As per the usual, there's points of validity wrapped around a bunch of things she couldn't hope to comprehend. In this case, she attributed a lot of things in my life to my overabundance of an internet life. (She named my mafia site specifically at first, which I vehemently denied, although there's a morsel of truth in that it is the majority of my internet time on there, because...well, I like it there. They're my friends. I am happy there. It's a community, which I do my best to contribute to.)
I denied it. My basic explanation was that I do things as I feel like doing things, which is true. I eat when I feel like eating. I sleep when I feel like sleeping. She thinks I eat too little, sleep too little, and blames my activities. While it's true I do those activities instead of eating/sleeping, it's not because I'm neglecting eating/sleeping (well...most of the time), but rather, because I simply don't feel like eating/sleeping at that time.
I'm a very whimsical person, driven by whatever drives me to do what it is I feel like doing. The morsel of truth she has is that, yes, I can get obsessive with my activities. If I dive into something, I might neglect sleep or eating, but this is a character flaw I am quite aware of and doing my best to keep control of. I don't need her telling me what I already know.
Speaking of which, she mentioned that there's a lack of balance in my life, which is true, but again...she lectured me about it as if expecting it to be new information. Yet I know all too well about this one, too. It comes down to the same flaw: I do what I want to do. If I don't do one activity that I'd prefer, I simply switch to another. I know this. I don't need to be told it.
Yet while she's right that ideally, I should have perfect balance...honestly, one of the reasons I don't is because I don't truly want things in my life fully balanced. I think that, me being me, full balance would be basically impossible anyway. And let's assume that I'm wrong--then, by me thinking it, I'm ensuring it's true in a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yet let's take it a further assumption, and say that it IS possible, and that me thinking otherwise DOESN'T hinder my chances. Let's say it's actually an obtainable goal that simply by working towards, I can achieve.
...Do I actually want it?
I mean...yeah, the consequences of my imbalanced life suck. This blog has detailed many incidents that make this explicit. Yet all the way, these are accompanied by many, many periods of me saying, "worth it", "thoroughly enjoyed it", and whatnot. And...that's because I do.
I love writing. I love drawing. I love games. I love my communities. I love webcomics. I love browsing TVTropes. I like TKD. I like dancing. I like my job well enough. I hold love for my family, and love our gatherings. I love movies. I love anime. These things and so much more are all competing for the very limited ~16-20 hours of time that is allotted in a typical day of mine. That sounds like a lot of time, and in theory it is, but in reality it flies by far too quickly.
I do everything I can to do everything I can in that timeframe, but some activities suffer since I literally can't do them all. I haven't written on my novel for months, albeit tinkering with story ideas. I haven't gotten very far with my drawings. I don't play games nearly as often as I'd like and I still waste a fair amount of time on them. I used to read hundreds of webcomics and now I read less than ten. (About half on a daily/weekly basis, the other half binging whenever I feel like it.)
And when it comes to communities, well...one community I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't visit until I finished college. (Speaking of which, guess who is still on the verge of failing their current class? Yep. Me.) The other, the aforementioned mafia site, is a daily chore to keep up with. I am heavily, heavily involved there. I shouldn't go into my official duties there, but I DO hold a couple of actual, official, duties on there.
Though my current modded game has completed, I've got a lot of hype for the next game, so there's that. I'm also running as best I can an adventure game on the side. Then, there's the fact that I am trying to stay as actively involved with the casual community as possible, the general discussion type stuff. Plus, I'm involved in the theory of the game, and I've been doing what I can to keep active there, too.
...All that, before we get into the games I play as a player, which I try to post in on a daily basis.
...As you can tell...that's a lot of work, and I have to do it all every day unless I want to fall behind, which will often have disastrous results. (Trust me, still dealing with fallout a plenty from my last catchup period.)
The community is such that they mostly would forgive me for not keeping up. (Mostly.) They might forgive me, but I never forgive myself. Ever. I might forget, though I try very VERY hard not to (because if we forget our mistakes, we are liable to repeat them again, as experience has taught me time and time again), yet I never *forgive* myself, because it's a failure on my part to keep close to me what I love.
So that's why I'm not even sure I want the balance, more or less. Love. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not, but basically...I know that if I get too unbalanced, I cause harm everywhere to all aspects of my life...so I try to avoid that......but at the same time...I don't want a balanced life because if I have a balanced life, I fear I'll not be able to have that love, I guess you could say.
I denied it. My basic explanation was that I do things as I feel like doing things, which is true. I eat when I feel like eating. I sleep when I feel like sleeping. She thinks I eat too little, sleep too little, and blames my activities. While it's true I do those activities instead of eating/sleeping, it's not because I'm neglecting eating/sleeping (well...most of the time), but rather, because I simply don't feel like eating/sleeping at that time.
I'm a very whimsical person, driven by whatever drives me to do what it is I feel like doing. The morsel of truth she has is that, yes, I can get obsessive with my activities. If I dive into something, I might neglect sleep or eating, but this is a character flaw I am quite aware of and doing my best to keep control of. I don't need her telling me what I already know.
Speaking of which, she mentioned that there's a lack of balance in my life, which is true, but again...she lectured me about it as if expecting it to be new information. Yet I know all too well about this one, too. It comes down to the same flaw: I do what I want to do. If I don't do one activity that I'd prefer, I simply switch to another. I know this. I don't need to be told it.
Yet while she's right that ideally, I should have perfect balance...honestly, one of the reasons I don't is because I don't truly want things in my life fully balanced. I think that, me being me, full balance would be basically impossible anyway. And let's assume that I'm wrong--then, by me thinking it, I'm ensuring it's true in a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yet let's take it a further assumption, and say that it IS possible, and that me thinking otherwise DOESN'T hinder my chances. Let's say it's actually an obtainable goal that simply by working towards, I can achieve.
...Do I actually want it?
I mean...yeah, the consequences of my imbalanced life suck. This blog has detailed many incidents that make this explicit. Yet all the way, these are accompanied by many, many periods of me saying, "worth it", "thoroughly enjoyed it", and whatnot. And...that's because I do.
I love writing. I love drawing. I love games. I love my communities. I love webcomics. I love browsing TVTropes. I like TKD. I like dancing. I like my job well enough. I hold love for my family, and love our gatherings. I love movies. I love anime. These things and so much more are all competing for the very limited ~16-20 hours of time that is allotted in a typical day of mine. That sounds like a lot of time, and in theory it is, but in reality it flies by far too quickly.
I do everything I can to do everything I can in that timeframe, but some activities suffer since I literally can't do them all. I haven't written on my novel for months, albeit tinkering with story ideas. I haven't gotten very far with my drawings. I don't play games nearly as often as I'd like and I still waste a fair amount of time on them. I used to read hundreds of webcomics and now I read less than ten. (About half on a daily/weekly basis, the other half binging whenever I feel like it.)
And when it comes to communities, well...one community I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't visit until I finished college. (Speaking of which, guess who is still on the verge of failing their current class? Yep. Me.) The other, the aforementioned mafia site, is a daily chore to keep up with. I am heavily, heavily involved there. I shouldn't go into my official duties there, but I DO hold a couple of actual, official, duties on there.
Though my current modded game has completed, I've got a lot of hype for the next game, so there's that. I'm also running as best I can an adventure game on the side. Then, there's the fact that I am trying to stay as actively involved with the casual community as possible, the general discussion type stuff. Plus, I'm involved in the theory of the game, and I've been doing what I can to keep active there, too.
...All that, before we get into the games I play as a player, which I try to post in on a daily basis.
...As you can tell...that's a lot of work, and I have to do it all every day unless I want to fall behind, which will often have disastrous results. (Trust me, still dealing with fallout a plenty from my last catchup period.)
The community is such that they mostly would forgive me for not keeping up. (Mostly.) They might forgive me, but I never forgive myself. Ever. I might forget, though I try very VERY hard not to (because if we forget our mistakes, we are liable to repeat them again, as experience has taught me time and time again), yet I never *forgive* myself, because it's a failure on my part to keep close to me what I love.
So that's why I'm not even sure I want the balance, more or less. Love. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not, but basically...I know that if I get too unbalanced, I cause harm everywhere to all aspects of my life...so I try to avoid that......but at the same time...I don't want a balanced life because if I have a balanced life, I fear I'll not be able to have that love, I guess you could say.
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