Danielle is back.

And I am terrified by her thoughts.

She is spewing venom filled with vitriol towards those that don’t deserve it.

She may make some harsh points, points which the targets might even agree with--but I can’t ever let her express those thoughts laced with anger.

She has my best interests in mind. Including advocating for me. But I dare not repeat what she says, not even in distilled form. I’m too scared to even write it in my private diary.

I want her thoughts to just fade away. I want her anger to dissipate. I am ashamed that some part of me wanted to express itself enough to give her that much power and energy, when I know all she will do is bring further harm.

I know that I need to keep seeing things from other people's perspective. I know I need to keep showing understanding and respect to everyone. I know healing requires me to not keep trying to intervene and say more. 

There’s a couple of things I don’t know. Namely, two mutually exclusive requests, which I don’t know how to really ask about. If the boundary of minimal interaction supersedes the desire for me to share my problems, namely.

I have plenty of problems I'd love to share, this blog only touching on the surface of them all. 

But at the same time, I don’t want to overshare. I don’t want to pressure them. I don’t want to make the mistake of believing we're closer than we are. I don’t want to violate their space, their peace, their life, by intruding with mine.

Now, that attitude is what landed me in trouble in the first place. But it was different circumstances back then. Whereas not sharing previously felt like the mistake, here sharing feels like it’d be the mistake, I guess.

But I dunno, I’m rambling. Sorry.

I should be working. It’s...difficult. 

Work is bringing out the pain.

I’m sorry for everything.

I hope one day I will be good enough.

I hope one day, I can be worthy of being welcomed.

I know I’m not.

And I know I can’t make things better.

But, I will always be here.

I know I might need to take proactive action, cautiously to avoid making things worse, but mostly I know I should just say this;
I will always be here, around to talk, around to be reached for, when you want or need me.

I'll always be there for you.

With love.