Because I'm going to link to a blog I found. And not just link to it, directly quote (well, with the slightest modifications) it. (Fair warning, some vulgar language. Sorry.) Now, mind you, it's about passing as male, not female, but that doesn't change the value of it. (The part I'm going on about is useful to most trans people.) So without further ado:
You have to become okay with being trans.
Not okay with passing for cis, not okay with skating by as long as no one finds out ever, not okay with keeping your clothes on during sex. I mean become truly, genuinely okay with who and what you are, and that has to happen for you to get your happily-ever-after. Until you do, you are cutting yourself off from intimacy and consigning yourself to a life of fear.
It's hard. It's a process, and it's not one that's going to happen overnight. It's certainly not going to happen when you're in the middle of transitioning hell, while the future is terrifyingly uncertain and you have no idea whether you can even go through with this, let alone what your life is going to look like on the other side. It's not going to happen while you still hate the body that you see in the mirror and it seems like you're going to be stuck in this miserable limbo forever.
But with time, it can happen. Please, please believe me when I say: You'll be alright.
Things will suck unbelievably less once you're passing, once you have privacy for your struggle instead of having to weather the stigma of being visibly gender-nonconforming everywhere you go, once you don't have that constant misgendering wearing you down. When people look at you and see you, when they speak and are talking to you. That's when you get to spread your wings and be, for the first time in your life, the person you've always wanted to be.
When your body starts changing, [...] the dysphoria will ease. When someone's flirting with you because they're interested in the person that you are, you'll start to win back some of the self-confidence that got shattered in transition.
And it plateaus eventually. There will come a time when you've made all the changes you're likely to make, be that hormones or surgeries, [when they will have run their course and worked all the magic they're going to work, and you'll be] as far as you're going to get. Being trans will no longer be such an oppressive, all-consuming force on your life, it'll be an injection you take once a week and some awkward conversations sometimes. But wherever you stop, at some point you have to accept that this is the body and the life you have to work with. You have to become happy with that.
I think some, perhaps many, trans folk never do -- and accordingly, the attempted suicide rate for transsexuals hovers around a staggering 40%. I don't presume to speak for what was going on in everyone else's heads, but judging from my own darker moments, I can hazard a guess: the crushing awareness of everything that you'll never have.
It's a lot. I don't need to give you my litany, because I'm sure you've already gone over your own, dozens of times. You know what you missed out on growing up, you know what physical limitations you're stuck with, you know what experiences you'll never be able to have.
And if you follow that path too far, you'll end up at the same place every time: what's the point, might as well just die and start over. It's so tempting to give in to despair, or to get angry at the unfairness of it all, because -- make no mistake -- it is fucking unfair, but that way lies bitterness and ruin. You don't have to go there. I'm not going to lie and tell you that everything's going to be sunshine and kittens, that being trans doesn't cause problems and complications -- but I'm also not lying when I say that it can be alright.
Yes, being trans is a cross to bear. It'll be a stone in your shoe for the rest of your life -- but it doesn't have to be more than that. Look at the world around you, and you'll see people who live under worse burdens and still find a way to be happy. Dwelling on the things you'll never have is ultimately as pointless as any given cis guy tormenting himself because he's never going to have the beauty-fame-talent-money-charisma of Johnny Depp. (Which is to say: true, but not particularly useful.)
So when you catch your thoughts going down that dark road, haul them back. Remember that being [the trans person you are] is better than being [your birth sex] was. Remember that there are plenty of hotties who are happy to date trans people (and who may well be more accepting of your anatomy than you are). Remember that there are places where being trans is not a big deal. Remember that it's only as big a hurdle as you let it be.
You never get to stop being trans. It's part of your history and it's shaped the person you are, even if you get every surgery under the sun, but that is okay. Being trans is okay. You can still do what you want to do, be who you want to be, fall in love with someone who's head over heels for you, and live happily ever after. I'm trans, and I'm okay with that. You can be too -- I promise.
Not okay with passing for cis, not okay with skating by as long as no one finds out ever, not okay with keeping your clothes on during sex. I mean become truly, genuinely okay with who and what you are, and that has to happen for you to get your happily-ever-after. Until you do, you are cutting yourself off from intimacy and consigning yourself to a life of fear.
It's hard. It's a process, and it's not one that's going to happen overnight. It's certainly not going to happen when you're in the middle of transitioning hell, while the future is terrifyingly uncertain and you have no idea whether you can even go through with this, let alone what your life is going to look like on the other side. It's not going to happen while you still hate the body that you see in the mirror and it seems like you're going to be stuck in this miserable limbo forever.
But with time, it can happen. Please, please believe me when I say: You'll be alright.
Things will suck unbelievably less once you're passing, once you have privacy for your struggle instead of having to weather the stigma of being visibly gender-nonconforming everywhere you go, once you don't have that constant misgendering wearing you down. When people look at you and see you, when they speak and are talking to you. That's when you get to spread your wings and be, for the first time in your life, the person you've always wanted to be.
When your body starts changing, [...] the dysphoria will ease. When someone's flirting with you because they're interested in the person that you are, you'll start to win back some of the self-confidence that got shattered in transition.
And it plateaus eventually. There will come a time when you've made all the changes you're likely to make, be that hormones or surgeries, [when they will have run their course and worked all the magic they're going to work, and you'll be] as far as you're going to get. Being trans will no longer be such an oppressive, all-consuming force on your life, it'll be an injection you take once a week and some awkward conversations sometimes. But wherever you stop, at some point you have to accept that this is the body and the life you have to work with. You have to become happy with that.
I think some, perhaps many, trans folk never do -- and accordingly, the attempted suicide rate for transsexuals hovers around a staggering 40%. I don't presume to speak for what was going on in everyone else's heads, but judging from my own darker moments, I can hazard a guess: the crushing awareness of everything that you'll never have.
It's a lot. I don't need to give you my litany, because I'm sure you've already gone over your own, dozens of times. You know what you missed out on growing up, you know what physical limitations you're stuck with, you know what experiences you'll never be able to have.
And if you follow that path too far, you'll end up at the same place every time: what's the point, might as well just die and start over. It's so tempting to give in to despair, or to get angry at the unfairness of it all, because -- make no mistake -- it is fucking unfair, but that way lies bitterness and ruin. You don't have to go there. I'm not going to lie and tell you that everything's going to be sunshine and kittens, that being trans doesn't cause problems and complications -- but I'm also not lying when I say that it can be alright.
Yes, being trans is a cross to bear. It'll be a stone in your shoe for the rest of your life -- but it doesn't have to be more than that. Look at the world around you, and you'll see people who live under worse burdens and still find a way to be happy. Dwelling on the things you'll never have is ultimately as pointless as any given cis guy tormenting himself because he's never going to have the beauty-fame-talent-money-charisma of Johnny Depp. (Which is to say: true, but not particularly useful.)
So when you catch your thoughts going down that dark road, haul them back. Remember that being [the trans person you are] is better than being [your birth sex] was. Remember that there are plenty of hotties who are happy to date trans people (and who may well be more accepting of your anatomy than you are). Remember that there are places where being trans is not a big deal. Remember that it's only as big a hurdle as you let it be.
You never get to stop being trans. It's part of your history and it's shaped the person you are, even if you get every surgery under the sun, but that is okay. Being trans is okay. You can still do what you want to do, be who you want to be, fall in love with someone who's head over heels for you, and live happily ever after. I'm trans, and I'm okay with that. You can be too -- I promise.
...That, when I read it, lifted my spirits a ton. It was pointed out the article is written to a somewhat-specific audience (the article as a whole doesn't work universally, and even in the section at the bottom, it's mostly addressing specific people, but that fact isn't exactly the clearest thing and the literal words seem like it's generalizing, yet I don't really mind because I'm WITHIN said audience at least for the ending section), but it's still something incredibly lifting.
The message might not have been delivered in the best way possible, but if you can get past that ever so tiniest of flaws, it's just...great words to hear.
The message might not have been delivered in the best way possible, but if you can get past that ever so tiniest of flaws, it's just...great words to hear.
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