I know it's not much of an update, but it's at least something. Basically, I let out a sigh in real life. I put my head down to my left palm, closed my eyes, and just sat there for a second. The one and only thought that came to me? Literally, my inner voice shouting, "What is it that I want to do?!?"
And I don't have an answer. I'm frozen in nothingness. It's not that I have nothing to do. I have every option in the world. Thoughts of reviving my presence on movie night, something I haven't done in half a year by now. They'd certainly appreciate my presence, and at 5:20 PM (the time I'm writing this), they probably just started, too. Working on the game I'm building is there, too.
Also present? Continuing to read IS, though my thoughts there are conflicting: could it help me become more emotionally stable, or would reading it only make my emotional state worse? (Gotta give credit where credit's due: only the most powerful pieces of fictional work are such that reading them will stir up very strong emotions within me.)
Just the tip of the iceberg. Follow through on job leads. Go play games. Work on my writing. Work on my webcomic. All this, and more. All of those options exist. Yet at the same time...I feel none of them do. It's not the normal indecisiveness I normally feel. That is a debilitating problem I face, yes. But it's not the problem I'm having right now.
I can't properly describe how it's different. The only way to know would be to be me. There's no words for this difference. And in this case, no experiences I can relate it to, like "if you were trans you would know", nothing like that at all. This is one of the first times I can say there is quite literally no way to know the difference between indecisiveness and this except by being me, because to me, they feel different and there's absolutely no way I can describe it except telling that they are, somehow, not the same.
So instead of being frozen on a diverging path where there are multiple things I can do, instead of being paralyzed by indecision, this is...instead, this is more being frozen in a moment where there's nothing that I can actually feel. If I knew how to explain that, I would. But these are my words, limited as they may be. I'm typing out my thoughts as I am making them, so you're getting me as unfiltered as I can get right now.
I have nothing more to say. My thoughts have dead-ended for now. If they resume, I'll tell you, but...they're not. Not right now. Maybe that's an explanation in of itself, I suppose. I see where each road leads: a city. But the bridges on each path are washed out, making the venture to any seem...impossible. That's not adequate explanation. It's not perfect, not accurate. But it's the best I've got to offer you.
And I don't have an answer. I'm frozen in nothingness. It's not that I have nothing to do. I have every option in the world. Thoughts of reviving my presence on movie night, something I haven't done in half a year by now. They'd certainly appreciate my presence, and at 5:20 PM (the time I'm writing this), they probably just started, too. Working on the game I'm building is there, too.
Also present? Continuing to read IS, though my thoughts there are conflicting: could it help me become more emotionally stable, or would reading it only make my emotional state worse? (Gotta give credit where credit's due: only the most powerful pieces of fictional work are such that reading them will stir up very strong emotions within me.)
Just the tip of the iceberg. Follow through on job leads. Go play games. Work on my writing. Work on my webcomic. All this, and more. All of those options exist. Yet at the same time...I feel none of them do. It's not the normal indecisiveness I normally feel. That is a debilitating problem I face, yes. But it's not the problem I'm having right now.
I can't properly describe how it's different. The only way to know would be to be me. There's no words for this difference. And in this case, no experiences I can relate it to, like "if you were trans you would know", nothing like that at all. This is one of the first times I can say there is quite literally no way to know the difference between indecisiveness and this except by being me, because to me, they feel different and there's absolutely no way I can describe it except telling that they are, somehow, not the same.
So instead of being frozen on a diverging path where there are multiple things I can do, instead of being paralyzed by indecision, this is...instead, this is more being frozen in a moment where there's nothing that I can actually feel. If I knew how to explain that, I would. But these are my words, limited as they may be. I'm typing out my thoughts as I am making them, so you're getting me as unfiltered as I can get right now.
I have nothing more to say. My thoughts have dead-ended for now. If they resume, I'll tell you, but...they're not. Not right now. Maybe that's an explanation in of itself, I suppose. I see where each road leads: a city. But the bridges on each path are washed out, making the venture to any seem...impossible. That's not adequate explanation. It's not perfect, not accurate. But it's the best I've got to offer you.
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