Right now, I...well, I don't. I just feel like writing down the thoughts as they come out of my head. Which is going to be preeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty scatterbrained and random, but the thing which I'm starting with is that I'm largely thinking about, well, how I don't really know what others would think about me.
What I mean there is, I kinda have this strange "at ease" sense for things. It's there for almost everything. I think this might be vaguely tied to how I'm both afraid of everything, yet at the same time, nothing. I've blogged about that at least once, probably more. I can't be sure, but...I just have a way of "taking the world in, as it is, around me" and...being calm and accepting of it.
This isn't resignation or anything. When it comes to things I wish weren't as they were, that I wish were different, they come out and make themselves known rather strongly. My desire to be a professional writer, my drive to get a job (speaking of which, I need to resume doing that), it's all stuff like that which can push me forward, because in some cases, there's a choice between pessimistic self-fulfilling prophecies or optimistic chances of self-fulfilling dreams, and in other cases...
...For instance, that I don't have the body of a woman despite having the mind of one (well, there's still lots of boyish aspects to my mind, but as I went over last blog and several blogs before that: I know I'm not one, not even remotely one, not even a fraction of me being a guy, so those aspects aren't really relevant).
That is something that I have accepted, but I'm not exactly thrilled with the status quo. I want to be more female than I already am. It's a weird balance. I'm not quite sure I'd be able to describe this fully. But what I was going to get around to talking about, is that part of this acceptance of things is of myself.
I usually have good abilities to recognize my flaws as a person, but it's more than that. I can also just see things about myself, and know they are true, even if I don't understand them. And how I think is one of those things. The myriad of mes, they all parade around when they please, and I'm okay with that.
I don't really feel ashamed of it. I don't think I'm sputtering utter nonsense, either. I also am preeeeeeeetty sure this is not a completely normal thing, either. Beyond autism, bipolar disorder, ADHD, and OCD, I still have a LOT of oddities about me. And this? The many mes I see are just one of them. We're just always like this, in our own little world.
I don't really think I'm playing anything up, either. This is just what I'm naturally inclined to think, as I let my thoughts fly. We are different people, yet one and the same. All the Rangers over time, all the mastinas over time, all the mes over time, I know it's a bit of an odd perspective on the world, an unusual take on things.
But to me, it feels true. It's not something I say to be philosophical. It's not something I say for convenience. I mean it. Okay, so I do admit: sometimes, I kinda do get some kicks out of how people treat me differently under different names. I can't really help that feeling, since we ARE all linked together. Same body, and whatnot. This isn't some split-personality thing, since we still maintain some awareness of each other at all times.
It's kind-of like, I have 50% of my knowledge available at all times. I'll have 20% extra in select areas. I'll have 10% extra in closely-linked areas, but the only way to get to the full 100% is to actually become the person I was, or am, in that moment, and by doing so, I lose 10-20% at minimum of other areas.
That's a very rudimentary explanation of it, but it should suffice. So, I can't help but find some entertainment in musing, "so they see me this way when I'm like this, huh?", and "so they see me this way when I'm like this, huh?" when different from before.
Everyone does that. That's only human, and anyone with any experience at multiple identities (which, in the modern day and age, is almost everyone) has at least some familiarity with that feeling. Except...for me, it's so much more than that, and runs so much deeper than that.
I actually get immersed. I actually feel like different people. I know that we're linked, that we're the same back at the core level, that we're not split off from each other, that we're not detached, that it's not like I have multiple completely different people living in me. There's a condition for that, and that's not what I am, I know that much for sure. But all the same...
...In spite of getting the occasional kicks out of the link between identities...sometimes, I'd like nothing more than to actually physically be the two different people, full-time. What I mean by that is...well...they all have good lives. The Ranger on ComicFury has at least two or three possible lives. The Ranger elsewhere has a good life. mastina has a good life.
...But we all have to share it. We have to share the time. We can't play together. We can't do activities together. We can't socialize with the same person at the same time. We can't talk to each other. (Well, we can, just...not naturally, it'd come off as forced and scripted because we already know what the other's gonna say.)
Basically, because there's such a diversity to me, because there's so much about me that fluctuates, that changes, because there's so many mes around, because they all have their desires and whatnot...I, when I'm the one in charge, so to speak, as a hub, hivemind of sorts, have to dictate time, have to regulate it, as a boss, as the leader. And honestly, that's not a duty I really like to do, but it's something I do every day, with every choice I make.
I know that the more I type, the more likely it is that I sound crazy, that I sound like maybe I have something more than I actually do. I can assure the blog reader. I'm still me, the same me you've always known. (Because nobody who reads this blog is a total stranger; everyone reading it I'm pretty sure is a friend of mine, from one source or another.) This is not a recent development, it's always been there.
I'm just talking about it more, with a larger focus on it, with more details, more broadening of a perspective, yet the more I write, the less sure I am that I've actually communicated how I, how we, feel. It's a duality. I've always considered the duality of everything to be important, and it's not different with myself, right now, with this.
I'm separate. Yet the same. I wish to reach out to others and go down multiple paths in life...but I am me. I don't want to lose any part of myself. I love every bit of it. (Well, for the most part; there are some obvious exceptions, such as, say, some anatomical features. More talking every mental part of me.) Yet at the same time, I want every part of me to be bigger than is possible in a shared conscious, in a combined me, in the me that I am.
Every day, I think of myself as me. As one person, the individual, Bree.
...Yet at the same time, every day, there are multiple aspects of me that are manifested while others are dormant, so I can seem like two different people on two different days in spite of it still being me.
I don't always think about this. So I don't think every day, "there are hundreds of mes inside the grand total of Bree".
But I do sometimes think about it all the same, recognizing that it happens in my daily life whether we're aware of it or not, whether I pay attention to this sort of thing or not.
Duality is a really, really complex entity, sorry. Very difficult to explain. But basically:
I've never had much doubts about things. I am me. I am Bree. That is me, that is who I am, and it's who I always will be, no matter what.
I have always been essentially the same person.
Yet within that same person, there are hundreds of mes that come out in various forms, all with slightly different perspectives, different views, different memories, different personalities, albeit subtly so.
They are all a part of me, they all recognize it, and see, "she is me, she is a fine young woman, and I will always be her". At the same time as recognizing that connection, there's also the desire for us to expand outward, to be more than what we are now.
Me, us, Bree.
I'm not making this up. Not telling a story, not lying either deliberately or subconsciously. Maybe not communicating clearly, but this is my truth. Every time I actually stop to think about it, I come across more confident than before in this, in that what I speak not being the words of some crazy lady.
I'm entirely normal. Unique, probably! I don't think this exact view, this exact compartmentalization of things, is actually named something. Maybe if someone who is well-versed in such things were to read my words, they would develop a theory, and could link me to any number of named conditions.
I sincerely doubt they'd actually be accurate. I certainly wouldn't mind, though. Having a label does me no harm, even if the label turns out to not entirely be correct. But I don't need one, am fine without one. I'm fine with this being considered "absolutely nothing at all": normal for everyone. I disagree, but I wouldn't protest. I just feel like this sort of unique interplay is...
...Well, what has allowed me to actually be, me. It's real. I know it is, because it has defined my life for as long as I've been alive. I wasn't really aware of it until recently, this perspective on things. But every time I delve into this realm of thought, it's one of those things which grows stronger and stronger.
So while the duality means that I can never know myself, especially since the mes that I am are ever-changing, ever-expanding, ever-growing, and ever-evolving...while that duality means that I can't even get close to my full picture at any time...
...The other side of that, is that I do know me. I've grown to understand. Acknowledging was half, and the more I look, the more the other half, the understanding, comes in, because it's there, that truth, and I've just accepted the part of me that was always there: the fact that I am more than just one me.
I hope to some day explore the human mind, my mind, even further.
'Cause I have to admit, one of the things which sparked the urge to write this second blog post was a thought I had, that I could easily rename this blog something like, "The Mad Genius", and it would be every bit as accurate as "Just Your Average Blogger" and "All Too Human" are, because it's true. I see things unusually, that never changes no matter what my mood. I have been called bright, intelligent, smart, so genius isn't a stretch.
And while I'd like to think I'm a perfectly sane woman (well, relatively speaking), I gotta admit, I can be a little bit crazy on some occasions. I never really know these things.
Am I stumbling into something which is actually meaningful?
Am I stumbling into something good, but which others think is crazy?
Am I just crazy?
Or am I just stumbling into something that's absolutely nothing at all?
I can't be sure, especially since people rarely bother to comment. I certainly do like the idea that I have this ability to see things unusually in a good way, though.