So yesterday, there was a thought that I had. At the time, I couldn't make much sense of it. It was basically in relationship to the IS manga. Mostly, "Why can't I be like Haru?", but to some extent, also like the other earlier protagonists, in particular, Touma. That garbled thought was chaotic enough that it was there, saddening me, but I wasn't able to make sense of it.
Today, though, it hit me what I meant when I thought that. What I meant was, that what I really want is to be like them in this sense: I want others to understand me as I am. I also want to be a bridge between people. It's been one of my largest desires. I'm not sure for how long, exactly. A few years at the least. Maybe even my whole life, hard to say exactly when those thoughts first entered my mind.
But those thoughts have been there all the same. I want people to know me, as a person, and recognize who I am, in my case, that I am a girl, who was raised as a guy. I want to help others as much as humanly possible, sharing my experience with them, and through my example, maybe allowing them to be better people as a result. I want to help others, as I help myself.
And that is what I mean when I said those things. Those things, which those characters displayed, are what I dream to be. And I felt that I hadn't done those things yet, that I was a failure in my goals. And unlike Haru who has that wide support network to fall back on whenever facing shortcomings such as those setbacks, I've been a bit more isolated, feeling like I don't really have any reliable ally.
I think that's how I felt yesterday. It was something I couldn't express then, but was feeling anyway. It wasn't the entirety of what I was feeling, but it was a part of what I was feeling. Today though, I can verbalize it better, and with that hindsight, I can say that no matter what I had thought...I haven't completely failed, and I have never been completely alone, so I've always been able to bounce back and will always be able to recover.
I'm not quite sure what to do with this new confidence boost I'm beginning to feel. I don't want the energy to be wasted, even though I'm not sure what to do. I'm writing this before I go to work (in a rarity, especially on Sunday), so I'll have six or so hours to mull over it, but I want to make something happen today, and to make it be good.
Today, though, it hit me what I meant when I thought that. What I meant was, that what I really want is to be like them in this sense: I want others to understand me as I am. I also want to be a bridge between people. It's been one of my largest desires. I'm not sure for how long, exactly. A few years at the least. Maybe even my whole life, hard to say exactly when those thoughts first entered my mind.
But those thoughts have been there all the same. I want people to know me, as a person, and recognize who I am, in my case, that I am a girl, who was raised as a guy. I want to help others as much as humanly possible, sharing my experience with them, and through my example, maybe allowing them to be better people as a result. I want to help others, as I help myself.
And that is what I mean when I said those things. Those things, which those characters displayed, are what I dream to be. And I felt that I hadn't done those things yet, that I was a failure in my goals. And unlike Haru who has that wide support network to fall back on whenever facing shortcomings such as those setbacks, I've been a bit more isolated, feeling like I don't really have any reliable ally.
I think that's how I felt yesterday. It was something I couldn't express then, but was feeling anyway. It wasn't the entirety of what I was feeling, but it was a part of what I was feeling. Today though, I can verbalize it better, and with that hindsight, I can say that no matter what I had thought...I haven't completely failed, and I have never been completely alone, so I've always been able to bounce back and will always be able to recover.
I'm not quite sure what to do with this new confidence boost I'm beginning to feel. I don't want the energy to be wasted, even though I'm not sure what to do. I'm writing this before I go to work (in a rarity, especially on Sunday), so I'll have six or so hours to mull over it, but I want to make something happen today, and to make it be good.
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