive me. They might say they will, but they never truly will. And that's okay. That's valid. If I'm not worthy of forgiveness to them, then I am not worthy. If they can't forgive me, then they can't forgive me. If they think I don't deserve forgiveness, then they shouldn't be forced to. If they think I deserve to be punished, then they can pursue attempting to get me punished.

That is valid. That is their right. That is their perspective, and their perspective is valid.
Their thoughts are to be validated and respected.
Their feelings deserve acknowledgement and to be honored.

​But, I need to forgive myself. I need to be enough as I am.

So let's pursue being enough as I am. Still pursuing being better than I am right now! But, still being good enough with me trying my best.

I hope that mindset is one I can spread to others, and to help build others up as well. Including any brave readers to read this start to finish.

Love you all.

​I'll do my best, and you will too.

Today is hovering at about a 3/10. Maybe even a 2/10. I'm pretty badly off rn, is what I mean.

I'm...feeling like not existing rn, tbh. Which is...always scary. I'm struggling hard to fight off "safe mode", but I can feel the likes of Michelle ready to wrap my in a protective shell because of the pain I'm in.

There's a lot going into it.

I was struggling with depression yesterday without a cause. It had no thoughts, it was just there. It seemed to be worse when I was out and about, so I was hoping today resting in my house would make things better.

It didn't.

It made it worse, and that's in part because of all of my thoughts today.

And it's a slough of bad.

The pain in lost friendships flared up big time. And the thoughts of it being justified. Me wondering about everything I have done wrong. Me wondering what I am continuing to do wrong. And it brings to mind thoughts of. "These people think their lives are better off without me in their life...so maybe I should give that to them."

And the way I would give that to them is...

...Well, I'm not going to beat around the bush. It was a suicidal thought. These people mean so much to me and I love them so much and they want nothing to do with me so why bother existing at all, if I stopped existing it'd be giving them what they apparently want from me.

And I know, I said I wouldn't blog on that subject anymore, but given my mindstate and my struggle to escape it today, I felt I had to.

It gets worse, too. I'm feeling like I'm failing across the board. I'm failing to engage in friends' streams. I'm failing to engage in the streams of safe spaces. I'm not successfully juggling streams. I'm not balancing my life.

I'm not really attending a watch party with my fiance and our close friend. I'm there, but not THERE there.

I'm feeling myself slipping.

Further and further down.

And it's scary.

And I'm terrified again.

And I'm just so worried I'm going to cave again.

I'm still spending too much. I'm slowly bleeding money. I had multiple tens of thousands saved up, and I'm down to only a small fraction of that, a few thousand, which is shrinking even more with every purchase I make.

I'm not eating properly.
I'm not staying on top of my meds or hygiene.
All the progress I've made, it's been washed away. I've regressed.

I'm not cleaning the apartment. It's a complete mess.

I'm not paying the bills. Bills that are likely overdue.

I'm not functioning at all.

I feel like I keep losing more and more of what matters.

And I am terrified.

I know I can talk to my fiance about it, and probably will if these feelings persist.

But I just feel like I am a failure right now.

I'm not streaming to my schedule.
I'm not doing work stuff I should.
I am not keeping the people who matter to me, and not showing them that they matter.
I am doing nothing which is good.

And I know.

A lot of that is the depression talking.

I know.

A lot of that is just the pain of loss.

I know.

A lot of that is fueled by the pain and sadness of only being human with a finite amount of time and energy and ability to focus on places.

​I can't be everywhere all at once.

So of course I'm going to have some losses.

But I'm still in a very deep pain.

And scared.

I have so much to live for.
I have so much to do.
I have a wonderful life going for me.
A beautiful, wonderful, amazing fiance, who is the best part of my world, and who sees me as the entirety of their world.
I made twitch affiliate, and have started to make a good discord from it.

I have many wonderful friends, friends who still love me and appreciate me and think that I am amazing and incredible.

I have such beautiful, wonderful ideas, ideas I want to make a reality because they never will be without me.

I have a grand ambition, to connect the people in various aspects of my life. From mafia to art to twitch, to build a space where all of them can connect.

I want to build a space for the plural folk across twitch to connect.

I want to build a community. A space of connectivity, of learning, of empathy, of love.

I want people to have that space, to vibe, to exist, and be brought together with others.

And I have a good start.

Literally last night I added twitch integration to my discord, albeit rudimentary.

I'm making all of those quality of life improvements and they are going to build into something amazing eventually if I keep up at it.

...I...

...am struggling to keep myself afloat by reminding myself of it all.

But it's hard.

The pain is there. It's strong. It's leaving me living in fear. Fear of loss, but also fear of myself. I ask myself every day, "what will I lose next", and then ask, "what loss will be the loss to cause me to finally cave to despair for good".

​I have good coping mechanisms.
I remember all of the advice from my spirit guides.

I should not put time/effort/energy into those who don't want it from me.
I should heal from the past.
I am enough as I am.
I do deserve good things.
I am worthy of love.
I am talented.

I can remain busy with my work.
It's okay to take time for myself.

Probably more, since I don't actually remember it all. But I remember the vast majority of it, and focusing on it is a survival mantra.

I am loved.
I am worthy of love.
I do good things.
I am good.
I am better than I know at helping others.
The advice I give to others applies to myself: I am loved by more than I know, I make an impact more than I will ever know, and deserve happiness.

I have a fiance, the love of my life, who is here to help me, support me, and love me, as I am. As good enough.

I can recognize these thoughts as thoughts born of a combination of depression and imposter syndrome. Knowing this, I can know that I am better than my head would have me believe.

Although altogether, that's what's keeping me from dipping into a 1/10 or 2/10, and can maybe elevate me to a 4/10.

So, today is a bad day. A painful day. A rough day. I keep asking myself what I should do, and I keep on coming up blank. I don't know.

But, I'll think of something. I'll survive.

​And I hope you can, too. <3

It's a bit of a "no thoughts head empty" kind of situation, where I sure do have things worth blogging about but when sitting down to blog, I can't think of what to say.

I'd rather make a nothingness blog than skip out on blogging though, so I guess I'll do my best.

I've fallen behind on working on my discord, but I did do a good amount of work. 

I have a need to clean tomorrow, desperately.

I need to cut back on spending.

But at the same time, I do look amazing in my new clothing.

My fiance is dyeing their hair black right now, and they look incredible for it.

It's left a mess they are a bit stressing out about, but it's okay, I am not concerned.

I need to get alerts set up for twitch, they're halfway there, just need to get them fully working.

I need to synchronize discord and twitch, so that my twitch emotes are available on my discord.

I have a lot to do.

But it's okay, I'm making progress.

Just need to finish the things, I guess.