So today was shopping. My sisters and I went shopping for our Christmas gifts to members of the family...including to each other. I found the experience rather awkward, considering it's my first time. I jumped straight into jewelry, without a clue what I was looking for and when I selected something, vaguely hoping against all hope I did good.
Then, I got to help my older sister shop for our younger sister. No comments on what we ended up getting her, obviously, but I'd like to note that at one point when comparing colors, she asked me what I thought. I told her, truthfully, that I'd just wear any of them because the color is the color and the exact match doesn't matter to me.
It was the follow-through that hurt, given that she said, "Well, if you were a girl."
This, after a similar comment about how I had said I am not very fashion-inclined, and she said it's understandable since I'm a guy.
She has no clue.
Absolutely none.
But those words dig deep. It hurts--it really, really does. This is going to be the first vacation I actually dread. Last time, I might have suspected I wasn't the same gender as my physical sex, but I didn't know for sure. This year, I do...and now I'm going to have to survive seven days, in close (rather than loose) proximity to them all...basically, trapped and afraid.
I'm...honestly a bit scared. With such intimate contact for so long a time...what if something slips? Especially since my feelings have been growing all that much stronger? As I grow more assured, as I grow more confident...so too do I grow more afraid of what awaits if I simply can't hold back anymore.
The thought of being a homeless hobo, wandering the wilderness of Oregon with quite literally nothing comes to mind.
But I try to push it aside. Today, after the shopping, was The Hobbit, and from there, straight home to family night, thus, why I'm so late making a blog entry. (Work will suck tomorrow.)
Then, I got to help my older sister shop for our younger sister. No comments on what we ended up getting her, obviously, but I'd like to note that at one point when comparing colors, she asked me what I thought. I told her, truthfully, that I'd just wear any of them because the color is the color and the exact match doesn't matter to me.
It was the follow-through that hurt, given that she said, "Well, if you were a girl."
This, after a similar comment about how I had said I am not very fashion-inclined, and she said it's understandable since I'm a guy.
She has no clue.
Absolutely none.
But those words dig deep. It hurts--it really, really does. This is going to be the first vacation I actually dread. Last time, I might have suspected I wasn't the same gender as my physical sex, but I didn't know for sure. This year, I do...and now I'm going to have to survive seven days, in close (rather than loose) proximity to them all...basically, trapped and afraid.
I'm...honestly a bit scared. With such intimate contact for so long a time...what if something slips? Especially since my feelings have been growing all that much stronger? As I grow more assured, as I grow more confident...so too do I grow more afraid of what awaits if I simply can't hold back anymore.
The thought of being a homeless hobo, wandering the wilderness of Oregon with quite literally nothing comes to mind.
But I try to push it aside. Today, after the shopping, was The Hobbit, and from there, straight home to family night, thus, why I'm so late making a blog entry. (Work will suck tomorrow.)
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