And, disappointingly, I didn't end up feeling better after it, as would be the norm. (Generally, my counselor is an awesome guy who can make me be motivated.) But the day is young, so maybe I'll (1) figure out what the problem on the computer is, and (2) do something productive.
In the mean time, though, I figured I might as well talk about a detail I mentioned last blog post. I think I've mentioned it before, if not here than on the mafia site, but never going into much detail about it. Basically, taking a time machine back to 2009, and you get a...rather ugly picture of my life. Like, right now my reputation on the mafia site is suffering because my mental health has deteriorated, but back then, it was ten times worse. Nowadays, there's still a few people who legitimately get along well with me, some even calling me friend, in spite of my occasionally-irritating habits and how much my relationship with them has degraded as I devolve from "generally pretty dang good" to "sometimes okay, generally not". (I suppose that's a true test of being a friend, though: they put up with me in spite of me being in such a bad mindset as to quite often treat them terribly and occasionally attack them. In spite of me doing such horrible things, they're still there, proof that they really do care.)
Back then, though, I didn't have any friends. And it was a very...very, bad time in my life. Around then is when I most seriously was suicidal. My parents tried to help me, but as I just said above, the pattern was there that whatever they did to help me just alienated me from them, as my hatred and ire towards the world was growing.
You have to realize...my 22nd birthday in 2015 is coming up. So doing the math, I was around 15 or 16 back then. I was just beginning to be exposed to the harsh realities of life. The naive little child I had been was being exposed to a world 'he' very much did not want to be in, and was actively trying to reject it all the time. I suppose that was always true, that I had always been fighting back against the world, but as a little kid, that habit was rare since the only way it manifested was in cruelty which I progressively swore off of, either out of morals or fear. (Morals, not doing things like killing plants/animals for the heck of it. Fear, not doing things like hitting my older brother or throwing pinecones/calling a particular square dancer the name he hates with a passion, both of which are, well, y'know, I believe the TVTropes term is "Bullying A Dragon", or maybe "Mugging The Monster".)
Yet in 2009, the rejection was beginning to really, really, really push back. My rejection as a kid was (aside from the aforementioned cases of my brother/the square dancer, plus a fair number of temper tantrums in my room) relatively harmless all things considered. Life moved on. Yet the rejections I did as I was becoming a teenager were pushing more and more back, effectively life saying, "No, you can't do that".
I was...very, very destructive. 2009 was incidentally 9th grade for me. (2000-2001 = second grade once I switched to Sky Valley, 2001-2002 = third grade, 2002-2003 = third grade again, and then going up until 2012-2013 = supersenior, the year I finally graduated from Sky Valley.) High School students are held to a different level of standard compared to lower grades, and my grades were beginning to plummet.
Digipen, when Digiprep had gone so well, went from one of my favorite activities into a nightmare to finish, requiring my mother to pay my assistant teacher for a private coding lesson near the end because I was falling so far behind that I simply couldn't manage to keep up.
By this point in time, mind you, I was active online. I'd been playing games since 2005-2006, around my 13th birthday or so, when I got into the DarkThrone communities with the 'Ranger' moniker (the one I technically have here, albeit with my birth name and an underscore and the letter 2 rather than _new), and got into Artix Entertainment with my other username, the one I currently use for mafia games.
I was also playing on EpicMafia at the time, too. My parents were desperate to stop me. I don't know what they did, exactly, but they made some sort of system which allowed them to block sites. (I tried, multiple times, to figure it out. There was clearly hardware involved, yet I could never find out what, yet alone, how I'd disable it. There was software involved, because the websites being blocked had to be entered, and I caught my dad entering it a few times, yet was always too far away to see the details such as what the address needed would be, what password would be required, and what username would be in play. The system is still there to this very day, though I'm sure my parents have forgotten about it.)
Observe:
In the mean time, though, I figured I might as well talk about a detail I mentioned last blog post. I think I've mentioned it before, if not here than on the mafia site, but never going into much detail about it. Basically, taking a time machine back to 2009, and you get a...rather ugly picture of my life. Like, right now my reputation on the mafia site is suffering because my mental health has deteriorated, but back then, it was ten times worse. Nowadays, there's still a few people who legitimately get along well with me, some even calling me friend, in spite of my occasionally-irritating habits and how much my relationship with them has degraded as I devolve from "generally pretty dang good" to "sometimes okay, generally not". (I suppose that's a true test of being a friend, though: they put up with me in spite of me being in such a bad mindset as to quite often treat them terribly and occasionally attack them. In spite of me doing such horrible things, they're still there, proof that they really do care.)
Back then, though, I didn't have any friends. And it was a very...very, bad time in my life. Around then is when I most seriously was suicidal. My parents tried to help me, but as I just said above, the pattern was there that whatever they did to help me just alienated me from them, as my hatred and ire towards the world was growing.
You have to realize...my 22nd birthday in 2015 is coming up. So doing the math, I was around 15 or 16 back then. I was just beginning to be exposed to the harsh realities of life. The naive little child I had been was being exposed to a world 'he' very much did not want to be in, and was actively trying to reject it all the time. I suppose that was always true, that I had always been fighting back against the world, but as a little kid, that habit was rare since the only way it manifested was in cruelty which I progressively swore off of, either out of morals or fear. (Morals, not doing things like killing plants/animals for the heck of it. Fear, not doing things like hitting my older brother or throwing pinecones/calling a particular square dancer the name he hates with a passion, both of which are, well, y'know, I believe the TVTropes term is "Bullying A Dragon", or maybe "Mugging The Monster".)
Yet in 2009, the rejection was beginning to really, really, really push back. My rejection as a kid was (aside from the aforementioned cases of my brother/the square dancer, plus a fair number of temper tantrums in my room) relatively harmless all things considered. Life moved on. Yet the rejections I did as I was becoming a teenager were pushing more and more back, effectively life saying, "No, you can't do that".
I was...very, very destructive. 2009 was incidentally 9th grade for me. (2000-2001 = second grade once I switched to Sky Valley, 2001-2002 = third grade, 2002-2003 = third grade again, and then going up until 2012-2013 = supersenior, the year I finally graduated from Sky Valley.) High School students are held to a different level of standard compared to lower grades, and my grades were beginning to plummet.
Digipen, when Digiprep had gone so well, went from one of my favorite activities into a nightmare to finish, requiring my mother to pay my assistant teacher for a private coding lesson near the end because I was falling so far behind that I simply couldn't manage to keep up.
By this point in time, mind you, I was active online. I'd been playing games since 2005-2006, around my 13th birthday or so, when I got into the DarkThrone communities with the 'Ranger' moniker (the one I technically have here, albeit with my birth name and an underscore and the letter 2 rather than _new), and got into Artix Entertainment with my other username, the one I currently use for mafia games.
I was also playing on EpicMafia at the time, too. My parents were desperate to stop me. I don't know what they did, exactly, but they made some sort of system which allowed them to block sites. (I tried, multiple times, to figure it out. There was clearly hardware involved, yet I could never find out what, yet alone, how I'd disable it. There was software involved, because the websites being blocked had to be entered, and I caught my dad entering it a few times, yet was always too far away to see the details such as what the address needed would be, what password would be required, and what username would be in play. The system is still there to this very day, though I'm sure my parents have forgotten about it.)
Observe:
^That is the message I get every time I type in the address of all those sites I used to hold dear. I can't play AdventureQuest (might be able to play DragonFable, though), can't go to the battleon forums, can't play mafia, can't go to EM, among many others (because I was spending almost all my time online), all because that message greets me.
It used to be set on a timer, but the timer wasn't helping. I was spending every waking moment there, specifically because I knew about the timer. It used to be page-specific, until my dad wised up and entered the generic URLs rather than the much more specific URLs that I was carelessly leaving open. And eventually, with it full-time and fully-generalized, I shut down. That was the real reason I flaked from...I think it was about August of 2009 in all my mafia games. Because that's when the change was made from part-time block to full block, and I only started posting again when the school year was started, since school = computers = access.
...Which, incidentally, is how I got by and what my schedule was like on the mafia site. There's a track record, there. My V/LA during weekends is currently for other reasons, but originally it was because I went to school every weekday but obviously had none on the weekend, thus would be blind during that time. It stayed that way until...oh, I think either two or three years ago when someone knew I would be going away for the summer, as I explained I had the issue but not the details, and she told me about the novel concept of proxies. Which, for that site, I have used every since.
The other sites, I've (mostly) moved on from. Yet that mafia site has remained, with me using a proxy the entire time. It's a good proxy, with its main shortcomings being (1) the need for adblock, (2) I can't watch videos, (3) and I don't know what the URL of a link I'm clicking on is, so I rely a lot on trust to see what it is. (Plus, some sites don't work properly, but since I only use it for forum mafia, no problem there.)
But I digress. The point I was getting at is...back then, my life was much worse of a mess than it is now, all things considered. I was growing bitter, growing hostile towards everything, I was feeling like the world was rejecting me, and in spite of my rejecting, I felt that I was helpless. I wanted it to end. I lost...everything I cared for, so I was dead serious considering killing myself then.
I held on though, for the slimmest of hopes, by the thread of my stories. The site I posted them to (the battleon forums) might have been blocked, but the flashdrive I stored the majority of them on was still around, meaning there was hope yet. Incidentally, that's the year I started the novel I'm currently working on. It's probably not a coincidence, either. No way of knowing for sure, of course.
Butyeah...back then I was a young kid, having my idealistic dreamy head-in-the-clouds all-time-on-internet view of the world be shattered. I had no sense of things, and...it was very, very harsh. I couldn't stand things. So I shut down. I closed myself off, for the first time. It took me discovering ComicFury for me to truly begin opening up again, and I was horrified, horrified, to learn that I was repeating history there in 2010, so that forced me to grow up there. I left there, came back to the mafia site, began playing again and slowly repaired my reputation, eventually in 2012 returning to ComicFury as well.
I feel like there's so much history I'm failing to explain. The intricate dynamics between real life, my head-life, and my quadruple internet life (Darkthrone, Battleon, mafia, and ComicFury) has existed, again, ever since I was 13, ~2005/2006. I don't think I can ever adequately explain it to anyone.
But this should give you a better idea of what I mean and what I fear happening. Why my parents blocked the site, with me eventually getting around it, yet right now having to deal with a shortcoming in my system of subversion. (That being, without adblock, I can't freakin' play. Which is bad, since I told people I would be today.) And how I'm constantly on-guard for my mental health degrading further than it has, which is always a risk.
Yeah.
My life is...not exactly fun.
There's plenty in it that's good, which my counselor did somewhat help remind me of, but...it's filled with a bunch of very, very destructive downsides.
It used to be set on a timer, but the timer wasn't helping. I was spending every waking moment there, specifically because I knew about the timer. It used to be page-specific, until my dad wised up and entered the generic URLs rather than the much more specific URLs that I was carelessly leaving open. And eventually, with it full-time and fully-generalized, I shut down. That was the real reason I flaked from...I think it was about August of 2009 in all my mafia games. Because that's when the change was made from part-time block to full block, and I only started posting again when the school year was started, since school = computers = access.
...Which, incidentally, is how I got by and what my schedule was like on the mafia site. There's a track record, there. My V/LA during weekends is currently for other reasons, but originally it was because I went to school every weekday but obviously had none on the weekend, thus would be blind during that time. It stayed that way until...oh, I think either two or three years ago when someone knew I would be going away for the summer, as I explained I had the issue but not the details, and she told me about the novel concept of proxies. Which, for that site, I have used every since.
The other sites, I've (mostly) moved on from. Yet that mafia site has remained, with me using a proxy the entire time. It's a good proxy, with its main shortcomings being (1) the need for adblock, (2) I can't watch videos, (3) and I don't know what the URL of a link I'm clicking on is, so I rely a lot on trust to see what it is. (Plus, some sites don't work properly, but since I only use it for forum mafia, no problem there.)
But I digress. The point I was getting at is...back then, my life was much worse of a mess than it is now, all things considered. I was growing bitter, growing hostile towards everything, I was feeling like the world was rejecting me, and in spite of my rejecting, I felt that I was helpless. I wanted it to end. I lost...everything I cared for, so I was dead serious considering killing myself then.
I held on though, for the slimmest of hopes, by the thread of my stories. The site I posted them to (the battleon forums) might have been blocked, but the flashdrive I stored the majority of them on was still around, meaning there was hope yet. Incidentally, that's the year I started the novel I'm currently working on. It's probably not a coincidence, either. No way of knowing for sure, of course.
Butyeah...back then I was a young kid, having my idealistic dreamy head-in-the-clouds all-time-on-internet view of the world be shattered. I had no sense of things, and...it was very, very harsh. I couldn't stand things. So I shut down. I closed myself off, for the first time. It took me discovering ComicFury for me to truly begin opening up again, and I was horrified, horrified, to learn that I was repeating history there in 2010, so that forced me to grow up there. I left there, came back to the mafia site, began playing again and slowly repaired my reputation, eventually in 2012 returning to ComicFury as well.
I feel like there's so much history I'm failing to explain. The intricate dynamics between real life, my head-life, and my quadruple internet life (Darkthrone, Battleon, mafia, and ComicFury) has existed, again, ever since I was 13, ~2005/2006. I don't think I can ever adequately explain it to anyone.
But this should give you a better idea of what I mean and what I fear happening. Why my parents blocked the site, with me eventually getting around it, yet right now having to deal with a shortcoming in my system of subversion. (That being, without adblock, I can't freakin' play. Which is bad, since I told people I would be today.) And how I'm constantly on-guard for my mental health degrading further than it has, which is always a risk.
Yeah.
My life is...not exactly fun.
There's plenty in it that's good, which my counselor did somewhat help remind me of, but...it's filled with a bunch of very, very destructive downsides.
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