So today, I had for the first time in quite a while a bit of a dysphoric attack. It was...understandably not very fun to feel.
See, I was taking a shower. Now, mind you, I didn't get much sleep last night (less than three, I think), so exhaustion certainly played a part here, too, but the exhaustion wasn't the problem. Just the trigger for it.
Because when I was taking the shower...I couldn't stand up for very long. My thoughts were overwhelmed with all the things that I want that may never be, all the issues in my life relating to it, everything. In that moment, I was vulnerable, weak, and would have cried if I was able to.
I was...kinda shutting down. So what did I do? I turned the shower into a bath by plugging the drain, and then just curling up in a fetal position and letting the water wash over me. I never recovered. I take hour-plus-long showers, yet under normal circumstances, I wash my hair, apply shampoo, wash it out, apply conditioner, and wash that out, too. Today, I just...sat there.
I just couldn't do anything. I froze up. Because the thoughts I was having were too painful, my body was feeling too many emotions, it's...well, I'm not doing the description of the experience justice. If I was, you'd know what I was talking about, that I mean it when I say that it was a seriously bad experience for me, to feel so...powerless and hopeless as I simply...laid there.
I've described before how I have a mental image of me being a young little girl curled up in a ball in the corner of a room before...and this is just about as close as physically possible for that to come incarnate, for it to exist in the real world. Because that's basically exactly what I did. I felt pain, confusion, and dread...so much negativity, and all I could do was let it wash over me and hope, pray, that the feelings would go away.
They...didn't. I had to stop my shower because I ran out of hot water, not because I was ready for it to end. I considered laying there in the water for much longer, too, but I knew that no hot water meant at least an hour had passed. Turned out it was an hour and a half. Most of that time spent on the verge of tears as I just laid there...waiting for relief that never came.
After the shower ended, I ate the majority of my breakfast, and crashed on the couch. Though I certainly was pretty dang tired, the main reason I was there wasn't for the sleep. (I got less than 15 minutes.) It was so that I could once more curl up into a ball, comfort myself, and say, "Stay strong. Stay strong." Which barely worked, but did at least get me into shape where I could get myself ready for the drive down to my psychiatrist for the refill exam needed before I could get my medication again.
There may have been things that I probably wanted to mention, things I've said in this blog among them, but I was in no shape to think about anything of the sort. I just let my thoughts drift peacefully in my sleep during the drive, both ways, as much as I could with my mother who doesn't seem to understand that I don't always sleep because I'm tired. (Well, I did sleep today PARTIALLY because I was tired, but it wasn't the main reason.) That I rest because doing so allows me to preserve my mental health...that I use the time to rest and recover from the trauma I inflict on myself every waking moment.
Speaking of which, she apologized that for Christmas, she couldn't get me "what I really wanted"...in the context of not being able to get me new Tae Kwon Do sparring gear in the color that I'd want (blue). The statement immediately brought me pain, as you might imagine, because of the factors I've explained before. I...I'm not sure how much longer I can last if this keeps up.
In fact, even right now, it's tempting for me to just...go to sleep, in spite of having a ton of things to do today. (I do have some consolidation in that it MIGHT not be family night tonight, but if it is...then that limits my time severely, too.)
You'd be surprised how often sheer force of will keeps me going. Because right now, that's all I'm running on. Willpower with hope, to combat all the fear and despair that I feel. Simultaneously very, very strong (because in spite of all of this stuff happening, I have kept myself going), and yet so incredibly frail and fragile it's a miracle I've not shattered by now (because...well, just read my words).
I just...wish everything was different. I've had plenty of regrets, but most of them I'd never take back in spite of their painful memory because of what I learned from them. There's maybe one or two regrets that I WOULD like to do differently...that I wish I could change...
...But those regrets? Not even close to my much, much deeper wish. That I didn't have to go through this hardship. That I wouldn't have to live my lie. That I'd have been born to be the way I feel rather than as I was...or failing that! Failing that...that I actually had the loving support from my family I dream of, that I wouldn't live literally every single day fearing they'll kick me out and disown me if it somehow slips out.
Can't the world give me that much?
See, I was taking a shower. Now, mind you, I didn't get much sleep last night (less than three, I think), so exhaustion certainly played a part here, too, but the exhaustion wasn't the problem. Just the trigger for it.
Because when I was taking the shower...I couldn't stand up for very long. My thoughts were overwhelmed with all the things that I want that may never be, all the issues in my life relating to it, everything. In that moment, I was vulnerable, weak, and would have cried if I was able to.
I was...kinda shutting down. So what did I do? I turned the shower into a bath by plugging the drain, and then just curling up in a fetal position and letting the water wash over me. I never recovered. I take hour-plus-long showers, yet under normal circumstances, I wash my hair, apply shampoo, wash it out, apply conditioner, and wash that out, too. Today, I just...sat there.
I just couldn't do anything. I froze up. Because the thoughts I was having were too painful, my body was feeling too many emotions, it's...well, I'm not doing the description of the experience justice. If I was, you'd know what I was talking about, that I mean it when I say that it was a seriously bad experience for me, to feel so...powerless and hopeless as I simply...laid there.
I've described before how I have a mental image of me being a young little girl curled up in a ball in the corner of a room before...and this is just about as close as physically possible for that to come incarnate, for it to exist in the real world. Because that's basically exactly what I did. I felt pain, confusion, and dread...so much negativity, and all I could do was let it wash over me and hope, pray, that the feelings would go away.
They...didn't. I had to stop my shower because I ran out of hot water, not because I was ready for it to end. I considered laying there in the water for much longer, too, but I knew that no hot water meant at least an hour had passed. Turned out it was an hour and a half. Most of that time spent on the verge of tears as I just laid there...waiting for relief that never came.
After the shower ended, I ate the majority of my breakfast, and crashed on the couch. Though I certainly was pretty dang tired, the main reason I was there wasn't for the sleep. (I got less than 15 minutes.) It was so that I could once more curl up into a ball, comfort myself, and say, "Stay strong. Stay strong." Which barely worked, but did at least get me into shape where I could get myself ready for the drive down to my psychiatrist for the refill exam needed before I could get my medication again.
There may have been things that I probably wanted to mention, things I've said in this blog among them, but I was in no shape to think about anything of the sort. I just let my thoughts drift peacefully in my sleep during the drive, both ways, as much as I could with my mother who doesn't seem to understand that I don't always sleep because I'm tired. (Well, I did sleep today PARTIALLY because I was tired, but it wasn't the main reason.) That I rest because doing so allows me to preserve my mental health...that I use the time to rest and recover from the trauma I inflict on myself every waking moment.
Speaking of which, she apologized that for Christmas, she couldn't get me "what I really wanted"...in the context of not being able to get me new Tae Kwon Do sparring gear in the color that I'd want (blue). The statement immediately brought me pain, as you might imagine, because of the factors I've explained before. I...I'm not sure how much longer I can last if this keeps up.
In fact, even right now, it's tempting for me to just...go to sleep, in spite of having a ton of things to do today. (I do have some consolidation in that it MIGHT not be family night tonight, but if it is...then that limits my time severely, too.)
You'd be surprised how often sheer force of will keeps me going. Because right now, that's all I'm running on. Willpower with hope, to combat all the fear and despair that I feel. Simultaneously very, very strong (because in spite of all of this stuff happening, I have kept myself going), and yet so incredibly frail and fragile it's a miracle I've not shattered by now (because...well, just read my words).
I just...wish everything was different. I've had plenty of regrets, but most of them I'd never take back in spite of their painful memory because of what I learned from them. There's maybe one or two regrets that I WOULD like to do differently...that I wish I could change...
...But those regrets? Not even close to my much, much deeper wish. That I didn't have to go through this hardship. That I wouldn't have to live my lie. That I'd have been born to be the way I feel rather than as I was...or failing that! Failing that...that I actually had the loving support from my family I dream of, that I wouldn't live literally every single day fearing they'll kick me out and disown me if it somehow slips out.
Can't the world give me that much?
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