In short, my appearance has become heavily feminized. Even female body language is becoming easier to master. (Well, maybe. Hard to judge, really. It feels female, and feels easier.) I may not look like a girl, but I realistically pass for androgynous at the least--no mean feat for someone with the misfortune of being 6'2".
This, not even going into how thoroughly my online life has taken hold. On rare occasions, as Ranger. Mostly as either Bree, or mastina. They have absolutely DOMINATE my brain, my life. Actively thinking. Being. Feeling. Living. I live as a girl online. My persona comes through as a girl. I chat with women of all ages, and I fit in as one of them. I identify with them more than I do with guys.
feel in my element as who I am, online. I feel like me. I feel ME. I don't feel like a person in a male body at all, because it all vanishes away. Something about it is magical. When my physical presence isn't at hand, I feel like my true self, my spirit, my very soul, shines through brightly. It's...actually euphoric.
...And then comes the interactions offline. Especially at work. When people say something, my autism has pre-programmed my response in: I'll say "Alright", or on some occasions, if not, I'll answer, "'kay."
...It's anything but. I instinctively lie. I don't know why, but I do.
Gender Dysphoria REALLY sucks.
And that hurts. It hurts a lot. It crashes me. My hand is shaking. I'm still not recovered. I knew it was coming. I prepared myself. Steeled my resolve to get through the day. Numbed my mind and did the simple task that they asked of me. Yet no preparation can leave me ready.
How could it? How could there be anything to tell me that it's fine? It's not. And on every level, I KNOW it's not. I can't live this way. It's not my life. The utterly alien experience is ironically the one saving grace, from me suffering a complete meltdown. (And believe me I'm close to one.)
My autism recognizes these experiences as SO foreign, SO outside the norm, it's capable of, on some level, rejecting them--of blocking them out, of letting me ignore the situation I'm in because focusing on it would be too painful. But...it only works so well. It's a stopgap measure, and my endurance wears down.
Doesn't help that I can't watch anime now, either. I normally have entertainment on Saturday nights. I had none, so the bedtime I used to pretend was mine has now become sincere.
Just. Not going my way right now, things.