...No regrets. I had originally intended only one or two today, and to keep that pace for whenever I had free time and didn't feel like playing Chrono Trigger yet not feeling productive enough to do something. But I was suckered into watching the whole thing, via the old, "Oh, I have the time, let's do just ONE more..." trick. (Yep. That produced predictable results.)
I think I know why, too: even in the darker moments of the series (of which there's obviously plenty, naturally--that being basically the whole point), there's an underlying message of hope. (Which makes sense, because...well, duh. At least, 'duh' to anyone who knows how the main series ends.)
Will say now, now that I have watched it, that I'll need one or two disclaimers for Red Hood Rider plot twists that, no, I'm not stealing said twists from Madoka; they were part of the setting before I watched the anime and it's just a large coincidence that they just so happen to be similar. (Which kinda sucks. People wouldn't believe me even before I watched the anime, and now that I have, I don't have the same plausible deniability, merely my word that the plot of Red Hood Rider was set in stone long before I was made aware any of the setting details of Madoka.)
Incidentally, though, the god(dess) of magical girls is actually pretty similar to my own personal beliefs in God, albeit slightly more tangible: a being defined by hope and benevolence, kind, caring, and while unable to directly intervene, is able to serve as a guide, with the little things. Seeing every possible universe, and trying to direct us towards the better ones. And also, more of a concept than a physical being, an entity that may take form after we die if heaven exists (which is nice to think does) who brings us there personally, but that is otherwise intangible.
Which is why a prayer to said god might be appropriate; if I was a magical girl for the setting, my soul gem would be dangerously close to black. (Seriously, the parallel between me right now and Sayaka is uncanny.) I fully believe in the better things in life, but it's getting increasingly hard to remember them.
I've reached a point of despair, where I feel dead inside--I've put on a mask. I say I'm good, I'm fine, even though that is one big massive lie. I smile. I dance to music and pretend to have fun, because the people around me enjoy seeing that. Heck, I do get some momentary pleasure out of it, yet even if I'm enjoying myself, dark thoughts plague me, clouding my mind and blocking that enjoyment out.
I feel tired. I feel weak. Worthless. A failure. I'm at my breaking point. The sinking feeling in my stomach is growing. And while I tell myself to endure...the despair and doubt pierce my heart by saying, "Why? When all it's doing is creating more pain?" So that's why I needed the show to tell me...
I'm not alone. There's hope. Others have told me it, too, yet I need constant reminders everywhere. I'm barely holding on right now. Without that help...I probably would have given up already. I need to live. Don't know how, but I need. to. live.