And they might give you an idea of why we don't like Danielle and fear her being around.
Danielle: "Why are you trying to be something you aren't?"
Me: "Because I don't like what I am."
Danielle: "A failure? A destructive vessel of harm? Someone good for nothing? A loser? A pain in the ass? A problem?"
There was more along those lines, but you get the idea. I don't remember the thoughts which occurred in our mind because they happened so quickly, but my mind was engaged in that conversation. Danielle basically wants me to embrace my anger and lash out, to admit what I am and proudly be it, despite how nasty I can get when I am that way.
And I can never let that happen--not again.
When the second and third most important people in my life get hurt, badly hurt, very very badly hurt, by the aftereffects of me having unleashed my anger months prior? That's unacceptable. It can never happen again. Never again. All the times I have the impulse to be angry, all the times I have the impulse to lash out, all the times I feel like I am in the right and violently want to viciously cut into someone with my words to let them know that?
I need to never again let that happen. It's part of who I am, yes. But it's the part of me I am most afraid of, and for good reason. That anger could cost me my job. That anger cost me my closest friendships. That anger is a force for destruction, and while I know it exists and is a part of me, I need to develop a healthy outlet.
Ranting isn't a healthy outlet. That's what landed me in trouble in December, from my earlier rant in July. Ranting only causes further harm. Venting isn't great, either. I can't accept any negative feedback spiral. I need to avoid all toxicity. I need to avoid any negativity.
I need to develop a way to healthily let out my anger, while also doing so in a way which channels that anger towards good. I've acknowledged the anger, suppressed it, and used empathy to point out why that anger is bad--by seeing the other side, I can see why they are doing what they are, and by seeing that, I can understand them and get over that anger.
But, that approach isn't getting rid of the destructive impulses within me and they keep getting directed towards myself, making me hate myself because hating myself is less bad than hating anyone else or hating the world. I, very briefly, attained that level of enlightenment in November, where for about a month, I stopped hating anyone including myself. But, I lost that when everything happened in December.
So like. I dunno. Danielle is not a force of evil or malevolence, but she can and would be bad to be unleashed. So like...with the level of anger we have and how she gets stronger when we are more angry, I just...am afraid she will come forward and destroy our life again, in her view saving/liberating/protecting us. But like...I'm scared.
I want to be better than that anger. I want to be at peace with the world, but also myself. I want to be stronger. I want to see others and understand them and work with them, not against them. I want to conquer my demons more or less, and just...be the beacon of empathy and positivity and joy I know I can be.
This weekend, I don't think I've made a single pun on twitter. In private to my fiance, yeah. To friends, yeah! But even in twitch streams, I don't think I have this weekend, and that's because I haven't been in the mindset to be my best. I'm only good enough to, barely, function as myself to my closest friends and my fiance. I need to be good enough to function as myself fulltime.
To be the one constantly sharing those stupid jokes to everyone. To be the one constantly showing them the better part of life. To be the one who is showing how the world is better, how people are better, how life is better, and how they make a difference and are beautiful and wonderful.
I need to be that.
I don't really know why I need to be that, but I need to be that, and not being that is a source of distress.
I dunno, a public blog isn't a good way to give myself therapy, but it wouldn't surprise me if the reason I need to be that is because of a fear that if I'm not, I'm a burden who only makes the world worse by existing. That if I'm not actively succeeding in making the world better with my presence, I am making it worse.
But like. It shouldn't be impossible to achieve, right? Most people do it without realizing they are doing it. Most people can pull it off without even knowing they are pulling it off. For me it takes conscious effort to do. I have to actively reach out to create that presence of joy it seems, and when I am not actively doing that good, I am not doing anything good it feels like.
I know I have done good before. I literally have saved lives. My fiance would be dead if I hadn't reached out to them. I fought hard to save their life, and I did. It cost me a close friendship in the immediate aftermath and then my closest friend groups in December, but I did manage to save their life. But past good doesn't mean I can give up on doing current or future good, especially when the past good is mixed with past harm, too.
I handled saving the life of a friend (who later became my partner and later, my fiance) as well as I could for that person, but I handled the situation outside of them personally about as poorly as I possibly could have. So like...I still have so much to make amends for. And, yeah, I know. I can't fix what I broke; I can't heal those that I hurt. I can't atone by trying to do the impossible.
When I say I need to make amends, I mean I need to keep doing good and not be content with the good I have done. The good I have done is not enough on its own. I have to keep trying. I know it's going to be difficult. Setting out on the path of empathy set me on a path which is hard. It's nearly impossible to succeed at seeing the other side and treating them with love and empathy and compassion for all including those with flawed perspectives, because they are people who are people and thus have flaws despite doing their best to be good.
It's still the path I decided to go on tho, and I think I can succeed. I just, have to be very mindful. Wish me luck.
Danielle: "Why are you trying to be something you aren't?"
Me: "Because I don't like what I am."
Danielle: "A failure? A destructive vessel of harm? Someone good for nothing? A loser? A pain in the ass? A problem?"
There was more along those lines, but you get the idea. I don't remember the thoughts which occurred in our mind because they happened so quickly, but my mind was engaged in that conversation. Danielle basically wants me to embrace my anger and lash out, to admit what I am and proudly be it, despite how nasty I can get when I am that way.
And I can never let that happen--not again.
When the second and third most important people in my life get hurt, badly hurt, very very badly hurt, by the aftereffects of me having unleashed my anger months prior? That's unacceptable. It can never happen again. Never again. All the times I have the impulse to be angry, all the times I have the impulse to lash out, all the times I feel like I am in the right and violently want to viciously cut into someone with my words to let them know that?
I need to never again let that happen. It's part of who I am, yes. But it's the part of me I am most afraid of, and for good reason. That anger could cost me my job. That anger cost me my closest friendships. That anger is a force for destruction, and while I know it exists and is a part of me, I need to develop a healthy outlet.
Ranting isn't a healthy outlet. That's what landed me in trouble in December, from my earlier rant in July. Ranting only causes further harm. Venting isn't great, either. I can't accept any negative feedback spiral. I need to avoid all toxicity. I need to avoid any negativity.
I need to develop a way to healthily let out my anger, while also doing so in a way which channels that anger towards good. I've acknowledged the anger, suppressed it, and used empathy to point out why that anger is bad--by seeing the other side, I can see why they are doing what they are, and by seeing that, I can understand them and get over that anger.
But, that approach isn't getting rid of the destructive impulses within me and they keep getting directed towards myself, making me hate myself because hating myself is less bad than hating anyone else or hating the world. I, very briefly, attained that level of enlightenment in November, where for about a month, I stopped hating anyone including myself. But, I lost that when everything happened in December.
So like. I dunno. Danielle is not a force of evil or malevolence, but she can and would be bad to be unleashed. So like...with the level of anger we have and how she gets stronger when we are more angry, I just...am afraid she will come forward and destroy our life again, in her view saving/liberating/protecting us. But like...I'm scared.
I want to be better than that anger. I want to be at peace with the world, but also myself. I want to be stronger. I want to see others and understand them and work with them, not against them. I want to conquer my demons more or less, and just...be the beacon of empathy and positivity and joy I know I can be.
This weekend, I don't think I've made a single pun on twitter. In private to my fiance, yeah. To friends, yeah! But even in twitch streams, I don't think I have this weekend, and that's because I haven't been in the mindset to be my best. I'm only good enough to, barely, function as myself to my closest friends and my fiance. I need to be good enough to function as myself fulltime.
To be the one constantly sharing those stupid jokes to everyone. To be the one constantly showing them the better part of life. To be the one who is showing how the world is better, how people are better, how life is better, and how they make a difference and are beautiful and wonderful.
I need to be that.
I don't really know why I need to be that, but I need to be that, and not being that is a source of distress.
I dunno, a public blog isn't a good way to give myself therapy, but it wouldn't surprise me if the reason I need to be that is because of a fear that if I'm not, I'm a burden who only makes the world worse by existing. That if I'm not actively succeeding in making the world better with my presence, I am making it worse.
But like. It shouldn't be impossible to achieve, right? Most people do it without realizing they are doing it. Most people can pull it off without even knowing they are pulling it off. For me it takes conscious effort to do. I have to actively reach out to create that presence of joy it seems, and when I am not actively doing that good, I am not doing anything good it feels like.
I know I have done good before. I literally have saved lives. My fiance would be dead if I hadn't reached out to them. I fought hard to save their life, and I did. It cost me a close friendship in the immediate aftermath and then my closest friend groups in December, but I did manage to save their life. But past good doesn't mean I can give up on doing current or future good, especially when the past good is mixed with past harm, too.
I handled saving the life of a friend (who later became my partner and later, my fiance) as well as I could for that person, but I handled the situation outside of them personally about as poorly as I possibly could have. So like...I still have so much to make amends for. And, yeah, I know. I can't fix what I broke; I can't heal those that I hurt. I can't atone by trying to do the impossible.
When I say I need to make amends, I mean I need to keep doing good and not be content with the good I have done. The good I have done is not enough on its own. I have to keep trying. I know it's going to be difficult. Setting out on the path of empathy set me on a path which is hard. It's nearly impossible to succeed at seeing the other side and treating them with love and empathy and compassion for all including those with flawed perspectives, because they are people who are people and thus have flaws despite doing their best to be good.
It's still the path I decided to go on tho, and I think I can succeed. I just, have to be very mindful. Wish me luck.
RSS Feed
