All Too Human
All Too Human
  • Blog
  • Red Hood Rider

Rambles, Rants, and Musings

Continuing news: not great.

7/2/2016

0 Comments

 
I know it's not much of an update, but it's at least something. Basically, I let out a sigh in real life. I put my head down to my left palm, closed my eyes, and just sat there for a second. The one and only thought that came to me? Literally, my inner voice shouting, "What is it that I want to do?!?"

And I don't have an answer. I'm frozen in nothingness. It's not that I have nothing to do. I have every option in the world. Thoughts of reviving my presence on movie night, something I haven't done in half a year by now. They'd certainly appreciate my presence, and at 5:20 PM (the time I'm writing this), they probably just started, too. Working on the game I'm building is there, too.

Also present? Continuing to read IS, though my thoughts there are conflicting: could it help me become more emotionally stable, or would reading it only make my emotional state worse? (Gotta give credit where credit's due: only the most powerful pieces of fictional work are such that reading them will stir up very strong emotions within me.)

Just the tip of the iceberg. Follow through on job leads. Go play games. Work on my writing. Work on my webcomic. All this, and more. All of those options exist. Yet at the same time...I feel none of them do. It's not the normal indecisiveness I normally feel. That is a debilitating problem I face, yes. But it's not the problem I'm having right now.

I can't properly describe how it's different. The only way to know would be to be me. There's no words for this difference. And in this case, no experiences I can relate it to, like "if you were trans you would know", nothing like that at all. This is one of the first times I can say there is quite literally no way to know the difference between indecisiveness and this except by being me, because to me, they feel different and there's absolutely no way I can describe it except telling that they are, somehow, not the same.

So instead of being frozen on a diverging path where there are multiple things I can do, instead of being paralyzed by indecision, this is...instead, this is more being frozen in a moment where there's nothing that I can actually feel. If I knew how to explain that, I would. But these are my words, limited as they may be. I'm typing out my thoughts as I am making them, so you're getting me as unfiltered as I can get right now.

I have nothing more to say. My thoughts have dead-ended for now. If they resume, I'll tell you, but...they're not. Not right now. Maybe that's an explanation in of itself, I suppose. I see where each road leads: a city. But the bridges on each path are washed out, making the venture to any seem...impossible. That's not adequate explanation. It's not perfect, not accurate. But it's the best I've got to offer you.
0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    rangerbreenew

    Just your average blogger.
    ​
    Twitter
    ​TikTok

    Archives

    January 2021
    December 2020
    August 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014

    Categories

    All
    Art
    Autism
    Dancing
    Depression
    Dream
    Family Night
    Games
    Gender Dysphoria
    Health
    Love
    Misophonia
    Past Midnight
    Phyrra And Cyrus
    Plural
    Ramble
    Red Hood Rider
    Religion
    Rider
    Rubyverse
    Saturdays
    School
    Sleep
    Song
    Story
    Sundays
    Tae Kwon Do
    Trans
    Work

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.