Most of my work isn't done.
I'm borderline siteflaking on mafia.
I'm not working on my comic...well, I am, it's just not in the right ways. I did character concept work for Sally, some failed ones for Hannah and Amy too, plus two other side-characters. I've done similar stuff to that for a while now, haven't I? Barely touched the comic pages. I was up until 8 AM yesterday, I woke up at 5 PM today, I'm typing this up WAY past midnight, I have some job thing to go to, speaking of that I haven't even looked at my email for like two weeks which will be hell and even on ComicFury the place I'm doing best on, I fear I may be getting a bit empty, hollow, and shallow in what I'm saying, always afraid I'm not good enough.
...And ComicFury is like crack to me in that I'm doing a lot of catching up. I do think, honestly, that if I wasn't so behind, it wouldn't take me hours, but since I am...I have to do a lot of reading per comic. But this reading I'm doing, it doesn't feel like it's being done out of the normal reasons I would be.
It feels like it's there to fill a hole, a gap in me.
I know that feeling.
And it's the same exact feeling I get when I waste time on playing a game.
And keep wasting time on that game even though I know nothing productive will come of it.
In short: I'm depressed.
I know it. I can feel it. There's nothing I can do about it. But that's an unmistakable feeling within me. That I am breaking and getting worse and it's one thing piling up after another causing stress and yet I don't feel like this stress is because of anything I've done and I just feel like it's all stuff I could handle in a better mood and should be handling but instead of handling it I'm effectively becoming an alcoholic and succumbing to an addiction I have because it acts as an escape from my life.
And wow, that's some pretty scary stuff.
I hate me.
I really, really hate me right now.
I'm better than this.
And I know that if I don't get something under control, my life will crumble. I need the mafia site in my life to stabilize me. I also need ComicFury in my life to give me that balance. I'm always weaker when I have lost one. And yet I always am in a situation where stress keeps pushing me away from one or from both from my inactions.
Very frustrating. I don't feel like I can do anything, that this is caused by something bigger than me. But at the same time, I can't help but wonder if maybe I'm wrong, maybe it is on me and therefore I SHOULD be doing something more than I am to fix this. I just...
Yet at the same time.
Know way too freakin' much.
I really hate this.