...And I really don't like the implication.
So I realize people don't know much about tarot, and this is a specialized tarot deck.
But basically, for a three card spread, you can be dealing with "past, present future", "problem, obstacle, solution", or "thoughts, feelings/emotions, action".
I can tell which cards are calling to me when I pull them out.
I can also tell which of the three types it is when looking at them. Seleste might have only fully manifested within the last couple of weeks, but she's a very strong witch attuned to our higher self and she's very talented. So, she's very good at instinctively reading what the cards say and interpreting them.
This reading, for today, was the thoughts/feelings/actions type. Ten of Strength is, in this deck, a card about speaking your thoughts, basically, affirming I should be self-advocating for myself.
Ace of Wisdom is, in this deck, a card about loving myself and healing my emotions.
And Eight of Wisdom is, in this deck, a card about finding a path out of past pain and knowing something better awaits.
Altogether, the cards are basically affirming, "Hey. You deserve better than what you are being treated for", essentially.
Which is loosely what Danielle has been saying.
And I don't like it when Danielle is closer to being right, because I don't know how to move forward without her more toxic verbiage taking over.
Like...I can't exactly say, "Hey. I made a mistake, but you are making one now. My actions might deserve consequences, but they don't deserve the consequences you have assigned them, and you are going to regret having assigned those consequences later."
Like...I know how entitled that is. I know how privileged that would be. I know how much that sounds like I am not mindful of myself. I know how that sounds like I didn't grow. I know how that sounds like I didn't learn. I know how that sounds like I have no idea the scope of my actions. I know how that sounds like how I have no remorse, no regret, no understanding of the problems I caused and why they carried consequences.
So like...I can't just say it. There is probably a way to convey that sentiment in the conceptual form where I'm not saying something bad, and violating the above. But like...I don't know how to, the only way I know how to is the above, which is harmful and something that would only renew the hurt.
I know what I did was wrong. I know the full scope of how harmful it was. I know the full pain it caused. I know the problematic nature of what I did. I know that actions have consequences, and mine carry severe consequences for severe harm. I know I messed up, and intentions don't matter, the results do and they were harmful.
I know that having the wrong words is harmful, that even if the sentiment is correct that using the wrong words for it is still harmful, and that I used the wrong words.
I know that I have much to atone for.
I know the hurt I caused won't magically go away.
I know the harm I caused can never cause things to go back to the way they were before.
I know that I was in the wrong.
I know I deeply hurt people and demonstrated a complete lack of mindfulness.
I know I've no way to prove I've changed.
I know I've no way to demonstrate with my actions I am not who I was when I made the mistakes mid-2023.
I know all of that.
I know that I have a lot of work to do to consistently do better, and the dangers behind thinking I am doing better.
I know the harm which can come from dismissing what I did in the past.
I know the harm which comes from thinking I have conquered my demons.
I know my perspective doesn't matter.
I know what other people go through is the most important thing--that their perspective, their pain, their hurt, is the most important.
But, all of this doesn't mean good will come from me being cut out as I was. I don't like that Danielle has a point there, but the cards are literally calling me out and saying she does. I might not know what consequences I deserve, but I know the consequences I was given are not going to do anyone good.
They aren't going to do me any good--I had already learned I had made a mistake and was lamenting it for months, behind closed doors, and trying my hardest to find a way to atone. I was doing the work to better myself already, so what happened won't do me any good.
And I don't think they will do anyone else any good--they're hurting and in pain, and need space, but I genuinely feel they will gain regrets later on and realize what they did wasn't for the good, wasn't for the betterment of anyone, all it did was extend the duration of the harm and give them all a longer period of hurt than they would have otherwise had. They might have lifelong regrets born from having done what they did, and I have lifelong regrets from what I did, so doing what they have isn't the consequences I deserve.
Like...yeah. I know I deserve consequences. But if my consequences are going to cause harm and pain and extend the period of hurt others go through...then that's not the consequences I deserve. I don't know what consequences I do deserve. I already am living with my regrets, and I know that's probably not enough. Like, me living with the consequences is something that isn't tangible or objective or provable or anything that feels like it's enough. But, I feel like cutting me off wasn't the consequences deserved, either. There has to be a middle ground between the two, something where I face accountability but in a way which doesn't hurt people.
I dunno, just rambling right now.
I don't want to be entitled. I don't want to be narcissistic. I don't want to be privileged. I don't want an inflated sense of self-worth. I don't want to make myself be more important or relevant than I am. I don't want to downplay others. I don't want to invalidate others. I don't want to remove agency from anyone. I don't want to be any kind of god making decisions. I don't want to seem holier-than-thou. I don't want to seem more enlightened or snobby or anything like that. I don't want to pressure anyone. I don't want to make others be lesser in any way shape or form, especially lesser than myself.
I just want the best for everyone.
I just want them to heal.
I just want for me to cause no more harm, no more pain, and for the hurt I already caused to be healthily healed.
And...well. Basically. I don't think that the current way where I do nothing at all is going to lead to that. I don't think it's the best for anyone, or will heal anyone. Yet...how could I possibly express that in a way which isn't doing the things I don't want to be? I can't see a way where I would. All I can see is how I would hurt them more by trying.
It's something I need to figure out. I have more resources now than I had before. I know my fiance wants to help--and I have told them, so it's just a matter of expressing myself.
But I dunno.
I just, question everything now.
And I don't know what is good and what isn't now.
Like...yesterday's blog...was it a mistake that will cause further harm?
Is today's blog a mistake that will cause further harm?
I don't know.
I'm trying my best, and I know the cards are right, but how can I follow them without doing it Danielle's way? Danielle's way is wrong and hurtful, despite its well-intentioned nature. There has to be a way, but I don't have it yet.
I want to do better.
I want to help others, better than ever before. To uplift, to be that voice of joy and positivity. And I know I do good already, but I don't think I will ever be the best I can be at doing that while I have this in my sphere. Yet, I don't want to make another big mistake. I don't want to make things even worse. I don't want to violate any boundaries. A friend was right when they said there's nothing I can do to heal the pain of those who I have hurt; only they can.
So, I don't want to continue trying to do what I can't, and try and mend the damage I myself caused. That's an impossible task. Yet at the same time, I don't think doing nothing is right, either. I don't want to take actions trying the impossible and only causing more harm, but I feel it that doing nothing wouldn't be right, either.
So, if doing nothing is the wrong path, but trying to do the impossible and fix the harm myself is also wrong...what's the right thing to do? I don't know, but I feel like that's what I need to find. A way to do something which isn't trying to do what can't be done.
Let's hope I can figure it out sooner rather than later.
But basically, for a three card spread, you can be dealing with "past, present future", "problem, obstacle, solution", or "thoughts, feelings/emotions, action".
I can tell which cards are calling to me when I pull them out.
I can also tell which of the three types it is when looking at them. Seleste might have only fully manifested within the last couple of weeks, but she's a very strong witch attuned to our higher self and she's very talented. So, she's very good at instinctively reading what the cards say and interpreting them.
This reading, for today, was the thoughts/feelings/actions type. Ten of Strength is, in this deck, a card about speaking your thoughts, basically, affirming I should be self-advocating for myself.
Ace of Wisdom is, in this deck, a card about loving myself and healing my emotions.
And Eight of Wisdom is, in this deck, a card about finding a path out of past pain and knowing something better awaits.
Altogether, the cards are basically affirming, "Hey. You deserve better than what you are being treated for", essentially.
Which is loosely what Danielle has been saying.
And I don't like it when Danielle is closer to being right, because I don't know how to move forward without her more toxic verbiage taking over.
Like...I can't exactly say, "Hey. I made a mistake, but you are making one now. My actions might deserve consequences, but they don't deserve the consequences you have assigned them, and you are going to regret having assigned those consequences later."
Like...I know how entitled that is. I know how privileged that would be. I know how much that sounds like I am not mindful of myself. I know how that sounds like I didn't grow. I know how that sounds like I didn't learn. I know how that sounds like I have no idea the scope of my actions. I know how that sounds like how I have no remorse, no regret, no understanding of the problems I caused and why they carried consequences.
So like...I can't just say it. There is probably a way to convey that sentiment in the conceptual form where I'm not saying something bad, and violating the above. But like...I don't know how to, the only way I know how to is the above, which is harmful and something that would only renew the hurt.
I know what I did was wrong. I know the full scope of how harmful it was. I know the full pain it caused. I know the problematic nature of what I did. I know that actions have consequences, and mine carry severe consequences for severe harm. I know I messed up, and intentions don't matter, the results do and they were harmful.
I know that having the wrong words is harmful, that even if the sentiment is correct that using the wrong words for it is still harmful, and that I used the wrong words.
I know that I have much to atone for.
I know the hurt I caused won't magically go away.
I know the harm I caused can never cause things to go back to the way they were before.
I know that I was in the wrong.
I know I deeply hurt people and demonstrated a complete lack of mindfulness.
I know I've no way to prove I've changed.
I know I've no way to demonstrate with my actions I am not who I was when I made the mistakes mid-2023.
I know all of that.
I know that I have a lot of work to do to consistently do better, and the dangers behind thinking I am doing better.
I know the harm which can come from dismissing what I did in the past.
I know the harm which comes from thinking I have conquered my demons.
I know my perspective doesn't matter.
I know what other people go through is the most important thing--that their perspective, their pain, their hurt, is the most important.
But, all of this doesn't mean good will come from me being cut out as I was. I don't like that Danielle has a point there, but the cards are literally calling me out and saying she does. I might not know what consequences I deserve, but I know the consequences I was given are not going to do anyone good.
They aren't going to do me any good--I had already learned I had made a mistake and was lamenting it for months, behind closed doors, and trying my hardest to find a way to atone. I was doing the work to better myself already, so what happened won't do me any good.
And I don't think they will do anyone else any good--they're hurting and in pain, and need space, but I genuinely feel they will gain regrets later on and realize what they did wasn't for the good, wasn't for the betterment of anyone, all it did was extend the duration of the harm and give them all a longer period of hurt than they would have otherwise had. They might have lifelong regrets born from having done what they did, and I have lifelong regrets from what I did, so doing what they have isn't the consequences I deserve.
Like...yeah. I know I deserve consequences. But if my consequences are going to cause harm and pain and extend the period of hurt others go through...then that's not the consequences I deserve. I don't know what consequences I do deserve. I already am living with my regrets, and I know that's probably not enough. Like, me living with the consequences is something that isn't tangible or objective or provable or anything that feels like it's enough. But, I feel like cutting me off wasn't the consequences deserved, either. There has to be a middle ground between the two, something where I face accountability but in a way which doesn't hurt people.
I dunno, just rambling right now.
I don't want to be entitled. I don't want to be narcissistic. I don't want to be privileged. I don't want an inflated sense of self-worth. I don't want to make myself be more important or relevant than I am. I don't want to downplay others. I don't want to invalidate others. I don't want to remove agency from anyone. I don't want to be any kind of god making decisions. I don't want to seem holier-than-thou. I don't want to seem more enlightened or snobby or anything like that. I don't want to pressure anyone. I don't want to make others be lesser in any way shape or form, especially lesser than myself.
I just want the best for everyone.
I just want them to heal.
I just want for me to cause no more harm, no more pain, and for the hurt I already caused to be healthily healed.
And...well. Basically. I don't think that the current way where I do nothing at all is going to lead to that. I don't think it's the best for anyone, or will heal anyone. Yet...how could I possibly express that in a way which isn't doing the things I don't want to be? I can't see a way where I would. All I can see is how I would hurt them more by trying.
It's something I need to figure out. I have more resources now than I had before. I know my fiance wants to help--and I have told them, so it's just a matter of expressing myself.
But I dunno.
I just, question everything now.
And I don't know what is good and what isn't now.
Like...yesterday's blog...was it a mistake that will cause further harm?
Is today's blog a mistake that will cause further harm?
I don't know.
I'm trying my best, and I know the cards are right, but how can I follow them without doing it Danielle's way? Danielle's way is wrong and hurtful, despite its well-intentioned nature. There has to be a way, but I don't have it yet.
I want to do better.
I want to help others, better than ever before. To uplift, to be that voice of joy and positivity. And I know I do good already, but I don't think I will ever be the best I can be at doing that while I have this in my sphere. Yet, I don't want to make another big mistake. I don't want to make things even worse. I don't want to violate any boundaries. A friend was right when they said there's nothing I can do to heal the pain of those who I have hurt; only they can.
So, I don't want to continue trying to do what I can't, and try and mend the damage I myself caused. That's an impossible task. Yet at the same time, I don't think doing nothing is right, either. I don't want to take actions trying the impossible and only causing more harm, but I feel it that doing nothing wouldn't be right, either.
So, if doing nothing is the wrong path, but trying to do the impossible and fix the harm myself is also wrong...what's the right thing to do? I don't know, but I feel like that's what I need to find. A way to do something which isn't trying to do what can't be done.
Let's hope I can figure it out sooner rather than later.
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