So tonight in square dancing, during the last tip, I got to dance as a girl, in small part thanks to having a substitute caller who wouldn't be driven insane by it. It was...awkward, but easier than I had anticipated. Muscle memory was surprisingly only an issue with alamand-left, though I did botch my first 4-ladies chain. (How was I supposed to know which way to go?) It was, again, rather awkward, but I had to keep myself, force myself, from smiling.
Because I thoroughly enjoyed it, and, yes, would prefer it. Speaking of which...that makes a nice segwey into what I was going to talk about before but got rudely cut off from. Before I was interrupted, I talked about a heartsinking experience I had yesterday. The words I'm going to say are going to be cheap imitations of what I spoke about originally, second-rate mental copies of what I said, but I have to get as much of the thoughts out as I can even if not as well and as fully as originally.
Basically, there was this paperwork that I needed to do. Using my signature and printing my legal (birth) name are easy enough. After all, I've held them for twenty years without having known who I am, so they're right there in active memory, to be called up on demand. In other words, an autonomous response--something that I automatically pull up, instinctively, which in a way is actually kinda a defense: I can say my full birth name in a single breath without pause or hesitation or even really hate if presenting to others, because it's a mask, it's putting on an act for them.
Yet if I were to say that same thing in only a small piece, like just my first name, I hesitate, hating it. Because the whole thing? Is me acting out a role. I can do that. I can put on an act. Just part of it, though, and it gives off the impression not that I'm putting on an act to impress, but rather, trying to show off who I am...and yet, I am most distinctly NOT that person, thus why I find it really, really hard to do.
Anyway, the point is that my name, when printed out fully, doesn't bother that me. Particularly since even after I realized I was a transwoman, I didn't hold an immediate distaste to my name. In fact, I considered keeping it in spite of its utter lack of ambiguity, but Bree ultimately ended up being more "me". Furthermore, the more time passed...well...you've seen it here. I've become increasingly bitter about my situation. The resentment within me has grown, particularly towards my birth name. It represents everything I am not, in a succinct form. The more my longing to be a woman has grown, the more my frustration at being stuck as who I am has grown, the more that anger towards it has formed.
...Yet the name wasn't the problem as I said, because I can put those feelings aside, remembering that I used to not hate it (even if I know it isn't me) and can use it as a presentation. What really hit me soulcrushingly hard was something far, far smaller, yet all the more potent because of it: checking the box marked 'M'. I...had severe trouble doing it. I really, really didn't want to, and I really did feel a deep emptiness when I was forced to place that down. Because...well, again. This is paperwork that I need filled out. Meaning I needed to put something down...yet I couldn't exactly check the F box.
Not without a ton of confusion, an awkward explanation or twenty, assumption it was a mistake, and after confirmation that it wasn't, the whole...y'know, me getting disowned thing. So as much as I want to...as much as that hurt...I had no choice. Well, obviously, there's always a choice, but choosing what I want would induce a penalty far too harsh for me to endure. Even with my mental fortitude. (I'm a tough gal when it comes to enduring bad things happening to me.) I just...can't handle that, not right now.
I really, really wish I was born a girl. Things would be so much simpler then. Far less confusion. Far less fear. A much easier life. Because it really is true, what you hear. It really is a woman trapped in a body that's not hers, and on a daily basis, being forced to face that reality. I don't experience dysphoria nearly as much as many transgendered individuals do...but I can tell you, in spite of that, my pain is very, very much real, very much there, very much a part of me that I wish I never had to deal with.
Now, don't get me wrong. I have absolutely zero regrets that I've learned the truth about myself. While I've now got a bundleload of extra fears to deal with, the life I was living before was just as much painful yet filled with ignorance. I'm quite happy I discovered the truth, because that tradeoff was worth it: discovering my true self is worth all the extra pain because it helped clarify the pain that was already there. Because, again...this is not something that just appeared in my life a year ago. This is something that's always been a part of me, and when it was repressed, I was far worse off than I am now.
So it's good that I'm being honest with myself. It's a good thing that I know who I am, and know that's who I've been my whole life. It's good that I've realized how I'm a girl and always was one, just not in body. But the PAIN of not having that, I wish I never needed to endure.
It'd just be so much better if I never had to deal with any of this, if I was a girl from the beginning, so that I'd not be struggling with all these issues. Yet here I am. It's there.
And it sucks. But I'll just have to deal with it, to work with the hand I've been dealt, and try to obtain my dream.
...On a lighter note, last night also had Kongregate give me a special message. There was an announcement about a special Kongpanions challenge that would allow a person upon its completion to earn a Kongpanion that they missed. However, I got a special message from them saying that since I had collected EVERY Kongpanion for the year, I'd get a special award on my profile, one which I imagine there aren't too many of.
Hey, I DID tell you I'm obsessed with flash games. I'm not involved in the community on that site, but I imagine that were I to get involved, I could easily be a big name there thanks to how much I play and how well I tend to do and how much I've accumulated and whatnot. I've got every Kongpanion in gold except three or four. Kongbot I didn't know existed until Friday (the day Kongregate previously released interesting stuff on, which has since been moved to Monday--in fact, Kongbot WAS the move), Finneus (because I had real-life stuff happening), and one or two over Christmas/New Years because no internet = no ability to play the games needed to obtain the golden version.
Still, felt really nice to get what I imagine only a small number of players have. It's basically a "thank you for being so obsessed with our games" award, and they're totally right; I am completely and entirely enveloped in their stuff.
Soyeah, that's not nearly as well-worded as it was before, and I'm sure I missed a bunch of stuff I was GONNA talk about, but this should suffice to get the general mood across of stuff I wanted to say.
Because I thoroughly enjoyed it, and, yes, would prefer it. Speaking of which...that makes a nice segwey into what I was going to talk about before but got rudely cut off from. Before I was interrupted, I talked about a heartsinking experience I had yesterday. The words I'm going to say are going to be cheap imitations of what I spoke about originally, second-rate mental copies of what I said, but I have to get as much of the thoughts out as I can even if not as well and as fully as originally.
Basically, there was this paperwork that I needed to do. Using my signature and printing my legal (birth) name are easy enough. After all, I've held them for twenty years without having known who I am, so they're right there in active memory, to be called up on demand. In other words, an autonomous response--something that I automatically pull up, instinctively, which in a way is actually kinda a defense: I can say my full birth name in a single breath without pause or hesitation or even really hate if presenting to others, because it's a mask, it's putting on an act for them.
Yet if I were to say that same thing in only a small piece, like just my first name, I hesitate, hating it. Because the whole thing? Is me acting out a role. I can do that. I can put on an act. Just part of it, though, and it gives off the impression not that I'm putting on an act to impress, but rather, trying to show off who I am...and yet, I am most distinctly NOT that person, thus why I find it really, really hard to do.
Anyway, the point is that my name, when printed out fully, doesn't bother that me. Particularly since even after I realized I was a transwoman, I didn't hold an immediate distaste to my name. In fact, I considered keeping it in spite of its utter lack of ambiguity, but Bree ultimately ended up being more "me". Furthermore, the more time passed...well...you've seen it here. I've become increasingly bitter about my situation. The resentment within me has grown, particularly towards my birth name. It represents everything I am not, in a succinct form. The more my longing to be a woman has grown, the more my frustration at being stuck as who I am has grown, the more that anger towards it has formed.
...Yet the name wasn't the problem as I said, because I can put those feelings aside, remembering that I used to not hate it (even if I know it isn't me) and can use it as a presentation. What really hit me soulcrushingly hard was something far, far smaller, yet all the more potent because of it: checking the box marked 'M'. I...had severe trouble doing it. I really, really didn't want to, and I really did feel a deep emptiness when I was forced to place that down. Because...well, again. This is paperwork that I need filled out. Meaning I needed to put something down...yet I couldn't exactly check the F box.
Not without a ton of confusion, an awkward explanation or twenty, assumption it was a mistake, and after confirmation that it wasn't, the whole...y'know, me getting disowned thing. So as much as I want to...as much as that hurt...I had no choice. Well, obviously, there's always a choice, but choosing what I want would induce a penalty far too harsh for me to endure. Even with my mental fortitude. (I'm a tough gal when it comes to enduring bad things happening to me.) I just...can't handle that, not right now.
I really, really wish I was born a girl. Things would be so much simpler then. Far less confusion. Far less fear. A much easier life. Because it really is true, what you hear. It really is a woman trapped in a body that's not hers, and on a daily basis, being forced to face that reality. I don't experience dysphoria nearly as much as many transgendered individuals do...but I can tell you, in spite of that, my pain is very, very much real, very much there, very much a part of me that I wish I never had to deal with.
Now, don't get me wrong. I have absolutely zero regrets that I've learned the truth about myself. While I've now got a bundleload of extra fears to deal with, the life I was living before was just as much painful yet filled with ignorance. I'm quite happy I discovered the truth, because that tradeoff was worth it: discovering my true self is worth all the extra pain because it helped clarify the pain that was already there. Because, again...this is not something that just appeared in my life a year ago. This is something that's always been a part of me, and when it was repressed, I was far worse off than I am now.
So it's good that I'm being honest with myself. It's a good thing that I know who I am, and know that's who I've been my whole life. It's good that I've realized how I'm a girl and always was one, just not in body. But the PAIN of not having that, I wish I never needed to endure.
It'd just be so much better if I never had to deal with any of this, if I was a girl from the beginning, so that I'd not be struggling with all these issues. Yet here I am. It's there.
And it sucks. But I'll just have to deal with it, to work with the hand I've been dealt, and try to obtain my dream.
...On a lighter note, last night also had Kongregate give me a special message. There was an announcement about a special Kongpanions challenge that would allow a person upon its completion to earn a Kongpanion that they missed. However, I got a special message from them saying that since I had collected EVERY Kongpanion for the year, I'd get a special award on my profile, one which I imagine there aren't too many of.
Hey, I DID tell you I'm obsessed with flash games. I'm not involved in the community on that site, but I imagine that were I to get involved, I could easily be a big name there thanks to how much I play and how well I tend to do and how much I've accumulated and whatnot. I've got every Kongpanion in gold except three or four. Kongbot I didn't know existed until Friday (the day Kongregate previously released interesting stuff on, which has since been moved to Monday--in fact, Kongbot WAS the move), Finneus (because I had real-life stuff happening), and one or two over Christmas/New Years because no internet = no ability to play the games needed to obtain the golden version.
Still, felt really nice to get what I imagine only a small number of players have. It's basically a "thank you for being so obsessed with our games" award, and they're totally right; I am completely and entirely enveloped in their stuff.
Soyeah, that's not nearly as well-worded as it was before, and I'm sure I missed a bunch of stuff I was GONNA talk about, but this should suffice to get the general mood across of stuff I wanted to say.
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