It becomes increasingly obvious with every passing moment: I've given up on life. I'm going through the motions, but every time I find myself alone, I break out in what would be tears if I could biologically cry. (Seriously, you have no clue. NO CLUE. How important crying is until you can no longer yourself cry. For all those out there that would consider yourselves crybabies, or are called such as an insult: take pride in how much you cry, for it is a GOOD thing, not something you should be ashamed about. Because, speaking as someone who can't cry, not crying is infinitely worse than crying a lot.)
Instead, I just have a long, long moment of nothingness, of emptiness, the feeling I get every passing day, as I continue an existence that I absolutely despise.
Increasingly, I find myself bitter and angry at everything. While my private nature plus professionalism keeps me from actually doing so, I mentally lash out at other people, and though I try to hide it, I suspect my body language betrays my disgust, of how I'm judging them when I have absolutely no right to.
It's just...I wear a fake smile at work every day, but said smile is getting harder and harder to maintain. It used to be occasionally genuine, and even when not, often my emotions were neutral, so smiling wasn't hard. (It was, like, "Hmm, I'm not feeling anything, but they're expecting something. Better smile." Easy enough!) Yet now?
...Now, with my self-loathing and how I want to take it out by exploding at innocent people, means it's much harder. Ever try smiling when you feel rage, hate, sadness, despair, and all-around emptiness? It's not easy. I'm not well. I'm doing terribly, and not getting any better. I'm miserable and tired. Emotionally. Mentally. Even physically. I'm getting more sleep, but it's restless. I just...have given up. Not a pretty sight.
I did sort-of half-write a song about it, though that's literally the one good note I have to say of today.
It goes:
I'm sick of all of this
Why can't you understand?
Tired of all of the
Fighting you'd have me do.
Days drag on and on
Breaking piece by piece
Hatred is slowly re-
Placing all my joy.
Sadness strikes my heart,
At the very core
Back before my pain, I
Laughed yet now I cry.
Dealing with the same ol'
Fear that I'm alone,
Being in this despair,
Feeling that life's not fair.
I rather like the rhyme scheme. Didn't finish it, kinda scrapped the idea when I realized it not only was sung to THE tune but was a complete tune repeat of a prior song, but I think the lyrics are good and I love the idea, of having the first word of the verse be where the rhyme is at rather than the traditional last. Makes it feel a little bit improvised, which was the vibe I was going for. A free-flow sort of thing.
Instead, I just have a long, long moment of nothingness, of emptiness, the feeling I get every passing day, as I continue an existence that I absolutely despise.
Increasingly, I find myself bitter and angry at everything. While my private nature plus professionalism keeps me from actually doing so, I mentally lash out at other people, and though I try to hide it, I suspect my body language betrays my disgust, of how I'm judging them when I have absolutely no right to.
It's just...I wear a fake smile at work every day, but said smile is getting harder and harder to maintain. It used to be occasionally genuine, and even when not, often my emotions were neutral, so smiling wasn't hard. (It was, like, "Hmm, I'm not feeling anything, but they're expecting something. Better smile." Easy enough!) Yet now?
...Now, with my self-loathing and how I want to take it out by exploding at innocent people, means it's much harder. Ever try smiling when you feel rage, hate, sadness, despair, and all-around emptiness? It's not easy. I'm not well. I'm doing terribly, and not getting any better. I'm miserable and tired. Emotionally. Mentally. Even physically. I'm getting more sleep, but it's restless. I just...have given up. Not a pretty sight.
I did sort-of half-write a song about it, though that's literally the one good note I have to say of today.
It goes:
I'm sick of all of this
Why can't you understand?
Tired of all of the
Fighting you'd have me do.
Days drag on and on
Breaking piece by piece
Hatred is slowly re-
Placing all my joy.
Sadness strikes my heart,
At the very core
Back before my pain, I
Laughed yet now I cry.
Dealing with the same ol'
Fear that I'm alone,
Being in this despair,
Feeling that life's not fair.
I rather like the rhyme scheme. Didn't finish it, kinda scrapped the idea when I realized it not only was sung to THE tune but was a complete tune repeat of a prior song, but I think the lyrics are good and I love the idea, of having the first word of the verse be where the rhyme is at rather than the traditional last. Makes it feel a little bit improvised, which was the vibe I was going for. A free-flow sort of thing.
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