I want to cry. But my blasted mental disability keeps me from doing so. I physically can't express my emotions as humans are supposed to. Happiness doesn't get me to smile. (Which is why my smile is the most precious commodity I have.) Embarrassment doesn't get me to blush. I'm...not neurotically typical. I feel the emotions, but while I can express my emotions on secondary levels, the fundamental level never comes. So sadness doesn't let me cry...even though right now, crying is what I want to do more than anything else.
Yet thanks to my messed-up mind, the wires not being right...I can't. And that is frustrating, agitating, struggling, more than anything else right now. You don't know how much being unable to let your emotions out screws you up unless you have it, too--it's not that I don't know how to, it's not that I don't recognize the proper signals, it's not that I'm keeping the emotions held back, it's that for some ungodly reason, I literally can't cry. In a way, that kinda...dehumanizes myself. Like I'm some sort of abomination, able to feel emotions but unable to express them.
I'm a mental wreck. If you could see the fidgeting I'm doing as I'm writing this message, you'd be able to tell something was seriously wrong, in spite of my lack of ability to physically show it, because I am that close to a mental breakdown. I'm in agony, suffering from this stress, producing a ton of emotional fatigue. Like...
...Right now, I'm considering coming out to my parents, in spite of frightening that would be thanks to the likely outcome. Treating it as a joke. Thinking I need help 'curing' this. Those are two of the more favorable outcomes. More likely is me being disowned, thrown out, and as a result, effectively killed.
I would disappear from the internet, likely permanent, possibly dieing after that in real life for real, because I get internet from them, so no them to support me = no me around. I'm reaching the point where I don't care about the risk...so long as there's the possibility that by coming out, all my pain would go away. It's hurting me THAT badly. Every day, getting worse and worse...and help seems oh so far away.
I know I'm not...but I still feel alone. I don't really have someone to have a heart to heart talk to about these deep, deep, fundamental feelings I'm having. How I'm thinking of the past and why it confirms my identity, and thinking of the future, and not wanting to go down any path in particular, but especially not the pathway that I'm "supposed" to be going down...stuff like that. I know it's selfish, but I need some sort of confirmation from people that they've heard my words, because...I need them.