Well, half-hate. I finished one page easily enough. It was actually a beautiful page.
...But then, this hellish nightmare of a page comes up, and it's already godawful and absolutely sapped my will to continue on, rendering me in a state of severe artistic block.
Welp.
I'll figure out a way around it. There's no dance tomorrow, so it's not like I doing much. For that matter, I'm actually a bit bored: I've been staying relatively on-top of my job search, and my mafia duties are at a low-point. (Admittedly, I'm being stupid and throwing myself right into the fire I was just out of, but that's beside the point.) Though on that note...
I actually kinda feel like, right now, Ranger and mastina have merged together for a brief time. This feels like a split personality merge. It's not that it's "one person finally taking off her mask". No. I've been fairly abundantly clear about this in the past, my way of thinking. How Ranger and mastina actually separate, actually have different personalities and memories off of their differing experiences, how they're different sides of me that have progressed on their own.
And the me that I am right now is not those two disappearing, it's not one assimilating the other, it's like...well, it's like they suddenly decided to work together, they suddenly decided to be a team, instead of working separately, working on things together. And to be honest...
...I think that's why I'm doing as well as I am. I've got the full lives of my two lives, in unison, together, and for more than just mafia. (Though, it does help in mafia.) I don't think I want to lose this feeling, and I know that if I began doing too many things, I would. So...to be honest. I'm kind-of content doing what I am, right here and now.
Because that just feels like the right thing for me. At least the me as I am now. I'm sure that at some point, Ranger and mastina will separate again. They will break the bond, go back to being different people as before. It won't be a bad thing, nor necessarily a good thing, just a thing, a different step in my life. But for right now, when the two are so close together, when the two have connected and made me, as I am right now...
...Well, we're gonna do something with what we've been given. I really can't describe the feeling going on. But it's like...well, like some old stories I had. Two separate beings would form together and create a new being. This new being, this third being, would exist, thinking, but the two halves that make the new being would still exist on their own, thinking, in spite of them being joined together, so it's both two minds in one, and yet, not two minds in one, almost like three minds, except, not quite.
If there's a work of existing fiction out there which has the dynamic I'm trying to describe, I don't actually know it. Which is surprising, considering I know basically every type of storytelling device, every trope, every thing that would be a relevant thing. That's not to say it doesn't exist, it's just that...I don't know where to find it.
But...we're kind-of like that right now. In that state where two beings have come together, and a third is now present, which wasn't present before. It's a little confusion, I know, but...well, it's what we are, no matter how hard it is to put words to it. Butyeah. That's what we are. And we intend to make good on it.
At least, that's my plan.
Some time, I really should do a full ramble on this whole thing. It kinda loosely ties into my spirituality, my meism if you will, that personal belief system I developed. The human mind is really, really complex. Mine moreso than most. I recognize it's a little bit crazy, but to me, my natural state of being, where I have all those different mes, where the compartments I have will occasionally have a joint shipment so to speak (as it is right now), is just something that I see, something which makes sense to me, which I really hope I can someday explain to others.
...But then, this hellish nightmare of a page comes up, and it's already godawful and absolutely sapped my will to continue on, rendering me in a state of severe artistic block.
Welp.
I'll figure out a way around it. There's no dance tomorrow, so it's not like I doing much. For that matter, I'm actually a bit bored: I've been staying relatively on-top of my job search, and my mafia duties are at a low-point. (Admittedly, I'm being stupid and throwing myself right into the fire I was just out of, but that's beside the point.) Though on that note...
I actually kinda feel like, right now, Ranger and mastina have merged together for a brief time. This feels like a split personality merge. It's not that it's "one person finally taking off her mask". No. I've been fairly abundantly clear about this in the past, my way of thinking. How Ranger and mastina actually separate, actually have different personalities and memories off of their differing experiences, how they're different sides of me that have progressed on their own.
And the me that I am right now is not those two disappearing, it's not one assimilating the other, it's like...well, it's like they suddenly decided to work together, they suddenly decided to be a team, instead of working separately, working on things together. And to be honest...
...I think that's why I'm doing as well as I am. I've got the full lives of my two lives, in unison, together, and for more than just mafia. (Though, it does help in mafia.) I don't think I want to lose this feeling, and I know that if I began doing too many things, I would. So...to be honest. I'm kind-of content doing what I am, right here and now.
Because that just feels like the right thing for me. At least the me as I am now. I'm sure that at some point, Ranger and mastina will separate again. They will break the bond, go back to being different people as before. It won't be a bad thing, nor necessarily a good thing, just a thing, a different step in my life. But for right now, when the two are so close together, when the two have connected and made me, as I am right now...
...Well, we're gonna do something with what we've been given. I really can't describe the feeling going on. But it's like...well, like some old stories I had. Two separate beings would form together and create a new being. This new being, this third being, would exist, thinking, but the two halves that make the new being would still exist on their own, thinking, in spite of them being joined together, so it's both two minds in one, and yet, not two minds in one, almost like three minds, except, not quite.
If there's a work of existing fiction out there which has the dynamic I'm trying to describe, I don't actually know it. Which is surprising, considering I know basically every type of storytelling device, every trope, every thing that would be a relevant thing. That's not to say it doesn't exist, it's just that...I don't know where to find it.
But...we're kind-of like that right now. In that state where two beings have come together, and a third is now present, which wasn't present before. It's a little confusion, I know, but...well, it's what we are, no matter how hard it is to put words to it. Butyeah. That's what we are. And we intend to make good on it.
At least, that's my plan.
Some time, I really should do a full ramble on this whole thing. It kinda loosely ties into my spirituality, my meism if you will, that personal belief system I developed. The human mind is really, really complex. Mine moreso than most. I recognize it's a little bit crazy, but to me, my natural state of being, where I have all those different mes, where the compartments I have will occasionally have a joint shipment so to speak (as it is right now), is just something that I see, something which makes sense to me, which I really hope I can someday explain to others.
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