June 15th, 2016

So my mom and my older sister both believe that there's something going on with me. They think maybe I'm not eating enough, or maybe I'm depressed, or maybe something else, but...

...It's pretty clear they think that there's SOMETHING in me right now that is "off".

And...honestly?

I...

I, uh...actually think they're right.

Because I feel the exact same way.

I feel like something's wrong with me right now.

I don't have any tangible description to it.

If this is depression, it's not a form of depression I've experienced before, at least not enough to be intimately familiar with it. (I mean, normally, when I'm depressed, I know it because I can tell. I just...can.)

But if it's not depression...what the heck IS it?

I don't know. Physical? Mental? I haven't a clue what's wrong with me.

I just know that there's something about me, which just...doesn't feel right, right now.

And I can't put my finger on what.

It's frustrating.

I have no words for this. No idea. No description. No clue.

I can't recall a single time I've felt something which I wasn't able to identify like this.

Even before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I could tell I was feeling down.

But...for this feeling, it's more like, "Am I down? Is that what's causing this? Am I depressed?"

It's not knowing. It's GUESSING. As in, "what else could it be other than depression?", guessing.

I just don't know.
And that's the scariest thing.
To have something WRONG...and not know.