But it's just not the blogging I should be doing. The blogging I should be doing, it requires a mindset, a passion to it. I have it when I do it. I mean. Obviously I thought this up in the first place. So the creativity is there. But not quite the share-with-others-yet.
I just don't know how to explain that. I don't know why I am having that roadblock to blogging. It's not inertia; inertia is on my side because I literally wrote up a blog entry for today, on THIS day, meaning that continuing from there SHOULD be simple enough. It's not lack of interest in the story; I am more invested in Phyrra and Cyrus than I have admitted on this blog.
As far as the blog has been concerned, Phyrra and Cyrus is just the latest in a long string of my numerous story ideas which I think up to never be made, for numerous different reasons. And while I know that, rationally, I can never actually make it (I even typed up all the reasons why it was impossible!)...still I obsess over it with an actual, strong desire, drive, to flesh it out to the point where I could actually make it reality.
It seems impossible because frankly it is, but it's something which I keep going at. So I am interested in it, and inertia is on my side for it. I just...am not in the mindset right now to actually follow through and share the story in spite of me having a strong desire to.
That still probably doesn't make sense, but it might if I give you a pertinent buzzword--I suspect the culprit is a form of my bipolar disorder, in that I am both manic via wanting to just keep on going and going in making things for the story, and yet also depressed by not following through and knowing that I never can follow through in the way I want to.
I'll get the blog done.
I am keeping it, and my webcomic idea, and the perfect rpg rambles, up high in my notes, such that they are always at the top of my pile of junk. This is actually a VERY effective self-reminder that, yes, they are there and not going away.
I just...can't get it done tonight.
My mind's not into it.
My heart is into it in one sense...but in the other sense, it isn't, it's divided of two worlds where on the one hand it wants to share it and make it but on the other hand it doesn't feel like doing that right now. Did I mention I am a mess?