So I recently, at request, got some feedback. I got an called arrogant, self-congratulatory, ego-stroker who thinks highly of themselves...
...While also being a hypocrite and showing humbleness and humility, who fishes for compliments.
In their credit? They acknowledged that they're a bit of a jerk who is making judgements about me without knowing me, and that I likely have complex, competing emotions/feelings leading to the mixed message.
Oh. And they're not exactly wrong, either. That, too. They're actually pretty dead-on about some of those elements, in fact. In particular, the competing bit. Because simply put...that is me. I'm...a bit of a mess, a whirlwind of emotions. It's so complicated and contrived that I'm not sure I can explain it.
...Actually, that's a lie. I can explain anything. What I mean is...I'm not sure I can explain it with it being the truth. Why not? What could be so hard about the truth? Everything. Especially when it comes to flaws about you. It can be very, very hard to face the flaws about you. And while I'd like to think that I'm good at doing that...am I really? Because it goes beyond just conscious effort. Telling a conscious lie is something that I can avoid with a little effort.
...But on this subject? On the subject of me, of who I am, of all the intricacies and flaws involved...I lie to myself without even knowing I've told a lie. Thus, why I doubt that I can really ever give a truthful explanation of it. I'm just...not really sure of myself. Even if I tell the truth, as I see it, how much is that truth exaggerated? How much does my perception distort the reality to become a fiction?
It's a bit philosophical, I suppose, but...I really, really want to give a truthful answer, and have that answer not be an excuse, not be an exaggeration, not be a lie. I want to pin down the elements of the spiral and go over them, bit by bit, analysis by analysis, to help define me...but I'm not sure I have the skill required. That person who doesn't know me very well at all did a better job of cutting to the heart of the problem in their harsh words than I could have in years of self-reflection. Mind you, I don't think they're fully accurate, but again...I'm not sure how I can say where they're right and where they're wrong with it being entirely objective and true, rather than subjective, defensive lies I tell myself to cover up the flaw.
Yet...I'll try anyway. I've definitely had moments of arrogance before. If I had to guess, it'd be a bit of the manic side of my bipolar disorder going to work. That feeling of being all high, mighty, and in control of the world...I have tasted it, and it feels great. To be in a position where you feel yourself infallible...that can only be called arrogance, and I've had that in my past for sure. I've felt invincible, that I could not be beaten, that I was in the right for sure. But I thought I had put that in my past.
Now I'm not as sure anymore. I'm trying to think where it could be, and I'm thinking, "maybe there?", and then it goes, "but that can't be true arrogance, right?" Well...I think I've gotten a better answer, now. No, it is not the arrogance displayed above...but there are degrees of arrogance. Just because I don't feel like the absolute master of everything doesn't mean I can be overconfident in my ability to solve an issue. I'm stubborn. I don't like to be wrong. I don't like to lose. I don't like relying on others when problemsolving, preferring my own methodology no matter how contrived it may be. So it's there...and not just occasionally. All the time.
Of course, I know why I am self-congratulatory. It's because it's a self-defense mechanism. It's very, very easy to get myself down, especially in light of the above. What happens when I feel invincible, only to fall down from my pedestal? I get hurt...very, very badly. My confidence, my emotions, my everything takes a hit as I sink realizing just how human I am. I fall into a pit...and the only way I can climb out, the way that I've taught myself to fight back that steep depression (the depressed half of the manic side kicking in) is to BE self-congratulatory, even if it's a lie. Even if I'm fooling myself, even though I'm living in denial about this flaw, about my failings, I try to say to myself, "It wasn't that bad, you're still an okay person, in fact you'd be great if this was slightly different!"
...But that leads to the very, very negative ego-stroking. Of course I only have the best of intentions...but the best intentions does not a good action make. My intentions might start as noble enough (nobody should have to be consistently low, nobody should consistently have to be in the gutters, nobody should feel that down all the time, and it is our right to find happiness), but they're easily morphed and distorted. What starts as something to keep me from feeling too hurt, too painful, too badly about something, can turn into a twisted memory of events specifically so that I'm favorable in there, to appease my ego, to make me happy rather than sad...which can be particularly bad if the painful thing is something I SHOULD be feeling yet am pushing away. (As an example, if I hurt someone, it'd be painful for me to admit it. I can hide behind ego-stroking to avoid getting hurt...but the pain from having hurt someone is a pain I should feel, so any attempt to push the pain away is bad.)
Obviously, I don't think highly of myself all the time (this blog would be proof enough of that)...but there's certainly moments of it, littered throughout. I can often even be callous and deliberately-ignorant. As just one example...instead of talking about this, today, what if instead I simply talked about Heroes of the Realm? What if I pushed the comment aside and pretended it never existed? No harm done, right? Except there would be harm done. By lying to myself, I'd be hurting myself without knowing it, because my awareness of my flaws would decrease, lessening my ability to fix them.
...Well, as much as flaws can be fixed. 'Manage' would probably be the much better word for it. Conscious effort to be looking at them and trying to keep them from holding as much influence as they do should be my goal, and whenever I lie, I remove that.
As for the fishing-for-compliments bit...well, that's the bit that I'm most unsure of on my honesty. I really can't tell how much is true and how much is false. On the one hand...when you read what I write, I think you can tell that I am telling you my thoughts, very, very directly. The thoughts are very real. So if I say I'm feeling bad...I'm feeling bad. If I say that I don't think I'm good...then I mean that I don't think I'm good. That doesn't mean I'm not. I could be lying to myself, especially if I'm depressed.
Yet in my very last blog post, I explicitly noted that, yes...I do seek company, I DO seek people talking to me, I DO seek comments to reassure me. I'm not sure why, but...I like to be acknowledged. I'd never deliberately lie. But all the time, my mind is probably playing it up, for whatever various reason. I want to be told I'm better than I am. I tell it to myself all the time. At the same time, I want to avoid letting my flaws take control.
It's all so...well, so confusing. Sometimes, I wish you could see my face when I'm writing this. Most of the time, it's nothing special. I generally mouth the words that I'm typing as I type them (in fact, I'm doing so right now), I might smile or laugh at things I find amusing, but when doing the above, I basically paused in my typing to do a modified facepalm, a weird hybrid between that and the gripping-chin gesture. Where my right hand makes an L with my index and thumb fingers, with the other three spreading out, and then dropping down from my forehead to cover my eyes and nose. (It's...not easy to describe.)
That, by the way, is also my frustration gesture. Which I do plenty of. (Heck, I did a ton of it when typing yesterday's blog.) It's a...feeling between feelings, that the English language has no words for. A build-up of negativity waiting for a vent to go through, I suppose you could say, but almost never does it leak out with volatility. Trying to find the words to express myself is a struggle, and I think that 'struggle' is the word I'd describe the emotion as.
...Struggle's not an emotion?
...Well, maybe not in the English language. But I think that word IS the emotion that I'm talking about. So I'm making it an emotion right here and now. When I face these things, I feel struggle. When trying to vocalize my thoughts, it's a struggle. Not quite confusion, not quite frustration as we know it, but a struggle. This probably makes no sense, but...it's what I go through most.
...While also being a hypocrite and showing humbleness and humility, who fishes for compliments.
In their credit? They acknowledged that they're a bit of a jerk who is making judgements about me without knowing me, and that I likely have complex, competing emotions/feelings leading to the mixed message.
Oh. And they're not exactly wrong, either. That, too. They're actually pretty dead-on about some of those elements, in fact. In particular, the competing bit. Because simply put...that is me. I'm...a bit of a mess, a whirlwind of emotions. It's so complicated and contrived that I'm not sure I can explain it.
...Actually, that's a lie. I can explain anything. What I mean is...I'm not sure I can explain it with it being the truth. Why not? What could be so hard about the truth? Everything. Especially when it comes to flaws about you. It can be very, very hard to face the flaws about you. And while I'd like to think that I'm good at doing that...am I really? Because it goes beyond just conscious effort. Telling a conscious lie is something that I can avoid with a little effort.
...But on this subject? On the subject of me, of who I am, of all the intricacies and flaws involved...I lie to myself without even knowing I've told a lie. Thus, why I doubt that I can really ever give a truthful explanation of it. I'm just...not really sure of myself. Even if I tell the truth, as I see it, how much is that truth exaggerated? How much does my perception distort the reality to become a fiction?
It's a bit philosophical, I suppose, but...I really, really want to give a truthful answer, and have that answer not be an excuse, not be an exaggeration, not be a lie. I want to pin down the elements of the spiral and go over them, bit by bit, analysis by analysis, to help define me...but I'm not sure I have the skill required. That person who doesn't know me very well at all did a better job of cutting to the heart of the problem in their harsh words than I could have in years of self-reflection. Mind you, I don't think they're fully accurate, but again...I'm not sure how I can say where they're right and where they're wrong with it being entirely objective and true, rather than subjective, defensive lies I tell myself to cover up the flaw.
Yet...I'll try anyway. I've definitely had moments of arrogance before. If I had to guess, it'd be a bit of the manic side of my bipolar disorder going to work. That feeling of being all high, mighty, and in control of the world...I have tasted it, and it feels great. To be in a position where you feel yourself infallible...that can only be called arrogance, and I've had that in my past for sure. I've felt invincible, that I could not be beaten, that I was in the right for sure. But I thought I had put that in my past.
Now I'm not as sure anymore. I'm trying to think where it could be, and I'm thinking, "maybe there?", and then it goes, "but that can't be true arrogance, right?" Well...I think I've gotten a better answer, now. No, it is not the arrogance displayed above...but there are degrees of arrogance. Just because I don't feel like the absolute master of everything doesn't mean I can be overconfident in my ability to solve an issue. I'm stubborn. I don't like to be wrong. I don't like to lose. I don't like relying on others when problemsolving, preferring my own methodology no matter how contrived it may be. So it's there...and not just occasionally. All the time.
Of course, I know why I am self-congratulatory. It's because it's a self-defense mechanism. It's very, very easy to get myself down, especially in light of the above. What happens when I feel invincible, only to fall down from my pedestal? I get hurt...very, very badly. My confidence, my emotions, my everything takes a hit as I sink realizing just how human I am. I fall into a pit...and the only way I can climb out, the way that I've taught myself to fight back that steep depression (the depressed half of the manic side kicking in) is to BE self-congratulatory, even if it's a lie. Even if I'm fooling myself, even though I'm living in denial about this flaw, about my failings, I try to say to myself, "It wasn't that bad, you're still an okay person, in fact you'd be great if this was slightly different!"
...But that leads to the very, very negative ego-stroking. Of course I only have the best of intentions...but the best intentions does not a good action make. My intentions might start as noble enough (nobody should have to be consistently low, nobody should consistently have to be in the gutters, nobody should feel that down all the time, and it is our right to find happiness), but they're easily morphed and distorted. What starts as something to keep me from feeling too hurt, too painful, too badly about something, can turn into a twisted memory of events specifically so that I'm favorable in there, to appease my ego, to make me happy rather than sad...which can be particularly bad if the painful thing is something I SHOULD be feeling yet am pushing away. (As an example, if I hurt someone, it'd be painful for me to admit it. I can hide behind ego-stroking to avoid getting hurt...but the pain from having hurt someone is a pain I should feel, so any attempt to push the pain away is bad.)
Obviously, I don't think highly of myself all the time (this blog would be proof enough of that)...but there's certainly moments of it, littered throughout. I can often even be callous and deliberately-ignorant. As just one example...instead of talking about this, today, what if instead I simply talked about Heroes of the Realm? What if I pushed the comment aside and pretended it never existed? No harm done, right? Except there would be harm done. By lying to myself, I'd be hurting myself without knowing it, because my awareness of my flaws would decrease, lessening my ability to fix them.
...Well, as much as flaws can be fixed. 'Manage' would probably be the much better word for it. Conscious effort to be looking at them and trying to keep them from holding as much influence as they do should be my goal, and whenever I lie, I remove that.
As for the fishing-for-compliments bit...well, that's the bit that I'm most unsure of on my honesty. I really can't tell how much is true and how much is false. On the one hand...when you read what I write, I think you can tell that I am telling you my thoughts, very, very directly. The thoughts are very real. So if I say I'm feeling bad...I'm feeling bad. If I say that I don't think I'm good...then I mean that I don't think I'm good. That doesn't mean I'm not. I could be lying to myself, especially if I'm depressed.
Yet in my very last blog post, I explicitly noted that, yes...I do seek company, I DO seek people talking to me, I DO seek comments to reassure me. I'm not sure why, but...I like to be acknowledged. I'd never deliberately lie. But all the time, my mind is probably playing it up, for whatever various reason. I want to be told I'm better than I am. I tell it to myself all the time. At the same time, I want to avoid letting my flaws take control.
It's all so...well, so confusing. Sometimes, I wish you could see my face when I'm writing this. Most of the time, it's nothing special. I generally mouth the words that I'm typing as I type them (in fact, I'm doing so right now), I might smile or laugh at things I find amusing, but when doing the above, I basically paused in my typing to do a modified facepalm, a weird hybrid between that and the gripping-chin gesture. Where my right hand makes an L with my index and thumb fingers, with the other three spreading out, and then dropping down from my forehead to cover my eyes and nose. (It's...not easy to describe.)
That, by the way, is also my frustration gesture. Which I do plenty of. (Heck, I did a ton of it when typing yesterday's blog.) It's a...feeling between feelings, that the English language has no words for. A build-up of negativity waiting for a vent to go through, I suppose you could say, but almost never does it leak out with volatility. Trying to find the words to express myself is a struggle, and I think that 'struggle' is the word I'd describe the emotion as.
...Struggle's not an emotion?
...Well, maybe not in the English language. But I think that word IS the emotion that I'm talking about. So I'm making it an emotion right here and now. When I face these things, I feel struggle. When trying to vocalize my thoughts, it's a struggle. Not quite confusion, not quite frustration as we know it, but a struggle. This probably makes no sense, but...it's what I go through most.
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