I don't think they fully appreciate the magnitude of the statement I made. I can't go into too many details, since some of those people read this blog. But I can tell them what they already would know if they bothered to think about it.
For a start...keeping up with my blog is hard. I'm having trouble making the time to write entries. That's not, "I don't have anything to say", or "I'm too tired to say", that's, "I literally am spending all my time elsewhere". More than that, I've not read my email in almost a full week, because I've been devoting time to this.
Those are some immediate areas. Most evident to them, though, should be this.
Anyone from there that reads this blog already knows I am actively maintaining two identities on there, separate from one another: mastina, and Ranger. What they don't realize, is that by running this game, by fulfilling my promise to always be there for my players...I am cutting into the time that I would normally be spending playing.
Now, this is not an intentional decision on my part to not play on one name. It's not as if I'm leaving no time at all. It's just I'm constantly involved in a high-stress obligation, which tires me out, and when I'm tired, I'm obviously not lying about my difficulties playing. The result from this?
Purely by accident, I've left myself in a tight spot. The tables have turned. The hard-fought, hard-earned, well-respected reputation I have been slowly working up? I'm BURNING it, in order to run the game successfully. Absolutely everything that I stand for, in the division between the two, is being ripped down, destroyed, because of the game. A person who was successful on EVERY level is picking up all the bad traits I had deliberately dumped into the other half. And this is, very specifically, because of the game. (To be fair, I've picked back up some of the good traits I had transferred out, so it's not a total loss.) Everything I really did not want to do, I am finding I'm slowly doing, to maintain both my duality and my game.
That's not all. I'm giving up on little real-life things here and there, too. Beyond my blog here, and beyond the emails, there's nothing all too serious, but small delays in, say, eating times, in focus on TV, on stuff I would devote myself to do exist, and over time, they're adding up.
And it's all because I want to give them the very best, yet...they'll never know what I did for them. Many of them are in a position where they're actively cursing my name. They also keep on doing things I would rather them not do, and while there are some things I can intervene on, others I cannot.
I'm doing the absolute best that I can to get the game to work, but every time I do anything, I always am afraid I'm overstepping my boundaries, I'm always afraid I'm policing my game with an iron fist, oppressing my players, I always worry that I am offending them, I am constantly in a position where I feel like doing nothing is irresponsible but when I DO do something that it might make things worse in a different way.
That's just the tip of the iceberg. I wish I could say more, but basically...there are things I feel I am doing well. I am keeping my promise of being around. I am keeping my promise of a fairly reasonable, approachable, arbiter, someone in the middle able to help mediate disagreements. I give the players lots of things they want. I'm doing a lot better than the younger me would have. I'm not running the game because of me, I'm running it because of others. And I'm engaged.
But at the same time, there's still lots not going right. I'm sacrificing things I didn't think I would have to sacrifice for it. I am constantly walking a dangerous line. If I screw up at any point, I could utterly ruin the game. And I feel like that, if the game is ever considered a failure, it will no matter what be because of me. There's lots of stuff like that.
So...basically, I just really hope when all is said and done, it was worth it. That I made it count. That it was something worth doing, and that I delivered what I said I would. If the game is a growth of what I used to be, then it is a success to me. That's what I think, anyway.
Tomorrow...we'll have to see what kind of hell I'll face from today's fallout. And Friday will likely be the same, of Thursday's fallout. This is not something which can ever go smoothly, no matter my efforts to guide it that way. We live in an imperfect world, and I can't make it be perfect.
I do hope that my efforts to try, though, do not go unappreciated.
I mean, first and foremost, my goal is to not have anyone be absolutely miserable.
But if I can have people actually be happy?
Then I think...that'd make it a success.