So I'm not sure if it was just coincidence, if it was me thinking about it, or what, but something happened today, vaguely relevant to my philosophical rambling on Monday and also yesterday. (Which you'll see by the time I post this.)
I keep seeing me. Not me, as my body physically is. Me. As in, me as a girl, as a teenager, as an adult woman, me. Not me as I was, girl. Not my siblings, be it older or younger sisters. This was, definitely, me. ME. As in, me. Just as a biologically-born girl, going through multiple stages of life. As a kid, as a teen, as an adult, ME.
And mostly, in my dreams. You...can imagine the effect this had on me. Namely...mixed emotions. Overwhelming happiness at seeing what it was like, what I was meant to be, and reassurance that yes, I am in fact a woman, sure. But there was also the soul-crushing call back to reality, as I didn't want to go. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to experience that euphoria of being a girl again.
Because the moment the dream ended...waves of dysphoria flooded me. All the anger, all the sadness, the regret, the "it's not fair", the, "why wasn't that the me in my memories?", all of it, slamming me. I just...felt so, so...bad.
It's something that did drive me to do something just now, though. It's a poor medium to talk through, but I knew if I didn't do it right now, I'd chicken out. I'm thinking that, in like, 9/10 of my universes, I did not hit 'send'. But I had a text message conversation with a coworker, where I told them I'm trans. It was...a lot more awkward that I imagined it, and I thought it would be the least-awkward medium. That's only the third person ever to know, either.
But I had to tell someone. I'm having a huge panic attack right now because I don't know what will happen now. This is completely new ground for me. But...I got through my trembling hands. I was able to tell someone, of my own free will, without being led into it as I was with my counselor.
Even if this ends disastrously (I could lose my job over this, my dad could learn the truth over this, I am quite seriously considering those right now), I think it was something worth at least trying, because...I really, really needed to tell someone, given the stressful day I had and the dreams I've been getting.
And now I have.
So now I pray. That messy conversation may change my life; I can only have faith for the better.
I keep seeing me. Not me, as my body physically is. Me. As in, me as a girl, as a teenager, as an adult woman, me. Not me as I was, girl. Not my siblings, be it older or younger sisters. This was, definitely, me. ME. As in, me. Just as a biologically-born girl, going through multiple stages of life. As a kid, as a teen, as an adult, ME.
And mostly, in my dreams. You...can imagine the effect this had on me. Namely...mixed emotions. Overwhelming happiness at seeing what it was like, what I was meant to be, and reassurance that yes, I am in fact a woman, sure. But there was also the soul-crushing call back to reality, as I didn't want to go. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to experience that euphoria of being a girl again.
Because the moment the dream ended...waves of dysphoria flooded me. All the anger, all the sadness, the regret, the "it's not fair", the, "why wasn't that the me in my memories?", all of it, slamming me. I just...felt so, so...bad.
It's something that did drive me to do something just now, though. It's a poor medium to talk through, but I knew if I didn't do it right now, I'd chicken out. I'm thinking that, in like, 9/10 of my universes, I did not hit 'send'. But I had a text message conversation with a coworker, where I told them I'm trans. It was...a lot more awkward that I imagined it, and I thought it would be the least-awkward medium. That's only the third person ever to know, either.
But I had to tell someone. I'm having a huge panic attack right now because I don't know what will happen now. This is completely new ground for me. But...I got through my trembling hands. I was able to tell someone, of my own free will, without being led into it as I was with my counselor.
Even if this ends disastrously (I could lose my job over this, my dad could learn the truth over this, I am quite seriously considering those right now), I think it was something worth at least trying, because...I really, really needed to tell someone, given the stressful day I had and the dreams I've been getting.
And now I have.
So now I pray. That messy conversation may change my life; I can only have faith for the better.
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